What I Realized in the ER
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng 
DD14 told me in front of the other children that she wanted me to remarry because she wants a real father.
Explain this please. How would you remarrying get her a "real" father.
Pippi, you're 14 year old daughter may be showing some very concerning signs regarding her perception of relationships, and what it takes to obtain and maintain those relationships.
She has seen a pattern of unhealthily relationships and she will repeat that pattern if you don't actively break that pattern. She is showing you, by her statement that she is primed to do just that. You're somewhat calculated decision to get a husband is not breaking that pattern, it's repeating it.
Your remarrying couldn't, wouldn't and shouldn't ever be construed as getting your children another father, real or unreal. Their father, for good or bad is their father. That ship has sailed.
Help your daughter deal with her reality and walk into her future with her head held high, not wish for unsustainable fantasies that will always let her down.
I hope you're feeling better.
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Originally Posted by Pippilngstockng
...to find the children a good father and remarry. She hated doing it, but she used an on-line dating service and kept at it until she did successfully find a good man to satisfy her children's needs.
I feel like I owe my children more. I could find them a father, too. I really don't want to...
I feel like I owe my children more. I could find them a father, too. I really don't want to...
When your tires on your vehicle wear out, you have to get new ones. You do not have to get another man. It is OK - in fact it is desirable - that you support yourself. Neither your self esteem nor your economic livelihood should be dependent on anyone else.
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There are a few posters here who come on my threads, making sweeping assumptions, get the story all wrong, and get riled up decrying all sorts of immoral transgressions that have nothing to do with me or my life and seem to try to drown out all reality and possibility for insight to shed through.
I have lived alone for three years with my children and managed through a sea of troubles and kept us going. I have had nothing to do with any man or any man's help up until now.
I don't think it was strange for the dying father to ask his wife to remarry for the sake of their three children. Do you?
If xah returned to himself for a few minutes and saw his children and I as we are, he would want me to remarry to. The right person. Because it would just make sense.
There are many ways for a family to get by and eventually thrive. I don't believe that single mother working full time at a demanding career leaving four young people mostly alone to fend for themselves because she is too busy and then tired to give them the attention they need is always the solution for every family.
I think it also quite natural that my children would want another caring adult in their lives.
I have lived alone for three years with my children and managed through a sea of troubles and kept us going. I have had nothing to do with any man or any man's help up until now.
I don't think it was strange for the dying father to ask his wife to remarry for the sake of their three children. Do you?
If xah returned to himself for a few minutes and saw his children and I as we are, he would want me to remarry to. The right person. Because it would just make sense.
There are many ways for a family to get by and eventually thrive. I don't believe that single mother working full time at a demanding career leaving four young people mostly alone to fend for themselves because she is too busy and then tired to give them the attention they need is always the solution for every family.
I think it also quite natural that my children would want another caring adult in their lives.
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I have had nothing to do with any man or any man's help up until now.
I don't believe that single mother working full time at a demanding career leaving four young people mostly alone to fend for themselves because she is too busy and then tired to give them the attention they need is always the solution for every family.
Pippi, I'm calling foul here. The solution to your personal problems is not a man. The solution to your family problems is not to get married. Your children don't run your marriage, your finances, your bedroom, or your heart. Come on.
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Just be careful. My ex husband passed away last summer and left everything to his second wife. Our son came back to live with me and his widow moved her boyfriend into the house five days after the funeral.
I totally understand that burden of single parenthood when the other parent is unfit or unavailable. I was fortunate to be able to arrange to share expenses with my brother by renting a house together. My financial situation has slowly improved. I even bought a car recently. The confidence I am building by achieving these things on my own without the crutch and false security of jumping into a relationship is worth the occasional stress and doubt.
I hope you don't feel I'm being critical. I do understand how you feel. I just wanted to share my experience. Whatever choices you make are none of my business and I hope you and your children stay safe and healthy and that your divorce is soon resolved. I think just having that millstone off your neck will make a huge difference in your outlook, not to mention the regular court ordered support payments that will ease your financial struggles.
I totally understand that burden of single parenthood when the other parent is unfit or unavailable. I was fortunate to be able to arrange to share expenses with my brother by renting a house together. My financial situation has slowly improved. I even bought a car recently. The confidence I am building by achieving these things on my own without the crutch and false security of jumping into a relationship is worth the occasional stress and doubt.
I hope you don't feel I'm being critical. I do understand how you feel. I just wanted to share my experience. Whatever choices you make are none of my business and I hope you and your children stay safe and healthy and that your divorce is soon resolved. I think just having that millstone off your neck will make a huge difference in your outlook, not to mention the regular court ordered support payments that will ease your financial struggles.
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Pippi, I think I know where you are coming from. As my family gets older I think about my children having to "take care of me" when I am older. It scares me b/c I don't feel they should have to do this. So I am going to take another approach. I am purchasing long term care insurance. I can purchase it now and lock in the price for a fairly decent rate since I am still considered younger for that type of thing. I am going to prepare for my future as best I can.
I hope if you meet an UNMARRIED man in the future that you would only do so for the right reasons. If you meet a man and are with him just to take care of you, without the spark of love, it won't last. You need both, love and stability.
Good luck.
I hope if you meet an UNMARRIED man in the future that you would only do so for the right reasons. If you meet a man and are with him just to take care of you, without the spark of love, it won't last. You need both, love and stability.
Good luck.
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It isn't what I want for my children, Florence. It may work for you and others, which is great. But it isn't my dream for us, really. It is the dominant paradigm on this board at the moment, but I am not a big proponent of this objective for me or my children.
It has been three full years until I started having these men in my life at all. Three years in which I learned to manage on our own.
I have accomplished lots during that time that I am proud of. And I am strong enough to say here that we could do yet better.
It has been three full years until I started having these men in my life at all. Three years in which I learned to manage on our own.
I have accomplished lots during that time that I am proud of. And I am strong enough to say here that we could do yet better.
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But it isn't my dream for us, really. It is the dominant paradigm on this board at the moment, but I am not a big proponent of this objective for me or my children.
Single parenthood is nobody's dream. However, it's a reality that many of us face every day, including you. It's not a nightmare either. It's no nightmare! You don't know freedom until you know you can do anything you want to in the world without some jerk's money or permission. You should try it!
Your lack of acceptance around this very real reality, relying on handouts and maintaining bloodlines and moneylines between you and an abusive ex, is what causes you so much heartache. Your insistence that you stand above and beyond the rest of us smacks of the very narcissism and exceptionalism that you complain about from your ex.
Pippi, I believe you're smarter than this. But nevertheless you continue to look for exits, not solutions. The problem in you isn't man-shaped, it's Pippi-shaped. Good luck.
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Well -- I DID remarry. For myself, not for my kids. My oldest one was jazzed about it, the others... not so much. He's a solid, good man. I've spent my life wishing for a marriage as good as the one I saw my parents have. I realized recently that I have a marriage that on many levels is better than that of my parents.
That, however, is my relationship with my husband. Not the children's relationship with their stepfather.
Someone here recommended a book about blending families, and I didn't read it because I thought for sure, my kids, after having spent their childhood with an abusive alcoholic for a father, would immediately take to a solid, down-to-earth, good-hearted man who is caring and loving. I've found that it's not that easy.
They -- like I -- have to find stable ground and solid footing before being able to build any kind of new relationships to anyone. My focus has become to, rather than giving them another adult to rely on, build outside support structures and, even better, learn to become independent of those.
One of my kids has a teacher who used to be a parole officer. Large linebacker kinda guy who isn't subtle on the best of days. We were sitting with him one day and DD was sort of trying to foist off responsibility on me, and this guy just looked at her and said, "Listen, punk -- your mom isn't gonna be around forever. What would you do if she died?" WHICH, you know, wasn't a terribly sensitive thing to say to a kid who's terrified of losing the one parent she does have... but it hit home. Hearing it said out loud made her realize that if I died, she would have to function on her own. The change in her just from that one statement was profound, and important.
I've still got ways to go to detach from my kids, but that statement made a difference for me, too. I realized that things can happen that can leave my kids without a parent -- and if that happened, they need to be as capable as possible to manage on their own. Any adult around who can assist would be gravy -- but only that.
That's my story.
That, however, is my relationship with my husband. Not the children's relationship with their stepfather.
Someone here recommended a book about blending families, and I didn't read it because I thought for sure, my kids, after having spent their childhood with an abusive alcoholic for a father, would immediately take to a solid, down-to-earth, good-hearted man who is caring and loving. I've found that it's not that easy.
They -- like I -- have to find stable ground and solid footing before being able to build any kind of new relationships to anyone. My focus has become to, rather than giving them another adult to rely on, build outside support structures and, even better, learn to become independent of those.
One of my kids has a teacher who used to be a parole officer. Large linebacker kinda guy who isn't subtle on the best of days. We were sitting with him one day and DD was sort of trying to foist off responsibility on me, and this guy just looked at her and said, "Listen, punk -- your mom isn't gonna be around forever. What would you do if she died?" WHICH, you know, wasn't a terribly sensitive thing to say to a kid who's terrified of losing the one parent she does have... but it hit home. Hearing it said out loud made her realize that if I died, she would have to function on her own. The change in her just from that one statement was profound, and important.
I've still got ways to go to detach from my kids, but that statement made a difference for me, too. I realized that things can happen that can leave my kids without a parent -- and if that happened, they need to be as capable as possible to manage on their own. Any adult around who can assist would be gravy -- but only that.
That's my story.
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Pippi, are you saying you're suffering from an eating disorder? If so, what help do you have? I happen to have a bit of experience (second-hand) in that area and if I put that into the context, your posts take on a completely different tone. (((hugs)))
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Pippi,
I am glad to hear you are feeling better. How frightening for you and your kids.
I think it may be best to re-read your original post. It comes across as very codependent. I guess I see things differently. I dont think you can "find" your children a father. Nor do I think that is your responsibility. Your children already have a father. As dysfunctional as he is, he will always be their father. They are older kids so their concept of him is already well ingrained. No other person can replace that. A stepfather is not a "replacement father". In my opinion, if I do end up finding someone and remarrying, it will be to add to our lives not to replace a father. Your kids may or may not have any sort of bond with him.
Also your statement "I suppose I could attract someone and convince them to love us" sounds horribly dysfunctional!!! Is that the example you want to set for your children? You shouldn't be "convincing" anyone to love you. If they don't appreciate and honor who you are as a person and love you with their own free will then why would you want them in your life and around your kids? You deserve a partner who loves, respects and honors you for who you are. Where are you in your recovery process?
It sounds like you are nervous about a future alone. I think we all have those fears. We have had to be both mom and dad to our kids because of our Alcoholic partners. Its tough but we do it and our kids are stronger because of it. There is no fairy tale prince charming who will come and make everything better. We make it better for ourselves. Like everyone said, if something happened to you the kids would go to their biological dad not their stepfather. I do hope you find the peace and serenity you are seraching for. Just know it comes from within you and not from someone else.
I am glad to hear you are feeling better. How frightening for you and your kids.
I think it may be best to re-read your original post. It comes across as very codependent. I guess I see things differently. I dont think you can "find" your children a father. Nor do I think that is your responsibility. Your children already have a father. As dysfunctional as he is, he will always be their father. They are older kids so their concept of him is already well ingrained. No other person can replace that. A stepfather is not a "replacement father". In my opinion, if I do end up finding someone and remarrying, it will be to add to our lives not to replace a father. Your kids may or may not have any sort of bond with him.
Also your statement "I suppose I could attract someone and convince them to love us" sounds horribly dysfunctional!!! Is that the example you want to set for your children? You shouldn't be "convincing" anyone to love you. If they don't appreciate and honor who you are as a person and love you with their own free will then why would you want them in your life and around your kids? You deserve a partner who loves, respects and honors you for who you are. Where are you in your recovery process?
It sounds like you are nervous about a future alone. I think we all have those fears. We have had to be both mom and dad to our kids because of our Alcoholic partners. Its tough but we do it and our kids are stronger because of it. There is no fairy tale prince charming who will come and make everything better. We make it better for ourselves. Like everyone said, if something happened to you the kids would go to their biological dad not their stepfather. I do hope you find the peace and serenity you are seraching for. Just know it comes from within you and not from someone else.
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No!!!
I drank some bad water or something, had gastroenteritis. After three days my intestinal lining collapsed I lost massive fluids in a short time was in massive pain passed out and my daughter called an ambulance. I was in the hospital day and night with an IV after severe dehydration a concussion and huge drop in blood pressure and massive tests before they let me out.
Do I really need to disclose all of that to get Hammer's distasteful post removed?
Would it be okay if I did have an eating disorder?!
I drank some bad water or something, had gastroenteritis. After three days my intestinal lining collapsed I lost massive fluids in a short time was in massive pain passed out and my daughter called an ambulance. I was in the hospital day and night with an IV after severe dehydration a concussion and huge drop in blood pressure and massive tests before they let me out.
Do I really need to disclose all of that to get Hammer's distasteful post removed?
Would it be okay if I did have an eating disorder?!
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***JMHO***
The day my DD comes home saying this:
is the day I feel like I have failed. It goes against everything I have modeled for her in my OWN behavior, both actions & words. Goes against everything I am raising her to want & need & believe in for herself.
I question the relevance of this thread in this forum & I am starting to sense a pattern on the OP's part to intentionally yet pass/aggressively start hot topic types of discussions knowing full well what type of reactions she is likely to encounter, then crying foul/victim when she feels attacked. This is literally the 3rd or 4th thread of this sort started by the OP & they ALL end up with her requesting & then being locked by the Mods.
I just re-read the entire thread Pippi & unless I'm seriously thick today (could be, I've been down with the flu) I don't read one SINGLE word of ridicule toward your illness by any poster on this thread, including Hammer's.
I am also failing to see how this relates to recovery from addiction, even insofar as how it affects our children.
But that is just be *my* gut instinct in response to reading the OP.
Again, JMHO.....
Jumping down now.....
The day my DD comes home saying this:
she wanted me to remarry because she wants a real father
is the day I feel like I have failed. It goes against everything I have modeled for her in my OWN behavior, both actions & words. Goes against everything I am raising her to want & need & believe in for herself.
I question the relevance of this thread in this forum & I am starting to sense a pattern on the OP's part to intentionally yet pass/aggressively start hot topic types of discussions knowing full well what type of reactions she is likely to encounter, then crying foul/victim when she feels attacked. This is literally the 3rd or 4th thread of this sort started by the OP & they ALL end up with her requesting & then being locked by the Mods.
I cannot stay here in this space with my illness being ridiculed.
I am also failing to see how this relates to recovery from addiction, even insofar as how it affects our children.
But that is just be *my* gut instinct in response to reading the OP.
Again, JMHO.....
Jumping down now.....
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Originally Posted by lillamy
Pippi, are you saying you're suffering from an eating disorder? If so, what help do you have? I happen to have a bit of experience (second-hand) in that area and if I put that into the context, your posts take on a completely different tone. (((hugs)))
Just a profile sort of thing.
Have lived the other side of that, too. And it can take over one's mind.
Best to you, Pip. Get back on the Good Ordered Direction path, quick.
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
No!!!
I drank some bad water or something, had gastroenteritis. After three days my intestinal lining collapsed I lost massive fluids in a short time was in massive pain passed out and my daughter called an ambulance. I was in the hospital day and night with an IV after severe dehydration a concussion and huge drop in blood pressure and massive tests before they let me out.
Do I really need to disclose all of that to get Hammer's distasteful post removed?
Would it be okay if I did have an eating disorder?!
I drank some bad water or something, had gastroenteritis. After three days my intestinal lining collapsed I lost massive fluids in a short time was in massive pain passed out and my daughter called an ambulance. I was in the hospital day and night with an IV after severe dehydration a concussion and huge drop in blood pressure and massive tests before they let me out.
Do I really need to disclose all of that to get Hammer's distasteful post removed?
Would it be okay if I did have an eating disorder?!
if you did hit your head, have a concussion (shown by MRI test), it is understandable that you are not thinking clearly. But you do defend your dramatic statements to the hilt. I hope you can read through all your threads and see the way you justify the way you deal with your situation.
I hope one day you will stand on your own merit and support your family as countless other single parents do, without fanfare...
Hunting for husband #2 before actually being divorced from husband #1 is not something to put in your personal online dating profile.
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Pippi, I'm going to share some background before I respond not to hijack the thread but so you know where I'm coming from.
I also have four children. They are 8yo, 8yo, 13yo, 15yo. I have no mother, no father, I do have one sibling but he has too much of his own stuff going on to be a support to me or my kids and he doesn't live near me anyway. Their dad did not see them outside of my house for two years. Last year he had them for 5 days and this year for 11 days. He lives far away now so he is not a co-parent in a meaningful way. I had to move when I divorced so that I could afford to take care of my kids and so there were no neighbors, friends, church groups, al-anon groups etc. I work alone so I do not have any co-workers to socialize with or meet people through. Working is a financial blessing but I do not have time to do other things that would be a social outlet. I very much understand the loneliness and desire for intimacy. I understand how overwhelming it is to be a single parent to four children.
Growing up I considered my mother to be a great mom. I still do. She was loving, committed, fun, and provided us with a lot. She loved us very much and we never doubted that. I grew up feeling cherished and important. I did not go hungry, I was not neglected, I was never abused in any way. She taught me so many valuable and important lessons and was a good example in so many ways. My parents were married but my dad was only home a few days a year and they were not happily married so it was like being raised by a single mom. My mom was also depressed and had many emotional and physical problems that were let go. I was afraid, not of her, but that I could not save her. I was that 14yo (or 8yo or 12 or 16) that made the phone calls for her. I made calls when she was to sick to get up, I made calls when she felt she could not handle her life one more minute. I felt so small and alone and afraid. In the end I did not save her. I could not save her but children are not meant to save their parents are they? I carried that with me into adulthood and it is at the base of a lot of the decisions I've made as an adult. It has been a sad legacy that I do not want to pass down to my own children.
^^ All said so that if I miss the mark with my replies you know that they are shared from my experience, not from judgement.
Children (even teens) do not have the development, maturity, or life experience to know what they need. You might consider that the underlying need they are expressing with that question is someone to take care of you because they aren't able to and that is an awful thing to a child - maybe a teenager most of all.
The good news is that you can take care of yourself if you make up your mind to do so.
You owe your children the best 'you' you can give them. Nothing more. FWIW studies have shown that single parent or blended family is a wash. There are negatives to being raised in a single parent family but there are also negatives to being raised in a blended or step family and in the end - neither is better or worse than the other. Both are better then being raised in a crazy family.
You really don't want to yet other posts you claim you want that partner. It is so confusing to read. You are all over the map and that might be just in how you post but if it is real life it is a major red flag for you to pay attention to your own recovery/work first and foremost.
Yup. We get what we get in life? We have to quit hoping/wishing things will change and find the beauty with where we are. Have you ever read 'Eat, Pray, Love'? It has one of my favorite quotes. "Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be." That described my life so well, lol.
?? If that is your true feelings it is just so wrong to pursue a relationship. Wrong for you, wrong for the man, and wrong for your kids. How about rolling up your sleeves and making a good life for your family without a man?
Do that!!
Who is? Your kids? They need a solid stable home and mother. That is the only thing you are responsible for providing them and you don't need to be married to do that. If you meet someone and marry him because you love him and he loves you - YAY.
I also have four children. They are 8yo, 8yo, 13yo, 15yo. I have no mother, no father, I do have one sibling but he has too much of his own stuff going on to be a support to me or my kids and he doesn't live near me anyway. Their dad did not see them outside of my house for two years. Last year he had them for 5 days and this year for 11 days. He lives far away now so he is not a co-parent in a meaningful way. I had to move when I divorced so that I could afford to take care of my kids and so there were no neighbors, friends, church groups, al-anon groups etc. I work alone so I do not have any co-workers to socialize with or meet people through. Working is a financial blessing but I do not have time to do other things that would be a social outlet. I very much understand the loneliness and desire for intimacy. I understand how overwhelming it is to be a single parent to four children.
Growing up I considered my mother to be a great mom. I still do. She was loving, committed, fun, and provided us with a lot. She loved us very much and we never doubted that. I grew up feeling cherished and important. I did not go hungry, I was not neglected, I was never abused in any way. She taught me so many valuable and important lessons and was a good example in so many ways. My parents were married but my dad was only home a few days a year and they were not happily married so it was like being raised by a single mom. My mom was also depressed and had many emotional and physical problems that were let go. I was afraid, not of her, but that I could not save her. I was that 14yo (or 8yo or 12 or 16) that made the phone calls for her. I made calls when she was to sick to get up, I made calls when she felt she could not handle her life one more minute. I felt so small and alone and afraid. In the end I did not save her. I could not save her but children are not meant to save their parents are they? I carried that with me into adulthood and it is at the base of a lot of the decisions I've made as an adult. It has been a sad legacy that I do not want to pass down to my own children.
^^ All said so that if I miss the mark with my replies you know that they are shared from my experience, not from judgement.
The day before ER, though, DD14 told me in front of the other children that she wanted me to remarry because she wants a real father. The others backed her up. I heard this from them before once, but not from her so much.
The good news is that you can take care of yourself if you make up your mind to do so.
I feel like I owe my children more.
I could find them a father, too. I really don't want to.
For a brief period there, I had been convincing myself that these week plus visits with their father were going to work out. And in exchange I could have these times to myself and get a chance to let my hair down, so to speak. But xah may well get the right to unsupervised overnights revoked, so there goes that idea.
So I may just have to roll up my sleeves and go meet a nice man.
I sure am not looking forward to it, though. I don't want to be someone's wife again. I suppose I could attract someone and convince them to love us. But I don't believe I could feel 100% honest about it.
I sure am not looking forward to it, though. I don't want to be someone's wife again. I suppose I could attract someone and convince them to love us. But I don't believe I could feel 100% honest about it.
I like my freedom and being single. I like keeping a romantic life for myself that is for me and won't get mixed up with my life as a mother. It's nice to have two separate lives for a change.
But I recognize that I am not the most important person here!
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