healthyagain

and there was a sudden flood of joy, happiness, as I was driving away, that it is really hard to describe. I am not sure this is another benefit of detachment, but I felt so free! And well rested! And the nasty stomach feeling was gone, and my heart felt warm again.

Last night, he had another episode of rage that did not affect me, really really loud cussing, because he wanted to be heard. I assumed this was another baiting, and I think I was right. (You see people, I do not cook anymore, and it seems that this makes him livid.)

So I left yesterday too. I spent some time in the park, writing a letter to my mom, who has been dead for quite some time, asking her to be my guide (higher power if you will), and I told her that we were not very good with each other when she was alive, but that I need her love and strength and protection now, more than ever.

Then I looked for a local organization (branch) that deals with domestic abuse and got the number.

My husband knows that something major is going on, so he goes from the fits of rage (cussing when he sees my shadow!) to depression, telling me to just go, take all the money and leave (yes, quacking), one of those theatrical performances of "woe is me, but you leave and save yourself, you still young, you can leave this place."

So, why was I so happy and still am? Maybe because I am not falling for another story, maybe because the colors were so bright and the images were sharp. Maybe because I see the way out. A blurry little path, but it is there. I will not let him scare me into inaction again.

amy55

Hi,

This sounds really good. I am so proud of you. You sound so good. I know that I needed to go through this feeling before I started to make my plans. You deserve so much better.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Ann Marie

Rosiepetal

Maybe it is because you took the focus off him & onto you.
That's what recovery is all about.
It is great you are being proactive.
Keep it up.

healthyagain

All I know is, it feels good.

BoxinRotz

I remember this feeling when everything around me was falling apart and AH (at the time) was verbally abusive and wanted to pick the fight of the century so it could give him a reason to drink. I remember just looking at him, after he called me a wh*re, and told him, Do not blame me for your buzz kill! Take your bottle and get the eff away from me! Don't let me stop you! We had a pretty quiet evening that night.

He never was a big eater once drunk. The booze was his meal. I know after his accident, while he was in the ICU, they were pumping him full of vitamins and minerals iv wise and I asked why?! The nurse said his levels were very low because he was not eating. Too busy being a drunk so not cooking was a non issue here. lol Funniest crap to laugh about... or else you'd cry! Lets not ruin our make up even if it is 10pm!

Detachment is a wonderful tool and it's so nice when you know how to use it effectively to get to a better place and may I say... I do believe you are efficient in using that tool. Good job.

Dojang

Very inspiring. You have great strength, keep moving forward.