Well more was revealed...heart broken
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Santa 
Agree 100% and have seen this one with my own eyes. He'll think everything is just fine, missing all signals otherwise, and "suddenly" be told to clear out his desk.
I would not "send him financial information" either. If he's so lucid he can figure it out for himself.
Very sorry for your son jarp. My teenage son has no father either.
I would not "send him financial information" either. If he's so lucid he can figure it out for himself.
Very sorry for your son jarp. My teenage son has no father either.
Jarp, I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I've heard it all and more and everything your AH has said, mine has also. He honestly told me that needs to find a new family and that he needs to leave us because he's not wanted here. Sigh.....sometimes there's no getting through to them and I've stopped trying. It's time to pull yer britches up and call a lawyer and find out what rights you have and what you need to be ready for financially, etc. I found a great lawyer who I contact for advice every few months and she has been stellar in providing me with accurate information so that I can make a more informed decision over what I may need to do in the future.
Sending you lots of hugs and support today! ((JARP))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You are so lucky he's able to be brutally honest about his drinking and what he intends to do. Of course it hurts so cry and mourn. But don't entertain the idea that he will somehow change. He has laid his cards on the table and now I hope you get the support to go through what's ahead. For me, the support of Alanon saved my sanity and I recommend it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
My husband told me several times he thought we should end things because the way he was it was never going to be right, and he didnt want to hurt me, didnt want us to have kids and have them end up being hurt. Those feelings were real to him when he shared them with me. The last time we even had to talk it over with the family counselor because he was adamant it was for the best. I would also be careful about going down the road of thinking everything he does is manipulation. It would put me in a defensive, and closed off frame of mind where I think if there is any chance of a relationship surviving you have to be open and hear and understand both sides, like your counselor is doing in your sessions. If he truly wants to keep drinking then he just does, and its sad and Im very sorry for you and your kids.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
BC, jarp's situation is different in that there IS a child involved and this man just stated he didn't want to BE his father anymore. i think as a mother you have to take that seriously and act accordingly and quit giving him more CHANCES to do further damage. this isn't the time for her to just HANG IN THERE a bit longer and act like his damn counselor "seeing both sides" - she has better things to do......
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I didnt give her any advice on how to proceed Anvil. But I know from experience what is said at this point can be real emotion, but may change over time.
The only advice I would give is to continue working with her professional counselor. I rarely TELL others what their SO is thinking, or what THEY should do.
The only advice I would give is to continue working with her professional counselor. I rarely TELL others what their SO is thinking, or what THEY should do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
BC, jarp's situation is different in that there IS a child involved and this man just stated he didn't want to BE his father anymore. i think as a mother you have to take that seriously and act accordingly and quit giving him more CHANCES to do further damage. this isn't the time for her to just HANG IN THERE a bit longer and act like his damn counselor "seeing both sides" - she has better things to do......
"The alcoholic parent is not satisfied with his own childhood," Bly says, using the bruised rhetoric of recovery. "He wants yours too." When the father vanishes into alcohol, the son lingers and lingers, searching for a lost part of himself.
I have four sons Jarp. They are going to be OK. I'm going to be OK. Their dad is going to be OK. It is what it is. You will all be OK too. I'm sorry it is so awful hard right now
ETA: It appears like I'm arguing with you Anvil. haha. I'm not - just off shooting from your post.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
I am so sorry, Jarp. They can be so cruel, pretending at the same time that you'll be so understanding and open to their quackery.
I want to echo what people are saying about him losing more function. My therapist told me about a year ago that alcoholics usually lose their families before their jobs, because the jobs enable then to continue supporting the addiction. In my story, my XA left me with incongruous reasons which were just part of his quackery. I was crushed. I mean crushed. Sure enough, in less than 6 months after our breakup he had two A-related arrests, one being a DUI. I also was keeping him from bring unaccompanied with our son.
My X did not hit bottom our get to treatment in order to see his son unsupervised. Everything that had to with him hurting me or losing time with son was blamed on me or relationships in general.
My X only went to treatment because work found out about the DUI and he was trying not to get fired (6 months post DUI). Just as my therapist predicted. The only thing that he had left was the job.
So, sadly, the best thing to do is probably to just get out of the way of that tornado so it doesn't suck you in and crush your heart even more. I wish there was something we could do to avoid the pain. The only way around is straight through. I'm so sorry. Know that you are very supported here.
I want to echo what people are saying about him losing more function. My therapist told me about a year ago that alcoholics usually lose their families before their jobs, because the jobs enable then to continue supporting the addiction. In my story, my XA left me with incongruous reasons which were just part of his quackery. I was crushed. I mean crushed. Sure enough, in less than 6 months after our breakup he had two A-related arrests, one being a DUI. I also was keeping him from bring unaccompanied with our son.
My X did not hit bottom our get to treatment in order to see his son unsupervised. Everything that had to with him hurting me or losing time with son was blamed on me or relationships in general.
My X only went to treatment because work found out about the DUI and he was trying not to get fired (6 months post DUI). Just as my therapist predicted. The only thing that he had left was the job.
So, sadly, the best thing to do is probably to just get out of the way of that tornado so it doesn't suck you in and crush your heart even more. I wish there was something we could do to avoid the pain. The only way around is straight through. I'm so sorry. Know that you are very supported here.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I think I have told you before, but I am not sure, that he will start coming up with different propositions and resolutions to continue to drink and remain married from the logical to the preposterous. That is his ultimate goal - understand that.
I didn't hear any mention of divorce. Maybe he said that and you did not write it.
They do this until they hit upon what works and are often times successful.
I think your husband knows that had he said 'divorce" it wouldn't have shocked or upset the apple cart in the way that he hopes. So now he is dragging your son into it hoping (and probably sure as he is fairly narcissistic) that you will FREAK out, back off, and call him up pleading not to do this willing to do whatever he asks (thought about it so you see it does work).
In a week or so it will be something else. If you don't respond to this he will eventually turn it around on you and blame YOU - that you gave him no other choice and that this is your fault. Or maybe in a couple weeks he will come crying "I didn't mean it!!!! I love you and our son!!!"
When they pull out the "I'm an alcoholic, I can't help it. I am a bad person but I can't help it and I want you to move on because I am such a good person that I want the best for you and our son" card they are truly scraping the barrel in desperation.
Would have been much more efficient to say "I want a divorce" don't you think?
I have watched my father live in hell with my mom (no alcoholism or addiction) because of this type of manipulation. She is crazy as a bed bug - and has manipulated the f**k out of him for 23 years with threats of leaving him. In between she peppers love and kindness and periods of peace. Its sad he never got off the roller coaster - it has ruined his health. Now that they are both ill we have seen the totality of her bullish!t because he is too sick to cover it up anymore.
I know this was very hard to hear and i empathize. Its a crock of bull in quacka-galactic proportion. Give him what he asks for, serve him with a divorce asking for 100% custody. Agree with him that this is the best idea he has ever had because in truth, it is.
Get off the crazy train before it drags you to a place you don't want to be.
I didn't hear any mention of divorce. Maybe he said that and you did not write it.
They do this until they hit upon what works and are often times successful.
I think your husband knows that had he said 'divorce" it wouldn't have shocked or upset the apple cart in the way that he hopes. So now he is dragging your son into it hoping (and probably sure as he is fairly narcissistic) that you will FREAK out, back off, and call him up pleading not to do this willing to do whatever he asks (thought about it so you see it does work).
In a week or so it will be something else. If you don't respond to this he will eventually turn it around on you and blame YOU - that you gave him no other choice and that this is your fault. Or maybe in a couple weeks he will come crying "I didn't mean it!!!! I love you and our son!!!"
When they pull out the "I'm an alcoholic, I can't help it. I am a bad person but I can't help it and I want you to move on because I am such a good person that I want the best for you and our son" card they are truly scraping the barrel in desperation.
Would have been much more efficient to say "I want a divorce" don't you think?
I have watched my father live in hell with my mom (no alcoholism or addiction) because of this type of manipulation. She is crazy as a bed bug - and has manipulated the f**k out of him for 23 years with threats of leaving him. In between she peppers love and kindness and periods of peace. Its sad he never got off the roller coaster - it has ruined his health. Now that they are both ill we have seen the totality of her bullish!t because he is too sick to cover it up anymore.
I know this was very hard to hear and i empathize. Its a crock of bull in quacka-galactic proportion. Give him what he asks for, serve him with a divorce asking for 100% custody. Agree with him that this is the best idea he has ever had because in truth, it is.
Get off the crazy train before it drags you to a place you don't want to be.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Painful - so sorry.
Until he hits his bottom, there is little that can be done. Rest assured, at some point he will. I was high functioning and well paid. I woke up one day and had such an inflated ego / view of myself and had grown so resentful of the company I worked for I simply quit. Brilliant....
" I am too good for these people....." blah, blah, blah....
The insanity of what we do simply cannot be explained. Any father that wants to be called the family friend is deep into the insanity.
Do for yourself and your kids what is best. I agree with others, that today's plan with him will change with the wind..... He is simply not ready to quit drinking.
He'll get there.....probably.
For me it took many years - no cuffs , dui's , jail , etc....didn't loose family or material things. So, it took an act of providence to finally wake me up.
Pray, stay strong and start to develop your sober plan for survival and happiness....
Please keep posting. You may not realize it, but not only are you helping yourself - you are helping many others - IT"S REALLY IMPORTANT. Helping others in your time of strife can be very therapeutic and is highly spiritual. Look at how many views your thread has received. You have hit a strong chord....
Do not discount the power of prayer....God can help!!
Peace
Until he hits his bottom, there is little that can be done. Rest assured, at some point he will. I was high functioning and well paid. I woke up one day and had such an inflated ego / view of myself and had grown so resentful of the company I worked for I simply quit. Brilliant....
" I am too good for these people....." blah, blah, blah....
The insanity of what we do simply cannot be explained. Any father that wants to be called the family friend is deep into the insanity.
Do for yourself and your kids what is best. I agree with others, that today's plan with him will change with the wind..... He is simply not ready to quit drinking.
He'll get there.....probably.
For me it took many years - no cuffs , dui's , jail , etc....didn't loose family or material things. So, it took an act of providence to finally wake me up.
Pray, stay strong and start to develop your sober plan for survival and happiness....
Please keep posting. You may not realize it, but not only are you helping yourself - you are helping many others - IT"S REALLY IMPORTANT. Helping others in your time of strife can be very therapeutic and is highly spiritual. Look at how many views your thread has received. You have hit a strong chord....
Do not discount the power of prayer....God can help!!
Peace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
You are so lucky he's able to be brutally honest about his drinking and what he intends to do.
My AH has been calling rehabs. He's at a stage of desperation, and he knows he's falling off the cliff. Frankly, I don't have confidence in the outcome of an expensive rehab, so I'm really almost NOT in favor of it. I have no money, I have tons of debt, and I can see him doing his 28 days and then rinse and repeat when he gets home. I'd rather he starts with outpatient stuff like daily Al-Anon meetings to gauge his sincerity.
The reason I feel this way is because as he was discussing the rehab, he sat there going, "But I LOOVVVEE to drink. I LOVE it."
I think that's one thing they say that you can take to the bank, unfortunately, and then deal with it, and with your son.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate all the thoughts and sharing.
I think it comes down to a few points which you have all made:
- he's starting to accept that he has a powerful addiction, and this is horrifying to him.
- he doesn't know whether he wants to address it or not, he doesn't want this life, but is terrified of what the alternative is.
- he loves to drink
- but feels deep shame about all of the above, and most especially knowing he's abounding his child in favour of his addiction
- he's yet to hit his bottom
- he's manipulating me....he wants his safety net still there
- there is probably a high degree of honesty in what he's telling me....he isn't ready for change, and doesn't know if he ever will be.
There was two things said....one.....'alcoholics don't have relationships they take hostages', and another by thumper that was 'the alcoholic parents isn't happy with his own childhood so he'll take yours too'. These both really resonated with me.
And as dandylion said right at the start....last night the texts begging to come home started.....I ignored.
I think it comes down to a few points which you have all made:
- he's starting to accept that he has a powerful addiction, and this is horrifying to him.
- he doesn't know whether he wants to address it or not, he doesn't want this life, but is terrified of what the alternative is.
- he loves to drink
- but feels deep shame about all of the above, and most especially knowing he's abounding his child in favour of his addiction
- he's yet to hit his bottom
- he's manipulating me....he wants his safety net still there
- there is probably a high degree of honesty in what he's telling me....he isn't ready for change, and doesn't know if he ever will be.
There was two things said....one.....'alcoholics don't have relationships they take hostages', and another by thumper that was 'the alcoholic parents isn't happy with his own childhood so he'll take yours too'. These both really resonated with me.
And as dandylion said right at the start....last night the texts begging to come home started.....I ignored.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Oh and texts about how his new apartment has a pull out bed so can our son spend the night...and I shouldn't worry bc it's a gated apartment block with high security.
Um it's not what might get IN that worries me....it's what's already inside the apartment....
Um it's not what might get IN that worries me....it's what's already inside the apartment....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Oh and redatlanta.....asking me for details of all our financial stuff IS his way of saying the D word.
We have a common law marriage, but in Australia we are treated by the Courts and every other formal body in the same way as those who are married. We have the same rights, responsibilities and liabilities as though we were married. The only difference is we don't have to file the $550 divorce application to separate.
So AH can't say DIVORCE as 'LEGAL SEPARATION' doesn't have the same affect!!!
Also he knows that my heart is my kids....so he's moved on from attacking my own abandonment issues to that which goes to the true core of me. So in that way yep...you are completely correct.
We have a common law marriage, but in Australia we are treated by the Courts and every other formal body in the same way as those who are married. We have the same rights, responsibilities and liabilities as though we were married. The only difference is we don't have to file the $550 divorce application to separate.
So AH can't say DIVORCE as 'LEGAL SEPARATION' doesn't have the same affect!!!
Also he knows that my heart is my kids....so he's moved on from attacking my own abandonment issues to that which goes to the true core of me. So in that way yep...you are completely correct.
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