Complicated hot mess
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Complicated hot mess
Hi, I am new to the forum. My issue is multi-dimensional so I wasn't sure where to post it. Sorry if it doesn't fit in this section, but I think it will.
To summarize - I think I have lost my entire family and that is a lot.
Back in 2012, I moved my elderly mother to live with me. She had become very frail and weak. I gladly took her in to care for her. I am single and have no kids so it was not a problem.
I have two brothers, one in Mass. and one in NC. I live in Texas. Neither of my brothers offered to help me with the move. I packed her and paid for her airfare and moving costs. The Mass brother is a long time alcoholic. The NC brother never drank a drop in his life but he is a religious fanatic who abuses and uses.
My mom moved here in April and died in August. She was too far gone when she moved here. She was in the hospital from mid-May to the last week of her life when she came home on hospice and passed.
My religious brother only came to see her in the hospital because he had "business" in Dallas and had the trip already scheduled. He saw her about 1 hour during a week long trip. My AB came down to see her for a few days at least. But I was left alone for most of the care.
My mother's extended family all live in Minnesota and wanted her to be buried up there. I refused since not one of them came to see her when she was in the hospital. 3 aunts and 2 uncles. No one came. So since I have her ashes here with me, I have decided that she should be buried in Michigan where she lived most of her life and had her family.
So now, no one up in Minnesota will speak to me, including cousins. I am on the outs with my religious brother because he did not give our mother more than an hour to visit and he also threw her rosary into the trash while he visited her. I fished it out the next day after the nurse told me what he did. My AB went off the deep end when mom died, had a major heart attack and he won't speak to me now because he wants to drink himself to death and I am too judgmental.
My own drinking has increased a lot since this all happened. I am afraid I might be going down that path of destruction too. I feel so abandoned by my family!
To summarize - I think I have lost my entire family and that is a lot.
Back in 2012, I moved my elderly mother to live with me. She had become very frail and weak. I gladly took her in to care for her. I am single and have no kids so it was not a problem.
I have two brothers, one in Mass. and one in NC. I live in Texas. Neither of my brothers offered to help me with the move. I packed her and paid for her airfare and moving costs. The Mass brother is a long time alcoholic. The NC brother never drank a drop in his life but he is a religious fanatic who abuses and uses.
My mom moved here in April and died in August. She was too far gone when she moved here. She was in the hospital from mid-May to the last week of her life when she came home on hospice and passed.
My religious brother only came to see her in the hospital because he had "business" in Dallas and had the trip already scheduled. He saw her about 1 hour during a week long trip. My AB came down to see her for a few days at least. But I was left alone for most of the care.
My mother's extended family all live in Minnesota and wanted her to be buried up there. I refused since not one of them came to see her when she was in the hospital. 3 aunts and 2 uncles. No one came. So since I have her ashes here with me, I have decided that she should be buried in Michigan where she lived most of her life and had her family.
So now, no one up in Minnesota will speak to me, including cousins. I am on the outs with my religious brother because he did not give our mother more than an hour to visit and he also threw her rosary into the trash while he visited her. I fished it out the next day after the nurse told me what he did. My AB went off the deep end when mom died, had a major heart attack and he won't speak to me now because he wants to drink himself to death and I am too judgmental.
My own drinking has increased a lot since this all happened. I am afraid I might be going down that path of destruction too. I feel so abandoned by my family!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
First Welcome.
So sorry for all you have been through.
Sounds like you cleaned out the A's out of your life in one big swoop.
Folks around here and Alanon can go on for YEARS and not manage that.
But you may have read noted on here . . . HERE we try to work on US (not so much ANY of the Them.)
So if you flipped a coin and got to wish which side it landed . . . Do YOU . . . NOW . . . consider YOURSELF more of a person with an Alcohol Problem or more of a person who has had Problems with OTHER Persons' use of Alcohol?
Just asking so you will know which door to go at the meeting hall. AA or Alanon? Usually they are right next door to each other.
So sorry for all you have been through.
Sounds like you cleaned out the A's out of your life in one big swoop.
Folks around here and Alanon can go on for YEARS and not manage that.
But you may have read noted on here . . . HERE we try to work on US (not so much ANY of the Them.)
So if you flipped a coin and got to wish which side it landed . . . Do YOU . . . NOW . . . consider YOURSELF more of a person with an Alcohol Problem or more of a person who has had Problems with OTHER Persons' use of Alcohol?
Just asking so you will know which door to go at the meeting hall. AA or Alanon? Usually they are right next door to each other.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Artfriend!
Welcome to SR! Your post sounds like your family and at times you have a lot of expectations of what family should be doing for other family members.
I can give you an example from my delightful family:
A great uncle died this past winter. I really cared for him. I had not seen my grandmother and nephew in awhile. I traveled on my own and stayed with my parents. Standing in the church greeting those wandering in my father all of a sudden expressed resentment that a local relative was not there. I just shrugged and said maybe she had to work. It wasn't my problem.... But my father then said, 'well you came.' Well well well did my codependent bell ring. First it rang bc gosh being better than someone else used to ring my bell. It also rang bc I realized my dad held multitudes of resentments like that - and since I'm not local I must often be the one tossed under the bus. I just felt sad. I said nothing more.
So think about your expectations and those of your family. It may untangle a bit of your head. As for the cremains, what did your mom want?
As for your own drinking, please be careful. Is it a habit? A dependence? A way to mask your grief? You will need to work it out for you.
All the best,
Welcome to SR! Your post sounds like your family and at times you have a lot of expectations of what family should be doing for other family members.
I can give you an example from my delightful family:
A great uncle died this past winter. I really cared for him. I had not seen my grandmother and nephew in awhile. I traveled on my own and stayed with my parents. Standing in the church greeting those wandering in my father all of a sudden expressed resentment that a local relative was not there. I just shrugged and said maybe she had to work. It wasn't my problem.... But my father then said, 'well you came.' Well well well did my codependent bell ring. First it rang bc gosh being better than someone else used to ring my bell. It also rang bc I realized my dad held multitudes of resentments like that - and since I'm not local I must often be the one tossed under the bus. I just felt sad. I said nothing more.
So think about your expectations and those of your family. It may untangle a bit of your head. As for the cremains, what did your mom want?
As for your own drinking, please be careful. Is it a habit? A dependence? A way to mask your grief? You will need to work it out for you.
All the best,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Welcome to SR ArtFriend!
I'm so sorry about your mother's passing and for the drama that has followed her passing. It sounds like you're really hurting.
I agree that it sounds like there are a lot of expectations going on all over the place. Your post reminded me a lot of me, a martyr. You did all of the hard work, you cared for your mother, paid for all associated costs, handled her death and her remains and now everyone else thinks they can suddenly just swoop in at the end and start telling you how things are going to run. This is where I now stop for a second and consider why I'm actually hurt. Are you hurt on behalf of your mother (because no one visited 'enough') or are you hurt because no one offered to help you with her care, her financial considerations and her final arrangements?
Where would your mother like to have rested for eternity? Where she grew up? Where she raised her family? In the Grand Canyon? Would she even care? If you want her ashes to be in a certain place with no ulterior motives (hurt feelings) then maybe it's as simple as explaining to your aunts and uncles why this is so important for YOU.
Saying a prayer for you and sending hugs.
I'm so sorry about your mother's passing and for the drama that has followed her passing. It sounds like you're really hurting.
I agree that it sounds like there are a lot of expectations going on all over the place. Your post reminded me a lot of me, a martyr. You did all of the hard work, you cared for your mother, paid for all associated costs, handled her death and her remains and now everyone else thinks they can suddenly just swoop in at the end and start telling you how things are going to run. This is where I now stop for a second and consider why I'm actually hurt. Are you hurt on behalf of your mother (because no one visited 'enough') or are you hurt because no one offered to help you with her care, her financial considerations and her final arrangements?
Where would your mother like to have rested for eternity? Where she grew up? Where she raised her family? In the Grand Canyon? Would she even care? If you want her ashes to be in a certain place with no ulterior motives (hurt feelings) then maybe it's as simple as explaining to your aunts and uncles why this is so important for YOU.
Saying a prayer for you and sending hugs.
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