Butterfly

So today is day 9 of no contact and I'm feeling very tearful and have cried on & off most of the day! I was feeling angry earlier and was having one of my conversations I have with him (he's not here but I pretend he is) and I screamed and shouted and told him he doesn't want to be a husband or a father. That comment stopped me in my tracks I think I suddenly realised it was true. He definitely doesn't want to be a husband and wants to be a father when it suits him, which is not really being a father. I think I was starting to worry as I hadn't told him about DS having a party last night and I know he would have told his dad but was worried he would be angry with me for not telling him. It was at this point that I realised he walked out on his family he didn't want to be a part of it so why should I tell him what we are doing unless something has happened to the kids. I think these realisations have what has made me so upset today. He didn't want to be with us enough!!

I have also realised that I stayed so long because yes I love him but I also didn't want to give up on him as I wanted everything to work out, I was scared to be on my own as I thought no one else would want me, self esteem issues.

There were times when I hated him even looking at him or listening to him eat turned me and I didn't understand those feelings as I love him. I think I felt that way at times because of how he made me feel and what he put me through with his drinking. I was a single parent even when we were together I worried about his stress levels did everything for him so he wouldn't stress or be angry with the kids and never thought of me, particularly after a binge! I think this was why I would explode I kept everything bottled up for so long my own feelings and frustrations then let them all out! Keeping them all bottled up was hard too there were days when I felt angry for no reason think these were the days I hated the sight of him!!

Now I have exploded a couple of times with the kids and shouted and I think it's my built up anger and Im trying to feel my anger more and acknowledge when I'm angry and not bury it. I would have had these feelings of not being able to cope, feeling completely overwhelmed and not understand why I felt angry or low, worried I couldn't make him happy, worried he would leave me as I wasn't good enough, fun enough, I was constantly on edge and I completely lost myself.

I'm still struggling with who I am and with not being able to let go and move on, yes I have realised things and recognise that my marriage was unhealthy. But I still wait for him to sort himself out and hope he does but I wasn't happy and I have thought of many scenarios where my separated AH wants to come home and no matter what way the scenario plays out I can't take him back even sober yet I would still tell myself I want him home but How could I ever trust him or feel secure with him! I don't understand what is holding me back from fully accepting my marriage is over so I can move on.

Am I holding myself back with false hope if so how do I let go and move forward?? Recovery is exhausting!!

dandylion

Butterfly.....the answer to your question of "how do I let go"...is: Keep doing what you are doing!!!!!!!!!!!! Esp. the NO CONTACT part.
No Contact is helping you to gain more clarity.

dandylion

Butterfly

It is gives me more time to focus on me rather than how he's feeling and what he's doing!!

smc92va

Thank you for your post as I too am really struggling. My addict is in early recovery and just broke up with me and broke my heart. I had so much hope and was working on myself attending my own 12 step meetings etc. I feel very used and I really don't like this feeling of powerlessness. It feels as I had no say in my current situation and it really hurts and has left me emotionally spiraling. I'm going to continue to work on myself and attend Nar-Anon and Al-anon meetings. I hope that in time the pain will lessen and the whole in my heart will disappear

Timeiskey

I can relate. I have gone almost a week with no contact, which is difficult because we live next door to each other. But, I put my ear phones in my ears, my sunglasses on, my dog on a leash before I leave my courtyard just in case he is out there, so I will not have to hear/look or acknowledge his existence. Still, I miss him although I know there is no chance for a future and even though I know that I wouldn't want to go back to being with a functioning alcoholic.

Butterfly, what I keep telling myself is that the only healthy way to get past this is to go through it. Time is the great equalizer...but it sure is hard from where I stand now as well. Do you have friends around that you can spend time with? Places to go or people to see? Anything to get your mind off of it?

Lovenlies

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain. It sucks and hurt so much to see someone we love destroy themselves and people around them in the process. All the hopes, dreams, love, special moments in life that was suppose to be him and now gone. It's so hard to move on and see outside the darkness and hurt and anger and rejection. I'm still sad and I still cry but not as much as I use to. The hope and dreams of being with him has somewhat faded, but not as much as I would like. I know people say time heals all wounds but it doesn't, it's what we do with that time that heals us.
I hope you find something that will help you through this moment in life that will change the way you feel about yourself. You are worth it, you are special, you are wonderful, and you are deserving of a great and wonderful life.
I wish and pray that you find the strength and courage and wisdom to do what you need to do for you and your family.
Hug

Pia

Butterfly- I could of written almost the same post 8 months ago.

It takes time to heal, keep working on you and not pushing the end result. You will go though so many different feelings and emotions several several times.

There are days I am so happy and then there are days that just drag. It takes allot of work to learn to focus on yourself whether it is one minute at a time or 1 hour at a time. Make baby goals and focus on the good.

dandylion

Butterfly....Radiant makes a very good point, I think. To stop pushing the end result.
Focus on what you need to do in the immediate present.....because the end result takes care of it's own self, in time!!

dandylion

martina12

Hey Butterfly I'm still hanging on here as well with you! I'm also still grieving and still finding it a hard path to recovery but we are making baby steps in the right direction and sometimes those steps go backwards.

Its awful I know as I am going through it too. Very lonely and you feel like you are the only one who is this heartbroken. Well you're not coz there's me and others here with you who are also going through this too but we can hold hands and hold tight...we will get through it with time...

Butterfly

Thank you everyone for your replies. Am I trying to push my recovery, I suppose I am I want answers and I want them now lol. I need to slow down and work things out at the right pace. There are days were I feel I am back to square one with how I feel but I must remind myself I'm not I do not feel the same devastation as I did 5 months ago, but it still hurts and it's still confusing!!

I will keep the focus on me

Butterfly

Smc I'm sorry for what you are going through and yes the addicts we love can and do cause so much devastation in our lives that we don't know which end is up!! I had no control over my Separated AH addiction although I tried everything I could think off to control it, to fix him but I couldn't and it took a long time to accept that but once I did that was when I could start my own recovery and started focusing more on me. I have realised thanks to others on this forum that when I have contact with him I become drawn into thoughts & questions about him, will he come home does he really love me, telling myself he really wants to be with me but he can't because of his addiction and he's really doing this so not to hurt me anymore. I think that's me deluding myself the reality is it doesn't matter how he feels he wants to b able to drink unrestricted without the feelings of guilt & shame that follow and having to make promises that he knows he can't keep.

No contact means focusing on me, trying to understand my feelings and yes allowing these feelings to over whelm me at times as I have to feel them.

I don't know if the feelings of hurt, betrayal, manipulation etc ever go away, it does become easier. For me I still feel broken, my heart smashed to pieces but the emptiness I felt for the last few months is slowly disappearing. Keep focusing on your recovery that you can control!!

Butterfly

I almost broke no contact today. I was reading through inspirational thoughts and I came across one about love and marriage and I clicked on the link to email it to him. Well it took so long to open and I am grateful for that as I stopped myself and thought why does he get to have those lovely reminders that I'm still here , when he walked out, he chose alcohol over his family. My HP was definitely telling me something today and I am thankful.

Timeiskey

Butterfly- it is like second nature almost, huh? Wanting to send something, wanting to show the loving support...I have to remind myself each day that no contact also means no letters reflecting on our love and intimacy...the thing is for me, although I want to do that, I realize that if those memories and the love he expressed for me was something that he cherished, then he should be willing to do something for himself and us. It is obvious where I stood on the issue, so no need to give anymore of my power over to him...I just end up having to take it back over tears, hurt feelings and embarrassment.

I hate having to remind myself of negative things but it is for a positive outcome...I don't know, I still can't predict from one moment to other how I will feel- empowered and excited about my new future or depressed and blue over my loneliness and empty spaces...sigh.

Butterfly

Yip mine expressed such deep love and devotion yet he walked away rather than seek help shows where I stood in what was more important and I am realising that I wasn't his first priority neither were the kids. When he first left I begged said and did everything I could think of to get him to come home pathetic huh! I've never said the manic words thought, come home and you don't have to get help. But then I would send messages about how much I loved him would always be here for him try to convince him he loved me again more pathetic behaviour! I am slowly realising I don't want someone in my life who walks out, several times, throughout our marriage and who would rather drink than be at home with his family. I can't do that anymore and every time I have contact with him I allow myself to be dragged back into the world where it's about him and I lose all focus on myself.

But your right one minute I'm feeling good then the next I'm so depressed, funny how the depression lasts longer though but I'm hoping that will change as time goes on.

Recovery is exhausting, scary and lonely but at times the discovery of who I am and why I am the way I am or even something new is exciting.

smc92va

I too have a had very tearful tough day. I'm really hoping this gets easier with time and that through working on myself and contouring to attend Nar-Anon meetings, I can find some peace and serenity in my heart and soul. I found a post in Instagram today that spoke volumes to me and my current emotional state. It was not inspirational, more a reflective sadness. It goes as follows:

"and in the end, letting go was a lot like finding love. I had to learn to say goodbye to the one who gave me the courage to say hello."

I hope that we both can find some happiness and peace soon, as the overwhelming sadness seems all too consuming. Prayers for us both.

Butterfly

You can only take it one day at a time sometimes it's one moment at a time. Addiction destroys everything it touches we have no control over it but we do have control over ourselves. Look after yourself lots of hugs