PippiLngstockng

I don't think I have been self destructive. I have been overwhelmed though, and scared and brave and now I just need a break.

I needed the divorce to be finished through the mediation this July. Instead, it is pushed to trial court in September and xah is trying to get it pushed further out.

I was hanging on by a thread and the thread's snapped.

PippiLngstockng

Btw, I do have a job. Starting next month.

I will earn enough to pay for lunch, childcare and some groceries.

Sungrl

You think yours is the worst? You would trade with anybody here?

Be careful what you wish for. You were on a tiny island with someone else's husband. I guess all the battered women who had the courage to take their children and run and are now living in a shelter until they can piece their life back together would trade with you.

Why would you even come on this site and post these things? You are obviously hurting I get that. You have been through the ringer, get that too.

You are not endearing yourself to anybody here. Come here all you want and vent about your Ex and you will get a sympathetic ear. We will help you become strong again.

Come here and whine that life is hard and the world sucks so you are saying F it and you are going to add to the chaos then I for one would say keep that to yourself.

readerbaby71

Sell the house and be done with it. I'm sorry, but it sounds like you are in no condition to be carrying on with any man, let alone multiple married men. Take a good long look at why you crave approval and attention from these men so much. It is in no way healthy.Your ex can only destroy you if you let him. Focusing on your own mental health and healing and taking care of your children should be your top priority now.

hopeful4

I should not even post this but am going to b/c I feel it's OK to give it to you straight Pippi. You have been hurt and now you are putting yourself as #1. Fine by me. HOWEVER, these men have children. They will find out, and have to deal with it FOREVER. That looks pretty crappy on your part, just saying. How would you feel if you were that child and that your father you were finding out about.

I am going to back out now because this thread triggers me. I wish you and your children all the best Pippi.

dandylion

Pippi. dear.....I am concerned for you that you may be slipping into depression. The weight loss and sleep disturbance along with several statements of having "just given up". These are classic symptoms.

If you feel that I am even remotely correct....will you please consider speaking to a medical person about getting some relief? Don't try to "tough it out".

sincerely,
dandylion

PippiLngstockng

Ok, you all make some fine points. I should slap myself today.

I haven't been eating or sleeping properly and I am getting weak.

This happened to me once before. I dropped to a child's weight when my world was spinning too out of control. I just got light headed and helpless.

I am wearing my 14 year old's clothes. The doctor said last fall not to lose any weight and I am mad so now I have.

There are worse abusers and worse drunks. I haven't lost everything yet and I have much to be grateful for, including you all.

I want to sell the house but xah ruined it. It won't sell unless he repairs it. He hid all the money this spring and summer that could have been used to fix all the damage he caused.

How does it feel to be the other woman? I am different than a lot of you. I have no animosity towards any woman that slept with my ex. They can have him. I wish they would!

What I notice is that men present their best selves in that situation for a relative stranger to enjoy. And the deserving wife at home gets sh*t.

zoso77

Well, just so long as you're aware that your decisions have both intended and unintended consequences. Just because something feels good doesn't mean it's good for you.

PippiLngstockng

Do you notice that I actually believe he is going to kill me?

He said he would and he meant it.

CodeJob

Pippi, Are you looking for condemnation? Dandylion brings up a good suggestion as indeed those are some signs of depression that you describe/express.

As for the rest, I really have nothing to say as I am a recovering codie and that is what I am supposed to be learning.

CarryOn

Yep, can we talk about that? I actually came back to your thread (been lurking a lot more than posting for awhile) for that reason...everyone is focused on the married men. It's a trigger so I'm not touching it. You mentioned several times that you are concerned you or he will die soon....what's going on?!?!?!?

Ditto Dandylion's last post too...this is not Pippi being her strong self.

readerbaby71

He is not going to fix the house. So either sell it in the condition it's in or continue with his nonsense. Take care of yourself and eat something. Do you have any friends you can confide in right now? It's okay to reach out for help.

Fandy

well, you are here in the US now correct?

You take that statement and you file for a restraining order, you tell your attorney that you are afraid of him.

But this will mean that one of you cannot stay in the house.

forgive me if i am mistaken but you are both living under the same roof this summer while the kids visit? (shudder, no wonder you can't sleep or eat, my xhusband used to make me upset right after dinner because he knew I would be sick and unable to digest)..

oops, sorry mybad, you are back at home, just your son and daughter are at the house. but you should still tell your lawyer that he is making threats to harm you.

hopeful4

Pippi, You have been hurt and now you are not physically taking care of yourself. Please don't go down that road. I am not taking about how YOU feel about other women. I am not even talking about the other wives. I am talking about how do those children feel when they find out daddy is sleeping around? Like crap, I know, my kids told me.

Please keep yourself together. Your children need you. While it's not fair what you have went through, you are strong and YOU CAN get through this.

CodeJob

Pippi, You know you are dealing with a personality disordered alcoholic STBXAH. I think you knew eventually he'd threaten you as anyone who beat him at his own game is a threat. You just keep fighting him. You won't quit, so I am not surprised at all that he threatened to kill you. You need to consider your safety and security in regards to his escalation, but I personally see you also using it as justification for the affairs of the marrieds...

Courage To Change 08/05/14
Resentments poisoned most of my waking hours before I found Al-Anon. I could keep a fire under a resentment for days, or years, by constantly justifying why I felt the way I did. Today, although it is important to notice my feelings, I don’t have to continually rehearse and re-rehearse my grievances. It’s not necessary to keep reviewing how I have been hurt, to assign blame, or to determine damages. Ultimately, I may not resolve everything with the person in question—though that might be pleasant if it came to pass. I just want to be rid of the resentment because it prevents me from experiencing joy. I try to shift my energy to where it will do some good. I apply Steps Six and Seven because, to me, the way to let go of resentment is to turn to my Higher Power. I want to become entirely ready to have my Higher Power lift it, and I humbly ask for help.

Today’s Reminder
If I am holding a resentment, I can simply ask for relief, for peace of mind in the present moment. I will remind myself that this relief will come in God’s time. Then I can grow quiet, be patient, and wait.
“No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.”
George Jean Nathan

lillamy

I understand being in a situation where you fear for your life. I understand having an ex who has promised -- not threatened, promised -- to kill you. I live that.

There are many precautions you can take. Living in the US, I have several licensed weapons in the house and have become a fairly good shot. Most days, I carry a gun. I've learned how to manage my life without having the fear take over. It can be done.

But I'm thinking, along with Dandylion, that you may need help getting on your feet. That feeling of still being shackled to a person who's threatened to kill you is horrifying.

I'll tell you what I did: I made a list of what was my absolute must-haves in the divorce. And then I told my lawyer to use anything else to negotiate with. My must-have? Was the children. I didn't even get that.

But I think I was at a point pretty similar to yours, where I just didn't care anymore. Nothing mattered. I needed the divorce to be final. I needed to feel like the world didn't force me to be shackled to an abusive a****** anymore. I needed it to be over with before I could go on with my life. And when I didn't get that, I lost my cope.

You went out and had a fling with a married guy. I holed up in my bedroom and watched movies and let everything go. As much as I think your way of dealing with the pain and fear and depression (yes, I think it's depression) was a morally wrong one, I have to give you this: you still have some fight in you. You may not feel it, but you still have some will to live. I barely had that.

Use that. But use it for something positive. Something useful. Give your ex the house (that he's not taking care of), the furniture (that's being ruined), give him whatever he wants -- as long as you get the kids. Because the rest, when it all comes down to it -- the rest is just STUFF.

happybeingme

I think you have become so emotionally numb that you can only function when your life is in chaos. Why else be involved with anyone right now when your life is so upside down?
While I think affairs are terrible what I think is worse is that you apparently think deep in your heart, is that these are the only kind of men you deserve. That's sad. You deserve more.
I hope things work out and that you eventually get your divorce. Take care and be safe

theuncertainty

Pippi, both your insomnia and weight loss make me feel so worried for you. And this

makes me so scared for you. You know to trust your instincts, right? Please take steps to keep yourself safe. Since you've been training, have you considered taking a self-defense class? I took one that was offered through the university, specifically for women, and at a low fee since it's to help keep their students safe. It included training to get away from physical attacks and steps to take to stay safe in various situations. (at the ATM, walking alone, parking lots...) I'm under no misconception that I can handle _anything_ AXH might pull, but I'm a lot more confident that it wouldn't be completely one-sided, either. That has been a much needed boost to my sense of control and safety.

((((hugs))))

Hawkeye13

It does seem you are having some serious depression which makes making the best choices hard.

I understand the desire for distraction and wanting "out" of the situation for awhile.
His threats and your mental state aren't a good combo right now either.

Are you still in the U.S. or back in Europe?
Get a restraining order ASAP if in the states and let's talk some little steps you can
take right now to rebuild Pippi the Warrior. . . the waif thing isn't you.
Not really.

You are a strong capable woman who isn't going to let this pud with an ugly a$$
take you down with him.

You've got kids and lot of fine living to do.
Maybe you are just too entrenched into winning this battle when you have a war to think about.

Capiche?

PippiLngstockng

Ok. The morally detestable fling with MG #1 was incredible. I seriously know I am worthy of a loving commited relationship with a nice single man. Until one happens along, however, I do not in any way consider that time with MG #1 a bad idea for Pippi. It's just this isn't exactly the right place to be discussing these matters.

Btw, it started the day before divorce mediation. Texts from MG #1 appearing during mediation, then back for more time discovering MG #1 later that evening before leaving the US to return home. It made mediation almost fun. It put it all in perspective, made xah more xish and gave me joy and a reason to laugh as everything came tumbling down. I was on a total high. And much as he is a wretch, he is a lot of things I really like and could be totally in love with if he weren't a lying cheat scumbag.

MG#2 is strangely almost from the same exact demographic. They are both from the same European country, bilingual, same age, height, build, same sport, similar profession and socioeconomic status, lived in same different parts of the world same marital status same number and age children. One I meet on an island and lives on the other side of the world. The other a neighbor.

Hmmm. Feels like higher powers are messing with me.

I probably have depression and my new doctor said same so I skipped the follow-up appointment. I also have been crazy strong and happy so maybe I am manic, too.

I won't let xah win by going on psych meds.

I think he is freaking out because I am winning some battles and it will have to come to an end eventually. He will have to sell the house and that will destabilize him so much he may not make it. Either that or I stay on the mortgage for 3 years while he decides what to do with his life, which is his lawyer's request.

I don't care. Let him stay in the house. He is less a danger to me there. If he becomes totally unglued we are all lost for now. I can't earn enough to support all of the children. Especially while I am the only one caring for them. The best shot I have short term is to pray that xah stays glued together, care for the children, gather work experience, stay young and strong, and maybe meet a good guy someday.