PippiLngstockng

The fear of him killing himself/me is super real. My neighbors say it. There is even a noose tied to the living room beam over the stairs. Might be where he's hung a pinata years ago, but it is a noose and super creepy. He obsesses over certain kinds of deaths and writes about it on FB. The lawyers worry about him. Everyone does. And he has threatened to kill me and meant it.

Self defense only works if you study it for years is what I have been told. I am stronger physically than I had ever thought possible. They don't hand out restraining orders over here. I had one for a while but the judge is sort of on xah's side and tries to laugh everything off. I agree that something should be done. I was thinking a dog.

Hawkeye13

What would you get in exchange for staying on the note?

I suggest a lump sum of hidden money to keep things going. . .

Hawkeye13

A nice large dog that adores you is a great defense.
Kids would love that too.

I have three of them, and sleep pretty fearlessly. . .

They are also wonderful loving company that love to cuddle.

theuncertainty

During the divorce, I was terrified that if I started seeking help for my depression and PTSD, that AXH would find out and use it against me in the custody hearing, so I asked my lawyer about possible ramifications. She told me that if I was seeking the help I needed and if the medication that I was taking was prescribed by a doctor, and being taken as prescribed, there wasn't an issued that needed to be raised. And if AXH did bring it up, the court would not hold it against me that I was getting help.

If you need the help, Pippi.... please don't let your XAH keep you from getting it. Maybe your doctor can help you find an alternate means of treating the depression... counseling, or a new exercise regimen, sunlight, and healthy diet.

Please take care of yourself.

theuncertainty

That's what I'd been told about martial arts, but not about the class I took. Yes, it's just a start and I plan to take more. But if you don't start, you will never have the 'years of experience.' And really the boost to my self-confidence was incredibly valuable, too. It was just one suggestion of something that helped me feel better about myself.

lillamy

It's not a defeat to seek help when you need it. For addicts or for depressed people.

Stung

Man, this thread really resonates with me and it has nothing to do with your affairs.

This is ALL about control. I think you and your ex have drawn lines in the sand and neither of you will budge but continue to try to push the other back but again, neither of you will budge. You want more. He wants more. You want more. He wants more. For what?! What is all of this worth for YOU, dude? He's a narcissist so rest assured that he'll never quit and he won't play nice. But guess what? Knowing when to quit is a virtue, not a weakness. It doesn't always have to be win or lose. If you can't make it with what he's offering then just take it and have faith in your higher power and in yourself that everything will work out. Your voice from your threads gives everyone the impression that you're strong willed and determined. I have faith that if push came to shove (and you weren't focusing so much on your STBXAH and d-bag married men) that you would make it work, Pippi.

Pippi, you are damn smart and determined. You run freaking triathlons and men (even if they are dirt bag ones that you're willing to give your time to I KNOW there are single men that are vying for your attention too) are hitting on you and you've had four kids. FOUR! Go you, mama!!

You know that saying about "drop the rope"? I think it's time for you to drop the rope so you can move onward and upward.

You deserve more than this (more than any of these scummy men you're surrounding yourself with. Married cheating men are scummy and obviously your STXAH is scum too.) You deserve happiness. Your children deserve a genuinely happy and fulfilled mother because that is the exact opposite of the role model that they have in their father.

Wishing you the motivation to take care of yourself. Sending you some extra strength.

Hawkeye13

What Stung said much better than me about "dropping the rope"
is exactly what I was trying to say when I posted earlier

" you're busy fighting the battle when you need to win the war"

Don't know if I got my quote right, but the point is important.
Control does seem to be the issue--toxic people thrive on fighting
but it makes healthy people sick and unhealthy.

That's what's happening to you Pippi.
He wants to keep you fighting and you are getting sick physically and emotionally from it
because you are a normal loving human being and not a psycho narcissist.
It's almost like he sucks your energy when he can make you angry or upset.

Maybe you do need to drop the rope and settle the damn thing.

Get him out of your life and move on.

[Way to cut to the heart of it Stung]

redatlanta

Pippi, are you possibly bi polar?

amy55

I need to say, totally uncalled for. I remember when I was going through what I was going through, a family member said that to me. I was abused. My ex would make comments to me, very softly, and it would set me off. Trigger me. I wouldn't talk to him, and I was called mentally ill because I was always fighting with him and refused to be around him. I don't know Pippi well enough to assume anything. I like Pippi.

CodeJob

zoso77

I have a couple of remarks, and then I'm going back on my side of SR.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned in the past five years or so is when we give ourselves permission to do things that aren't in our best interests but make us feel good, those decisions have a way of coming back to bite us in our backside. Morality aside, when a married man is laying pipe in someone other than his wife, the potential consequences of laying said pipe are ginormous. And whether you realize it or not, they're ginormous for you, too.

I have no dog in whatever fights you find yourself in on a daily basis. But as a dispassionate observer, I can tell you when you give yourself permission to do things like boinking married men, there's nothing good down that road once the end of that road is reached. It would be in your best interests to consider that before doing something like that again.

That being said, I'm fairly certain you won't, and I acknowledge your right to disregard or outright dismiss the feedback those of us at SR give you. But it's also worth considering that your Higher Power isn't f**king with you. Your Higher Power has given you free will, and what you do with that free will is entirely up to you. If and when your decisions come back and bite you on your backside, the onus is not on your Higher Power. It's on you.

I'm going back to FFSA. Enjoy the rest of your night.

hopeful4

Well said Zoso!!!

iamthird

Hurting people hurt people. I have never said anything unkind on this forum so I will leave it at that.

miamifella

Really?

amy55

Pippi, this is for you, and for you only. I do know how you feel. I think sometimes we look around and feel that life is just not fair. I am writing now from my own experience, not yours. You go through this abusive relationship. Damn emotional abuse is so much worse then physical, at least with physical you can see the scars. They took it all from us. (Please I don't want to hear here that we allowed it). Whatever we did was not good enough. They attacked our intelligence, our spirituality, our sexuality, they attacked everything. Would you know that when I went to my lawyer that I had written down 143 wrong with me.

We no longer know up from down, or right from wrong. We lived in a world that we accepted crumbs, just so that we knew we would survive the night.

I slept in my car many nights, I just wanted to feel safe.

So yes, we get out of that relationship, we survive, but we are still somehow tied to them.

We want to feel good about ourselves, after all, we are use to the crumbs. Just want someone to tell me that I am beautiful and desirable. Also thinking in your case, you have a lot of kids, in my case, I'm nearly a senior citizen. Who would want us? We were told for so long, that everything about us is so wrong.

We just want to hear that we are OK.

We want those words to go away. And yes, there were many times that I might have accepted anything or anyone to make that pain go away.

And to tell you the whole truth, I might have, but I have a problem. I had cervical cancer. I don't really know if I can actually ever have sex again. The radiation shrunk my cervix. If that didn't happen, I don't know if I can even post what I would have done. I missed human contact. I missed being loved and feeling cared about.

I didn't seek out what you are, because I didn't want to embarrass myself even more. My ex really got on me about that stuff. I felt like I wasn't a woman, or even a human. I didn't or still don't know if I can have normal sex.

Perhaps that was a blessing.

I understand your needs and wants, I had them also, but I felt like I wasn't even a woman in addition to everything else.

I don't know if I ever posted this before. I did have stage 3b cervical cancer. I thought it ended my sex life.

I am now out of my relationship for over 5 years. I have a lot of obstacles to go through, but I now know that I am OK.

I may find someone, I may not. Actually am somewhat dating someone now, he understands what I went through, and he is willing to give me all the time I need. I did already tell him about how I might not be able to have sexual intercourse, and that is OK with him also.

For now, just think of yourself, and your children. Prioritorize that. Learn to love yourself again. I know I wasn't able to do that when I was married, but I am slowly learning.

People are loving me for who I am, not for what I can do for them.

I am also learning to love people for who they are, and not for who I want them to be.

My best to you.

amy55

Did I mention that when I was married we were upper middle class, divorced, I am slightly above poverty level. I bought a foreclosure. What a nightmare. Had to even replace the subfloors, but I did it, and the furniture from "our" home. Well, I asked him about that, he told me he got rid of everything, and that nothing was mine. The table that I lovingly restored, the chairs, he said he threw it all away.

I went to flea markets, garage sales, and cheap department stores.

It was worth it to not hear his mouth anymore. I could have taken him to court for that, but I thought "why"? If I had that furniture it would be a reminder, and I would have kicked it, and hurt my toes.......

I let it all go, and I am now happier without it.

PippiLngstockng

I woke up and the sun is shining and I am just smiling because you all are so lovely.

Thank you for letting me be honest with you. I had a good cry during all that posting and that doesn't happen so easily. And I feel better.

Maybe they are all scuzzy and that rubs off on me and makes me unhealthier.

At the same time, Stung, you do understand. I am going to be 50 next year and yes, I have 4 kids and I have these gorgeous younger men hitting on me. I do feel empowered on some level because I am physically healthy and strong and what's more? I am faster than some of them. I can keep them chasing me and flying across the globe to see me. And if I keep my wits about me I will stay in charge. And I have put MG #1 in his place several times and fought with him and called him on his bs and he is still rearranging his work schedule to be with me.

And I am trying to settle with xah. It is just that when I offer him something he wants then he wants way more. His divorce proposal is crazy and the more I relent the more and more he wants me to relent.

I have to have some money or I will lose our home.

But I hear you all loud and clear. I am mixing my life's energy in bad places and these power-hungry jerks are taking all of my love and joy and kindnesses and leaving me vulnerable to losing myself.

I wish I could take everyone's pain away like you helped me a bit with mine.

PippiLngstockng

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

Fandy

At the same time, Stung, you do understand. I am going to be 50 next year and yes, I have 4 kids and I have these gorgeous younger men hitting on me. I do feel empowered on some level because I am physically healthy and strong and what's more? I am faster than some of them. I can keep them chasing me and flying across the globe to see me. And if I keep my wits about me I will stay in charge. And I have put MG #1 in his place several times and fought with him and called him on his bs and he is still rearranging his work schedule to be with me

You seem to be justifying your behavior by being flattered at this attention, but have you forgotten the FACT that he is MARRIED to another woman and has a FAMILY that will be hurt by YOUR actions too? Be strong, be attractive and stay away from other women's husbands. it's poor judgment on your part and bad manners to do this. If you keep up with practicing on other woman's men, you are going to become a fixture wearing this label in your small town....especially the neighbor.

You think they are just so smitten with you, but at the end of the day, you are still broke and fighting for control because you need $$$. and are DEPENDENT on your own XH and divorce to live and exist.

you might concentrate all of your strength and energy into yourself and getting a top job in your field. and these married men you know so well might open some doors for you to help in that aspect.

ok, I'm done, I've really tried to be objective and kind, but the justification of bad behavior is really too much while playing the victim card. a divorce with all the legal/financial entanglements is draining enough, throwing the fact that you are doing what you are, it's no wonder you can't sleep and eat. I hope you get back to healthy and normal and I hope your current STBXH gives up.