Croissant

Jarp...so sorry for what you are going through. I've read this thread the last couple of days and the thing is, this is your decision and you must feel comfortable with it - whatever it is.

I've been on both sides. As a non drinking wife with a husband coming out of detox, like you and now, ironically, as a drinker 16 years later myself.

I couldn't predict my own recovery, let alone tell you whether your husband will or will not drink again. I did choose sobriety out of nowhere and have been sober for the best part of a year, with a couple of minor slips. I'm surprised it stuck for me even for the stints that it has, so who knows what is possible for your husband.

I certainly understand your concerns about pubs all around and drinking culture, particularly in a high profile corporate role. Eventually I left my job because I actually was sick of going to work in a work culture where having a hangover is accepted as being ok.

BUT, that being said...my husband had no temptation, but still continually relapsed.

I would suggest if it's possible, you speak about your concerns with one of the counsellors at the centre. See how you feel about him coming home. My husband came home. Within 3 months I moved out. But, maybe giving it a shot, and seeing if it can work is a way for you to reach the conclusion that it may not work. I just think once I realised how bad my husbands problem was, I wasn't prepared to keep dealing with the fallout from it all the time.

My own drinking problems surfaced quite a few years after my divorce, from a traumatic event. I never regret leaving my husband, I'm glad I did try to have him at home after rehab. I think it gave me the closure I needed to let go - that I'd tried my best.

No advice, really. Just reinforcing the outcomes aren't predictable. You have to do what you feel most at peace with.

Santa

No, you are right. But jarp also has rights, including to decide whether she wants to live with her RAH now and if so, whether she will continue to live with him if he relapses. It's a tough road. I got to where I could see the signs of my exAH soon to relapse a mile away. We all have to decide how much of our lives we'll give up to the cycle.

cynical one

Salvation Army Addiction Services Australia

Oxford House International Sober Living Homes

Windana Recovery
(Recommended by a nurse friend in Australia)

redatlanta

I think its ok, rather I know its ok as the sober spouse to set boundaries of what you will live with or not and that can include active recovery.

He doesn't have to accept it. He can live wherever he wants "rule" free.

Thumper

What a complicated and heartbreaking position you are in

You have talked to him and his medical team. I would high tail it to an independent counselor that specialized in addictions/codependency to help figure out what *you* want and than keep going for the next year or so because the support will be priceless with either choice.

I made some 'Codie' choices I really regret and some I do not. They were right for me even if they didn't always look that way from the outside. The regret ones were made pre-counselor.

AnvilheadII

jarp, if you do decide to allow him to come back home - which i hope would be temporary until he get it in to the first available treatment facility - IMHO you have every right to set the bar as HIGH as you deem fit. he doesn't have to comply. this isn't about making it so impossible he won't last 3 minutes, but it is about establishing some really hard fast boundaries - boundaries that will help to protect you and the children from whatever stupid sh!t an alcoholic can pull.

also, while i do understand the "drinking culture" issue, do not let that be a cop out. because there are certainly at least a handful of australians that manage to stay sober without having to move to a different country!!!! sure alcohol is everywhere....but australia doesn't exacty have the market cornered on that! here in the Seattle area, they sell booze in the grocery stores now and beer and wine at every convenience store or gas station. it's just THERE. recovering alcoholics learn to deal with that.....once the decision has been made to not drink again and if they work any type of program with a basis in spirituality, that the obsession will be lifted by a power greater than themselves and FAR GREATER than booze.

alcohol is but a symptom....with lots of work and gudance he can get to core issues into WHY he chooses to drink when it's likely to kill him and ruin everything in his life he holds dear. and find ways to heal instead of continually pouring a liquid balm over everything til it disappears.

good luck. i wish the best for you all!!!

BlueChair

"Originally Posted by BlueChair
I think its ok to ask questions, make suggestions and work with your husband and his medical team, but I don’t think its our place to make a rule regarding what our significant others must do to prove they are serious about recovery,"




I agree with you RedAtlanta. Everyone has a right to decide what they will and wont live. Its why I had this in my post to the OP: .

Boundaries as I view them are rules (( I )) live by however. (( I )) WONT live with X, or (( I )) WILL live with X. And my boundaries make ME responsible for taking action if I don’t like the situation.

I think if you flat out tell someone “Do this, or you can leave” then its not really a boundary, its trying to control another person and their behavior.

My husbands recovery plan was worked on with the help of a group of doctors, they recommended treatment plan in detail, there would be a discussion, and a question did he think this would work for him, or if not why and then lets look at alternatives. It was flexible all the way through.

For example, after inpatient he tried outpatient, didn’t like it and quit after a month. I remember people said if he doesn’t want to do outpatient this means he isnt serious about his recovery. It was a bad sign oh no !!!

But instead he stayed with counseling through the addiction specialist and it worked out fine. If I had a boundary saying he had to do outpatient instead of counseling, then it would have been wrong on my part. It would have been my attempt to control him, and in has case maybe even unhealthy.

But sure I could have set a boundary for myself saying I wont be in a relationship with someone who wont do outpatient. It would have had nothing to do with him, and all about me.

I just never felt the burden of trying to manage the details of things for him. I learned to trust his doctors, and respect his choices, and could tell over time things were getting better.

I was lucky I guess because we talked a lot, and I was also in the loop with all his doctors, and we did family counseling and would discuss everything.

At one point before he came home they asked if either of us wanted a written contract to define a set of acceptable rules we would both agree to live by, but we decided not to do it this way. I can see where this would be good for some families. These rules I don’t think of as boundaries, they are more like personal agreements with built in consequences if one party fails to meet whats been agreed upon. Yeah a contract basically.

We all view things different and thats cool, I can only share whats been working for me. I see similarities in Jarps situation to mine, the high level of involvement with the doctors and her husbands care, all the confusion in the beginning. It reminds me a lot of what we went through is all.

jarp

Thank you all for your throughts again. I'll post a seperate update - just trying to get the courage to do so!

Thanks especially cycical one. Two of those resources are for rehab only - not resi living. Oxford house isnt in our state....but I will follow them up anyway because absolutely no professional I have spoken to so far has been aware of resi living for alcoholics so far - so maybe there IS something mirrored in our state?

Thumper

You don't need courage. This is a safe place full of support. We get it (and by that I mean we get it no matter which direction your update goes) and SR is your place and a place for honesty and truth - which makes the support so real and valid.

cynical one

Not knowing what State you are in, this may or may not be helpful. But, it does appear that the SA may offer transitional housing. Maybe call them to see if something is available in your state.

Hawkeye13

Ditto what Thumper said.

redatlanta

Yes no courage needed. We are all behind you.