Met with AH at detox
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
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Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I am really confused, and need to take some time to digest. I don't know what to do. I know to a lot of you here the answer is obvious. Its not obvious to me.
Sober living houses sound fantastic, we don't have them here. We don't even have a system that allows for rehab after detox...you go on a waiting last unless you have he money or top level insurance to go private (our medical system is different to in the USA). It's such a gap....all the professionals have said that. They have offerd an outreach worker visit every 2-3 days to the house. It seems this person is a psych nurse with addiction speciality.
Sober living houses sound fantastic, we don't have them here. We don't even have a system that allows for rehab after detox...you go on a waiting last unless you have he money or top level insurance to go private (our medical system is different to in the USA). It's such a gap....all the professionals have said that. They have offerd an outreach worker visit every 2-3 days to the house. It seems this person is a psych nurse with addiction speciality.
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Jarp....because I am rooting so hard for you'all and I know how hard you have wished for this apparent "miracle" to happen....I am going to be very straight forward with you, here, in regards to how I honestly see the situation. (I have worked with alcoholics in both the inpatient and outpatient settings).
I think your gut is giving you signals that you should listen to.
Yes, this very rapid turn-around is hope inspiring....that sobriety and recovery is possible for him, provided that he is in the right environment and that he stays as motivated as he sounds, right now.
Given the history that you have shared with us, everything in me says DO NOT AGREE FOR HIM TO RETURN HOME AT THIS TIME.
Trust me, jarp...I hate to be the buzz-kill on this forum!!!!!!!!
The statistics point to the fact that he will want to drink...and will within a short time of returning home (even with outpatient services). The core of the disease is that, once drinking, the ability to control it is gone.
This is a guy who has never ever attempted to "quit", before. He is a total newbie to this.
At home, there are triggers in every nook and cranny. Plus, there is the complexity of his relationship with you.....which will involve lots of fears and conflicted emotions of the BOTH of you---many of which you are unaware of, right now. Facing these feelings without alcohol is overwhelming and frightening to most all recovering alcoholics for the first year (at the minimum). Thus....strong compulsion to reach for the bottle.
Even in AA---the first thing they advise is to change the playground and change the playmates...because they know how important the living environment is. And, they know the power of relationship stress and expectations is such a frequent reason for relapse.
Right now, he has (by the mercy of God) what sounds like a really good professional team sitting on his head. He sounds, to me, like a pretty smart guy---and, probably picks up pretty quickly what to say and what to do to get approval (and get what he wants).
He may mean what he says about wanting to "lick this", but, remember that he is just like a freshly born foal, right now walking on very spindly and shaky legs. He is not ready to run, yet, by a long shot!
I believe that it is essential, for his and your recovery, for him to live elsewhere for the next year. Now, I know that this sounds shocking to most people reading this. But, I am remembering the words of the addiction doctor who first saw him in the ER. This is a guy who needs a lot of controlled environment while he has a chance for his brain, body, and spirit to heal.
You do not have the ability or the energy to care for him like the seasoned professionals do who will be calling the shots, with him. Their hearts won't break like yours can...because they have the objectivity and detachment on their side.
I suggest that you strongly insist on a stint at a more formal rehab. Then, move from rehab to a sober living house. You all can still visit each other, communicate, etc...
This gives him the space to put his recovery as the n umber one priority in his life.
This didn't even look like a possibility a month ago (or less).
Will you feel guilty....LOL....Of course. You already do! But, jarp...this is standard for co-dependents. This is on your side of the street and for you to deal with....
Co-dependents are very sensitive to the inner feelings of the alcoholic, and.....feel guilty!
Please don't let your (undeserved) guilt be a reason to let him short circuit the best thing that has come your way.
Jarp, having a physical separation, right now is equally important for you. If you want this to work out....you need as much work on yourself as he does. You two are very intertwined in the "dance", so to speak. Probably, more that you are really aware of, at this point.
If you don't trust me....and, there is no reason that you necessarily should....talk to some others who have worked a long time in this field. Talk to some long-recovered alcoholics. Talk to very seasoned people....not just to some people who want to wave the positive thinking banner and make you "feel good".
I am writing all this to give you the benefit of my own experience and knowledge in this area...because I care a great deal.
Jarp, I hope you will, at least, consider these words with an open mind....
sincerely,
dandylion
I think your gut is giving you signals that you should listen to.
Yes, this very rapid turn-around is hope inspiring....that sobriety and recovery is possible for him, provided that he is in the right environment and that he stays as motivated as he sounds, right now.
Given the history that you have shared with us, everything in me says DO NOT AGREE FOR HIM TO RETURN HOME AT THIS TIME.
Trust me, jarp...I hate to be the buzz-kill on this forum!!!!!!!!
The statistics point to the fact that he will want to drink...and will within a short time of returning home (even with outpatient services). The core of the disease is that, once drinking, the ability to control it is gone.
This is a guy who has never ever attempted to "quit", before. He is a total newbie to this.
At home, there are triggers in every nook and cranny. Plus, there is the complexity of his relationship with you.....which will involve lots of fears and conflicted emotions of the BOTH of you---many of which you are unaware of, right now. Facing these feelings without alcohol is overwhelming and frightening to most all recovering alcoholics for the first year (at the minimum). Thus....strong compulsion to reach for the bottle.
Even in AA---the first thing they advise is to change the playground and change the playmates...because they know how important the living environment is. And, they know the power of relationship stress and expectations is such a frequent reason for relapse.
Right now, he has (by the mercy of God) what sounds like a really good professional team sitting on his head. He sounds, to me, like a pretty smart guy---and, probably picks up pretty quickly what to say and what to do to get approval (and get what he wants).
He may mean what he says about wanting to "lick this", but, remember that he is just like a freshly born foal, right now walking on very spindly and shaky legs. He is not ready to run, yet, by a long shot!
I believe that it is essential, for his and your recovery, for him to live elsewhere for the next year. Now, I know that this sounds shocking to most people reading this. But, I am remembering the words of the addiction doctor who first saw him in the ER. This is a guy who needs a lot of controlled environment while he has a chance for his brain, body, and spirit to heal.
You do not have the ability or the energy to care for him like the seasoned professionals do who will be calling the shots, with him. Their hearts won't break like yours can...because they have the objectivity and detachment on their side.
I suggest that you strongly insist on a stint at a more formal rehab. Then, move from rehab to a sober living house. You all can still visit each other, communicate, etc...
This gives him the space to put his recovery as the n umber one priority in his life.
This didn't even look like a possibility a month ago (or less).
Will you feel guilty....LOL....Of course. You already do! But, jarp...this is standard for co-dependents. This is on your side of the street and for you to deal with....
Co-dependents are very sensitive to the inner feelings of the alcoholic, and.....feel guilty!
Please don't let your (undeserved) guilt be a reason to let him short circuit the best thing that has come your way.
Jarp, having a physical separation, right now is equally important for you. If you want this to work out....you need as much work on yourself as he does. You two are very intertwined in the "dance", so to speak. Probably, more that you are really aware of, at this point.
If you don't trust me....and, there is no reason that you necessarily should....talk to some others who have worked a long time in this field. Talk to some long-recovered alcoholics. Talk to very seasoned people....not just to some people who want to wave the positive thinking banner and make you "feel good".
I am writing all this to give you the benefit of my own experience and knowledge in this area...because I care a great deal.
Jarp, I hope you will, at least, consider these words with an open mind....
sincerely,
dandylion
I'm trying to sort out what's right for me and the kids, and let go of fear and guilt.
I think if the was an environment like you speak of (bolded) I could let go of the guilt. But there's not. It's about a 4 month wait for public rehab, and 4-6 weeks for private. His option in the middle of that is a hotel room or furnished apartment.
I really struggling with this. My mum always said I could never 'be told'. That I had to learn everything the hard way. Which would be fine if it were just me involved.
None of the care team are giving an opinion one way or the other...ex the one comment they made about a family environment being better for him, as many of his identified triggers (I'm sure there are more) were around being alone, bored, away from the home. They are all saying I need to do what I need to do.
Thank you again. I am grateful that you took the time and cared enough to not sugar coat your experience.
X
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Posts: 1,927
Im sorry your still struggling Jarp... but I completely understand.
A good inpatient rehab would probably be the best option for your husband because of his long time use. BUT from my experience all rehabs are not created equal, some are really not very good here in the United States. I looked at a lot of them before my husband went in. not fun. I was just talking to a friend who's loved one is in rehab, and she saw for herself the conditions and it is not as advertised; the therapy with qualified medical professionals nil, lack of supervision, etc. etc. Really disappointing when the problem is so serious.
I don't know if there is a difference between public and private care in Australia but please both of you look carefully at his next steps -my suggestion is to get the best you can to start it off right. Here, its really the same with Sober Living; some are not good, not healthy environments for healing. I know you said you don't have these in Australia but just know he might not be missing much.
Just thinking of you and hoping you find peace in your decisions.
A good inpatient rehab would probably be the best option for your husband because of his long time use. BUT from my experience all rehabs are not created equal, some are really not very good here in the United States. I looked at a lot of them before my husband went in. not fun. I was just talking to a friend who's loved one is in rehab, and she saw for herself the conditions and it is not as advertised; the therapy with qualified medical professionals nil, lack of supervision, etc. etc. Really disappointing when the problem is so serious.
I don't know if there is a difference between public and private care in Australia but please both of you look carefully at his next steps -my suggestion is to get the best you can to start it off right. Here, its really the same with Sober Living; some are not good, not healthy environments for healing. I know you said you don't have these in Australia but just know he might not be missing much.
Just thinking of you and hoping you find peace in your decisions.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Theres a woman in my homegroup w/ a husband who has problems with alone time as well- he had a 2nd relapse last winter. So far it seems he's doing fine- she hasn't mentioned trouble OTOH recently she was on travel for a week during that time he stayed at his sponsor's house to avoid the home alone stuff. I don't know how nasty he got with her, she started w/ alanon 5 yrs ago, I've only been in since early this year.
Perhaps if his recovery "network" involves go-to people and places to get him away from his triggers... if he's desperate to recover there will be a way. But if he starts suggesting that once he's out of detox then he's at all fixed...
Perhaps if his recovery "network" involves go-to people and places to get him away from his triggers... if he's desperate to recover there will be a way. But if he starts suggesting that once he's out of detox then he's at all fixed...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Sounds like a very difficult choice jarp.
No matter where he goes after detox,
I still would strongly suggest an inpatient program no matter what.
Frankly, he sounds like he was in much more in crisis than me when I stopped,
and I was really struggling to deal with the home thing and
breaking the addiction cycle, in addition to work.
No matter where he goes after detox,
I still would strongly suggest an inpatient program no matter what.
Frankly, he sounds like he was in much more in crisis than me when I stopped,
and I was really struggling to deal with the home thing and
breaking the addiction cycle, in addition to work.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Jarp.....Yipes! As you have explained it, I can see your conundrum. I have only dealt with the system that we have, here, in the U.S., of course.
Also, it would help to know more about your geographic factors...like--do you live in a fairly urban setting, or are you in a sparsely-settled rural area. Near or far from medical or mental health facilities? ***how accessable is AA or Alanon--if at all?
I will say that I think sending the addiction specialist nurse to your home sounds like a lovely feature......
If I understood correctly, you will be talking to him, today?
I hope you can let us know how that goes.
dandylion
Also, it would help to know more about your geographic factors...like--do you live in a fairly urban setting, or are you in a sparsely-settled rural area. Near or far from medical or mental health facilities? ***how accessable is AA or Alanon--if at all?
I will say that I think sending the addiction specialist nurse to your home sounds like a lovely feature......
If I understood correctly, you will be talking to him, today?
I hope you can let us know how that goes.
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Jarp coming in late on this thread, and there's no way of knowing in advance what's for the best, but my instinct reading your first post was that he shouldn't come home right away. It might be putting him back into familiar territory where he has drunk previously. As an alcoholic, I had to make a conscious effort to avoid situations where I used to drink. It's too easy to fall into the old ways of thinking.
What would be the danger if he didn't come home?
But like I said before, there's probably no way of knowing.
What would be the danger if he didn't come home?
But like I said before, there's probably no way of knowing.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Thanks everyone.
Shanappi ** In AH's defence he certainly doesn't think that detox is the end of it...in fact he has said that it is the easy bit! It's what he doesn't next that I have to watch and wait for.
Dandelion, we live I the middle of one of our capital cities. I've never been to the US but life in Australia centres around booze...we're one the biggest drinking cultures on the world and where we live certainly reflects that. Within a 1km radius (less than a mile) we have 4 pubs, 7 bars and 5 bottle shops. Yep. In fact AH once counted the number of alcohol 'establishments' on his ride home one day (4km) and he stopped counting at 40. The benefit is that there are a lt of services close by...it's just waiting to get in to them, because there is also an awfully high need.
In terms of his environment...it's hard to say.....everything is going to trigger him as alcohol is so entrenched in his life. Everywhere he looks here is booze, and he is usually front and centre. Even & especially his work....it's all about drinking with clients, boozy lunches, meetings at the pub etc etc.
The ONLY place he's ever moderated his drinking is at home. He has travelled a lot for work (not so much in this new job) and hotel rooms on his own are definitely a trigger. He comes home from a 3-4 day work trip and he is TRASHED and his room service/ mini bar bill is in the 100's$. I know that putting him in that environment is going to be too much for him...regardless of how resolved he is right now.
The care team have said its up to me of course, and I need to put me and the kids first. But if I want their opinion and if I am open to it....home would be a better place. They have said that a hotel room will see him back in detox very quickly. No pressure or anything.....(sarcasm in case it's not coming through).
Seeing him again today.
Shanappi ** In AH's defence he certainly doesn't think that detox is the end of it...in fact he has said that it is the easy bit! It's what he doesn't next that I have to watch and wait for.
Dandelion, we live I the middle of one of our capital cities. I've never been to the US but life in Australia centres around booze...we're one the biggest drinking cultures on the world and where we live certainly reflects that. Within a 1km radius (less than a mile) we have 4 pubs, 7 bars and 5 bottle shops. Yep. In fact AH once counted the number of alcohol 'establishments' on his ride home one day (4km) and he stopped counting at 40. The benefit is that there are a lt of services close by...it's just waiting to get in to them, because there is also an awfully high need.
In terms of his environment...it's hard to say.....everything is going to trigger him as alcohol is so entrenched in his life. Everywhere he looks here is booze, and he is usually front and centre. Even & especially his work....it's all about drinking with clients, boozy lunches, meetings at the pub etc etc.
The ONLY place he's ever moderated his drinking is at home. He has travelled a lot for work (not so much in this new job) and hotel rooms on his own are definitely a trigger. He comes home from a 3-4 day work trip and he is TRASHED and his room service/ mini bar bill is in the 100's$. I know that putting him in that environment is going to be too much for him...regardless of how resolved he is right now.
The care team have said its up to me of course, and I need to put me and the kids first. But if I want their opinion and if I am open to it....home would be a better place. They have said that a hotel room will see him back in detox very quickly. No pressure or anything.....(sarcasm in case it's not coming through).
Seeing him again today.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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No personal experience with this, just been following your story. Sending hugs and hoping for you to have strength and clarity. Whatever you decide will be the right thing for you and your family. Best wishes also to your husband. Sounds like he's on a good path so far.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Do you have half-way houses or sober living facilities over there? It might be a better solution than having him come home immediately.
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jarp....WoW. I am beginning to see the depth of your dilemma...especially from the environmental and cultural aspects. Honestly, I had no idea it was so different from here.
I live in Virginia just outside of Washington D.C.
I guess I think of Australia as a really fun and friendly place with very sexy accents. I have been influenced by "The Thornbirds" and "Crocodile Dundee"....and the "Crocodile Hunter"....and oprah's trip to Sydney. You can see how ignorant I am of cultural details.
Thank you for the explanation.
On the other hand....I think of high profile rock stars....who have to get sober...They must have to face some of the same temptations---with the travel and the drink and drugs pushed in their face everywhere they go.
And, I also think of other alcoholics in Australia who face the same cultural triggers---Surely, Some of them have gotten sober for the long-term. And, surely there is AA in a major city.
What I am trying to say, is.....if it is possible for some--then it is POSSIBLE for one.
Here, it is not uncommon for a motivated person to go to an AA meeting every day in the early recovery period. It is called "90 in 90"...ninety meetings in ninety days.
In the early days of AA--that was the only real source of help for the severe alcoholic. And, the church , for some of faith.
jarp, I am trying to find some realistic way to look at this that still can give you some hope. Clearly, the plans will have to be tailored to environmental realities.
I think that this is where the Serenity Prayer comes into play.
"Let go and let God".
Jarp, my thoughts and most hopeful wishes are with you.
dandylion
I live in Virginia just outside of Washington D.C.
I guess I think of Australia as a really fun and friendly place with very sexy accents. I have been influenced by "The Thornbirds" and "Crocodile Dundee"....and the "Crocodile Hunter"....and oprah's trip to Sydney. You can see how ignorant I am of cultural details.
Thank you for the explanation.
On the other hand....I think of high profile rock stars....who have to get sober...They must have to face some of the same temptations---with the travel and the drink and drugs pushed in their face everywhere they go.
And, I also think of other alcoholics in Australia who face the same cultural triggers---Surely, Some of them have gotten sober for the long-term. And, surely there is AA in a major city.
What I am trying to say, is.....if it is possible for some--then it is POSSIBLE for one.
Here, it is not uncommon for a motivated person to go to an AA meeting every day in the early recovery period. It is called "90 in 90"...ninety meetings in ninety days.
In the early days of AA--that was the only real source of help for the severe alcoholic. And, the church , for some of faith.
jarp, I am trying to find some realistic way to look at this that still can give you some hope. Clearly, the plans will have to be tailored to environmental realities.
I think that this is where the Serenity Prayer comes into play.
"Let go and let God".
Jarp, my thoughts and most hopeful wishes are with you.
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Jarp - i was not aware of the situation either and that is quite a dilemma.
First of all, I don't really like that there is a little bit of responsibility (or a lot) that if he does not come home that there is a higher likelihood of relapse. If someone is committed they are committed no matter where they are. Nonetheless an idle mind is the Devil's playground. Your reality of where you live is a bar on every corner and a society that in known for drinking heavily and encouraged. Here, for the most part, alcohol is shunned in the workplace during working hours. I am not trying to imply that the "boozy lunch" does not happen here - it does, but many companies have very strict policies about alcohol as we are such a litigious society. While there are millions of alcoholics and addicts here it is viewed unfavorably. I have known many a person to lose their job here for drinking on the job ( several who were not A's but violated a company policy of no drinking at a client lunch etc).
Changing people, places and things is a necessity IMO to success in recovery. I hope that AH will get support from his co-workers to abstain.
So back to your problem. Damn its a tough one. First being at home isn't gong to change that there are 40 bars and pubs within walking distance to your house. It isn't going to change that mainstream is the boozy lunch at work. it isn't going to change that his co- workers drink. He still travels some and its not going to change that he will be staying in hotels which are a big trigger for him.
If I let him come home the list of rules would be long. He would do 90/90 a meeting every single day no exception. Finances would be turned over to me (if they aren't already). No random ATM withdrawals and purchases monitored. No associating with past cronies and drinking buddies PERIOD. Need it be said that the slightest whiff of alcohol, or catch you in a lie and its over. Violate any of the rules and you are out the door.
Me personally I wouldn't want to deal with this^^^^. I wouldn't want to be put back in pins and needles mode and I don't view this as being co-dependent but rather laying down rules to keep the environment for me and my child safe. I would choose that he live in a hotel with generous visitation to the house. Perhaps in time, even before rehab opened, he may have built up enough trust to let him back in.
Either way support you fully, there is no "right" answer only what is "right" for you. I hope he remains committed and I keep you and your family in my prayers.
First of all, I don't really like that there is a little bit of responsibility (or a lot) that if he does not come home that there is a higher likelihood of relapse. If someone is committed they are committed no matter where they are. Nonetheless an idle mind is the Devil's playground. Your reality of where you live is a bar on every corner and a society that in known for drinking heavily and encouraged. Here, for the most part, alcohol is shunned in the workplace during working hours. I am not trying to imply that the "boozy lunch" does not happen here - it does, but many companies have very strict policies about alcohol as we are such a litigious society. While there are millions of alcoholics and addicts here it is viewed unfavorably. I have known many a person to lose their job here for drinking on the job ( several who were not A's but violated a company policy of no drinking at a client lunch etc).
Changing people, places and things is a necessity IMO to success in recovery. I hope that AH will get support from his co-workers to abstain.
So back to your problem. Damn its a tough one. First being at home isn't gong to change that there are 40 bars and pubs within walking distance to your house. It isn't going to change that mainstream is the boozy lunch at work. it isn't going to change that his co- workers drink. He still travels some and its not going to change that he will be staying in hotels which are a big trigger for him.
If I let him come home the list of rules would be long. He would do 90/90 a meeting every single day no exception. Finances would be turned over to me (if they aren't already). No random ATM withdrawals and purchases monitored. No associating with past cronies and drinking buddies PERIOD. Need it be said that the slightest whiff of alcohol, or catch you in a lie and its over. Violate any of the rules and you are out the door.
Me personally I wouldn't want to deal with this^^^^. I wouldn't want to be put back in pins and needles mode and I don't view this as being co-dependent but rather laying down rules to keep the environment for me and my child safe. I would choose that he live in a hotel with generous visitation to the house. Perhaps in time, even before rehab opened, he may have built up enough trust to let him back in.
Either way support you fully, there is no "right" answer only what is "right" for you. I hope he remains committed and I keep you and your family in my prayers.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
If I let him come home the list of rules would be long. He would do 90/90 a meeting every single day no exception. Finances would be turned over to me (if they aren't already). No random ATM withdrawals and purchases monitored. No associating with past cronies and drinking buddies PERIOD. Need it be said that the slightest whiff of alcohol, or catch you in a lie and its over. Violate any of the rules and you are out the door.
Me personally I wouldn't want to deal with this^^^^. I wouldn't want to be put back in pins and needles mode and I don't view this as being co-dependent but rather laying down rules to keep the environment for me and my child safe. I would choose that he live in a hotel with generous visitation to the house. Perhaps in time, even before rehab opened, he may have built up enough trust to let him back in.
Either way support you fully, there is no "right" answer only what is "right" for you. I hope he remains committed and I keep you and your family in my prayers.
Me personally I wouldn't want to deal with this^^^^. I wouldn't want to be put back in pins and needles mode and I don't view this as being co-dependent but rather laying down rules to keep the environment for me and my child safe. I would choose that he live in a hotel with generous visitation to the house. Perhaps in time, even before rehab opened, he may have built up enough trust to let him back in.
Either way support you fully, there is no "right" answer only what is "right" for you. I hope he remains committed and I keep you and your family in my prayers.
I think whether you decide to go the route of a hotel (would it be cheaper to rent a short-term lease on an apartment?) or have him move back into the home, the prevailing thought needs to be that YOU WILL NEED MORE SUPPORT TOO. However it makes the most sense for you - AL-Anon, SR, personal counseling or therapy, lifestyle changes (more yoga
), whatever... make sure that you & the kids are getting whatever it is that you need. If I remember, your AH has a pretty volatile, long-term history with alcohol so I can imagine that recovery is going to be a serious wage on war on all sides. Having the right, working tools in your recovery kit will help you decide which battles are worth fighting.
(((((HUGS))))) I hope you are feeling better today!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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The likelihood of relapse is high whether he is home or not. Simply because of how entrenched his disease is at this point, and because of the societal issues that you mention jarp. As others have noted, bars on every corner and a drinking culture will continue regardless of where he lives.
I don't think a hotel is the only alternative. He could sign a year lease on an apartment/flat or even find a short term (month to month) lease. To me, "hotel" says he is thinking this is going to get fixed fairly quickly...it's not.
If you allow him home I would do 3 things.... 1) control all family finances yourself; 2) have him sign an agreement that he will attend an AA meeting daily for at least 90 days, no exceptions whatsoever, or he is out; 3) have him sign an agreement that he is going to blow a clean breathalyzer daily, or he is out. Be 100% prepared to back that up if he doesn't hold up his end. This puts you in the cop role but unfortunately you have to protect yourself and child from his known history of lying and manipulation, so that you do not end up back at square 1 if he relapses.
I don't think a hotel is the only alternative. He could sign a year lease on an apartment/flat or even find a short term (month to month) lease. To me, "hotel" says he is thinking this is going to get fixed fairly quickly...it's not.
If you allow him home I would do 3 things.... 1) control all family finances yourself; 2) have him sign an agreement that he will attend an AA meeting daily for at least 90 days, no exceptions whatsoever, or he is out; 3) have him sign an agreement that he is going to blow a clean breathalyzer daily, or he is out. Be 100% prepared to back that up if he doesn't hold up his end. This puts you in the cop role but unfortunately you have to protect yourself and child from his known history of lying and manipulation, so that you do not end up back at square 1 if he relapses.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jarp...following on my last post, here....I kept thinking about what would I do if I were standing in your shoes, right now. This is what I imagine: I would seek out a local long-time recovering alcoholic and beg their wisdom and assistance. After all they would be an AUSTRALIAN alcoholic (LOL)....who had recovered under the same general culture that your husband has.
I am following the principle of "Necessity is the mother of invention", here. I have seen the AA community go to great lengths for their own. At least, it wouldn't hurt to try--to get the benefit of their wisdom.
dandylion
I am following the principle of "Necessity is the mother of invention", here. I have seen the AA community go to great lengths for their own. At least, it wouldn't hurt to try--to get the benefit of their wisdom.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
You are in one really TOUGH spot here. I hear your pain and honestly I don't know what I would do if the situations were reversed. That said you're in some ways trying to figure out what is the lesser of two evils. Even though I am AW in my relationship I completely agree with putting you and your family first. I think Santa's suggestion is a very good one. IF you allow him home play cop. Not fun but may be very necessary. When your hubbie gets into a program likely they will be drug testing regularly. Agreeing upon taking a breathalyzer test may anger him but he's going to get the same thing when he gets into a rehab and I think that may be necessary to protect yourself should you opt to go that route. If he cares enough about sobriety to agree upon your conditions he'll go with them. If he doesn't then to me that says he isn't committed enough to be at home and if that is the case then that is his choice and he can then take those consequences.
I wish you much luck as you wrangle with a very difficult situation and some very difficult choices. Thoughts coming your mind for clarity and the strength to make the best decisions you can for your family.
Peace,
I wish you much luck as you wrangle with a very difficult situation and some very difficult choices. Thoughts coming your mind for clarity and the strength to make the best decisions you can for your family.
Peace,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Unless something has changed, I believe Jarps husband is planning to use SMART recovery and not AA as part of his recovery process.
I think its ok to ask questions, make suggestions and work with your husband and his medical team, but I don’t think its our place to make a rule regarding what our significant others must do to prove they are serious about recovery, at least not down to specifics like you must go to a meeting everyday. Other issues like control of finances are more of a family issue so I think you have more say in this. Recovery from this illness shouldn't be punishment IMO.
With my husbands recovery, well he hasn’t relapsed after a year but I was told slips, or relapses can happen and its more important to look at each event independently. If there is instability puts you in danger, if he stops it quickly and learns from it. Its really not black and white in my mind. But obviously its your choice to decide what you can accept.
I think its ok to ask questions, make suggestions and work with your husband and his medical team, but I don’t think its our place to make a rule regarding what our significant others must do to prove they are serious about recovery, at least not down to specifics like you must go to a meeting everyday. Other issues like control of finances are more of a family issue so I think you have more say in this. Recovery from this illness shouldn't be punishment IMO.
With my husbands recovery, well he hasn’t relapsed after a year but I was told slips, or relapses can happen and its more important to look at each event independently. If there is instability puts you in danger, if he stops it quickly and learns from it. Its really not black and white in my mind. But obviously its your choice to decide what you can accept.
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