Met with AH at detox
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Met with AH at detox
I was super nervous and very anxious.
He looks like h*ll. But he was sounding better (well clearer and less narcisstic) than I have heard him sound in a long, long time. Ther is still some denial and minimisaiton there...but he does follow it up with "but my life is out of control and at the end of the day it doesnt matter if it was a bottle or a whole barrel of wine)...
He's NOT enjoying detox at all, but I think this is a good thing for him.
He basically said a lot of what Ive already told you that the medical team told me. He is committed to changing his life, has realised he can no longer drink, and is basically terrified to his very core. He feels immense shame over the things he has done and the people he has hurt, specifically the kids and I. He apologised but said he knew those words were probably hollow and that he knew he needed to prove himself first before he even hopes I will forgive him.
He certainly 'said' all the things that I'd want him to say...and I would be completely cycical except for the fact in all the years I have been with him I have never, ever heard him say any of these things. EVER.
He is also terrified if the process of recovery, and is very scared of what a lapse or relapse might mean....and how I will react and handle this. I said its something to talk about in therapy.
He has asked if he can come home, says he understands 100% if I say no, that if I do he's not closing the door, but just asks that we can agree that he can have some involvement with our son in whatever way I think is best. He is worried that if I say yes he is going to put us through more hell and that we dont deserve that, but that he cant help the desire to be home.
Says he is doing this for himself with or without being at home, but that he would appreciate trying to be at home. That if I say yes, I also reserve the right to change my mind at anytime and he will peacefully and willingly go and told me what his plan is if that happens in regards to his living arrangements.
Told me his plan for sobriety and recovery. Has made all the appointments himself including one with a family therapist that specialises in alcohol and drug addiction in families. This is pretty big as he was adament he'd never do this.
So....I am inclined to give him a chance. He's asked for me to come back in this weekend to talk to the detox counsellor together so we can come up with a basic contract in regards to my boundaries and what will happen should those be crossed, should he return.
I told him I want some time to think about it all.
I really hope that this is 'it'...but I do feel very detatched, and also quite anxious. I need to examine what this anxiety in my gut is telling me.
Thanks again for listening everyone!
He looks like h*ll. But he was sounding better (well clearer and less narcisstic) than I have heard him sound in a long, long time. Ther is still some denial and minimisaiton there...but he does follow it up with "but my life is out of control and at the end of the day it doesnt matter if it was a bottle or a whole barrel of wine)...
He's NOT enjoying detox at all, but I think this is a good thing for him.
He basically said a lot of what Ive already told you that the medical team told me. He is committed to changing his life, has realised he can no longer drink, and is basically terrified to his very core. He feels immense shame over the things he has done and the people he has hurt, specifically the kids and I. He apologised but said he knew those words were probably hollow and that he knew he needed to prove himself first before he even hopes I will forgive him.
He certainly 'said' all the things that I'd want him to say...and I would be completely cycical except for the fact in all the years I have been with him I have never, ever heard him say any of these things. EVER.
He is also terrified if the process of recovery, and is very scared of what a lapse or relapse might mean....and how I will react and handle this. I said its something to talk about in therapy.
He has asked if he can come home, says he understands 100% if I say no, that if I do he's not closing the door, but just asks that we can agree that he can have some involvement with our son in whatever way I think is best. He is worried that if I say yes he is going to put us through more hell and that we dont deserve that, but that he cant help the desire to be home.
Says he is doing this for himself with or without being at home, but that he would appreciate trying to be at home. That if I say yes, I also reserve the right to change my mind at anytime and he will peacefully and willingly go and told me what his plan is if that happens in regards to his living arrangements.
Told me his plan for sobriety and recovery. Has made all the appointments himself including one with a family therapist that specialises in alcohol and drug addiction in families. This is pretty big as he was adament he'd never do this.
So....I am inclined to give him a chance. He's asked for me to come back in this weekend to talk to the detox counsellor together so we can come up with a basic contract in regards to my boundaries and what will happen should those be crossed, should he return.
I told him I want some time to think about it all.
I really hope that this is 'it'...but I do feel very detatched, and also quite anxious. I need to examine what this anxiety in my gut is telling me.
Thanks again for listening everyone!
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Seattle suburb
Posts: 88
Wow Jarp - Personally it sure seems that this is about him truly coming to grips with the reality, in every way. If you love him and had a strong relationship before the drinking, it seems worth trying as you said you have never seen this before. I am glad to hear it went how it did. And hope you can sleep a bit more easily tonight, at least with a little sparkle of hope.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I think your doing a great job dealing with all this Jarp. I recall how very hard it is, so many fears and such confusion, but my take is your making very rational decisions, balancing your emotions quite well.
I also agree if you still love him, and feel he is sincere then I would try. When my husband first went into recovery - I had no idea what would happen. I just knew, had a feeling deep inside that I needed to stand by him. My husband came home right after rehab and it worked out good for us. Yes there were ups and downs, and awkward moments -- but I would do it again in a heartbeat. As long as things continue this way, my suggestion is stay positive & do try family therapy; its a great thing when both people are willing to work on the relationship & marriage.
Whatever you decide, I support your choices & will be sending up a prayer and also lots of good wishes to your family tonight.
I also agree if you still love him, and feel he is sincere then I would try. When my husband first went into recovery - I had no idea what would happen. I just knew, had a feeling deep inside that I needed to stand by him. My husband came home right after rehab and it worked out good for us. Yes there were ups and downs, and awkward moments -- but I would do it again in a heartbeat. As long as things continue this way, my suggestion is stay positive & do try family therapy; its a great thing when both people are willing to work on the relationship & marriage.
Whatever you decide, I support your choices & will be sending up a prayer and also lots of good wishes to your family tonight.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
The anxiety in your gut...I think you need to be crystal clear in your own mind as to what action you will take in the event of relapse, and what relapse will look like - he takes a drink, or he skips an appointment, etc?
I do think it is much easier to find clarity and resolve in the hospital or detox. He's living with the consequences of his drinking. At home, he's going to have to be very committed to change. You're going to have to work out how to support that without devoting your life to assessing his progress and monitoring him 24/7. I can imagine you feel anxious and wonder whether you want to sign up for that now that you've experienced the peace of not living with an alcoholic.
I do think it is much easier to find clarity and resolve in the hospital or detox. He's living with the consequences of his drinking. At home, he's going to have to be very committed to change. You're going to have to work out how to support that without devoting your life to assessing his progress and monitoring him 24/7. I can imagine you feel anxious and wonder whether you want to sign up for that now that you've experienced the peace of not living with an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by Santa 
I can imagine you feel anxious and wonder whether you want to sign up for that now that you've experienced the peace of not living with an alcoholic.
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Jarp....because I am rooting so hard for you'all and I know how hard you have wished for this apparent "miracle" to happen....I am going to be very straight forward with you, here, in regards to how I honestly see the situation. (I have worked with alcoholics in both the inpatient and outpatient settings).
I think your gut is giving you signals that you should listen to.
Yes, this very rapid turn-around is hope inspiring....that sobriety and recovery is possible for him, provided that he is in the right environment and that he stays as motivated as he sounds, right now.
Given the history that you have shared with us, everything in me says DO NOT AGREE FOR HIM TO RETURN HOME AT THIS TIME.
Trust me, jarp...I hate to be the buzz-kill on this forum!!!!!!!!
The statistics point to the fact that he will want to drink...and will within a short time of returning home (even with outpatient services). The core of the disease is that, once drinking, the ability to control it is gone.
This is a guy who has never ever attempted to "quit", before. He is a total newbie to this.
At home, there are triggers in every nook and cranny. Plus, there is the complexity of his relationship with you.....which will involve lots of fears and conflicted emotions of the BOTH of you---many of which you are unaware of, right now. Facing these feelings without alcohol is overwhelming and frightening to most all recovering alcoholics for the first year (at the minimum). Thus....strong compulsion to reach for the bottle.
Even in AA---the first thing they advise is to change the playground and change the playmates...because they know how important the living environment is. And, they know the power of relationship stress and expectations is such a frequent reason for relapse.
Right now, he has (by the mercy of God) what sounds like a really good professional team sitting on his head. He sounds, to me, like a pretty smart guy---and, probably picks up pretty quickly what to say and what to do to get approval (and get what he wants).
He may mean what he says about wanting to "lick this", but, remember that he is just like a freshly born foal, right now walking on very spindly and shaky legs. He is not ready to run, yet, by a long shot!
I believe that it is essential, for his and your recovery, for him to live elsewhere for the next year. Now, I know that this sounds shocking to most people reading this. But, I am remembering the words of the addiction doctor who first saw him in the ER. This is a guy who needs a lot of controlled environment while he has a chance for his brain, body, and spirit to heal.
You do not have the ability or the energy to care for him like the seasoned professionals do who will be calling the shots, with him. Their hearts won't break like yours can...because they have the objectivity and detachment on their side.
I suggest that you strongly insist on a stint at a more formal rehab. Then, move from rehab to a sober living house. You all can still visit each other, communicate, etc...
This gives him the space to put his recovery as the n umber one priority in his life.
This didn't even look like a possibility a month ago (or less).
Will you feel guilty....LOL....Of course. You already do! But, jarp...this is standard for co-dependents. This is on your side of the street and for you to deal with....
Co-dependents are very sensitive to the inner feelings of the alcoholic, and.....feel guilty!
Please don't let your (undeserved) guilt be a reason to let him short circuit the best thing that has come your way.
Jarp, having a physical separation, right now is equally important for you. If you want this to work out....you need as much work on yourself as he does. You two are very intertwined in the "dance", so to speak. Probably, more that you are really aware of, at this point.
If you don't trust me....and, there is no reason that you necessarily should....talk to some others who have worked a long time in this field. Talk to some long-recovered alcoholics. Talk to very seasoned people....not just to some people who want to wave the positive thinking banner and make you "feel good".
I am writing all this to give you the benefit of my own experience and knowledge in this area...because I care a great deal.
Jarp, I hope you will, at least, consider these words with an open mind....
sincerely,
dandylion
I think your gut is giving you signals that you should listen to.
Yes, this very rapid turn-around is hope inspiring....that sobriety and recovery is possible for him, provided that he is in the right environment and that he stays as motivated as he sounds, right now.
Given the history that you have shared with us, everything in me says DO NOT AGREE FOR HIM TO RETURN HOME AT THIS TIME.
Trust me, jarp...I hate to be the buzz-kill on this forum!!!!!!!!
The statistics point to the fact that he will want to drink...and will within a short time of returning home (even with outpatient services). The core of the disease is that, once drinking, the ability to control it is gone.
This is a guy who has never ever attempted to "quit", before. He is a total newbie to this.
At home, there are triggers in every nook and cranny. Plus, there is the complexity of his relationship with you.....which will involve lots of fears and conflicted emotions of the BOTH of you---many of which you are unaware of, right now. Facing these feelings without alcohol is overwhelming and frightening to most all recovering alcoholics for the first year (at the minimum). Thus....strong compulsion to reach for the bottle.
Even in AA---the first thing they advise is to change the playground and change the playmates...because they know how important the living environment is. And, they know the power of relationship stress and expectations is such a frequent reason for relapse.
Right now, he has (by the mercy of God) what sounds like a really good professional team sitting on his head. He sounds, to me, like a pretty smart guy---and, probably picks up pretty quickly what to say and what to do to get approval (and get what he wants).
He may mean what he says about wanting to "lick this", but, remember that he is just like a freshly born foal, right now walking on very spindly and shaky legs. He is not ready to run, yet, by a long shot!
I believe that it is essential, for his and your recovery, for him to live elsewhere for the next year. Now, I know that this sounds shocking to most people reading this. But, I am remembering the words of the addiction doctor who first saw him in the ER. This is a guy who needs a lot of controlled environment while he has a chance for his brain, body, and spirit to heal.
You do not have the ability or the energy to care for him like the seasoned professionals do who will be calling the shots, with him. Their hearts won't break like yours can...because they have the objectivity and detachment on their side.
I suggest that you strongly insist on a stint at a more formal rehab. Then, move from rehab to a sober living house. You all can still visit each other, communicate, etc...
This gives him the space to put his recovery as the n umber one priority in his life.
This didn't even look like a possibility a month ago (or less).
Will you feel guilty....LOL....Of course. You already do! But, jarp...this is standard for co-dependents. This is on your side of the street and for you to deal with....
Co-dependents are very sensitive to the inner feelings of the alcoholic, and.....feel guilty!
Please don't let your (undeserved) guilt be a reason to let him short circuit the best thing that has come your way.
Jarp, having a physical separation, right now is equally important for you. If you want this to work out....you need as much work on yourself as he does. You two are very intertwined in the "dance", so to speak. Probably, more that you are really aware of, at this point.
If you don't trust me....and, there is no reason that you necessarily should....talk to some others who have worked a long time in this field. Talk to some long-recovered alcoholics. Talk to very seasoned people....not just to some people who want to wave the positive thinking banner and make you "feel good".
I am writing all this to give you the benefit of my own experience and knowledge in this area...because I care a great deal.
Jarp, I hope you will, at least, consider these words with an open mind....
sincerely,
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
As a former alcoholic I agree with dandelion.
Quitting is hard enough without the pressure and scrutiny of the spouse who
has justifiable reasons to be angry and watchful for relapse.
The resentments don't magically go away because he is trying to be sober.
I suffered terribly quitting and staying at home dealing with all of the pressure from
family and routine and the huge amount of alcohol-created baggage in the relationship.
I wish I had had the option of inpatient treatment or at least being out of the home
situation to focus on me and my recovery.
Given his other issues, I am not sure him being immediately back in the family home
is best for him. It certainly is not best for you or kids. Time to heal and see his
concrete efforts at recovery will due much to ease the tension.
If his recovery is for real, it will happen outside the home as well, and maybe better, than at home.
You can still support him and begin to rebuild trust without him trying
to deal with the very stressful day-to-day pressures he will be under and not able
to drink away.
It's really hard to be a long term addict and quit and keep up your
"regular" life.
That's why so many of us relapse. We want to stop, but the daily
grind is something we have to learn to endure substance-free.
Give him the best chance you possibly can, and in that, you will be giving your family
the best chance as well. Do listen to your gut, not your heart or head.
Reread your old posts again. That was just a few weeks ago.
Actions, not words.
He wants to recover--that doesn't mean he has or is ready to be trusted
around your kids yet.
Quitting is hard enough without the pressure and scrutiny of the spouse who
has justifiable reasons to be angry and watchful for relapse.
The resentments don't magically go away because he is trying to be sober.
I suffered terribly quitting and staying at home dealing with all of the pressure from
family and routine and the huge amount of alcohol-created baggage in the relationship.
I wish I had had the option of inpatient treatment or at least being out of the home
situation to focus on me and my recovery.
Given his other issues, I am not sure him being immediately back in the family home
is best for him. It certainly is not best for you or kids. Time to heal and see his
concrete efforts at recovery will due much to ease the tension.
If his recovery is for real, it will happen outside the home as well, and maybe better, than at home.
You can still support him and begin to rebuild trust without him trying
to deal with the very stressful day-to-day pressures he will be under and not able
to drink away.
It's really hard to be a long term addict and quit and keep up your
"regular" life.
That's why so many of us relapse. We want to stop, but the daily
grind is something we have to learn to endure substance-free.
Give him the best chance you possibly can, and in that, you will be giving your family
the best chance as well. Do listen to your gut, not your heart or head.
Reread your old posts again. That was just a few weeks ago.
Actions, not words.
He wants to recover--that doesn't mean he has or is ready to be trusted
around your kids yet.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 50
I also agree with Hawkeye and Dandylion. Being positive and supportive is great, but you have children to think of as well. Be very careful about putting yourself back in the line of fire. It's such a short time since you posted of everything he was putting you through, the suicide threats, etc., so try to keep that in mind because the desire to return to "normal" will be strong.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I agree that it's a positive step for you all jarp & I'm happy to hear that he has found some humility in detox.
I also understand feeling like you need to give it a shot on some level. For me personally, whenever I felt that way I was able to look back later (through my recovery eyes) & see that those thoughts were often (not always) driven from an emotion like obligation or fear. And I realized that maybe I hadn't been acting out of *my* best interests all the time as much as I thought I had been.
My $.02 is this: I do believe that he MEANS these things. I believe that my RAH meant them when he said them too. What I found though, is that when the conviction is driven by fear (quack) then it's not *quite* the same as when it's coming from a wholly, honest, humble point of wanting to change. And the only way to tell whether it's quacking or truth is to give it time & let his actions catch up with his words. Zero control, grab some popcorn & a seat for the show.
But before this marathon begins, you can make sure you know where all the emergency exits are. Think about what you REALLY want/need right now. (oxygen mask) Think about what is right for your kids, and formulate your next steps around that as a foundation. I can tell you from experience that this is just the very beginning of a long journey. 2 people in early recovery on different ends of the spectrum living in the same house can be it's own brand of fresh hell sometimes, and I mean that sincerely. It's not a dig or judgment because I had as many bad days as RAH even if it was for different reasons; we needed distance a lot of the time.
fwiw - I absolutely agree that your gut instincts are telling you something worth stepping back & examining. Remember, you don't have to decide everything right this minute... baby steps.
I also understand feeling like you need to give it a shot on some level. For me personally, whenever I felt that way I was able to look back later (through my recovery eyes) & see that those thoughts were often (not always) driven from an emotion like obligation or fear. And I realized that maybe I hadn't been acting out of *my* best interests all the time as much as I thought I had been.
My $.02 is this: I do believe that he MEANS these things. I believe that my RAH meant them when he said them too. What I found though, is that when the conviction is driven by fear (quack) then it's not *quite* the same as when it's coming from a wholly, honest, humble point of wanting to change. And the only way to tell whether it's quacking or truth is to give it time & let his actions catch up with his words. Zero control, grab some popcorn & a seat for the show.
But before this marathon begins, you can make sure you know where all the emergency exits are. Think about what you REALLY want/need right now. (oxygen mask) Think about what is right for your kids, and formulate your next steps around that as a foundation. I can tell you from experience that this is just the very beginning of a long journey. 2 people in early recovery on different ends of the spectrum living in the same house can be it's own brand of fresh hell sometimes, and I mean that sincerely. It's not a dig or judgment because I had as many bad days as RAH even if it was for different reasons; we needed distance a lot of the time.
fwiw - I absolutely agree that your gut instincts are telling you something worth stepping back & examining. Remember, you don't have to decide everything right this minute... baby steps.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Humility in detox- great. Humility in 6 mos while he's digging his way thru his recovery with a lot of work to do? Hope so... but should you participate in his risk of relapse by having him in the house?
Maybe he'll rise like a phoenix and <you> can change your mind when he might return... or maybe he'll fall apart in which case having him not in the house will have the obvious & tremendous value.
I'm w/ the other folks wrt actions. And its not like recovery is sweetness and light either... all the crazy that was being anesthetized by booze will out in play... and you have your own recovery to contend with.
Dunno, personally I would try to avoid an immediate return if possible...
Maybe he'll rise like a phoenix and <you> can change your mind when he might return... or maybe he'll fall apart in which case having him not in the house will have the obvious & tremendous value.
I'm w/ the other folks wrt actions. And its not like recovery is sweetness and light either... all the crazy that was being anesthetized by booze will out in play... and you have your own recovery to contend with.
Dunno, personally I would try to avoid an immediate return if possible...
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by jarp
I think you have exactly hit the nail on the head there....and it's making me feel guilty as well.
And I totally agree with Hawkeye about the alcohol-created baggage in the relationship. That is huge and it's a reason why even sobriety won't necessarily save a marriage affected by alcoholism.
One thing that's missing from your post: what does his care team say? You've detailed all about what HE says. What do the professionals say would be the best environment for him to begin his recovery? If they say his best chance is somewhere other than home, I would weigh that about ninety-nine percent vs. what he says he wants right now.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
He can come home when he's worked through rehab, a sober living facility, and demonstrated that he can function with 6 months to a year of sobriety under his belt. Trust me and the others who have btdt. My AM was the model patient all three times through rehab, except for that whole lying in therapy part. But since they couldn't disclose all that to us, we found out through other things that came out during family counseling. And WE were accused of attempting to undermine her recovery when we called her out on it. Anyway, my point is that any reasonably smart person can learn the talk (and A's are very smart when it comes to protecting their habit). Walking the walk was am entirely different story. Off the wagon straight out of rehab because she was dumped back at home and hadn't learned how to deal with the stress. She didn't really *want to*, anyway, cause home meant booze at her fingertips.
I'm not saying this to discourage you. Nobody is. But all the attagirls and positive cheers are hiding a very real possibility of relapse if he comes home before he has learned to cope with everyday life sober. And that takes at least a year.
I'm not saying this to discourage you. Nobody is. But all the attagirls and positive cheers are hiding a very real possibility of relapse if he comes home before he has learned to cope with everyday life sober. And that takes at least a year.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Oh jarp this is SO positive!! It sounds like he truly is commited and to do it FOR HIM! I am SO happy for you and your family! That said... I agree with others that this is only the beginning (GREAT post, Dandylion!). It must hurt like HECK to not just take him back and he truly is trying. But I agree he needs a whole different envioronment during his recovery. And... IT AIN'T GONNA BE PRETTY. He more or less admitted that (saying you could change your mind at any point). I would not put yourself or your kids through the ugliness that lies ahead for him. Trust your gut, jarp. You both can get stronger at the same time. You can still communicate with him. Have visits, etc. But now is the time for you both to commit to your recovery plans before you come back together with brand new outlooks. Thanks for sharing your visit and congratulations on the strong start!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by jarp
He has asked if he can come home, says he understands 100% if I say no,
So....I am inclined to give him a chance. He's asked for me to come back in this weekend to talk to the detox counsellor together so we can come up with a basic contract in regards to my boundaries and what will happen should those be crossed, should he return.
So....I am inclined to give him a chance. He's asked for me to come back in this weekend to talk to the detox counsellor together so we can come up with a basic contract in regards to my boundaries and what will happen should those be crossed, should he return.
Those 90 days will give you and him a chance to see what kind of commitment sobriety actually takes, and whether it is something he is willing and able to accomplish. If he cannot get and stay sober, everything else is moot. Going back to "the scene of the crime" that quickly makes it incredibly easy to slide back into old habits and thought patterns.
The sad truth is the vast majority of people who attempt to get sober do not succeed long term, and many never make it past a few days. If he cannot do this on a temporary basis elsewhere he almost certainly cannot do it at home long term.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Wow, there is some sage wisdom in these responses, jarp. Awesome stuff. That's what I love about SR.
I would only add to remember this statement you made
I really hope that this is 'it'...but I do feel very detatched, and also quite anxious. I need to examine what this anxiety in my gut is telling me.
when you're defining your boundaries.
Your boundaries will be for you, not him, and they are so important to your well being. Give them serious consideration and be prepared to enforce them. I learned the hard way that caving in my codependency (being too nice, too 'understanding', buying into the quacking, trying to accommodate the alcoholic) just hurt my own recovery and didn't help his.
I would only add to remember this statement you made
Originally Posted by jarp
I really hope that this is 'it'...but I do feel very detatched, and also quite anxious. I need to examine what this anxiety in my gut is telling me.
Your boundaries will be for you, not him, and they are so important to your well being. Give them serious consideration and be prepared to enforce them. I learned the hard way that caving in my codependency (being too nice, too 'understanding', buying into the quacking, trying to accommodate the alcoholic) just hurt my own recovery and didn't help his.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by jarp
I was super nervous and very anxious.
He looks like h*ll. But he was sounding better (well clearer and less narcisstic) than I have heard him sound in a long, long time. Ther is still some denial and minimisaiton there...but he does follow it up with "but my life is out of control and at the end of the day it doesnt matter if it was a bottle or a whole barrel of wine)...
He's NOT enjoying detox at all, but I think this is a good thing for him.
He basically said a lot of what Ive already told you that the medical team told me. He is committed to changing his life, has realised he can no longer drink, and is basically terrified to his very core. He feels immense shame over the things he has done and the people he has hurt, specifically the kids and I. He apologised but said he knew those words were probably hollow and that he knew he needed to prove himself first before he even hopes I will forgive him.
He certainly 'said' all the things that I'd want him to say...and I would be completely cycical except for the fact in all the years I have been with him I have never, ever heard him say any of these things. EVER.
He is also terrified if the process of recovery, and is very scared of what a lapse or relapse might mean....and how I will react and handle this. I said its something to talk about in therapy.
He has asked if he can come home, says he understands 100% if I say no, that if I do he's not closing the door, but just asks that we can agree that he can have some involvement with our son in whatever way I think is best. He is worried that if I say yes he is going to put us through more hell and that we dont deserve that, but that he cant help the desire to be home.
Says he is doing this for himself with or without being at home, but that he would appreciate trying to be at home. That if I say yes, I also reserve the right to change my mind at anytime and he will peacefully and willingly go and told me what his plan is if that happens in regards to his living arrangements.
Told me his plan for sobriety and recovery. Has made all the appointments himself including one with a family therapist that specialises in alcohol and drug addiction in families. This is pretty big as he was adament he'd never do this.
So....I am inclined to give him a chance. He's asked for me to come back in this weekend to talk to the detox counsellor together so we can come up with a basic contract in regards to my boundaries and what will happen should those be crossed, should he return.
I told him I want some time to think about it all.
I really hope that this is 'it'...but I do feel very detatched, and also quite anxious. I need to examine what this anxiety in my gut is telling me.
Thanks again for listening everyone!
He looks like h*ll. But he was sounding better (well clearer and less narcisstic) than I have heard him sound in a long, long time. Ther is still some denial and minimisaiton there...but he does follow it up with "but my life is out of control and at the end of the day it doesnt matter if it was a bottle or a whole barrel of wine)...
He's NOT enjoying detox at all, but I think this is a good thing for him.
He basically said a lot of what Ive already told you that the medical team told me. He is committed to changing his life, has realised he can no longer drink, and is basically terrified to his very core. He feels immense shame over the things he has done and the people he has hurt, specifically the kids and I. He apologised but said he knew those words were probably hollow and that he knew he needed to prove himself first before he even hopes I will forgive him.
He certainly 'said' all the things that I'd want him to say...and I would be completely cycical except for the fact in all the years I have been with him I have never, ever heard him say any of these things. EVER.
He is also terrified if the process of recovery, and is very scared of what a lapse or relapse might mean....and how I will react and handle this. I said its something to talk about in therapy.
He has asked if he can come home, says he understands 100% if I say no, that if I do he's not closing the door, but just asks that we can agree that he can have some involvement with our son in whatever way I think is best. He is worried that if I say yes he is going to put us through more hell and that we dont deserve that, but that he cant help the desire to be home.
Says he is doing this for himself with or without being at home, but that he would appreciate trying to be at home. That if I say yes, I also reserve the right to change my mind at anytime and he will peacefully and willingly go and told me what his plan is if that happens in regards to his living arrangements.
Told me his plan for sobriety and recovery. Has made all the appointments himself including one with a family therapist that specialises in alcohol and drug addiction in families. This is pretty big as he was adament he'd never do this.
So....I am inclined to give him a chance. He's asked for me to come back in this weekend to talk to the detox counsellor together so we can come up with a basic contract in regards to my boundaries and what will happen should those be crossed, should he return.
I told him I want some time to think about it all.
I really hope that this is 'it'...but I do feel very detatched, and also quite anxious. I need to examine what this anxiety in my gut is telling me.
Thanks again for listening everyone!
Because everyone is sharing their feelings, I will say I felt like my husband had an illness and the doctors did a good job preparing me for what it would be like when he first came home after rehab, and continued with counseling. I knew it wouldnt be all roses. There were many sleepless nights, anxiety issues to deal with. But its all part of it and I just had to learn to cope and carry on. This was his home too, not just mine. If he was using, crazy unstable then he would have been better off someplace supervised to stay safe, but otherwise this is his home and he has to learn to recover, deal with work, friends, family and all of it, and at his own pace.
My husband came home for a weekend visit from rehab after 30 days and he found some valium like drug he had at the house and he used it. He said his anxiety was so bad and he wanted to relax. I had no idea until he admitted it and rehab. I was so upset jarp, but the doctors took hold of me then and started working with me. They taught me so much. He got past it, finished his treatment and then came home. I had to learn how to deal with all this stuff in order to support him, and keep living.
Use those doctors and let them help you through this. Communicate with your husband and always be honest with your feelings. If you both werent scared and confused right now I dont think it would be normal.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Coming home after detox versus coming home after rehab are two different things. I don't think I could ever have someone live in my home after detox. After rehab, well, not sure about that either. Depends on the progress made.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Originally Posted by Santa
One thing that's missing from your post: what does his care team say? You've detailed all about what HE says. What do the professionals say would be the best environment for him to begin his recovery? If they say his best chance is somewhere other than home, I would weigh that about ninety-nine percent vs. what he says he wants right now.
They emphasised that it's about what I want, but they also said they do believe a family environment would actually be better for him.
He's wait listed for both in and outpatient rehab so he and his psych can work out what's best (next steps not his living arrangements).
Sober living houses don't exist in Australia. 28 day rehabs do. Residential for severe mental health - which alcoholism doesn't qualify.
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