Butterfly

Thank you. I am just so fed up feeling like this fed up with the whole thing being constantly on my mind. I just want a break from life for a while lol

FeelingGreat

Any chance of a long weekend or a short break Confused? I agree, it does get tiring to be upset and angry in turns. And it's not something you can just walk away from. I'm also annoyed with him about not supporting you with the day to day work.

If it means anything, I can see your progress from your first post, even if it's not obvious to you.

Butterfly

Thank you. I am looking at cheap breaks I'm just a bit worried about spending money in case I need it for other things. You know that feeling if I spend this money and my car breaks or something in the house breaks!!

There is no doubt I'm in a better place than where I was 4 months ago and I keep thinking well if I'm feeling like this now where will I be in another 4 months or even next month!!

It is frustrating that he has literally walked out and away from all responsibilities, no offer of help. I found out yesterday that while living at his mums he hasn't been giving her any money and he's been clearing his half of the debt so he is basically debt free now but at no point has he offered to help me out more even though I was off work sick and financially now I'm struggling. The last 4 months he has thought only of himself. He has been on leave this week and he has done his own thing, sleeps when he wants and has taken off to a mates to drink for a couple of days came back to his mums to sleep it off then away again. Again no responsibilities or thought about me or the kids. I realised last that he hasn't once asked how I am or how the kids are!! His life is pretty sweet well apart from being an alcoholic and losing his family but he's living the life of a single person and it doesn't seem to bother him! He keeps saying he's confused about what he wants for his life but yet isn't doing anything to figure it out. He also said that everything he said before he left was true. I know that not to be true or he would be seeking help. Words are easy actions are hard!!

I am relieved that I no longer have to live with the anxiety of his drinking and I can relax. I am going to a friends tonight for dinner and I know that I can go out and enjoy myself without worrying about whether he's drinking at home. That is nice!!!!

jarp

Regardless of the state of a relationship and what circumstances brought about the end of it, we all grieve the end of such a significant portion of our life. The 'real' parts of it and the parts of it that we're more about our hopes and dreams for the future. I also find that I grieve the dream of what I did want, that I never had with AH.

You are not back at square one, I bet! Grieving doesn't happen in a linear fashion....it's a cycle and I find its also 2 steps forward, 1 step back. It's ok to feel sad, it's ok if y can't maintain your anger. It's ok to cry.

I also think constantly of AH...he's always IN my mind. I think part of this is habit...maybe even addiction....and the grieving is a little like what I imagine withdrawal is like. My therapist suggested that I allocate time each day to just sit, and 'be' with my thoughts about AH....and the rest of the time I have to say to myself..."not now Jarp...wait till 8 and you can think of him then". She's also got be practising mindfulness so I can be present in every moment of my life....concentrating and focussing on one thing at a time. It's hard though....he's there in my mind before I am even conscious of it. But I suppose practise might make perfect?

Take care and I hope you enjoy your dinner.

dandylion

Confused...I see you, bit by bit, growing stronger. I see you starting to live again, in spite of the pain that you have been going through.

Seeing your progress and your determination to go on living is, no doubt, an inspiration to others who are reading this forum.

dandylion

P.S. Perhaps you should consider changing your "name" in the near future.....I know you are hurting, still.....but, I don't think that "Confused" describes you any more.....do you?

Hawkeye13

Aren't you entitled to some child support here?

I agree with Dandelion about the name change, by the way.

Butterfly

I know that I am not feeling how I was when he first left and day by day I am feeling stronger and stronger. I keep thinking if this is how I feel today then tomorrow, next month I will feel even stronger!!

I do think about going away for the weekend but then I worry about spending the money as I think what if I go away come home and I could have used that money for something else!!

I have thought about changing my name as I don't feel as confused but how do I do that and everyone know who I am?

FeelingGreat

Hi Confused, I hope he's supporting the children. I'm not sure of the financial arrangements you've made, but it might be worth checking things out. Just because he abandons the family doesn't mean he can completely abandon his responsibilities. 'His' half of the debt doesn't apply in a marriage.

Maybe he thinks you're just like his mother and won't say anything. Hope he's in for a surprise! Enjoy your dinner.

Butterfly

He has told me many times that he misses me but wants to drink when he wants. I don't know if that's his way of saying he would come home if he could drink if he wants. I have never said he can come home and keep drinking I've made it clear he has to be sober.

Hawkeye he does give me money but he says he doesn't have a lot as he has to save for his new place and if he had more he would give me more!! Yeah I know he has money to drink!!

FeelingGreat

You're Butterfly! That gave be a moment of confusion! It reflects your amazing journey so far under very difficult circumstances.

Hawkeye13

You could use the money for something else, or you could choose to honor your own feelings a get away for a few days for a fresh start when you get back.

You know something Butterfly? I am turning fifty in August.
Yesterday, I went online and ordered myself a double bunch lovely eco-friendly flowers to be delivered to my home next week for me by me.

And I agonized for days about spending the forty bucks. On me.
I've never once in my life ordered myself flowers and I love them.
If they are as magical as I think, I'm going to have them delivered once
a month. Yes, the double batch, not the single.

We mentally deprive ourselves of things because, I think at some level,
we don't think we are "worth" splurging on. I make the money in my house
and am responsible for so much, but felt guilty about this treat for me by me.

I realized underneath this is a deeper paradigm of denial and sacrifice which goes
back to my childhood.

Take the dam trip. Eat more champ and less meat for a few weeks later if needed.
Go on your own if possible, and see if grandparents can take the kids for a few days.
Taste some life outside of your responsible fishbowl. It isn't going anywhere.

You deserve it. You deserve it. Did I mention you deserve it?

Butterfly

Yes feeling great I am butterfly had a name change confused doesn't really fit although the last few days it does lol

Hawkeye your right. I am going out on Friday night with the girls the first night I've actually gone out, not just to a friends but out for a meal and a boogie I haven't really felt up to it still not sure but I am going to push through.

Good for you buying yourself flowers I love flowers I think I might go and buy a bunch!!

hopeful4

My friend, you must take time for you! I am so glad you are going with the girls, those nights have a way of making us realize we have better support systems than we think! Have a wonderful time!

I understand about spending money. Look around for fairs and festivals and day things you can do on the cheap. Go to a lake and swim, go somewhere fun for a picnic. Just make sure you have fun and relax!

XXX

NYCDoglvr

I suggest Alanon, which provides enormous emotional support during times like this. As a codependent I had to change and Alanon gave me the tools to move beyond a destructive alcoholic and make better choices in my life.

Butterfly

Hopeful you wouldn't swim in the lakes here it's too cold even if it's a warm day the water is freezing lol. But I know what you mean about making time for myself and doing fun things. I need more fun in my life!!