Butterfly

I guess this has been coming those who know my story will know that initially I completely fell apart and was so distraught that my AH had left. The last few weeks I have been feeling better than I was but today I just feel an overwhelming urge to cry but for some reason I can't it's as though I've cried so much I have no tears left. As the day has progressed I have just been feeling more and more depressed. I came home from work tonight and just feel so lonely. I miss him and today again I don't understand why he would leave if he loved me as much as he said he did. He has told me he is scared to stop drinking and I guess he's more scared to live without drink than me and the kids.

Everyday he is always on my mind even when I wake up in the middle of the night he is who I think about. It's not that I sit and think about what he's doing or if he's thinking about me or anything I think it's more a constant ache and emptiness I feel which I know is because of him and the situation - if that makes any sense, today nothing makes sense and I feel very lost, sad and confused. I feel that I will always feel this way.

It is also frustrating that when he does see the kids usually once a week for an hour or so it's for treats, ice cream, breakfasts and today he took my son quad biking the longest he's spent with him since he walked out. It seems that he gets to do all the fun things while I'm at home cooking dinner, cleaning doing the washing and working full time all the normal things a parent does. I rarely get to spend quality time with them as they are older they have their own lives and when we are at home in the evening they are doing their own things. Think I'm feeling a bit jealous I can't afford to do nice things and feel he spends more quality time with the kids than I do yet I'm here at home with them!!!!

Thank you for reading

Sasha4

I have different circumstances to you however I just wanted you to know I know how you feel. I understand and it is hard.

I have one 4 year old and I work full time.
Her dad and I separated last year and the day after he left he moved in with his girlfriend who has 2 young boys.

He gets to do the fun things too.
He gets pure one on one time with her.
I end up spending the time when she is with him and not here, cleaning, catching up on sleep, not feeling well etc etc.

She loves the fact there are 2 boys there to play with who are a similar age to her. She says its 'boring' at home with just me around and no-one else to play with!!

It breaks my heart as he was against any more children and I never expected things to work out the way they did and she be an only child.

People say to me, when she is older she will realise how much you did for her.
But I am 40, she is 4 andI don't want to wish the years away until she is 15 or 16 and I'm 56 so that she appreciates all I have done and the lack of things her dad has done.
I tried for 5 years to have her, I never expected her to come along and she will always be the most precious thing in the world to me.

I always seem to get lumbered with the hard jobs too.
I chose her school on my own.
I take her to asthma clinic.
I had to arrange after school care.
Of course she is too young to realise.

He does nothing but have fun with her.
We also spend a lot of time alone together as all my friends are still in relationships and have children, so they do family stuff on a weekend. I don't like to intrude on their time together.

Have you thought about keeping a journal to write your feelings down?
It might be a help having somewhere safe to document your ups and downs.

I still have bad days, and they are still an overwhelming surprise for me when they happen.

I just wanted you to know I understand and you have my support and your feelings are valid and similar to mine.

I wish you the best xx

Timeiskey

Confused- I know exactly how you feel. Last night was a very dark and sad time for me. At sat the bottom of my broken heart after a full day of tears running like streams down my face. It is so emotionally draining to be so consumed. I am trying to tell myself that the issue is that he is an addict...but I am still wrapping my mind around what that means.

Chin up Confused. We have to remember our worth. I am sorry that you are in pain right now.

Butterfly

He walked out just before my son had to complete very important exams and it was me that had to enforce the revision time table while he gave him encouragement (his words) on the 15 minute car journey to school. My kids are teenagers so really don't need me as much as little ones sometimes I miss that I don't have little ones as I feel I would be able to do more things with them and they would want to be with their mum, teenagers want to do their own thing and I don't want them to feel that they have to spend time with me cos I'm sad or lonely. I want them to have independence and not worry about me

It is emotionally draining constantly thinking and trying to understand my H is an addict and that means more to him than I did and our kids. I would really love a day even an hour where I'm not thinking about what has happened

Thank you your support is appreciated and I am sorry that you are going through this it is a soul destroying and heart breaking disease

Sasha4

There is also 'Gingerbread' too in the UK which is support for single parents.
They have lots of information on legal stuff, financial stuff and emotional support.
I might have a look into what more they can offer me. How about you?

Sasha4

Thank you, thats nice to hear.

I know what you mean about getting an hour off from thinking about it all.

Do you remember when Worzel Gummidge, the scarecrow was on the television? He had a summer head and a winter head and he could change them over when he wanted. Like a spare head?!
I often wish I could swap heads with someone else for a few hours just to give myself some time off thinking about what I have to think about!!

Joking aside it is exhausting though.
I seem to be really angry most of the time.
I have times when I am sad and tears.
But its mainly anger.

Still wishing you the best and to everyone else going through the same heartbreak too. xxxx

Butterfly

Gingerbread is a brilliant support organisation. They helped me attend college a long time ago.

Yes I would like a worzell gum age head even for an hour of peace and normality, what ever that it!!

I wish I could feel angry but some reason I have short bursts of anger then it goes away and I just feel sad. I have gone back to work which is a good distraction but I am fed up with having to put on a front that everything is ok when inside I'm dying!

lillamy

You know what I remember from my childhood? Not the ONE vacation my parents could afford to take us on. Not the special birthday parties they poured their hearts and souls into. What I remember is having dinner together every night and talking about our day. Waking up after a nightmare and having my dad make me hot chocolate and sit up with me and look through bird books with him. The everyday stuff that they as parents just DID, without really thinking much of it.

When I left my ex, it was similar: He was the fun guy who would take them for ice cream and to events I couldn't afford. They liked it. They also saw through it. And at the end of the day, I'm their safe haven and anchor. He's not. He never was.

Butterfly

Thank you so much lillamy I really needed to hear that!!

Butterfly

So just found out that AH has been on a bender since yesterday after he left my son off. He had asked me to meet him for lunch tomorrow about 2 weeks ago and I had agreed and taken the day off work although after everything that had happened this week I wasn't sure I wanted to go. Yet when I found out he was on a bender and rang his mum today to say he wouldn't be home I knew that lunch tomorrow was off. Despite not really knowing if I wanted to go knowing now that it wouldn't happen has really upset me and again he has let me down. I feel stupid for feeling so upset but knowing he was on a bender has really upset me and I can't stop crying. I know I wasn't sure if I wanted to go but deep down I think I did I want to see him and see if he's ok stupid I know but I worry about him so much and I miss him. I had kind of thought that when he said he was feeling lonely he was changing his mind and was maybe starting to think about how he had really messed up this time and that he might now go and get help again stupid and getting my hopes up only for them to be completely destroyed. My fault I know I shouldn't get my hopes up given history has shown that every time he comes in with a wrecking ball and smashes them to pieces!!!!

I am also annoyed he's off on leave this week and I had thought he would spend more time with the kids or offer to help with dinners as I am working to take the pressure off me a bit but no he sorts himself out and does what he wants, which is why he left. I usually don't get home from work until about 7ish and usually I have work home with me. I just feel that I never get a break and he's swanning about as if he's single and no responsibilities. He's also talking about going away on holiday and I have just heard that he might be going away for a few days and I'm thinking well it's good that you can afford this while we sit round here with no choice of going on holiday. I would love a few days away to get my head showered!!

I keep thinking about a divorce but something stops me from asking for one. I think it's because I hope deep down he will wise up seek help and save our marriage or I think if I divorce him and he seeks sobriety then I will have lost out to a kind and loving man when sober. I love him I have realised that as there have been times when I have doubted it but I do but I am really struggling with letting go despite the books I've read.

Feel like I want to crawl into bed and never get out!!

soberjuly

Wait until she is older. She will get it then. My 2 older kids only have to have fun with dad every other weekend. They dread it. I have to boost him up to them because he is so out of touch with them. Because he never has them FT, they are not his FT priority. He is his FT priority.

So he wants to take them to Single Parents activities, which they hate. That's about Dad right? Then, he is always off about what they like, what they want, what they need. He tends to not realize things and treats them like little kids when one is a teen and the other a tween. He doesn't see their friends, he is out of touch with their age group. He wants to take them to Single Parent camping trips and etc. Or Single Parent BBQs.

They are also aware me and my husband support them fully for classes, camps and etc. Their Dad doesn't pay half for these things. He takes me to court about every 3-4 months trying to pay less child support. He owes us about 10k at the moment, mostly in personal loans that we gave to help get him on his feet and the rest in child support and medical.

BTW, we pay 100% of medical insurance and let him off the hook for half. We just want half of things like orthodontia (which the judge is requiring he pay 1/2 of). We are considering going below guideline support because he just can't seem to get his life together.

It's like he waits until his weekend so he can have pawns to accompany him to single parent events. My husband jokes that he isn't even a single parent, because he really isn't. Single parent implies that you are the custodial parent. Single parent means you are responsible for the day-to-day responsibilities of the children.

He gave me full custody years ago. He actually signed papers giving me full custody.

I try to encourage more custody for him but he takes what doesn't interfere with his social life. I also boost him up to the kids and never bash him.

Bottom line, she doesn't get it now because she's too young. She will get it later because she will see and realize what you for you.

Don't let it get you down!

GracieLou

I know how you feel.

The father of my children was the same way. When we divorced it appeared he got all the fun and I had all the work. I did all the homework sessions, school functions, shopping, broken hearts, skinned knees, driving tests, teenage rages, pep talks, discipline, life lessons etc. The list it endless of the things we do for our children and it remains that way just about forever. We are mothers and that is a selfless job.

He got the midnight pizza parties and movie-athons on his weekends. He got to enjoy the birthday parties that he did not work to plan or pay for. He got all his free time to himself and still complained. He had 5 DUI’s and I had to take them to him and pick them up. I had to move my life around a lot for him because he had jail time so at times there were no weekend visits.

I am still here, he is not.

He died in 2008 from alcoholism. I wish I could bring him back just so he could see his wonderful children. I wish I could take their pain away. They knew he was an alcoholic but hey loved him anyway because children love unconditionally just the way most parents do.

I am also an alcoholic. How I managed to raise such wonderful children I will never know. God was with me the entire time. I am sober now and I have made amends to my children because even though I was there, I was not always emotionally there.

They are grown now and on their own and I love them with all my heart, they are my heart. He didn’t get to see them spread their wings into the world. He didn’t get to text with them today, I did. He does not get to miss them, I do, but at least I still see them several times a year, he does not.

You will not only get the rewards but you will appreciate them. If he does not get sober, he will not. He will never know the feeling of having grown children to watch and interact with as people, not just kids. You will get that!

Hang in there and remember, everything you do for those children today, will come back to you with love and appreciation one day. He may not be able to say the same thing. Not because he does not love or care, but because he is to selfish right now to feel it much less see it.

Everything is going to be okay

Butterfly

I really thought I was over the worse and that I was doing ok the last few weeks now I feel as though I am back to square one. I'm angry with him also but I can't stay angry for long and I don't understand why. I read about other people who have no problem being angry and staying angry so why can't I? he's behaving so selfishly and I struggle to see where the man I love has gone. Was he really able to hide his real self for so long and he just decided he can't anymore or doesn't want to. Oh I don't know I'm back to feeling very confused

Patticakes

Gosh Confused.... I totally get where you are. Sounds like we have had some similar experiences. I had a good amount of time with my AH while he was sober and he IS a wonderful, loving, giving, and caring man when he is sober and working a program. Truly the best! And when he stopped working his program and eventually started drinking again he was such a different person!! So we DO miss that guy we love...we truly do! And we always have a little flicker of hope in our hearts that they will find their way back to sobriety and that "good" man we knew will be reborn!

Time will tell.....time will tell. For myself, I know that I never want to go through the crazy and destructive life I had living with an active alcoholic. NEVER! So, while I have the distance I am watching....really watching. If he goes in and out of benders, there's my sign. If he is not going to meetings, accepting his responsibility and really changing.... there's my sign. So right now time is my friend. I am going to squeeze every precious minute out of time to remember who I am and watch to see who he "really" wants to be.
Hugs and love to you, because you ARE lovable!!

iamthird

I have been where you are confused. I still even feel this from time to time. The reality is that you are stability. You are giving her the anchor she needs to have some self esteem. I cant afford much either these days and its such a slap in face that separated AH can take DD6 out to eat, overcompensate with toys, etc....during the week I go to work early so we go to bed early and she doesnt have a bedtime over at his house.

What keeps me going is realizing that my daughter did not ask to be born. I chose to have a child and I have to live up to the responsibility even if her dad did not keep his end of the bargain. Keep doing things and make good choices and you cannot go wrong!! I pray and rely on my higher power to balance me. Unfortunately in life you dont always get what you give. You have to show her by example and have faith in your moral choices and dont get caught up in comparing yourself to him.

I am far in my recovery. However I have major moments at times! Like today separated AH text me he took her to Starbucks (she likes getting a chocolate milk and lemon bread) before he dropped her off at daycamp today. I thought "i cannot afford starbucks right now!" And it started making me angry inside and resentful...I had to do some self-talk and take the emotion out of it and just realize I was mad because he was doing something healthy with our daughter which she enjoys and was not harmful to her. So many times what I think I am mad about isnt what I am mad about!

Please use this board, go to Alanon...network with people and push through your pain. Yes it sucks and its a constant battle but we are the responsible parents. We dont have a choice...prayers for you and I hope you can find peace soon!! xoxo

53500

Confused, I know how you feel. Separation and divorce can be wrenching even when you know it's for the best. When I separated I cried continually except when I had to put on a front. I woke up and cried, went to bed and cried, I drove to and from work and cried in my car. I sat at my desk and put up a front but every time I went to the bathroom I cried. My kids were 15 and 17. I got therapy which helped. It is difficult for me to think of this time even now, almost 20 years later.

Your tears will stop!! Really. It gets better. The pain fades. Maybe it never entirely goes away but its power fades and you will be happy again, truly happy. Peace to you.

Sasha4

I understand, but I think it is unfair that I have to wait.

Without going into the past too much, he was never enthusiastic about having a child with me. He already had a son from another relationship who is older.

I think why should he get or deserve any of the nice times, when he didn't want to have a baby?
And he says now, he was wrong to think like that. But I also think tough, you can't change your mind now she is here and not apologise and expect life to go on. No way.
He is the biggest reason she will never have a brother or a sister. He is a huge reason why it is doubtful I will never have another baby. I'm too old now. I have been single for nearly a year. I don't go anywhere to meet anyone.
And yet he still expects that I am happy for him to be involved in her parenting?
And that is also when it suits to be an involved parent as he too, like some of the other rotters mentioned on here, is on his 3rd holiday abroad this year. None of those holidays were with his children, or her's for that matter.

Every single year we were together, he made it hard work going on holiday. We either never went or he would moan and groan and we went for no longer than a week. He took no other days off with us either.
Yet with her, he seems to suddenly love going on holiday.

And no-one (his family in particular) seem to be willing to say that his behaviour is not right or questionable in that he has had plenty of expensive holidays but he pays for none of his children to go on holiday or take annual leave with them.

I should stop now, I am aware that this is getting longer and longer. Sadder and sadder and I am still no further forward finding any peace of mind from this.

Wishing you all the best xx

Some of that I have to take responsibility for - I should have left and found someone who wanted children as much as I did.

But how is it fair I have to spend her precious childhood years waiting for her to get older so she can appreciate me and what I did?
I don't want to wait until I am nearly 50 years old.
I want to enjoy every single minute of it from the moment she was born.

unsureoffuture

Confused39, you are grieving and it will come and go in waves. You will feel better and functional one minute and then sad and lonely the next. At least that is how it has been for me. But as time passes the sad moments get fewer and fewer. It will get better.

As far as quality, fun time with your kids, you can do that too. Make a list of all the fun things you can do together. Have the kids help you come up with the list. Then make it a point at least once a week to set aside time to do them. Force yourself to do it even if you dont feel up for it. That is what I did and you know what, once I started I actually enjoyed it and so did the kids.

You say your husband gets all the "fun time" but you know what, you do all the work! When there is a problem you are the first person your kids will turn to because they know you are the strong one, the constant in their life, the one they can depend on. You will be the one they turn to when they need someone.

Hang in there! It will get better. Keep focusing on you and not him. No one person has the power to make us happy or unhappy. We do all of that for ourselves

Butterfly

Thank you just feeling so lost although quite angry today. He had the cheek to ask if I would still go to lunch with him today He said I understand if you don't want to but I will be really disappointed if you don't!! I told him no our plans weren't important to him when he was going to clear off yesterday and now your not you want to pick me up again. I told him I was disappointed that I wasn't his first thought rather his after thought. He said ok and sent a sad face!!!!

Patticakes

I am proud of you that you told him how you feel. I think that is a great step forward! He's oblivious... stick to your guns girl! You will feel a sense of empowerment for taking care of you and speaking your mind!