EmmyG

I'm having a really hard time right now. I just feel overwhelmed with sadness and I feel hopeless.

For the 4th of July separated AH and I decided to take the kids to see the fireworks. His mom came too. It was a great day until he decided to "have a few beers." OMG, it turned into an absolute nightmare. He ended up drinking who knows how much and started acting like an idiot. It was bad. Loud, obnoxious, really embarrassing. I am shocked he didn't get arrested for drunk in public. It was awful. We were walking to our car and he was falling down in the street. He would start yelling at me and his mother whenever he would drop the stuff he was carrying. All of these people were just staring at us in shock. I had to drive us home and I stopped the car twice and told him to shut up or get out.

The next day I got a bunch of messages telling me how sorry he was of course. I called him and basically just screamed at him for five minutes and just unloaded how I felt on him. He is now totally pissed off at me. He said he already apologized and there is nothing more he can do but he doesn't need to "hear anymore of what you have to say." He said he needs to keep more of a distance now because he doesn't need the stress I BRING TO HIS LIFE. I am so angry at him and just in disbelief that he can have the audacity to be angry at me for being angry at what he did, and I want to understand wtf he is thinking. But now he says he wants nothing to do with me because I am crazy. He also says he hates this country and he is only here for the kids.

I am so sad. I miss having a home and an intact family. I don't want to live in this apartment forever. I wanted him to change. He never will. And he makes me feel like crap on top of everything else. It makes me sad that he is miserable here and our kids are going to grow up with a miserable father. He wasn't this way before, so unhappy. He is ruining my life. I feel like I'll never get out from under this cloud of destruction.

EmmyG

How can you give so much to someone and plan a life with them and have their children and they can treat you this way? What did I do to deserve this kind of pain? I have tried to hard and forgiven him so many times and he is still so cruel. And yet I keep expecting different from him. And I still feel this obligation to make him happy or to keep him from falling apart. Even though he doesn't care one bit about my feelings.

lillamy

Emmy, that sounds like a horrible Fourth of July.

Have you considered just NOT giving him the opportunity to act like an ass in front of you and the children? Forget what he says to you (stop talking to him!!!), it's just quackery, and keep working on building a life for you and the kids that will be healthy and happy regardless of what he chooses to do.

It has been said here so many times, and I do believe it's true: It's better to have NO father than an ALCOHOLIC father.

My kids haven't seen their father for over a year. It's taken them that long (and weekly therapy) to get to the point they are now. But the two who have accepted therapy thank me now for forcing it on them, and tell me that they are the happiest they have ever been in their life.

Of course your AH is unhappy. His life is way more complicated now that he doesn't have you to blame for everything and knock around. Leave him in his misery. It's HIS misery, not yours. YOU focus on yourself and your children.

You can do this. The kids will be alright. Because they have YOU.

iamthird

Emmy I urge you to read my thread entitled "holidays are horrid right now"...I was feeling sorry for myself because holiday was coming and it was just me and DD6 and separated AH was partying with his enabling gf he cheated on me with. Then as time went on and the holiday came I was so dreading...my daughter had a blast and that is what matters. It is your job to protect your babies from those kind of moments from here on out. Sometimes I would make the mistake of sharing a meal with separated AH and it may be pleasant and even remnant of the man I married but it never lasts because he is an active A.

Do not let him steal your joy and any more holidays from you. I was so caught up in being alone and having a broken family on the 4th. Truth is my separated AH (and yours) are the ones losing out here. They are missing these special holidays and their childs face because their alcohol comes first. We have to protect out babies when they cannot choose for themselves right now. You don't want them growing up in that anxiousness of what is going to happen, etc...stop focusing on him. Dont allow him to make you sad or ruin your life. Pray for him and love him from a distance all the while putting your kids first. That is the only thing you can do...we as mothers do not have a choice.

You can do this Emmy!!! We all support you and am here for you!

Raider

I am very sorry.

Frankynstein

I feel sorry for what life your going through. I hope you could be more strong for your kids. Its time to make a decision for yourself and for them. You dont deserve to be treated like this. I can feel that you're a loving wife and a mother. Think thoroughly or you live like this for the rest of your life. Its very unhealthy. Your kids might adapt what they see on their environment. Do something.

NWGRITS

Agreed, having no father around is better than having an alcoholic father around. They don't need to be exposed to his drunken behavior. They will think that it's normal, and then where will they be when they choose addict partners? I'm sure you wouldn't wish this life on your kids when they are adults, so don't model it for them. You give him so much of your energy. It's about time he got none of it.

SoaringSpirits

Emmy G,
Al Anon has a slip called DETACHMENT. I got one and hung it in a place where I would see it every day. It has really helped, reading it daily.

I feel for you and your situation with your AH. I was separated from mine for 3 years before divorce. The first year, just numb, hoping he would get his $hit together. But honestly? Now? As sad and guilty as I feel about divorcing him, I'm actually much happier without him. Surprise, surprise.

Your life is yours to live. That's all each of us has in this, really, and it's a good reason to stay in the game. Keep on. Things will look up.

FireSprite

You're halfway there already Emmy, you just have to cut the cord. You can be free anytime you really want to. Until he is actively in recovery for his addiction, this unpredictable, escalating behavior is GOING to continue. Not if. When. So, until he hits a reasonable stretch of sobriety, is actively in some kind of recovery/therapy for it & has proven consistently through his actions that he has changed..... stop riding to events together. Stop engaging. Stop letting him have so much influence on your emotions that you get totally knocked sideways emotionally at every bad decision he makes. Accept that he IS going to make more of those same decisions until something larger in his life changes.

I'm sorry you are hurting, I know EXACTLY how it feels. But you gotta stop opening yourself up for the hurt too, girlfriend. ((((hugs))))

FeelingGreat

Emmy, I'm glad his mother was there and saw him at his worst. It must have been awful for you and the kids. They won't feel good about going out with him again because they'll always be watching to see if he starts drinking. I went through this with my parents and it really contributed to my anxiety levels. Even worse is that he's turning it on you - no doubt through guilt.
It seems he's breaking up the family whether you want it or not. It is sad, but it's not in your hands any more.

Fandy

maybe this was finally the lesson that you needed to learn about him. He is self destructive and embarrassing to be with, and he STILL wants to blame you for his behavior.
He is a capitol Azzhole. He doesn't CARE about you or his kids, unfortunately. He just showed you who he is. You cannot yell at him and change him, you can't be nice and change him, because he doesn't WANT to change, it is everyone else's fault, never his.

you and your kids deserve much better physical and spiritual company. not a giant tantrum throwing fall down drunk who embarrasses them in public to boot. ugh.

Hawkeye13

Go no contact, get a visitation schedule lined up if you have to, and only text if needed about the kids.

He will just keep getting worse.
Please learn the lesson and keep away this time for good.

I was one of those kids embarrassed in public by their drunken parent.
Almost forty years later I can still recall the pain of everyone watching my mom
sway around the buffet tables picking up food with her hands instead of the tongs.
and everyone watching her do it.

Stuff sticks with kids. Please no more ammunition for him

You all deserve a better life, but getting him out of your heart and mind is the first step.

unsureoffuture

Emmy,

I am sorry you had to experience that. How horrible your 4th must have been. However, he showed his true colors and the reality of the situation. What helps me is to look at the facts of the situation. You say you "miss your intact family" but the truth of it is your "intact family" includes that horrid unacceptable behavior of the father. I think what you really miss is the illusion of your "intact family". Your actual family is one with an unpredictable alcoholic as is mine. You, your kids and his mom do not deserve that. You all deserve a loving and giving partner who is able to share equally in holiday celebrations and contribute to the family and not take away from them.

You were absolutely justified in telling him how you feel. If he is mad at you because of it then so be it. You are not responsible for someone else's feelings about you. (It's taken me a long time to learn that because I'm such a people pleaser). He doesnt want to hear what you have to say because that would mean he has to admit his alcoholism is a problem. He will never do that because his first instinct is to protect his addiction. It comes first, not you and the kids. He is in deep denial and wants to remain there.

For me, just focusing on the facts and the reality of my situation helps me to stay grounded. When I start to think about the why me, and the what ifs, it makes me sad. I try to stay focused on the "what is" because that is all I can change. I can't make my husband be the partner/father I want and need him to be. My 4th was spent alone with my kids watching fireworks because my STBXAH decided he would rather stay home and drink than participate in our lives. It was lonely but that is the reality of my situation.

I pray that your sadness is replaced with happiness. Better days are ahead for you.

MissFixit

Oh Emmy,

Didn't your husband put his hands around your throat and threaten you? Isn't that part of the reason you are separated?

If someone put their hands on you and threatened you, why would you choose to hang out with them again? He is your ah, but you are separated b/c of his abuse. He is sick and an abuser and will always return to abuse tactics with you. Maybe he will seek treatment, but it would be far far down the road before you could really trust him again.

It is very sad when we realize the people we love don't love us back in a healthy way. But, you have kids, parents and family who love and support you which is much more than most people.

SparkleKitty

No or limited contact with people is not a punishment. Sometimes it is the only thing that can give us the perspective to make better decisions for our future and the future of those who depend upon us. When you stop trying to take care of him, you will find you have a lot more energy, time and focus to take care of yourself.

I'm sorry this is still going on, Emmy, and that you're hurting. You have it in your power to move to a safer place, when you open your eyes and see that there are more paths in front of you than you have been willing to see.

Chelsea1029

I understand missing the intact family and wanting him to get help. I'm really working on accepting that this isn't happening for me. My life as I knew has completely changed and it does not look like my separated ah will be getting help anytime soon. The reality is rally setting in, the hope of course was always in the back of my mind. I just have to accept that this is our family now. It's so difficult. I also have tried to have time as a family and it almost always backfires. It's a learning process...just keep moving forward. You are so strong. Limit the potential for situations like that if you can.

Recovering2

Of course he has to find a way to make this about you. That is classic A manipulating the situation to take the focus off of himself. So he wants distance from you? He is giving you a gift. Give him the distance he wants! Go No Contact except for any necessary communication about the kids. The more distance you give yourself and the kids from his behavior, the more peace you will find.

jarp

Emmy that sounds awful, I'm so sorry you and your kids had to witness that. Of course you feel sad about not having all those things that most of us hope for when we have kids...an intact family, happy parents and kids, loving, fun times together, support etc. it's hard to let those dreams go.

I don't know about you...but one thing that is helping me at the moment is to REALLY examine my life life my AH, and I'm slowly realising that I don't actually MISS those things because we didn't really have them. And even when we did there was a cloud of anxiety hanging over me about how long it was going to last, would he snap etc. what I am missing is the potential that maybe, one day, those things would matalise with him.

My AH has only been gone a week....and he was basically not home at all for 3 weeks before that. I told the kids he'd moved out on the weekend...and so far the kids are fine. I'm sure we'll have ups and downs, but apart from an initial reaction from my son, alls been quiet on that front. I keep talking with them, they've got questions, but they seem ok. Older girls said...he was angry all the time....he wasn't nice.....they get it. And yet 'staying for the kids' kept me here a long time. The saying 'kids are better with no father than an alcoholic one' is very true.

Look after yourself and your kids. Give yourself some space. And him. He'll do what he's going to do regardless. And in the meantime a bit of space can help clear some of the fog, and give you some breathing time.

Rosiepetal

You could have had a great family time with the fireworks without him.
You can make it on your own.
You are suffering because of what he is doing & it is also not healthy for your children.
Don't look for answers as to why this is happening, instead turn the focus on yourself & your family & take one day at a time towards your own recovery.
You can do this.

changeneeded

Emmy,
I am sorry about your awful 4th. About 8 years ago my AH got the same kind of wasted during the Town celebration. He was wahoopin and hollerin at all the wrong times (no fireworks going off) When it was over we were walking back to the car and he was dropping things swearing up a storm, because it was our fault he couldn't carry them. He even got out of the car to direct traffic because "all the dumb @zzes knew how to drive. It was awful.. so, I completely know how you feel.

It is 8 years later and the kids and I still refuse to go to a 4th celebration with him. Even though he rarely gets that bad anymore-- it's just bad memories. I hate the 4th because of it, I know that probably doesn't make sense.

He ruins a lot of things.

Anyway, my intention is not to steal your thread, it's just to say I get it. In a way.... I am jealous of you that you can afford your own apartment. You are able to have a life outside of him. We have a business that we both work at... if we were to seperate I would need a whole other job. He runs the company.

Stay strong!! you have done one of the most difficult parts, at least I think you have.