OptimisticEx

I never said anyone's choices or beliefs were invalid. I was hoping to find someone with a similar situation willing to share their opinion or experience. What I see mostly in this thread are opinions of those that see this through the lens of black and white and I'm going to follow that advice even though its not necessarily what I want to hear because that is how the legal system will judge me. If I reached out and she wasn't receptive, I would be in trouble which could potentially jeopardize my job, I would incur attorney's fees and possibly be convicted of a misdemeanor crime. However, I think we all know life isn't black and white. So - I would rather hear from those with perhaps a similar experience rather than what the book says crowd. That's going to help me with understanding possibly what happened and maybe why she 180'd over night on her and I being together.

Hawkeye13

Stereotyping a little here?

The issue is about violating a person's boundarys, and that's not gender or marital status specific.

Many people on this list have had to deal with that type of issue / abuse
so we call it as we see it.

You may not think that attempting to continue someone who has asked you to leave them alone as a problem,
and then following up the further rejection of contact by calling the person's sister as a violation of privacy and lack of respect, but it is.

No means no, not maybe or yes.
Leave me alone means just that.

Maybe she just didn't want a relationship with you and it had nothing
to do with drinking.

If you really don't see the problem we are pointing towards here,
you perhaps should put this in front of a therapist and get some feedback.

Peace to you

BlueSkies1

Take the legal system out of it for a minute. Should your behavior toward her be limited by simply what is going to cause you trouble legally, or should you RESPECT HER CHOICE?
Do you need the law to stop you? Why isn't her choice to be done with the relationship enough?
Women don't want men that the only thing stopping them from contacting them after being told more than once NO, to be the law.
They want men that respect their choices in life.
I'm starting to think there is more to this story. I'm sure she has a different tale to tell.

suki44883

You don't have to understand. Many, many relationships end without "closure" on one person's part or the other. This was 3 1/2 months out of how ever many years you've been alive...barely a blip on the radar. Most relationships don't work out anyway. She doesn't owe you any explanation. She doesn't owe you anything. She has made it clear that she does not want to have any contact with you. That's all you need to know.

By the way, closure is something we give ourselves. No one else can give us closure.

OptimisticEx

I'm sure her alcoholism has had no impact on her life... yet she goes to at least three meetings a week. Makes perfect sense. She has had to change her job as well because of the disease. Clearly its a leap for me to believe that it impacted our relationship. Thanks again for the input. I do love the "Peace to You". That's a rich touch.

OptimisticEx

I have respected her choice. She's received no contact from me since she requested it. If you want to say I violated that by contacting her sister to try and understand why she wanted no contact, please go ahead. We'll disagree on that.

jaynie04

Hey, I am a newly sober alcoholic, happily married for over 17 years. I can tell you that the advice you have received on this thread, hard as it may be to hear, is dead on.

You wanted opinions about her behavior, but in all honesty I think you have, perhaps unwittingly, shown your own issues instead.

I know heartache is brutal. I was dumped after a 4 year relationship for a supermodel whose picture was all over Times Square. I had to stand at a bus stop every morning with her standing behind me in underwear on a poster. It sucked, I never thought I would survive, but I did. In retrospect, I never would have ended up with him anyway. But if I had not been willing to move on, I might have missed the opportunity to meet my husband. And if I hadn't married my husband, I have no question that we each would have found someone else to love.

Use this as an opportunity to understand the parts about relationships (in general) that need work on your end. In my opinion, the amount of space we give others is as important as the amount of closeness we hope for. Think about it…the police were contacted because you are not taking no for an answer. Full stop.

Move on. Whether it is alcohol related or not, she has told you what she wants, please listen.

readerbaby71

Whether or not your breakup had anything to do with her alcoholism is irrelevant. Nobody said that it did not impact her life. Of course it did. In what ways it has affected her is none of your business at this point. What do you not get about that? The fact is that it is extremely disrespectful to continue contacting someone when they have asked you not to.

littlesister1

I'm sorry you aren't getting the answer YOU WANT

You are however getting the truth

OptimisticEx

Thanks for your opinion. Lots of angry people in this thread.

BlueSkies1

I think it's best you simply accept at this point that she wants no contact, and move on with your own life.
That may change, or stay permanently like that.
Jousting with people here won't help.
Sometimes we lose in life when we want to win, and we have to accept that. Can you get to that point of acceptance?
Can we help you get to that point of acceptance?

littlesister1

You seem to be angry that we aren't telling you what you want to hear

Look in your own back yard bub

OptimisticEx

No - what I'm getting are a bunch of replies MOSTLY from people that haven't been in a similar situation....and think that' I'm repeatedly contacting my ex. Or brought her wrath upon me for reasons I didn't disclose. Its really been an interesting experience. Much different than what I've received from people that knew us off the internet.

OptimisticEx

You haven't read everything I've written in this thread if that's your reply to me. Peace to you.

honeypig

OptimisticEX--what I'm finding interesting is your inability to just take your marbles and go home, since you're not finding what you want here. I think most healthy folks would simply go, "well, this isn't very helpful" and let it go. Instead, you're attacking those who replied and insisting that YOU are right and SHE and THEY are wrong. Around here, this is called "showing someone who you are."

Was your relationship w/your XGF like this? In her shoes, I think I'd feel as if my needs, wants, personality, boundaries, etc., were all being steamrollered. If someone showed me that they were this person, I'd want out of that situation as well!

Also wanted to mention that A's talk to their sponsors about ANY topic they're struggling with, not only alcohol-related ones, so when she said she needed to talk to her sponsor about you/the relationship, that doesn't necessarily mean alcohol was involved in any way.

BlueSkies1

Because it doesn't matter if she's alcoholic or not. No from a woman means NO.

You can't argue your way in life back to Yes.

cece1960

Enough bickering guys. You've made your point, the OP has made his. Unless you have something productive to add to the discussion, please agree to disagree and move on.

OptimisticEx

If you would like to show me where I insisted I'm right...I would appreciate it. I believe you are interpreting what you think I'm doing.

I've insisted on trying to get opinions from others that have been in a similar situation. I read a thread on here some time ago from someone that had been in a similar relationship except they were female and the takes on the situation went a little bit differently.

I also haven't contacted her since her request ... I said I was considering which is why I've solicited opinions and received judgments.

Thanks.

honeypig

Amen, BlueSkies--NO from ANYONE means NO, and that is the end of it.

Pretty basic stuff there.

FireSprite

For a relationship that lasted slightly longer than a season, why are you so emotionally invested in the reasons why it failed? Why does it have to have a reason at all? People meet, they date, they decide it isn't the right fit for them long-term & they move on. There's no big mystery here.

It sounds to me like maybe if you take a step back from the keyboard, it would be worth examining why you can't handle this kind of rejection. And I'm saying that in all honesty, not as an inflammatory insult. I think that is an idea worthy of introspection... we call it taking our personal inventory.

You come trolling online, looking for answers & immediately start slinging mud the minute the responders talk truths with you. And the hilarious part is that these people have such an immeasurable, collective amount of experience & wisdom about this very topic... so put to rest the question as to whether any of us have walked in your shoes. I assure you, we've beaten our soles clean off those shoes walking this path in one variation of another. In fact, most have endured much more extensive abuse than you can imagine & your comments to the contrary are insulting.

I really agree that it sounds like she is putting her own recovery first as it is vital to her sobriety & quality of life. It doesn't matter why, it just is.