lillamy

One thing we tend to say here a lot is "there's no reasoning with the unreasonable" or "you can't apply rational thinking to people who are irrational." Addiction does make us irrational. As addicts and as the people who love them. That's sort of the dance of addiction. It's not pretty.

Who knows why she 180d. I've had an exBF do that to me. A year later he was married -- not to the GF he claimed not to be over. It stung. I thought at the time that "if he had told me what I did wrong, I could be different."

I sympathize with you wanting an explanation. I sympathize with you wanting to understand. I think anyone in your situation would be scratching their head going "WTF actually happened here?"

I don't think anyone here can give you the answer. And as so many of us have experienced when dealing with alcoholics, sometimes that's the only answer you will get. No answer. May or may not have to do with her alcoholism. Either way, it sucks. It's frustrating. It hurts.

When I can't get an answer from a person -- I like to ask myself what answer I would find acceptable.
Like, if your exGF said "I really didn't want to be with you because [insert something here]" -- what possible reason could she come up with that would make you go "Oh! Lightbulb! Now I get it! Thank you for explaining. Have a good life!"?

I know I got so hung up on getting an explanation that I didn't realize that really, there was no explanation I would find acceptable. All I wanted was for him to change his mind and want me back. I would have done anything for him to take me back at that point. Which, honestly, is not a healthy way to approach a relationship. You don't want to have to change something you are for another person to want to be with you. Even if it's something as simple as giving up your annual St. Paddy's bash with your buddies. There are oodles of women out there who would be fine with that (if that's what her problem was).

I wish I had learned back then that I was lovable and desirable just as I was. That the person who dumped me just didn't want the person I was. It hurt like hell. It stopped hurting. But as long as I kept holding on to the hope of finding the right magical spell, the right words, the right action, the right dress that would bring him back, I couldn't even start grieving over what was gone.

Another thing I feel like we say a lot around here is -- you can't control what another person does. You can only control your reactions to it. If you don't, at some point, your reactions to what happens start hurting you more than the event that you're reacting to. I hope you find a way to get over this and move on. Hard as it is.

hopeful4

I mean no offense here, but I am wondering if she is simply wanting to break it off independent of the alcohol and does not have the gumption to do it so she went this path?

I wanted to break it off once with someone in college and (hanging head) did it quite quickly and left the poor guy really confused. In hindsight it was a bad decision doing it like I did, and really not fair to him. I should have just owned up that I did not have the same feelings and he was smothering me just a month or so into dating.

While you are focusing on her alcoholism it may be that this has nothing to do with that at all and she just did not feel comfortable enough in her own self to tell you.

I just wanted to throw in my input in thinking about this. I don't think anyone here was trying to be disrespectful, they just see this from a different side of the coin.

Good luck to you.

OptimisticEx

Lilamy & Hopeful - thank you for the thoughtful replies.

The reason I think it was more the disease is she was nervous about telling me she was a recovering alcoholic when we met. She can be very sensitive. Up until like a day before she broke it off...she was very affectionate and loving to me. Often being more open about her affection to me than I was to her. Telling me she loved me.. I wasn't as affectionate back because it was only 3 and 1/2 months of serious dating...but we had been dating for 5-6 months. I wanted to be more sure before I told her that I loved her. I think me going out with my friends and having drinks on St. Patty's Day and a night few weeks before fed some of her insecurities that I might be the one to break up with her and I also think it impacted her sobriety or she wanted to drink around me because I noticed she started making sure she didn't miss her meetings. When we first started dating she would skip her meetings at times. All in all - I didn't put those things together until way late after we broke up. I think that's also why as soon as she ended it she essentially cut off contact with me. I think the break up is something she really didn't want to do but based on advice from others and what she felt was best for her. I do think she thought I would be the one to break it off with her. There are other reasons that I won't share...but hindsight is always 20/20. The reason I want to contact her is I really do think those are the reasons and if they are - I want her to know I do care about her immensely and that drinking with my friends every once and while would not impact how I feel about spending time with her and if she didn't want me do those things - I wouldn't. My understanding from talking with her is that being around people drinking wasn't that big of problem...but I don't think that was the truth.

hopeful4

I see. Unfortunately in relationships we don't always get the opportunity to know WHY. For whatever reason she does not want the relationship at this time. Many times I have read the advise to be still, that more will be revealed. It's possible the same will happen in your case, from her end. If not, you may have to accept it for what it is and just move forward.

I hope you don't risk being involved with the police for someone who you were ultimately in a short relationship with, it's definitely not worth that.

Good luck to you!

lillamy

I think if you dig through the back pages of this board, you'll find quite a few posts from people whose SOs have gotten into recovery and then left the relationship they were in. Maybe you'll find some good thoughts there?

I don't know how long she had been sober, but I know two things:

1) addicts are advised to not get into any new relationships within the first year; this is because it tends to mess with their focus on recovery.

2) early recovery is hell, and a full-time job.

I don't know if either of those things matter, but thought I'd mention it.

OptimisticEx

She told me she had been in recovery for three years. She had dated, prior to meeting me, but I was her first serious relationship out of recovery.

ScottFromWI

Below is a link to the Illinois statutes for what constitutes stalking. You haven't been charged yet but your self-admitted actions in your original message ( the pissy text messages to her, her sister, the flowers and cards, etc all add up ). The police would not have contacted you to tell you to cease communications if they did not have just cause to do so. Contacting her again could easily bring official charges against you. You wanted advice - leave her alone and move on.

740*ILCS*21/**Stalking No Contact Order Act.

OptimisticEx

Read it. Thanks. I don't meet the definition..but I appreciate your input. Peace to you.

lillamy

You know, I have heard from recovering alcoholics that dating again seriously is difficult. It may have to do with the fact that while drinking, they were able to "manage" or dull their emotions with alcohol. When you're no longer drinking, as an RA, you have to learn all over again how to "have emotions."

Butterfly

I am sorry for what you are going through but you must accept that you may never have an answer as to why she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. She has made it clear that she does not want any contact so no apologies leave her alone and move on with your life for your own sanity!! Your ex gf needs to focus on her recovery and that must be her focus and priority!!

What makes you think that all the replies have been from ladies or that anyone on this forum is bitter and divorced or that no one here has experience of your actual situation Those comments were very disrespectful. Individuals who are here because they have a husband, wife, sibling, child or someone very close to them, someone they love who are addicts or recovering addicts and many have been through hell and back and back to hell again and have experienced years of living/married to an addict and still don't have all the answers.

You may never get the answers you need or want to move on but you do have to accept that sometimes there isn't a reason or an answer.

Focus on you

greeteachday

I think the OP has received the message and there's not much else to say and now people are getting triggered. How about we move on and greet some new folks seeking some experience and light?