OptimisticEx

Okay - I'm going to tell the story and then solicit input on if I can do anything within reason to get my ex girlfriend back. I have to think that how this played out has something to do with her issues as a recovering alcoholic.

Met her in November. We dated heavily for 3 1/2 months. Things were going really well. She was potentially someone that I would consider being with long-term. In retrospect - I'm fairly certain I loved her. We were planning on going on a trip with her parents in July of this year. But I could tell planning this trip was very stressful for her. Also - I drink and went out on St. Patty's Day and stayed out late with my friends. She didn't say anything, but I'm fairly certain this bothered her as the next day she seemed irritated. That Tuesday - March 18 - Out of the blue the day after St. Patty's Day she broke it off with me. Mind you on Friday and Saturday we planning the trip to Spain. She didn't really give me any reason other than to say that she wasn't sure about me and she thought after this amount a time she should be sure about me. I told her that you're never going to be 100% sure and that even people that are married aren't sure. There is not going to be a ray of light come down from above and say that I'm the one for you. I could tell she wasn't sure ... so I asked her to think about it. That's when she said she needed space which I really didn't understand as her and I had been really close and talked every day for 3 1/2 months. I left on a trip for a week to Jakarta - over which time was her birthday. I sent her flowers on her birthday and she didn't respond quite the way she normally would when I sent her flowers. I got a little pissy with her about that via a text and that was essentially the end of the relationship. I tried to get her to talk with me at various times when I returned. To be specific - I tried to reach out to three times. 2x with flowers and I also sent her an Easter Card. She ended up telling me to never contact her again and if I did that she would call the cops. I sent an email to her sister after that text she sent and essentially asked what was going on. The next day I received a phone call from the police saying not to contact her again.

She is a recovering alcoholic of three years. Her mother is also an alcoholic. Up until we broke up, we never really fought or anything like that, but she was very sensitive like if she asked if I thought she had gained weight - my response would be that I thought she looked great, but that we should work out to make sure we stay in good shape...she would get upset insinuating that I called her fat. She definitely would get upset over minor things. When we were dating I did notice at times that she could fly off the handle about minor things such as the Cable guy not showing up at the appropriate time. When things like that would happen she would call the cable company repeatedly to get them to perform. I thought that behavior was a little odd.

I think in regard to her and I breaking up stemmed from her thinking perhaps I drank too much for her and that coupled with the stress of the Spain trip was too much for her. That's just a guess. She told me once during a conversation with her when we were breaking up that she spoke to her sponsor about me and I wasn't sure why she would need to speak to her sponsor about me unless something about our breaking up was alcohol related. She also asked for no contact which I thought was odd because she was like my best friend and I thought I was one of hers especially if her reason for breaking up was that she just wasn't sure. I think there was much more going on and for whatever reason she just didn't want to share.

Anyway - I would like to reach out to her with a card and apologize for anything I said or did that annoyed or hurt her feelings. Its been two months and while I would like her back, I think the first step is for me to apologize. Second - I do want to talk with her because I didn't understand her disease when we were dating and now I've read quite a bit more and would do things differently....especially on St. Patty's Day. I also don't want any trouble with the law and to respect her wishes.

So I'm seeking comments / advice / thoughts on how I should proceed and if you think she may come out of this. I miss her a lot...she was my best friend for 3 1/2 months and I think we would be great together if she would give us another chance. Sorry for rambling...but its difficult to tell this story in a concise manner.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. It's really hard to understand what is going on in the mind of an addict. However, the reasons don't really matter. She has made it very very clear that she does not want contact with you. Leave her alone before she has you arrested.

I know you won't want to hear this, but 3.5 months is not a very long time. Life with an addict is a very very hard one. You sound like a kind person. Put your effort into finding someone who is stable without addiction and feels the same way about you as you do them.

Moving on is hard to do, but it gets easier with time and acceptance.

Good luck!

lillamy

Hi there,

You know... I think you're in the right place in a way, because your thinking and behaviors feel kind of familiar to me, as the ex-wife of an alcoholic.

Here's what I see, in shorthand: You dated. She broke up with you. You wouldn't accept that she had broken up with you but kept contacting her. After she tells you not to contact her or she'll call the cops -- you still try to get in touch with her through her sister. Why? She has already told you she's done, you're over, she doesn't want a relationship with you anymore.

It's a common theme among codependents to not believe what is very well demonstrated to us. I spent 20 years thinking I could change my ex into the person I wanted him to be. It didn't work so well. Actually, it didn't work at all.

It seems to me you're trying to do something similar: You're trying to convince your ex that she was wrong to break up with you and that you will prove that to her if she gets back together with you.

I know it's not what you want to hear -- but I think believing her when she said she wanted to break up with you, and moving on with your life would be a wise course of action here. Given that you've already gotten a call from the police regarding contacting her, I would say you're getting dangerously close to stalking territory if you're still contemplating contacting her again.

I can also tell her that when you've made it clear to someone that you don't want them to contact you, any form of contact is a violation. Flowers, presents, chocolate -- doesn't matter.

SparkleKitty

This would be a good question to post on the alcoholic's side of the forum, as well, but here's my thoughts:

Recovering alcoholics will spend the rest of their lives actively protecting their sobriety. It may be that your drinking did bother her enough that she felt she couldn't be with you and while that is something that you could change, there are a lot of other red flags in your description of your relationship and your behavior. Getting pissy when she doesn't respond the way you want her to, getting very deeply involved very quickly, etc.

But the bottom line is that she has made it extraordinarily clear that she is done with this relationship, and while that is confusing for you, she has every right to end any relationship she wishes, at any time, for any reason. It doesn't have to have anything to do with being a recovering alcoholic, and if you continue to pursue her with no encouragement, you behavior will be considered stalking.

Please consider using this experience as a learning opportunity and not a romantic challenge. She has asked for no contact. Can you respect her enough to give that to her and move on?

suki44883

If you truly want to respect her wishes, then back off and leave her alone. She's been pretty clear and when you hear "If you contact me again I'll call the cops," that pretty much says it all. When you actually GET a call from the police telling you to stop contacting her, you're risking being arrested for harassment. Not sure what else needs to happen before you realize she doesn't want to see or hear from you.

biminiblue

You sound very similar to an alcoholic in your thinking.

She probably recognized that in that three months, and decided to cut her losses.

I would have done the same.

Let it go, and since it seems you can't, I would strongly suggest inner work on why you feel this compulsion to try to continue a relationship that is over.

OptimisticEx

Thanks for your comments. This is what I was looking for. I did post on the recovering alcoholic side. I just want to do the right thing and certainly don't want any trouble with the law. I have to protect me first.

I disagree that reaching out to her sister was out of line. Trying to understand what's going on with someone that clearly has needed help in the past, I don't think was a bad move. I guess it could be construed as selfish, but I really care about this women and know she at times says and does things that are over the top because she has panic / anxiety. I had no idea that flowers would do that to her...usually they made her quite happy. The phone call to police for flowers is not normal relationship behavior. I reached out to her sister also before I read that recovering alcoholics often suffer from other disorders. If I would have known that - I would have done a lot of things differently with her and likely understood her better.

Thanks again for the comments. Clearly I can't do anything other than see if she ever decides to reach out to me. Your comments have made that abundantly clear.

OptimisticEx

Really - how do I sound like an alcoholic. Do tell? Not argumentative...just curious.

Florence

The cops told you never to contact her again.

Never has a pretty specific meaning. It means the door is closed. She isn't interested. Doesn't want to talk to you, hear from you, get cards from you, or get gifts from you.

Why do you see a green light there to contact her again?

Never. Contact. Her. Again.

Essentially she asked you to leave her alone and you've repeatedly pestered her and walked all over her boundaries, and after having the cops draw the line for you, you're still wondering how to contact her. You want her back and now you're plotting how to do it? Ha! That's literally nuts. Bad idea. Nope. No. There's really nothing to argue with or ponder about her behavior. Alcoholic or not, she's been dead clear with you.

Never. Contact. Her. Again.

The next step is not apologies and reconciliation, it's a restraining order.

The problem in this situation at this time is you. Call a counselor to find out why other people's boundaries are so unimportant to you, and leave her alone.

OptimisticEx

Wow Florence - given your quote I'll assume you're a little angry..but thanks for your input.

BlueSkies1

Well you've been given some tough replies. However there's another way of looking at this, which is, Why oh why do you want to contact someone (or be with them?) that is so very extreme, confusing, and reactive--like calling the cops over flowers?
Why do you even want her? Don't you want a laid back person who is grounded and will talk to you openly when something is bothering them about you?
I would have run FROM HER, not TO HER.

I know a recovering alcoholic that is one of the most uptight people I have ever met. She reads into all kinds of things judging with extreme. This isn't necessarily an alcoholic trait, but I do know someone like that, and they are wound far too tight for me to have a friendship with. For sure that is part of who I am-- I don't care for those wound too tightly in general, but I don't understand chasing someone who has snubbed you. If somebody snubs me--I'm done with them too.

readerbaby71

Your relationship was over and she asked you not to contact her again. At this point you were not together, so whether her behavior was "normal" or not is irrelevant.

I am not trying to be harsh, but you continuing to contact her is very disrespectful. It's time to move on.

OptimisticEx

I wonder how many people clobbering me in these posts have ever been or are in a relationship? Just curious - as usually there are misunderstandings, etc.

Again - I appreciate the feedback. In my opinion the calling the cops over flowers is likely her not wanting to have a conversation with me about the real reason she felt we needed to break up. I do agree that at this point, my idea of apologizing and trying to reconcile can't happen. So - I guess this thread has accomplished what I was seeking. Good feedback.

Florence

No means no. I'm not trying to be harsh, but you clearly haven't gotten the message!

"Don't contact me ever again" means that you should literally never, never-ever contact her again.

In your first post above, she tried to break up with you and you continued to send gifts and get crappy with her when they weren't welcome. I think the narrative here is that when she said No and Don't, you saw that as an opportunity for negotiation, when it clearly was not. Today, you're still negotiating with "Never contact me again" to make it okay for you to send gifts and contact her freely.

Ha! Yes, I've been in quite a few relationships as have the other folks here. I'm sorry this is confusing for you, however, boundaries are an important lesson to learn IN AND AROUND RELATIONSHIPS. You don't need to whip out a translator, a rhyming dictionary, a compass, and a DSM-IV to figure her out -- she's telling you exactly what you need to know, i.e. leave her alone.

Anything else on your part at this point in your relationship with her -- two months broken up with the cops telling you to stay away -- is extraordinarily unhealthy behavior.

OptimisticEx

Question for you... are you female and divorced? You sound a little bitter. I don't think its confusing or a leap to think alcoholism played a significant part in what has happened between me and my ex. In fact from what I've read - her behavior is text book for recovering alcoholics as they tend to have other associated personality disorders. Having other personality disorders runs higher in female recovering alcoholics than men. Anyway - I'm posting here to learn more from people that have had experience with this so I can do the right thing. I think your criticism is a little over the top.

BlueSkies1

I think we can get into trouble diagnosing people. I know we all can fall into that trap, and we do so often here on this forum. But she knows what her reasons were, whether they would be rational to others or not. She does have the right to cut off a relationship, right?

You seem to think that by diagnosing her, (or diagnosing Florence, geesh!) that you can discount other people's beliefs and choices as invalid. Maybe that's where your trouble with letting this one go lies.

readerbaby71

Your ex told you to leave her alone. You obviously don't respect people's boundaries and feel the need to shift blame from yourself to others. For example, asking Florence if she's divorced and "bitter". It couldn't possibly be that she is telling you like it is, could it? You're out of line. You asked for opinions and you got them. You have no right to attack anyone personally here. Look in the mirror if you want to see why your ex broke up with you. You are very controlling and won't take no for an answer. Is that clear enough for you? Being an alcoholic does not make your ex defective. Maybe it's her RECOVERY that made her see you were not healthy for her, not the alcoholism.

AnvilheadII

the right thing to do is NEVER CONTACT HER AGAIN. she's already called the cops on you. HELLO? what aren't YOU getting? you can seek out all the reasons to blame here....she's sick, alcoholic, possibly has some disorder....but the bottom line is, again, she said to NEVER contact her again. not with cards, flowers, emails to her sister, or leaving notes under her windshield wiper.

it's OVER. this was not a misunderstanding....it was a clear statement about her boundaries, which you seem to have no respect for. now you think you "want her back" - but she doesn't want you back.

you already know what the RIGHT thing is to do...you're trying to find the loophole.

lillamy

Except she did tell you she didn't want you to contact her. And yet, you did.

This is why I said I can recognize some of your thinking from myself, and as maybe codependent? When I was married to an A, I would often feel like regardless of what he said or did, he needed me, and I knew better than he did what he needed.

Like you, I wanted to be there. I wanted to help. I just wanted the person I loved to be OK. And I thought I knew how to make that happen. I thought I had that power.

Over time, I came to the understanding that regardless of whether I was right or not, my husband had the absolute right to live his life the way he saw fit. For him, that included getting drunk every night. For your exGF, it includes living a life without you in it. As hard as it is to accept, we can't make those life decisions for other adults.

When dealing with addicts, I often feel like the advice we're given is counter-intuitive -- how do you help someone by not helping? How can it be helpful to not intervene? Except it is. And even when it doesn't have the effect we would like -- we don't have the right to make decisions for other people unless we have a court order appointing us guardians over them.

I hear that you have a hard time letting her go. And for codependents, that can be as hard as it is for an alcoholic to stop drinking.

She has broken up with you and moved on. You haven't let go of the relationship. You say:

I would agree with you -- if you were still in a relationship. But you weren't. Now, we can argue whether it's normal behavior to call the cops when an ex sends you flowers (I guess that would depend on what else was going on in the relationship while it was going on) -- but at the end of the day, that doesn't really matter.

What matters is that you are hurting over a breakup, and instead of taking care of yourself and your broken heart, you're focusing on fixing her. That, my friend, sounds a whole lot like something a codependent like me would have done a few years back...

Harsh as it may sound, the advice you're getting here -- let her go, take care of yourself -- is healthy advice. You can't change what this girl is going to want. Instead of convincing her she needs to want you -- go climb a mountain, go for a swim, find a girl who does want you, without you having to work so hard at it. And do take care of yourself. They say love is blind -- broken hearts can make us even more so.

Florence

When someone is telling you in no uncertain terms to leave them alone, you should do so. To me, your behavior -- compounded with your "divorced bitter female" narrative -- is a HUGE red flag. It really doesn't matter if she's an alcoholic (in recovery for three years!) or not. She doesn't want to negotiate with you. No is no is no is no.

Sometimes relationships just don't work out, and you have to move on. It's unpleasant, but it doesn't make everyone else mentally ill or bitter or broken. It just means the relationship didn't work out.

This will be my last response on this thread. Peace to you.