Blossom717

I noticed something this weekend.

Part of being a codie is making other people's business your business. Their problems, yours. Or in this case, projects.

I helped my neighbor clean and bring over a huge, 5 piece propane grill from our house to hers for her husband's father's day present. (the grill was ABF's, its a nice stainless steel one but its too much work for him to keep up with it...so he gave it to her)

So it took a few days to clean because its sat outside for a few years unused. I didn't mind helping. It was nice of ABF to give it to her. (mostly he just didn't want the hassle of getting rid of it himself)it worked out and we set it up at her house. He woke up in enough time to help us connect the hoses and stuff but that's it. Long story short, she posted a picture of the grill on facebook, thanks ABF for the help but not me. It kinda hurt, because I put in a lot of effort and time too.

The same thing happened when it came to making a collage for ABF's dad. SIL was supposed to help but she didn't even send me pictures until the day before, and then instead of saying thank you for doing it all, she just told me how much she hates the picture of her that I used.

I hate being a codie! I've gotten better with my codie ways with ABF, not perfect, but I realized this weekend that I need to work on them with other people too. I feel like I let people take advantage of me at work, in friendships, and in other relationships. Which in turn of course, makes me resentful and angry while still letting them walk all over me.

Today I am going to start working on saying no to everyone, not just ABF

SparkleKitty

No is the most powerful word in my language. And it took me 35 years to figure it out!

lillamy

Yep. It took me a long time to learn to say no. I still feel like I let people take advantage of me because I shy away from conflict. Working on that.

Sungrl

I agree it does suck to not be acknowledged for something you put time and effort into. Just know that in your heart and head you did do it and that is enough. You helped because you are a nice kind hearted person who helped make someone's day special. That's why you did it anyway right? Just because she did not publicly let it be known doesn't take anything away from you. I don't do facebook, and the more I read about it on here I am damn glad. It seems to mess with people big time. Who really needs that??

hopeful4

Try to remember, NO, is a complete sentence. I have always had this same problem. Now I realize that is codependency and it is my issue.

My leg is broken right now. It just kills me to ask others for help, even though they will help me no matter what. It's really silly and it hurts no one but me.

Codependent behavior is up to us to change, and it is possible to change it.

Good luck and God Bless!

searching peace

I didn't realize having trouble asking for and accepting help is a Codie trait also. Well that explains that part of my personality. I thought it was just pride. Ugh! Now I know better.

applecake

Thank you for your post, Blossom. I also have a strong codie streak in me and frequently find that I've given much more than was asked or appreciated. I wonder if the problem is less with the word NO and more with our needs in giving?

One of the things that has made a huge difference in my happiness and my relationships with others has been taking a moment to consider my motives in giving. What is it that I hope to achieve through my time and energy? Am I giving freely, or do I expect something in return?

It sure is nice when our contributions are acknowledged, but I've also come to realize that if I give expecting anything special in response, it isn't a gift anymore. It's a transaction. I give, therefore they owe me a thank you. And the problem with those forced thank yous is that they tend to be given begrudgingly. Who wants one of those?

I'm still learning through trial and error, but I'm trying not to give now if I can't give freely. This approach seems to have cut down on quite a bit of my unwanted giving (meddling). If I give freely and receive an unwelcome response, I just file that information away for the next time. You didn't like the collage I put together for your dad? Sorry about that...your brother and I will do our own thing next time.

One of the surprising side effects of this approach is that I'm now a much better receiver of gifts than ever before. If I give without expecting something in return, it is easier for me to see the gifts of others as sincere rather than forced. Sincere gifts are much sweeter than reciprocal gifts. My expectations are lower and it feels good just to be remembered. People seem to be enjoying my gifts a little more, too.

hopeful4

I just know that for myself, and most of my codie friends, the two go hand in hand. I am so busy helping everyone else and trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I am this independent person that I refuse help when I really could use it. I don't know if that part is codie, but I tend to think they go together for many people.

I am learning. It's a slow process and I do still want to help others and pay it forward, I just want to do it when it's genuine, not because I am trying to earn a pat on the head so to speak from someone else. I want to be true to myself and examine my motives as to why I do some of the things I do. Part of that was learning to say NO just because I don't want to. I found myself so frazzled in the past b/c I was running from one even to the next, never telling anyone NO because I wanted to be someone that could be depended on.

Come to find out, I am still a person that can be depended on, but I no longer say yes to every single thing. I was robbing myself and my family of quality time together b/c I was working so hard to make someone else happy. It was silly.

Blossom717

It wasn't so much of me getting any credit publicly, it was just I was raised to say thank you after anything that was done nicely, no matter how large or small. And with my neighbor part of it was she knows my ABF had his own reasons for giving the grill to her (he didn't want to clean it up to sell) yet he was still acknowledged. It didn't really bother me until he was acknowledged, and I realized that I wasn't , never am, and never will be.

Also, I've come to realize saying thank you isn't in everyone's vocabulary. I don't expect it that often. Or think that I deserve it that often - is a better way to put it. I think more of it was resentment for my ABF than anything.

hopeful4

I agree with you. I too was raised to always be appreciative and say Thank You. In that case I would say it was in poor manners not to thank you for your work also.