searching peace

Have no where else to turn and needed to get input. I filed for divorce today. I didn't want to but the lawyer said it was going to go there anyway. I am devastated. I still love my husband. I never stopped. I just want him to get help with the abuse and stop drinking. He promised me he would get help but he didn't. He promised lots of things that never came true. And I cannot have contact with him or talk to him because of the PFA order. I don't want him to think I gave up. I will never give up on him or our marriage. I love him with all of my heart. But, the attorney said I needed to file for divorce. I am dying inside.
I want to call him but I can't. I am so confused and sad and I just want my husband back. The one I knew growing up. I have loved this person since I was a little girl. I have never gone without talking to him. Does anyone have thoughts if I can call his spinster and see if he is ok?

Seren

Hello searching peace,

I'm sorry that you don't actually have any tonight. I know you want your husband back, the one you knew growing up....but he is gone.

Will he ever recover? We can't answer that for you.
But you can.
You can be real and present parent for your children.
You can be happy again.

I'm sorry for your pain...I know it feels overwhelming and boundless and endless like there is no way out and it will never end.

But it does end, and each day will be a little brighter.

How is your daughter? Do you have other children?

Praying for brighter, peaceful days ahead for you and your daughter.

Readreadread

I am sorry, I had to do the same thing. A good soul atty told me once, the law can't make someone better. I have tried it, 2 years later, 50k later, he is still not better, but my daughter has been safe. It is so painful to lose someone you love to this disease. I am so sorry for your loss. The pain is still there, but not as intense. My husband is choosing not to be sober and I have finally accepted it. It is his life to live.

searching peace

Thank you seren! I have three children. My daughter that is about to leave for college and then twins that are 13 (14 in July). I haven't seen them much lately because I began working two days ago and I have been so busy trying to talk to attorney's and counselors and trying to find alternate housing etc.

I feel this all has snowballed and it is so much bigger than I am. I was afraid the night my husband was arrested. And I have been afraid and hurt many times before and never called the police. I just wish I could calmly talk to my husband to let him know he is going to be served and let him know it's not what I want but unless he changes and gets help, I have to move forward. I feel like I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I want him to be well and healthy and I know he is so angry with me about all of this. His family has been horrible to me since his arrest and they knew of the abuse.

I hate the man he became but maybe this has jolted him to change.

Thank you for your kind words and for allowing me to vent. I just needed to have some input. I have been writing in my journal. But tonight it hasn't helped.

AnvilheadII

I have loved this person since I was a little girl.

that was a LONG time ago, peace....things change and people with them.

searching peace

Readreadread, thank you! And I'm so sorry for your pain and loss. A friend of mine, her husband died last week in an accident. All of these people surrounded her with love and support for her loss. I realized what I was going through was similar to a death. Of course I did not share my thought with my friend.

I hate this disease. I hate that my husband grew up with abuse and that is all he knows. And I hate that I have lost him. I wish he knew how much I miss him and how much I love him.

Did your husband know what he lost by choosing to keep drinking?

searching peace

Anvilhead, thanks for making me laugh (although not your intention) but you said I was a little girl A LONG time ago. And emphasized how long ago it was.
It made me smile. Thank you. And you are right on all accounts. But it doesn't make this easier. I have loved this man since I met him 42 years ago. We had been apart for a few years and this was supposed to be our chance at happiness with each other. I messed it up when he was arrested. I never should have let them do that. I want this all to go away. I want my husband back. I don't care about how mean he was to me, right now. I just want to know he is ok. And I have no way of knowing that.

LoveMeNow

FEAR brings out the worst in me. My logic flies right out the window. I have felt like you have, but it wasn't love.....it was just my fear.

searching peace

Fear of what?

suki44883

Really don't mean to sound harsh, but those are the words of someone who has been conditioned to accept whatever is handed out. Cruelty, crumbs of affection, more cruelty, tidbits of affection, more cruelty, emotional abuse, physical abuse, whatever he doled out.

You do not deserve that. No one deserves to be so afraid of their spouse that they feel the need to call the police. You did the right thing at that moment. You may have saved your own life. Please don't ever consider going back to that. You deserve better.

LoveMeNow

Fear of unknown, fear of being alone, fear of abandonment, fear of financial security.....Fear is very powerful.

searching peace

Suki, I would say exactly what you said if I read someone else saying what I am. But in the middle of all of this, it is so hard to get a healthy perspective. The most difficult is this no contact order. I just want to talk to him. And his family seems really angry with me. I sent a very heartfelt message to his sister when all of this happened . And she never responded. And his mom left me a message on my machine and it came across as harsh to me. I feel like he has said horrible things about me and made up lies and so everyone hates me and thinks I had him arrested and he didn't do anything. And I don't care what other people think. But I want them to know I did what I thought I had to. And I love my AH with every part of me. I have loved this man unconditionally for 42 years. I cannot just turn that off because of the way he treats me. I guess that is my code? I don't know. All I do know is I miss him.

searching peace

I can see that. And yes I was and still am afraid of the financial situation I am in for my kids and for me. But what I am feeling now is not that. I think I just feel I need to know if he cares at all, is ok, will change, and want him to know that I will always be here if he does change.

LoveMeNow

If this is true, I would start changing my thinking about what healthy love really means. Love doesn't hurt, emotionally, spiritually or physically.

LoveMeNow

Have you considered.....that he is your addiction?? Withdrawals from our love addictions can be very difficult and confusing.

searching peace

Yes that has crossed my mind. I don't think any one is all bad or all good. And because we have been a part for longer than any other time because of the PFA. I am sure I am Turing him into what I wished he was. I just don't know. I probably am addicted to him. I have been my entire life.

AG2013

Try to never make decisions in life based on fear. Step back and look at the reality that is going on in your life right now. What would your advice be for a good friend who is going through what you are going through?

suki44883

That is exactly why the no contact order is your friend. It will allow you time away from the middle of this and give you the opportunity to get a healthy perspective. If you can be honest with yourself and stop romaticizing the situation, you'll see that you deserve better than what he has been dishing out to you.

FeelingGreat

I'm so sorry for your pain SP. As you say, it's hard to get a healthy perspective right now, but it will come in time.
I know you are dying to justify yourself and explain to him and his family. He grew up in an abusive household, and to them abuse is nothing out of the ordinary. You don't call the cops just because you're being abused, and that's how it's passed on from generation to generation. Time and closer contact with your AH might make them realise what you had to put up with, or it may not, but you did what you had to do.
Your husband, like many alcoholics and abusers won't stop through soft words and professions of love. Someone had to be strong, and it had to be you. You've done an amazing thing to take your family out of this.
Give it time to see your marriage from a small distance and you might find yourself getting angry.
Can I suggest you read as much as you can on domestic abuse and educate yourself?

AnvilheadII

I cannot just turn that off because of the way he treats me.

then honey, said straight up, YOU got ISSUES. if someone, ANYONE, abuses us, violates us, demeans or belittles us, hurts us with intent and no remorse...

THEY ARE NOT WORTHY OF OUR LOVE.

love does not HURT, it does not include abuse. EVER. if they don't treat you with the decency of the kid that bags your groceries. they are not worthy.

you are a goddess. resplendent and beautiful. he should be on his knees every DAY giving thanks for having you in his life. you should be treated with honor and respect, admiration and awe, and the time and attention that lets you know YOU are the most important person in THEIR life.