Filed for divorce
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 120
My husband knows he lost me and our daughter, but in his world I abandoned him and in my world he abandoned me. I needed him to try to be in recovery in order for us to stay. This did not happen so we had to leave. He definitely turned into someone I didn't recognize, sometimes I see glimpses of the old him and sometimes I see the addict. This makes it hard, but our life is mostly peaceful. There are no answers. I wish there were. All I know is that if I would have had him arrested, my court battle would not be this long, so kuddos to you for having the strength. Please pm me whenever. Don't worry about his family, they just want to stay in denial.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
if someone, ANYONE, abuses us, violates us, demeans or belittles us, hurts us with intent and no remorse... THEY ARE NOT WORTHY OF OUR LOVE. love does not HURT, it does not include abuse. EVER. if they don't treat you with the decency of the kid that bags your groceries. they are not worthy. you are a goddess. resplendent and beautiful. he should be on his knees every DAY giving thanks for having you in his life. you should be treated with honor and respect, admiration and awe, and the time and attention that lets you know YOU are the most important person in THEIR life.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
There are not going to be answers and he isn't going to be fixed. Family of origin will likely take the side of their blood. It's just the nature of the dynamic. I loved my in-laws, and wished I could have stayed in relationship with them, but it was not to be.
Breakups are like that. Lots of things go unsaid and unresolved.
He has hurt you enough, right?
Breakups are like that. Lots of things go unsaid and unresolved.
He has hurt you enough, right?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Thank you all for your posts and support! I don't know how I would have made it through tonight without y'all. Thank you. I know in my head that everything y'all say is right. But my heart misses and grieves for my AH when he was at his best. And I guess I have pushed his worst aside.
I hate I'm about to admit this but here goes. I made an email with the first name being the town we grew up in and the last name the name of our high school and the year we graduated. And I sent him an email saying call me. But of course he didn't. So I forwarded the email
And said important! Use another to call. Stupidly thinking a) he would want to talk to me b) he would understand my code
I think he did understand and just doesn't care anymore or has started to believe his own lies. I guess if I knew or would remember all of the mean things he has done without any thought for me or my kids then I would never want to talk to him again.
But once they serve him divorce papers at his work, he will never speak to me again.
I hate I'm about to admit this but here goes. I made an email with the first name being the town we grew up in and the last name the name of our high school and the year we graduated. And I sent him an email saying call me. But of course he didn't. So I forwarded the email
And said important! Use another to call. Stupidly thinking a) he would want to talk to me b) he would understand my code
I think he did understand and just doesn't care anymore or has started to believe his own lies. I guess if I knew or would remember all of the mean things he has done without any thought for me or my kids then I would never want to talk to him again.
But once they serve him divorce papers at his work, he will never speak to me again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, if he is in legal trouble already because of the arrest, it certainly isn't in his own best interest to call/email you. That's ammunition against him.
The Universe/God is watching out for you. You will have all you need, and so will your children.
The Universe/God is watching out for you. You will have all you need, and so will your children.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm not a lawyer but I want to warn you: if there is a protective order in place where he can't contact you, if you contact him, YOU can get in legal trouble - it can be viewed as you trying to trick him into breaking the law.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Im so sorry you are having such turmoil. You have gotten great feedback, i just want to add im praying for you and your children and hope you have some peace very soon. Just take it a day at a time.
XXX
XXX
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I cannot just turn that off because of the way he treats me.
then honey, said straight up, YOU got ISSUES. if someone, ANYONE, abuses us, violates us, demeans or belittles us, hurts us with intent and no remorse...
THEY ARE NOT WORTHY OF OUR LOVE.
love does not HURT, it does not include abuse. EVER. if they don't treat you with the decency of the kid that bags your groceries. they are not worthy.
you are a goddess. resplendent and beautiful. he should be on his knees every DAY giving thanks for having you in his life. you should be treated with honor and respect, admiration and awe, and the time and attention that lets you know YOU are the most important person in THEIR life.
then honey, said straight up, YOU got ISSUES. if someone, ANYONE, abuses us, violates us, demeans or belittles us, hurts us with intent and no remorse...
THEY ARE NOT WORTHY OF OUR LOVE.
love does not HURT, it does not include abuse. EVER. if they don't treat you with the decency of the kid that bags your groceries. they are not worthy.
you are a goddess. resplendent and beautiful. he should be on his knees every DAY giving thanks for having you in his life. you should be treated with honor and respect, admiration and awe, and the time and attention that lets you know YOU are the most important person in THEIR life.
Searching Peace, I know how difficult this is. I'm still in the early stages of the divorce process myself, and often find myself wallowing in a wonderland of "if only's and could have been's". If I've said it once I've said it a hundred times, I love my husband very much, but he is not, nor will he ever be the man I need him to be. He's not a good husband, he's not a good father, I'm not even sure if he's a good man. That reality is harsh. Facing that reality was even harsher, and I never could have done it if it weren't for one thing: The first step.
I admitted I powerless over alcohol— that MY life had become unmanageable.
For me that meant I needed to start asking trustworthy people to help me make major life decisions. Lawyers, therapists, Alanon friends, family, close friends. Across the board they all supported the idea that I should move on. So I did. It hasn't been easy. It's a learning process, but it's getting easier. I think it will get easier for you too.
Learn to trust yourself, and until then surround yourself with people you can trust. ((((((((( hugs ))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by searching peace
Thank you all for your posts and support! I don't know how I would have made it through tonight without y'all. Thank you. I know in my head that everything y'all say is right. But my heart misses and grieves for my AH when he was at his best. And I guess I have pushed his worst aside.
I hate I'm about to admit this but here goes. I made an email with the first name being the town we grew up in and the last name the name of our high school and the year we graduated. And I sent him an email saying call me. But of course he didn't. So I forwarded the email
And said important! Use another to call. Stupidly thinking a) he would want to talk to me b) he would understand my code
I think he did understand and just doesn't care anymore or has started to believe his own lies. I guess if I knew or would remember all of the mean things he has done without any thought for me or my kids then I would never want to talk to him again.
But once they serve him divorce papers at his work, he will never speak to me again.
I hate I'm about to admit this but here goes. I made an email with the first name being the town we grew up in and the last name the name of our high school and the year we graduated. And I sent him an email saying call me. But of course he didn't. So I forwarded the email
And said important! Use another to call. Stupidly thinking a) he would want to talk to me b) he would understand my code
I think he did understand and just doesn't care anymore or has started to believe his own lies. I guess if I knew or would remember all of the mean things he has done without any thought for me or my kids then I would never want to talk to him again.
But once they serve him divorce papers at his work, he will never speak to me again.
With that said - this ^^^ could get yourself and your husband in a helluva lot of trouble. So since you love and care for him so much why are you doing things that could make life worse for him (and you)? I am no fan of your AH and its not that I care if he gets in further trouble AT ALL, but your message and your actions are conflicting.
Seems that your need for validation outweighs what is legal, and what is right. Many have said it already, abuse is not love. Fearing your spouse is not love, getting the sh!t beat out of you is not love, terrorizing your spouse and children is not love.
I am sorry you are struggling with this and I feel much compassion for you. The Courts recognize battered women's syndrome which is why they strictly enforce PFA's. Your wanting to contact and love your abuser is battered women's syndrome. You wanting to save your abuser is also battered women's syndrome.
I encourage you to contact your local DV shelter and share with them what's going on with you. They should be able to get you some help via talking with a counselor or a support group.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Searching I understand how your feeling I love my AH deeply and wish more than anything he would chose sobriety to save our marriage but he won't. He told me yesterday he wants a lifestyle where he can enjoy a drink and if that means passing out so be it and realistically I don't!! My AH will only change if he decides to as will yours. No amount of pleading, telling him you love him and want him home will encourage him to stop!!
You deserve so much better as do your children. The only way through this is going no contact and I know that's hard I haven't seen my AH in nearly 2 weeks but I have been texting him constantly wanting answers but every time I contacted him and he didn't tell me what I wanted I would become so upset and right back to square one. In my recovery. No contact necessary for yourself to recover.
I have started to read a book yesterday by halpern, how to break your addiction to a person it is very good and like you I am addicted to my AH I believe that if he loves me enough he would do anything to save our marriage but I'm realising that love isn't enough!!
You deserve so much better as do your children. The only way through this is going no contact and I know that's hard I haven't seen my AH in nearly 2 weeks but I have been texting him constantly wanting answers but every time I contacted him and he didn't tell me what I wanted I would become so upset and right back to square one. In my recovery. No contact necessary for yourself to recover.
I have started to read a book yesterday by halpern, how to break your addiction to a person it is very good and like you I am addicted to my AH I believe that if he loves me enough he would do anything to save our marriage but I'm realising that love isn't enough!!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Sarajevo
Posts: 76
A little bit more information
I understand how you feel. Since I wen through divorce, I may offer a different and sober perspective.
Can you please tell me a little bit more about you and your husband ? What is your and his profession ? Do you guys live in a house or flat ? Do you have children ?
Also, what is the basis - firm rock - stronghold of your relationship ? What put you two together ?
From my experience alcoholism, substance abuse, pornography, fornication, idol-worship are all evil fruits. The root, however is invisible.
Should you be able to understand the root, then you would be in position to make optimal decisions for yourself and everyone else around you.
Oftentimes we seek shortcuts but shortcuts might not lead us where we want to be.
And - if you want to buy meat, do you go to the bakery ? Why then would you seek emotional advice from legal person - the lawyer ?
I am responding to posts within 24 hours and let me pray for you and your husband here real quick:
God of Israel! Have you Father not put two together and made them one flesh ? Well, Father, there are people out there who have not had an opportunity to learn your perspective on their lives. I ask now on their behalf, on behalf of both of these people who love each other, to look at their case from your perspective. There are the right answers. Will your perfect will be done in their lives. In Jesus name amen.
Can you please tell me a little bit more about you and your husband ? What is your and his profession ? Do you guys live in a house or flat ? Do you have children ?
Also, what is the basis - firm rock - stronghold of your relationship ? What put you two together ?
From my experience alcoholism, substance abuse, pornography, fornication, idol-worship are all evil fruits. The root, however is invisible.
Should you be able to understand the root, then you would be in position to make optimal decisions for yourself and everyone else around you.
Oftentimes we seek shortcuts but shortcuts might not lead us where we want to be.
And - if you want to buy meat, do you go to the bakery ? Why then would you seek emotional advice from legal person - the lawyer ?
I am responding to posts within 24 hours and let me pray for you and your husband here real quick:
God of Israel! Have you Father not put two together and made them one flesh ? Well, Father, there are people out there who have not had an opportunity to learn your perspective on their lives. I ask now on their behalf, on behalf of both of these people who love each other, to look at their case from your perspective. There are the right answers. Will your perfect will be done in their lives. In Jesus name amen.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
Please, please PLEASE! Talk to your local DV hotline. Call them every time you feel the "urge" to contact your (and rightly so) stbx. STOP CONTACTING HIM! Seriously, it's not doing you any good. go to any counseling that the DV hotline suggests(I know my local rape and abuse crisis center has onsite counselling) Read the books the counselling suggests(Lundy Bancroft is a GREAT author, and "why does he do that" is a very insightful book)
these first few weeks/months are rough, I'm not going to sugar coat, but it does get better, a lot better.
these first few weeks/months are rough, I'm not going to sugar coat, but it does get better, a lot better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
Originally Posted by pavaoiztarza
I understand how you feel. Since I wen through divorce, I may offer a different and sober perspective.
Can you please tell me a little bit more about you and your husband ? What is your and his profession ? Do you guys live in a house or flat ? Do you have children ?
Also, what is the basis - firm rock - stronghold of your relationship ? What put you two together ?
From my experience alcoholism, substance abuse, pornography, fornication, idol-worship are all evil fruits. The root, however is invisible.
Should you be able to understand the root, then you would be in position to make optimal decisions for yourself and everyone else around you.
Oftentimes we seek shortcuts but shortcuts might not lead us where we want to be.
And - if you want to buy meat, do you go to the bakery ? Why then would you seek emotional advice from legal person - the lawyer ?
I am responding to posts within 24 hours and let me pray for you and your husband here real quick:
God of Israel! Have you Father not put two together and made them one flesh ? Well, Father, there are people out there who have not had an opportunity to learn your perspective on their lives. I ask now on their behalf, on behalf of both of these people who love each other, to look at their case from your perspective. There are the right answers. Will your perfect will be done in their lives. In Jesus name amen.
Can you please tell me a little bit more about you and your husband ? What is your and his profession ? Do you guys live in a house or flat ? Do you have children ?
Also, what is the basis - firm rock - stronghold of your relationship ? What put you two together ?
From my experience alcoholism, substance abuse, pornography, fornication, idol-worship are all evil fruits. The root, however is invisible.
Should you be able to understand the root, then you would be in position to make optimal decisions for yourself and everyone else around you.
Oftentimes we seek shortcuts but shortcuts might not lead us where we want to be.
And - if you want to buy meat, do you go to the bakery ? Why then would you seek emotional advice from legal person - the lawyer ?
I am responding to posts within 24 hours and let me pray for you and your husband here real quick:
God of Israel! Have you Father not put two together and made them one flesh ? Well, Father, there are people out there who have not had an opportunity to learn your perspective on their lives. I ask now on their behalf, on behalf of both of these people who love each other, to look at their case from your perspective. There are the right answers. Will your perfect will be done in their lives. In Jesus name amen.
See, I asked myself the same question when I read this tread earlier. Put all the past behaviors aside for a second. Why would an attorney make you feel like or strong arm you into filing for divorce? This makes no sense to me nor does it sound ethical. You must be in a healthy state of mind to make these kinds of (legal) decisions, and you're not! I think you need to take a deep breath and go no contact for a while. It will do both you and your husband good. He is being selfish right now, and to be honest, so are you because you are trying to make contact with him while there is a PO and it could get him in trouble along with you. Listen, I am no atty, but I was in the legal field for a good portion of my life. Something does not sound right, so my question is...did you tell your atty you wanted a divorce??? I would think that would be the only reason he would file it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Mejo,
I think the attorney was trying to find a way for my AH not to be able to do more things to me financially and for the kids and I to stay in the house longer. AH cut off the one credit card that he allowed me to have that I paid for groceries, gas, everything with. I have not worked in 19 years and he didn't give me any other means of support. When he stopped that I had no way to buy groceries, gas etc. I have a little child support from my XH, but it put us in a category to qualify for assistance such as food stamps, Medicaid or Medicare. But I don't want to do that. There are people that are worst off than I am. I started the part time job this week and I am waiting to hear back from the full time job next week. So I should be able to hopefully do the things I need to do for my kids.
I faxed the attorney a letter and told him to hold off on filing for divorce until the court cases had been heard. Hopefully he will. I have been talking to this attorney for about two years about the abuse and my options. He knows I am struggling with all of this and I believe he is trying to look out for the children's and my best interest. I
Don't know the legal ins and outs but I think he thought to go ahead and transfer the case to the family law division and we would have the order extended. I am afraid that my AH is going to say I contacted him and am not afraid of him. The atty told me to tell the truth that the first atty I spoke to told me to contact him. And I'm just going to be honest with the judge. I have tried to contact the DV advocate and will try again on Monday. She called back when I was at work and so I didn't get that call until she had left for the day.
I think the attorney was trying to find a way for my AH not to be able to do more things to me financially and for the kids and I to stay in the house longer. AH cut off the one credit card that he allowed me to have that I paid for groceries, gas, everything with. I have not worked in 19 years and he didn't give me any other means of support. When he stopped that I had no way to buy groceries, gas etc. I have a little child support from my XH, but it put us in a category to qualify for assistance such as food stamps, Medicaid or Medicare. But I don't want to do that. There are people that are worst off than I am. I started the part time job this week and I am waiting to hear back from the full time job next week. So I should be able to hopefully do the things I need to do for my kids.
I faxed the attorney a letter and told him to hold off on filing for divorce until the court cases had been heard. Hopefully he will. I have been talking to this attorney for about two years about the abuse and my options. He knows I am struggling with all of this and I believe he is trying to look out for the children's and my best interest. I
Don't know the legal ins and outs but I think he thought to go ahead and transfer the case to the family law division and we would have the order extended. I am afraid that my AH is going to say I contacted him and am not afraid of him. The atty told me to tell the truth that the first atty I spoke to told me to contact him. And I'm just going to be honest with the judge. I have tried to contact the DV advocate and will try again on Monday. She called back when I was at work and so I didn't get that call until she had left for the day.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
I understand now. Just be easy on yourself. You are fragile right now, so don't take anymore abuse from anyone. Don't make decisions that you are going to regret (although I don't think you will regret getting out of an abusive relationship). I will pray for you and I hope you obtain the full time job!!
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I don't know if you can get a legal separation where you are? It's not a divorce but where I live in the UK it can ensure provisions such as you remain in the family home and financial assistance etc.
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