Relapse is hard!
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 14
Relapse is hard!
Hi! I'm new to the group. I feel bad dumping my feelings right off the bat, but I suppose we all come here for the first time when things aren't going well yes? 
A little about me, I'm a mom with two young kids, and my husband is a alcoholic. I work part time, from home. My husband has been sober for just over a year(after completing an out-patient recovery program after a hospital stay for severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms), and a few months ago he had a TERRIBLE day at work, and had a drink. I could tell immediately and my first instinct was to get upset. I confronted him, and he admitted right away what happened. I made him a doctors appointment, and he went. He got on some new medication for his depression, but I'm not sure how much he told the doctor. He recently (two weeks ago) made another medication change.
About 3 weeks ago he had another drink. Then, about a week ago another..and this time it didn't stop with one drink. He has been sneaking drinks daily for about a week now. He is buying alcohol with cash so I can't see the purchases. Last night I could tell something was wrong, so I went on the hunt. I found his stash. After the kids went to bed I tried a new approach. He recently told me he just wants me to listen. Not to try to fix things. Not to tell him to go to a meeting, not to tell him what to do. He said it will make it easier for him to be honest. I said I would try, and I put it to the test last night.
I calmed myself down, and went to talk to him. I asked about the alcohol that I had found, let him know I was here to listen only. He took a deep breath and talked. I asked direct questions calmly, like how long, how frequent, how/where he was purchasing, just the facts. After he answered my questions (truthfully? no idea) I said he was a good man, and that I loved him. Then I said sorry tomorrow was going to suck, because I was going to get rid of his stash, if it was ok with him. He said "one more drink?" (an attempt at a joke?) and I said "um, no." Then I tossed it out. I again told him I was sorry he was going through this, and that was that. He took a sleeping pill, and went to sleep. I couldn't sleep, and the kids ended up waking up, keeping me up even later. Today is going to suck, and I hope he comes right home after work.
I struggle with trust, and my own slight depression. I wish he would go into therapy, but I know I can't force the issue. At least he sees his doctor on a pretty regular basis. Not sure what I am looking for, I think just to share what's going on. I tell people in the know things are getting better (sometimes it seems they are) and I feel like talking about his relapse makes me sound like a flake and makes me sound stupid for saying "he's doing so well!" all the time. Like I'm being fooled. Silly I know
.
A little about me, I'm a mom with two young kids, and my husband is a alcoholic. I work part time, from home. My husband has been sober for just over a year(after completing an out-patient recovery program after a hospital stay for severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms), and a few months ago he had a TERRIBLE day at work, and had a drink. I could tell immediately and my first instinct was to get upset. I confronted him, and he admitted right away what happened. I made him a doctors appointment, and he went. He got on some new medication for his depression, but I'm not sure how much he told the doctor. He recently (two weeks ago) made another medication change. About 3 weeks ago he had another drink. Then, about a week ago another..and this time it didn't stop with one drink. He has been sneaking drinks daily for about a week now. He is buying alcohol with cash so I can't see the purchases. Last night I could tell something was wrong, so I went on the hunt. I found his stash. After the kids went to bed I tried a new approach. He recently told me he just wants me to listen. Not to try to fix things. Not to tell him to go to a meeting, not to tell him what to do. He said it will make it easier for him to be honest. I said I would try, and I put it to the test last night.
I calmed myself down, and went to talk to him. I asked about the alcohol that I had found, let him know I was here to listen only. He took a deep breath and talked. I asked direct questions calmly, like how long, how frequent, how/where he was purchasing, just the facts. After he answered my questions (truthfully? no idea) I said he was a good man, and that I loved him. Then I said sorry tomorrow was going to suck, because I was going to get rid of his stash, if it was ok with him. He said "one more drink?" (an attempt at a joke?) and I said "um, no." Then I tossed it out. I again told him I was sorry he was going through this, and that was that. He took a sleeping pill, and went to sleep. I couldn't sleep, and the kids ended up waking up, keeping me up even later. Today is going to suck, and I hope he comes right home after work.
I struggle with trust, and my own slight depression. I wish he would go into therapy, but I know I can't force the issue. At least he sees his doctor on a pretty regular basis. Not sure what I am looking for, I think just to share what's going on. I tell people in the know things are getting better (sometimes it seems they are) and I feel like talking about his relapse makes me sound like a flake and makes me sound stupid for saying "he's doing so well!" all the time. Like I'm being fooled. Silly I know
.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,506
Originally Posted by SwimmingAlong 
Hi! I'm new to the group. I feel bad dumping my feelings right off the bat, but I suppose we all come here for the first time when things aren't going well yes? A little about me, I'm a mom with two young kids, and my husband is a alcoholic. I work part time, from home. My husband has been sober for just over a year(after completing an out-patient recovery program after a hospital stay for severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms), and a few months ago he had a TERRIBLE day at work, and had a drink. I could tell immediately and my first instinct was to get upset. I confronted him, and he admitted right away what happened. I made him a doctors appointment, and he went. He got on some new medication for his depression, but I'm not sure how much he told the doctor. He recently (two weeks ago) made another medication change.
About 3 weeks ago he had another drink. Then, about a week ago another..and this time it didn't stop with one drink. He has been sneaking drinks daily for about a week now. He is buying alcohol with cash so I can't see the purchases. Last night I could tell something was wrong, so I went on the hunt. I found his stash. After the kids went to bed I tried a new approach. He recently told me he just wants me to listen. Not to try to fix things. Not to tell him to go to a meeting, not to tell him what to do. He said it will make it easier for him to be honest. I said I would try, and I put it to the test last night.
I calmed myself down, and went to talk to him. I asked about the alcohol that I had found, let him know I was here to listen only. He took a deep breath and talked. I asked direct questions calmly, like how long, how frequent, how/where he was purchasing, just the facts. After he answered my questions (truthfully? no idea) I said he was a good man, and that I loved him. Then I said sorry tomorrow was going to suck, because I was going to get rid of his stash, if it was ok with him. He said "one more drink?" (an attempt at a joke?) and I said "um, no." Then I tossed it out. I again told him I was sorry he was going through this, and that was that. He took a sleeping pill, and went to sleep. I couldn't sleep, and the kids ended up waking up, keeping me up even later. Today is going to suck, and I hope he comes right home after work.
I struggle with trust, and my own slight depression. I wish he would go into therapy, but I know I can't force the issue. At least he sees his doctor on a pretty regular basis. Not sure what I am looking for, I think just to share what's going on. I tell people in the know things are getting better (sometimes it seems they are) and I feel like talking about his relapse makes me sound like a flake and makes me sound stupid for saying "he's doing so well!" all the time. Like I'm being fooled. Silly I know.
A little about me, I'm a mom with two young kids, and my husband is a alcoholic. I work part time, from home. My husband has been sober for just over a year(after completing an out-patient recovery program after a hospital stay for severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms), and a few months ago he had a TERRIBLE day at work, and had a drink. I could tell immediately and my first instinct was to get upset. I confronted him, and he admitted right away what happened. I made him a doctors appointment, and he went. He got on some new medication for his depression, but I'm not sure how much he told the doctor. He recently (two weeks ago) made another medication change. About 3 weeks ago he had another drink. Then, about a week ago another..and this time it didn't stop with one drink. He has been sneaking drinks daily for about a week now. He is buying alcohol with cash so I can't see the purchases. Last night I could tell something was wrong, so I went on the hunt. I found his stash. After the kids went to bed I tried a new approach. He recently told me he just wants me to listen. Not to try to fix things. Not to tell him to go to a meeting, not to tell him what to do. He said it will make it easier for him to be honest. I said I would try, and I put it to the test last night.
I calmed myself down, and went to talk to him. I asked about the alcohol that I had found, let him know I was here to listen only. He took a deep breath and talked. I asked direct questions calmly, like how long, how frequent, how/where he was purchasing, just the facts. After he answered my questions (truthfully? no idea) I said he was a good man, and that I loved him. Then I said sorry tomorrow was going to suck, because I was going to get rid of his stash, if it was ok with him. He said "one more drink?" (an attempt at a joke?) and I said "um, no." Then I tossed it out. I again told him I was sorry he was going through this, and that was that. He took a sleeping pill, and went to sleep. I couldn't sleep, and the kids ended up waking up, keeping me up even later. Today is going to suck, and I hope he comes right home after work.
I struggle with trust, and my own slight depression. I wish he would go into therapy, but I know I can't force the issue. At least he sees his doctor on a pretty regular basis. Not sure what I am looking for, I think just to share what's going on. I tell people in the know things are getting better (sometimes it seems they are) and I feel like talking about his relapse makes me sound like a flake and makes me sound stupid for saying "he's doing so well!" all the time. Like I'm being fooled. Silly I know
.Many thanks for your honesty.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sounds like he has a lot of support available for his recovery, if he chooses to make use of it.
Did they have a family day or any support for you at his op treatment? It's very hard dealing with an active alcoholic and young children at the same time. Almost like you're the only adult in the house.
I think he was right about just wanting you to listen. I wasted a lot of time trying to make mine do things he didn't want to do. I wish I had gone to Alanon while we were still together, it would have helped me deal with all the stress and craziness that goes along with active alcoholism.
Hugs and welcome.
Did they have a family day or any support for you at his op treatment? It's very hard dealing with an active alcoholic and young children at the same time. Almost like you're the only adult in the house.
I think he was right about just wanting you to listen. I wasted a lot of time trying to make mine do things he didn't want to do. I wish I had gone to Alanon while we were still together, it would have helped me deal with all the stress and craziness that goes along with active alcoholism.
Hugs and welcome.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 14
Hi Stoogy! Thanks for your response. Is he ready to stop drinking? That's a tough question. He didn't quit drinking on his own. He had a seizure last year, and was hospitalized. He began drinking as a way to deal with depression when his mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. She passed away 2 years ago, and he stopped drinking a year ago, after detoxing in the hospital. He is still severely depressed, and will not see a counselor about his depression. He does keep in contact with his doctor, the one who recommended the out patient recovery program. Recently he told me he is tired of being depressed, and wishes he knew what to do. The new meds do seem to offer a smidgen of relief, but obviously not a lot at this point if he felt he needed to drink. I know it's not that simple.
ladyscribbler, his recovery program had weekly family days, I went to every family session available. The sessions were with him, in a group setting. I have not gone to a support meeting myself. I may, I just wanted to start here. He HATES AA. He doesn't thrive in a group therapy setting at all. He's reluctant to try other things. We also are not religious, and though there are secular resources available, they are difficult to find. When we asked about secular programs in his group they recommended a Buddhist AA meeting, eye roll. Even if he found a great secular program, the group therapy aspect still is not his bag.
ladyscribbler, his recovery program had weekly family days, I went to every family session available. The sessions were with him, in a group setting. I have not gone to a support meeting myself. I may, I just wanted to start here. He HATES AA. He doesn't thrive in a group therapy setting at all. He's reluctant to try other things. We also are not religious, and though there are secular resources available, they are difficult to find. When we asked about secular programs in his group they recommended a Buddhist AA meeting, eye roll. Even if he found a great secular program, the group therapy aspect still is not his bag.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome! I am sorry for what brings you here.
It is creating anxiety b/c you have no idea what is going to happen next. I totally understand, been there. It sounds like he needs to be a lot more involved in his own recovery. You made him a doctors appointment right away after he relapsed. It really should be him making the choice about what he wants to do about it. I know it's not simple b/c it affects you and your family, however that is the only time recovery actually works.
I have heard and said on here many times b/c I think it is wise. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. I suggest to you that you also need therapy as support for you.
Please keep posting, you are not alone.
XXX
It is creating anxiety b/c you have no idea what is going to happen next. I totally understand, been there. It sounds like he needs to be a lot more involved in his own recovery. You made him a doctors appointment right away after he relapsed. It really should be him making the choice about what he wants to do about it. I know it's not simple b/c it affects you and your family, however that is the only time recovery actually works.
I have heard and said on here many times b/c I think it is wise. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. I suggest to you that you also need therapy as support for you.
Please keep posting, you are not alone.
XXX
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 14
Thanks Hopeful4! I know he needs to do this for him, he needs to decide. I'm trying to find a balance between backing off and letting him find his path, and being supportive. I know I can't ignore his problems, can't silently pour his stash down the drain without a word. I'm the daughter of an alcoholic as well, and my biggest fear is he won't get better. My dad still drinks, and has never ONCE admitted to his illness.
My husband has taken several steps that my dad hasn't. He openly admits he is an alcoholic. That gives me hope. He gets very defensive, and I hope my "shut up and listen" approach (it's new lol) proves to be a good one. He is always telling me "I'm not your dad. I don't get angry when I drink, I don't yell, or cause a scene. I'm not your dad". I think he's trying to convince himself? In fact one of the FIRST things he told me in the hospital when he was forced to admit to his drinking was "I'm not your dad".
My husband has taken several steps that my dad hasn't. He openly admits he is an alcoholic. That gives me hope. He gets very defensive, and I hope my "shut up and listen" approach (it's new lol) proves to be a good one. He is always telling me "I'm not your dad. I don't get angry when I drink, I don't yell, or cause a scene. I'm not your dad". I think he's trying to convince himself? In fact one of the FIRST things he told me in the hospital when he was forced to admit to his drinking was "I'm not your dad".
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Join Date: May 2014
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I KNOW he needs to take a more active roll in his recovery. Knowing that does nothing. That's the most frustrating part. I hate it. I hate hate hate watching him struggle. I hate that I have been treading water for YEARS waiting for things to get better, with little to no results. For the last few months things have been looking up. He's trying. Trying to do things he likes again. Trying to find a solution that doesn't involve drinking. I let my guard down and started to breath. Then he slipped up. He started drinking again. Now I'm very thrown, very discouraged, very very fearful of what's next. A part of me is still hopeful. Thinking this IS how healing works. Several steps forward, a few back..then hopefully some more forward?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Welcome to SR. You will find alot of knowledge and support here. Many of us here know exactly what you are going through. Relapses are so hard on everyone. I know how it feels waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. The only words of wisdom I can offer you is to take care of yourself. Have you ever been involved with Al-anon? They can be a great resource for you as your AH continues on in his recovery. Only he has the ability to make things better for himself. You in the meantime have to make things better for you. Feel free to post and share whenever you want.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, it is always steps forward and steps back. The fact is, relapse for an addict is quite common. Some get past it and move forward, some don't. With an alcoholic father that never recovered, I can imagine your fear.
I do think it is wise to listen and not nag, for that does nothing for anyone. It would also be wise of you to ask the same thing from him, that he listen and have his mind open to what you need to say.
It sounds like he is trying to condone his drinking by saying that he is not an angry alcoholic. That does not take the alcoholic part out of the equation. The fact is, with two young children, you deserve his sobriety, and they need his sobriety.
You will find lots of great support here, I hope you keep coming back!
I do think it is wise to listen and not nag, for that does nothing for anyone. It would also be wise of you to ask the same thing from him, that he listen and have his mind open to what you need to say.
It sounds like he is trying to condone his drinking by saying that he is not an angry alcoholic. That does not take the alcoholic part out of the equation. The fact is, with two young children, you deserve his sobriety, and they need his sobriety.
You will find lots of great support here, I hope you keep coming back!
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Join Date: May 2014
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hopeful, he IS making excuses. I know he is. I have told him how his drinking effects me and the kids, he knows my feelings on it. I imagine he knows he needs to do more, and its hard hard hard to take the steps he needs to take. So much easier to say "eh, I'm not hurting anyone but myself". He has said the only reason he tries, the only reason he does what he does is me. That he would completely self destruct without me or the kids. A desperate plea to keep me around? (For the record I don't want to leave him). After telling me that he asked if I thought he was taking our relationship for granted. Using the fact that I'm not going anywhere as an excuse to keep drinking. I just said sometimes I think that's the case, so what is he going to do about it?
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SwimmingAlong---right now would be a good time for you to read the following article:
You will find it by going to the search option --on the blue bar at the top of the F & F of alcoholics page. This article helped me enormously!! It is called: "10 ways to tell when an addict or alcoholic is full of crap"
If you can't find it--let us k now and we will help you.
dandylion
You will find it by going to the search option --on the blue bar at the top of the F & F of alcoholics page. This article helped me enormously!! It is called: "10 ways to tell when an addict or alcoholic is full of crap"
If you can't find it--let us k now and we will help you.
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Certainly no one here will ever tell you to leave a situation unless you are being abused. Only you can make decisions for yourself. We are here to listen, to let you know we understand. Believe me, I stuck around for years and years, but it was too much for me. No one here told me to leave, no one did anything but support me and listen to me.
I had isolated myself quite a bit. One of the best things I did for myself quite a long time ago was to tell my husband that I would never cover for him again and I would never lie for him again. So if he was drinking around the kids, I told the kids, Dad is not going to pick you up because he has been drinking and I won't allow that. If he did not show up to something I did not say he was sick, I told the truth, he has been drinking and is not in a good frame of mind to attend. I then went about my business and did not let that ruin my own time.
I also opened up to my family and friends. I did this because it was crisis time and I needed a support system. For the first time ever, I was looking at myself and my kids and making decisions as to what was best for us, not necessarily for him. At that time I was not ready to leave, but this did significantly change my life. It was a boundary that was set, and it was set for me, not for him.
It's overwhelming, I know. Just breathe and make sure you have a good support system. SR is wonderful, but you need a face to face support system also.
XXX
I had isolated myself quite a bit. One of the best things I did for myself quite a long time ago was to tell my husband that I would never cover for him again and I would never lie for him again. So if he was drinking around the kids, I told the kids, Dad is not going to pick you up because he has been drinking and I won't allow that. If he did not show up to something I did not say he was sick, I told the truth, he has been drinking and is not in a good frame of mind to attend. I then went about my business and did not let that ruin my own time.
I also opened up to my family and friends. I did this because it was crisis time and I needed a support system. For the first time ever, I was looking at myself and my kids and making decisions as to what was best for us, not necessarily for him. At that time I was not ready to leave, but this did significantly change my life. It was a boundary that was set, and it was set for me, not for him.
It's overwhelming, I know. Just breathe and make sure you have a good support system. SR is wonderful, but you need a face to face support system also.
XXX
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
It doesn't sound to me like he is serious about being sober...
The part that stung to read bc it was so so so familiar and I dealt with it with my own XAH was you saying this
Whether you realize it or not (bc A's are masterful manipulators) he is making YOU responsible for his feelings, his dishonesty, his lack of work on himself...
No matter how you communicate with him has NOTHING to do with his ability to be honest.
He doesn't want to be honest and doesn't want to work a program bc he is enjoying drinking... But if he convinces you as he seems to have done, that it is your communication style that's the issue and not his lying and drinking, then the heat is off of him.
My xAH did this same thing to me and it was confusing and crazy making and left me not knowing what was up or down.
There's nothing you can do to help him. He has to want this himself.
Im so sorry you're in this situation.
Do you have friends or support around you that understand at all?
The part that stung to read bc it was so so so familiar and I dealt with it with my own XAH was you saying this
He recently told me he just wants me to listen. Not to try to fix things. Not to tell him to go to a meeting, not to tell him what to do. He said it will make it easier for him to be honest. I said I would try, and I put it to the test last night.
No matter how you communicate with him has NOTHING to do with his ability to be honest.
He doesn't want to be honest and doesn't want to work a program bc he is enjoying drinking... But if he convinces you as he seems to have done, that it is your communication style that's the issue and not his lying and drinking, then the heat is off of him.
My xAH did this same thing to me and it was confusing and crazy making and left me not knowing what was up or down.
There's nothing you can do to help him. He has to want this himself.
Im so sorry you're in this situation.
Do you have friends or support around you that understand at all?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 14
Thanks dandylion . I know he's still in denial to a certain degree, knowing that is not the same as fully accepting it
I'm battling a couple things, new mom isolation (my kids are 2 and 3, so I'm JUST NOW coming out of the "baby" bubble) and so far I haven't been completely open and honest with anyone. I need to talk to my mom. She was in my shoes obviously, since my dad is an alcoholic. I'm taking steps to cure the first issue. I recognize I need to take time for myself, and that I need to re-establish positive friendships I have let fall on the sidelines. So I will keep working on making ME happy, and remain supportive, and try to have realistic hopes. Coming here is a good first step to getting help for myself. I've considered counseling, it's helped me with anxiety issues in the past.
. I know he's still in denial to a certain degree, knowing that is not the same as fully accepting it I'm battling a couple things, new mom isolation (my kids are 2 and 3, so I'm JUST NOW coming out of the "baby" bubble) and so far I haven't been completely open and honest with anyone. I need to talk to my mom. She was in my shoes obviously, since my dad is an alcoholic. I'm taking steps to cure the first issue. I recognize I need to take time for myself, and that I need to re-establish positive friendships I have let fall on the sidelines. So I will keep working on making ME happy, and remain supportive, and try to have realistic hopes. Coming here is a good first step to getting help for myself. I've considered counseling, it's helped me with anxiety issues in the past.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
It doesn't sound to me like he is serious about being sober...
The part that stung to read bc it was so so so familiar and I dealt with it with my own XAH was you saying this
Whether you realize it or not (bc A's are masterful manipulators) he is making YOU responsible for his feelings, his dishonesty, his lack of work on himself...
No matter how you communicate with him has NOTHING to do with his ability to be honest.
He doesn't want to be honest and doesn't want to work a program bc he is enjoying drinking... But if he convinces you as he seems to have done, that it is your communication style that's the issue and not his lying and drinking, then the heat is off of him.
My xAH did this same thing to me and it was confusing and crazy making and left me not knowing what was up or down.
There's nothing you can do to help him. He has to want this himself.
Im so sorry you're in this situation.
Do you have friends or support around you that understand at all?
The part that stung to read bc it was so so so familiar and I dealt with it with my own XAH was you saying this
Whether you realize it or not (bc A's are masterful manipulators) he is making YOU responsible for his feelings, his dishonesty, his lack of work on himself...
No matter how you communicate with him has NOTHING to do with his ability to be honest.
He doesn't want to be honest and doesn't want to work a program bc he is enjoying drinking... But if he convinces you as he seems to have done, that it is your communication style that's the issue and not his lying and drinking, then the heat is off of him.
My xAH did this same thing to me and it was confusing and crazy making and left me not knowing what was up or down.
There's nothing you can do to help him. He has to want this himself.
Im so sorry you're in this situation.
Do you have friends or support around you that understand at all?
You are right
. And I do, I just have to open up to them. My mom understands, my sisters would be supportive.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 14
So what do I do? I can't change him, I can't make him pick sobriety. When he tells me a lie, and I recognize it as such, do I tell him? Do I call his BS? Do I smile and nod? When he says "I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel better" what do I say? When I catch him drinking what approach do I take? Just tell him how I feel and let it sit? Tell him I don't have the answers and if he wants help he needs to find someone who does?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Welcome SwimmingAlong!
You have a well written post and thoughtful responses. You are really doing a lot right! Reach out to your family. Reach out and rebuild or find some new friends to be social a bit. All you can work on is you. Hugs!
You have a well written post and thoughtful responses. You are really doing a lot right! Reach out to your family. Reach out and rebuild or find some new friends to be social a bit. All you can work on is you. Hugs!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by SwimmingAlong
When he comes home from work, do I act like nothing is up? Do I ask him if he stopped by the liquor store on the way home? UGG! lol.
In my opinion the approach varies depending on the personality of the person in question, some people need a kids gloves type approach and others need perhaps a harder time, no-one knows him better than you. Good luck.
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