wanttobehealthy

Its this stuff that makes living with an active alcoholic so hard.... I was constantly worried and wondering about what he was doing, asking questions, never able to trust what he said, and my focus was on him because I felt like the family life I thought we'd have couldn't occur if he wasn't sober.

It turned out for me that I couldn't have a peaceful life with him because I was so stressed and worried about his drinking all the time...

But it took a long time for me to get to that point...

I don't know what to suggest about asking him if he is drinking...

When I would ask, and was told "no" I was never relieved bc I was sure he was lying (and he was). When he said "yes", I was equally worried because I didn't know how much or how long it would continue for... But not asking left me uncertain too.

It's so so hard to live with an alcoholic. Im so sorry. How are your kids with this?

SwimmingAlong

My kids are pretty oblivious at the moment. It won't stay that way forever, or even much longer. They are only 2 and 3. He's an attentive, playful, patient father. He's so kind and loving with them. On the surface he's fine. They only know a depressed dad, He has been battling depression since before they were born. When they start asking questions, they will get honest answers.
I know what he looks like when he is truly happy and sober, so I know what's missing. It's not obvious to those who haven't known him as long as I have.

Ecotime47

Thank you so much for sharing with us. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I just wanted you to know I was praying for you all today!

Psalm5110

My heart goes out to you, SwimmingAlong! I have an almost-three year old and one on the way (any day now...) and my AH is in what I hope is the first stage of recovery. I unknowingly lived with secret drinking for probably two years and it took a huge emotional toll on me because, as another poster said, I felt like the only adult in the house. Our son's care and well-being were always my responsibility and I practically chained myself to the house.

My path and choices are different than yours (we are separated until he gets further along in his recovery, and a relapse once we are back together would mean the end of our marriage), but I feel for you and hope you can find lots of support here at SR. It's been a huge source of information and help for me! Good luck, and take care of those little ones!

hopeful4

I would always ask my XAH if he had been drinking. It just set me up to be lied to. In the end it was almost a joke. I don't even know why I did it. A test I guess to prove to me he would lie if given the opportunity. I don't know why I did that either, I had been given enough lies to last a lifetime. I understand the anxiety and fear, it's very real and very scary. We are here with you.

XXX

TalenCrowhaven

Welcome!

A big round of applause for you in your ability to not go into a rage, acknowledging he is a good man, and not heaping a bunch of shame on him. You helped him in how you handled yourself and are trying to separate the addiction from the man. This is very hard to do!

I hope you stick around, read the stickies and look into some Al-Anon meetings locally, to get some in-person support for you.

(((Hang in there)))

SwimmingAlong

Today ended up OK. Tomorrow might suck, but today is OK. AH came home sad. Which means he did not stop at the liquor store on the way home. He looks tired, isn't feigning enthusiasm. He's not trying too hard, he is just..being. I know how hard it is for him to just be sad. Today I backed off. I reminded him of his strength, and asked him to internalize it for once. The kids were busy playing outside with grandma. I mentioned if he wanted to play a game (a favorite past time he hasn't indulged in in several months, if at all through his recovery) now was a good time. As usual, he said "nah, I'm good." So I walked away. Awhile later he picked up the controller and started to play. Tomorrow he might drink. But today he was truthful, and he did something for him. So today I'm grateful.

SwimmingAlong

This is the first time I didn't bombard him with suggestions, questions, swoop in to fix. While I'm not counting any chickens, I couldn't have asked for a better result.

LvWrAM123

Sorry you are experiencing this, SA. My husband quit after OP treatment for about 15 months, and he also wasn't particularly religious and not into AA at all. He went to aftercare group weekly after treatment, then monthly, then stopped. He relapsed with secret drinking a few times when I was out of town, and then during a "stressful time" has a drink after work, then 2, then 6...this was on the sly, and there was more, but...Anyway, he made the decision to go to IP treatment for 28 days once I found out about the secret relapse.

Anyway-as part of the IP they made him go to AA every day. It's been 6 months since rehab and he still goes to AA regularly-he did almost 100 mtgs the first 100 days out of rehab, and still goes 5-6 mornings a week. Feels it is the best way to ward of temptation. He says his HP is LOVE. He also laughed, and said some in AA said GOD stood for Group of Drunks. He really credits seeing this group of people who have had success of staying sober with helping him develop the self efficacy to believe that he too could do this hard thing. And he said it was the Group Of Drunks and his belief in LOVE that have helped in change his mindset and perspective.

During his earlier period of sobriety, he was not drinking, but he was not " in recovery"-he said this himself. Today, he would say he is "in recovery". I also didn't want to leave my husband, but after the relapse, my boundary became pretty clear to me, and as much as I didn't want to leave him, break up our family, etc. I also didn't want my kids being raised in a house with an active alcoholic, and I didn't want to be married to an active alcoholic either. I wasn't going to leave him because he relapsed, but I wasn't going to stay with him if he kept drinking, either, and he knew if he was going to succeed, he needed even more treatment/recovery. He realized he couldn't white knuckle sobriety forever.

You can't MAKE your husband do anything, but you CAN lay down your own boundaries. Sometimes when their drinking has consequences they will be open to things they weren't open to before. He tried OP, and it worked for awhile, but he needs more/something else-whether IP, AA, or something else. And he may need a reason to help him understand why he needs more help to change. Maybe you can successfully use your listening, questioning approach to lead him down this path, now or eventually. I get it that you don't want to leave, but can you imagine a scenario down the road where you would? If he doesn't get more help/find recovery, he/you'll end up there eventually, so just keep that in mind. no sense to prolong the inevitable-we might not be able to control their drinking, but we CAN control how long we will put up with it/enable them.

Good luck-sometimes quitting does take practice, and hopefully what he has tried/done so far is laying the foundation for recovery.

SwimmingAlong

All I know is that even at his worst he's my favorite person. I love being with him, my kids love being with him. In this moment he's my family, my heart. My life and our kid's lives are better with him in it. I'm not drowning. I am struggling sometimes, but I'm not drowning. In 11 years he hasn't given me at reason to question anything but continuing to build a life with him. I don't think drawing a line in the sand at this point is helpful. BUT, I might be wrong . Time ultimately will tell.