biminiblue

I think you would benefit greatly from a journal. Put it in OneNote if you have Windows.

I have pages and pages of journaling when there is a stressful event like your wedding thing. In a journal I can be more honest than here - I can explore the dark recesses of my pain with much more clarity. If I try that in forums, people are all over the place with advice.

I also give myself a time limit on how much I am "allowed" to worry about a particular issue. Like 15 minutes a day seems to be the right amount. I literally will set a timer, start writing and then stop when the timer goes off. Often I don't even have 15 minutes in me, but it is a reasonable amount of time and then I can drop that worry until tomorrow.

I don't know if you have any belief in God, but I heard of a "God Box" - where you write down your worry and put it in the box and let Him have it.

Sounds great. I often look up and say, "God, you take it." Same thing. I know they say, "Lay it at the foot of the Cross" in some churches. It's a symbolic action of letting it go.

Gratitude lists. I do one every night.

amy55

I have to just sit here and watch, how my family will boycott my son's wedding. All because of a misunderstanding, or lack of communication. I will see total hurt from my son, I don't have to see it, I will feel it. I will feel him feeling abandonment. I don't want to see this. I love my son too much for this. For more background on this, I did post about this before.

amy55

And why is it that if you just posted and then you saw someone else posted that you can't thank them, you have to press the refresh button for the thanks button to appear.

Faithhope21

Jenny so reminds me of the AGF that my relationship just ended with. I so love her and hope that someday she will get straightened out and come back to me

Hammer

Amy, you know what I like about Forrest?

Did not matter what crap was handed him, he just did the next right thing.

Maybe same for you. Maybe the same for me.

Maybe just send them a nice wedding present, and go back to doing good for you and others.

Next right thing.

FireSprite

Sleep is my friend during episodes like this as well. I always keep a liquid herbal supplement with chamomile, valerian & passion flower on hand just in case... it helps me sleep more restfully.

amy55

This touched me so much. I thought that is what I wanted for the longest time, then I hated him, then I just now, wish him the best in life.

embraced2000

finally. a question that makes sense to me on this day. the answer is....I don't know....it just is what it is. and it's really no big deal...not in the scheme of things.

amy, I would really like to post something to you that would make it all better....you know, the old codie instinct.

but sometimes, I just had to think to myself....this, too, shall pass.

and it did. and it does. and it was never really as bad in the light as it seemed.

rest well.

amy55

Hammer, so right. The next right thing. I sent an email, I made a call. I told my son that I loved him, and I would feel honored to be at his wedding, and just that I loved him. I heard nothing. Next right thing. Leave it alone.

amy55

And again, I was posting, then I saw your post, had to refresh the thread, I mean press the F5 key, so that I could get the thanks button back. lol

Thank you embraced for your caring.

Faithhope21

I understand. The hard thing is that this is killing me even though i know it wasn't healthy. I know that love cannot cure her addiction even though i had so hoped it would. Her cure can only come from her and i pray that gods leads her to surrender as she deserves a healthy happy life more than anyone i have ever met. Sorry for the turmoil you are encountering. Prayers coming your way

amy55

I have to call my mom tomorrow. She is 82, and her health is deteriorating. I have gotten her so far to push it off for her sending out the wedding card now, and declining going, she is saying it is for health reasons.

I have already dealt with 2 phone calls from her with her crying uncontrollably. I told her that I would take care of this, and to trust me.

I have to call her tomorrow and tell her to send out that card. She is in Florida, my family is mostly in NJ, Pa, Md. This might have been the last time that she would see them.

wanttobehealthy

I have no advice or solution amy but having been shut out by family myself at times I know how hurtful it is. You've done the right thing and reached out. At this point it's in your sons hands and I hope he, like you have done, will
do what is right... I have to believe he wants you there and hopefully pride or stubbornness or ???? will subside in him and you'll be able to be there with him.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

amy55

Faithhope, I really do think that SR is the best support system that there is. I so understand everything that you are saying. I know that my ex, and at times I did hate him, but I don't feel that anymore. I just wish him the best.

amy55

Thanks, I also wanted to add a little in here. I stayed till my kids were older. And wtbh, I am talking to you. My ex turned around and became the father that they always wanted. He played that "pity card" for them.

I was the one they felt safe with. So they are taking out on me what they felt when they were growing up, on me, because I am safe. They still can only talk to their dad about the weather, but for them that is ok.

They have no emotional connection to their dad, but when it comes to other things, they will attack me for what their life was.

((((((((hugs)))))))))) you did good. You got your daughters out before it was this late.

fairlyuncertain

Thankfully, none of this has happened yet. It is still just thoughts in your mind. How about a different thought? Al anon has great ones. I like "what other people think about me is none of my business," "live and let live," "this too shall pass."

I have a black sense of humor about weddings, especially for people from dysfunctional homes (like me). It's just a day. My mom spent the night before my wedding wailing and threatening to not show up over some imagined slight. Well, I talked her down and she came. Didn't make my marriage any better, unfortunately!! Didn't make the wedding much better either

Get em some egg spoons and linen napkins and spend a day at a spa or plan something lovely and decadent for yourself, and know that your SR friends will be cheering you on

redatlanta

Amy I am a little confused. In your thread where you posted the the email from your son you wrote that you had misunderstood - that perhaps you weren't on the invitation but that you were invited to the wedding? Maybe I misunderstood.

Weddings are a large part of my business. I personally wouldn't have one under any circumstance aside from the huge cost this kind of sh1t happens all the time. Last year we attended a very large wedding of folks who were also my clients. There had been much contention between the groom's parents and bride's parents regarding number of invites allotted to the groom's parents. The bride and groom used most of the invites themselves as it should be, then the parents split the number of invites. There were only so many not because of cost, rather the venue could only hold a certain number and no more.

Day of wedding there was obvious contention between the families. It began with groom's parents refusing to be in photos with bride's. At the reception there was a mix up and the groom's dance with his mother was skipped (to be exact this was his step mother). This was brought to the attention of the wedding planner and she immediately fixed it and had the band prepare.

The groom's father in the middle of the reception starting screaming profanities at the bride's parents, wedding planner, bride and groom. He got up and went to their family tables and got everyone up and they LEFT. Bride in tears, groom in tears, entire room silent.

They have never spoken again. The groom has reached out to his dad to no avail was sent a short email saying they were humiliated and will never forgive it. Bride and groom have had a baby since and still no contact.

Really?

It is just a day. It doesn't define who you are. It sounds like it will be a lot of family drama. Do you think it would be enjoyable?

I might be glad, yes I think I would be not to have to be there. AS for your son - you didn't cause this and you can't control it. You could tell family members to make their own decisions and leave you out of the mix. The wedding is in July no? Have mom hold off on RSVP. Let things calm down.

Most of all I would suggest not contacting your son anymore about it. Yo have reached out with no response yet. He will contact you but knowing men, he isn't going to if he thinks its going to be unpleasant - not right now.

Rise above it all.

Sorry this is continuing….I hope today is a better day.

CodeJob

RedATL, yikes! Such a juicy wedding story!! But it is just a day.

Amy, perhaps the best thing is to insist your mom and sisters attend ON your behalf. That you love son so much you want them there in attendance to support him and his bride. This is a painful situation.

Florence

Amy, when my anti-anxiety tools stop working, I need new tools.

amy55

Redatlanta,

I was already uninvited before I got that email. That email was my son reaching out to me. When I read where he said, that the invitations can't be changed, I was assuming here that he still wasn't inviting me to the wedding, but that he would like to try to work on "us" after his wedding. This totally confused me.

I still don't know what it is about the wedding invitation that couldn't be changed !!! Was it because he decided to have the printers address all of the invitations, or was it that he didn't list me on it as "mother - of - the - groom"? Anyway, I'm not dwelling on the actual wedding invites. Whatever was done was done.
______________
I have been asking my mother to put off her not going to this. I tried to talk her into going, she won't budge. I also approached my sister about this. She won't budge either. My sister refuses to go if I not there, and my mother isn't there.

Since I left my ex over 5 years ago, I have only spent one holiday, on the actual holiday, and it was with my son, about 4 years ago when he wanted me to meet his girlfriend. I also spent 2 other holidays with them, but not on the day of the holiday. I almost never get birthday call, holiday calls, or mothers day calls from them. I also don't get cards.

So this December I lost it. I had "expectation". I expected that they would set a day to have x-mas with me. I didn't even care if it was Christmas Eve, x-mas day, or whatever. I just wanted a day in December to spend with my family for x-mas. So a few days before x-mas I called them and said that I was mailing out their gifts. They didn't like that, and everything "went south" after that. I was accused of putting myself on the cross, of having a pity party for myself. Then I came out with the worst thing ever. I said, I don't understand how, since I left, your dad gets invited to all of these, but you can't make time for me. I should have left my ex out of it.

So for now, I did what I could. If I do anymore, that could be harassment. I had sent the email, and I had called and left a message. That's all I can do. Now I Let Go, Let God.

It helped a lot typing this out.

I got up today, and I guess I intended on wallowing in self pity today. I didn't. I had things that I had to do today. I'm going to my friends house tomorrow for Easter. Had to pick up some things for Easter, and also both of their birthdays are this month, so I picked up birthday presents for them.