readerbaby71

Although I'm in a pretty good place in my life right now, I don't know if I can go on in this relationship. While I was in Florida my bf became depressed and blew off work. I caught him lying about it immediately. He said even though he's not drinking he reverted to old behaviors and habits and has to pretty much start from scratch with his recovery. When i first found out I flipped my f-ing lid on the phone. I was still in Florida at the time. Then I calmed down and we spoke about it when I got home. I told him I cannot be with someone who lies to me and kind of left things open-ended. What is a relationship without intimacy and trust? Nothing. I can't even remember the last time we had sex. Now I can't trust him. What is the fricking point?

I find myself becoming increasingly angry and resentful. This is not the kind of relationship I envisioned having as a 43-year-old woman. I'm just tired of the whole thing. We're going to see his therapist together on Wednesday and I am going to lay it all out. I think this time it means the end. It's just so depressing. I know I'll be okay, but it is so disheartening. I have a lot going for me right now and this is really the only thing bringing me down. I don't even know how we can possibly work it out. I do want to wait until we're at the therapist's office so I don't flip out and say things I don't mean. Maybe that's cowardly of me, but so be it.

Thanks for listening.

CodeJob

ReaderBaby, I was going to tease you that you must be my RAHs other woman, but then he is willing to go to therapy so it can't be him!

I am sorry to hear your SO is backsliding in behaviors. Hugs! My qualifier should hit one year sober this week and he is not going to be the poster child for the BB promises of recovery.

Raider

I'm so sorry.

Mango blast

It doesn't sound cowardly at all. If in doubt of what I want to hash over, I often wait, it becomes clearer and has me looking inward. That's when I'm have a better idea of what I want.

Has he started his recovery over or just talked about doing that?

readerbaby71

He is working his recovery again. Actually he's at a meeting right now. His manager called and they want to give him another chance at his job. We had a talk today but I'm still waiting until Wednesday to let it all out. When I'm not feeling angry I just feel numb about the whole situation. Ugh. I don't get it. He's such an amazing, caring and understanding person sometimes, yet he'll lie to me at the drop of a hat?! It's mind boggling.

Mango blast

Does he lie when he's in active recovery, or when it's a relapse like this? Even if it is a dry relapse. Has he ever gone through a formal rehab program?

What impressed me was my husband's honesty during rehab and coming out of it. That was starting to loosen up before his relapse. Not lies, but his value system was slipping. Now that integrity is back. Two of our kids are very honest, one mostly so... and one has sometimes had a tendency to lie and not want to come clean. Maybe it's a self-esteem thing with him. He's gotten more honest as he's matured.

lillamy

I think the other thing that would bother me is that he blew off work when you left town -- as if he couldn't do it when you were "supervising" him. His behavior is still as if you are the parent and he is the teenager... and who needs that?

I'm glad you have a counseling appointment. I think it will be much easier to lay it all out for him when you have an objective mediator in the room. Good luck! And yes -- you will be OK.

HealingWillCome

This was my life for 5 years with xabf. I spent the last half of my 40s with a man who cycled through active alcoholism/addiction and recovery. I can't tell you how many times I said the exact things you shared here.

I don't completely regret the time that we were together. He is not a bad man, just a man with a bad illness. When he was in recovery, we were connected and happy and life was beautiful. In active addiction, he was a different person. He was headed for another relapse when I decided it was time to reclaim my life.

I still love him, but from a distance, and I am at peace with that. I have reclaimed my happiness. I got myself back and it's pretty damn awesome. It also feels good to know that I set him free to make his own choices. He's a grown man, after all. Not mine to make do as I wish or fit my mold. I never wanted to be his mother, just wanted a partner that would help me to grow while I encouraged him in the same way, but we couldn't find that permanent place together.

I know that you are in a very difficult place. No matter what you decide, you have my understanding and support. As long as you are caring for and honoring yourself along your journey, you will be on the right path.

Stung

Ugh. That sucks RB. No advice from me, but I'm sending you a big hug. I think waiting until you see his therapist is actually doing him a favor since he'll have support there when you lay everything out on the table for him. Will cutting him loose effect your new freelance job?

FeelingGreat

Hi RB, you must be very tired of this roundabout. I think it's great that your talk will be in front of a therapist who is hopefully skilled enough to help you clarify your thoughts and stop the discussion being side-tracked. Do what's best for you.

Florence

When mom's away, the man-children will play.

Me too. Once when I was pregnant with DD2, I had to take a business trip out of town for a week. It was a big deal for me to be travelling at this stage of my pregnancy, and I really wanted my partner to take extra care of me when I got home. He was presumably doing well at the time. Instead I found out he got fired for blowing off his job while I was out of town. Mine relapsed and -- pew! -- was out the door again for a relapse vacation. I rubbed my own swollen ankles.

JustAGirl1971

That sucks I have no words of advice. As for waiting until you're at the therapist's to tell him.... I don't think that's chicken. I think it's wise. It gives you time to be certain how you feel (as opposed to how you felt during the 'crisis'), time to strengthen your resolve, and time to formulate what you want to say. That way, you're not just spewing but instead, speaking from a place of honesty. I'm sorry, RB.

FireSprite

I'm really sorry RB, these setbacks in recovery really truly suck.

Not that it's any consolation, but I know exactly what you are talking about with this:

Until his relapse last fall, RAH was horrible about continuing this behavior despite being dry from alcohol for a very long time. It was like he just could. not. change. this. habit. But I also think that he wasn't seeing it - seeing how knee-jerk it was for him. Another point we decided on (after the fact) was that we have different definitions & thresholds for "lies". I think being raised by a compulsive liar (MIL) he has a much higher threshold of acceptance for what qualifies as "little white lies" and "lies of omission" & was absolutely baffled when I would react to them - interpreting my reaction as over-the-top compared to the crime itself. That clarity also helped me to see why he would think act so baffled & offended when we would argue about it - he quite seriously hadn't realized he'd done anything wrong. He has to make a conscious effort to choose different words & include information he would normally ignore as unimportant. He wasn't always this way - it started moreso to cover his secret drinking & then (I think) the habit became a rote as his problem drinking ramped up into alcoholism.... like an addiction "tool" the same way we have recovery tools. Now he has to re-train himself to drop the habit.

I think waiting for the therapy appt to air this all out is just plain SMART, good luck!

HopefulinFLA

I hear ya RB! Did you extract these words from my head?

I think being in a relationship with someone who is in recovery takes a LOT of patience, and tolerance of backsliding. It's something you have to expect and really want to do. If this isn't for you anymore, there's no shame in moving on. It's your life, and it needs to be what you want it to be.

Hammer

sooooo.

How's the freelance writing going?

Or is the topic?

Norasq

I'm very sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are feeling so sad and it is hard to walk away from the idea you have of how things COULD be. But recognizing that things ARE bad now is a good bit of clarity.

When I was struggling about what to do and whether to leave my 20 year marriage, one thing that was helpful to me was to just look at my AH's behaviors. I'd spent so much time trying to figure out WHY he acted the way he did, and getting wrapped up in if X changed then the behavior would change, etc... But at some point it occurred to me that it didn't matter WHY he did what he did, I didn't like living with the behaviors. The causes of things didn't matter, when it boiled down to: He's lying to me. I should be able to trust my partner. He's saying insulting things to me. I want to be with someone who is kind to me. On and on. It helped me clarify that I didn't need to worry about whether his difficult behaviors were caused by drinking, or how much drinking, or had he taken xanax too on top of it, or was he sober but just mean, etc. I could choose that regardless of any of that, I didn't like the behaviors and choose to leave them behind.

It's been hard. But sorting out things in terms of realizing I didn't trust what he said and I didn't respect what he did and he was often mean or hurtful helped me realize I didn't have to decide why.

Hugs to you.

readerbaby71

He went to rehab in December and was doing well for a while. A couple of months ago he told me about an incident that happened in the fall where he had to go to court. He took care of it on his own but shared it with me because he said he was tired of living a lie, and wanted to be honest with me and himself going forward. He says his lying stems from bad reactions he got from his aunt who raised him and abusive relationships he's had in the past. I know that and frankly I do not care. I'm tired of that excuse. It's been used enough. He knows the issue and has been working on it but immediately reverted to lying when things got uncomfortable.

If he had just told me about not going to work instead of lying about it I might have been upset, but it's the lying that really got to me. I am pretty even-tempered and try not to be reactionary, but I ended up flipping out anyway because he lied. How can I respect someone who lies to me and doesn't even give the people he works with the courtesy of quitting or calling off? How incredibly immature. And as lilamy said, why the hell would I want to be with someone who acts like I'm the parent and they're doing something "wrong" just because I'm away? It's ridiculous. I told him that today.

We usually go to a heart of recovery meditation meeting tonight, but I told him to go alone. He wasn't going to but I said, "ask yourself--are you making excuses? You said you wanted to get honest with yourself again. Your recovery cannot depend on what I'm doing or whether I'm going to the meeting. I already meditated today and I need some time alone. Go if you want." He went, sighing loudly as he left the house. LOL.

I am so tired of the "poor me, boo-hoo" ****. Really. The negativity coming from him puts a pall over everything.

It sucks because every single thing he's doing right now is getting on my nerves. I hate feeling like that. I am really hoping that the therapy session tomorrow is cathartic for both of us.

Thanks for your input everyone! I really appreciate it. The writing is going well and I also have a babysitting gig that will bring in some extra cash.

dandylion

readerbaby--I can't remember if he has considered going to AA. It is a program of rigorous honesty--the step work.

I think honesty has to become a habit (practice, practice, practice) just like lying seems to become a habit--a way of life for the practicing alcoholic.

If you have habitual lying--you haven't got trust--if you haven't got trust---you haven't got much of a relationship......sigh!

dandylion

readerbaby71

That's just it, he stopped actively working on his recovery and going to meetings. Eventually the negative behaviors came back. It's a lifelong process and takes A LOT of work. Either you put in the work or you don't. We'll see what happens. I know when I became apathetic about my recovery about six years ago I ended up falling into a deep, deep depression and getting fired from my job. I couldn't pull myself up for almost two years. I never want that to happen again, and I won't let it.

readerbaby71

just wanted to add.....when he came home from rehab I decided to be totally hands off with his recovery. I am proud of myself for that, and now it feels like I am having a relapse too because I find myself telling him what he should and should not do to help himself right now. It's so frustrating! When I saw that he was neglecting his recovery I kept telling myself, "it's his recovery, he'll work it out on his own...blah blah blah...." The thing is I don't WANT to be his parent or police him. I'm not even worried about him drinking. I know there's nothing I can do to control anything he does. I am just tired of it affecting me negatively, and I do care about him. It sucks to see him falling apart again.