Originally Posted by
keepingthefaith 
Does he lie when he's in active recovery, or when it's a relapse like this? Even if it is a dry relapse. Has he ever gone through a formal rehab program?
What impressed me was my husband's honesty during rehab and coming out of it. That was starting to loosen up before his relapse. Not lies, but his value system was slipping. Now that integrity is back. Two of our kids are very honest, one mostly so... and one has sometimes had a tendency to lie and not want to come clean. Maybe it's a self-esteem thing with him. He's gotten more honest as he's matured.
He went to rehab in December and was doing well for a while. A couple of months ago he told me about an incident that happened in the fall where he had to go to court. He took care of it on his own but shared it with me because he said he was tired of living a lie, and wanted to be honest with me and himself going forward. He says his lying stems from bad reactions he got from his aunt who raised him and abusive relationships he's had in the past. I know that and frankly I do not care. I'm tired of that excuse. It's been used enough. He knows the issue and has been working on it but immediately reverted to lying when things got uncomfortable.
If he had just told me about not going to work instead of lying about it I might have been upset, but it's the lying that really got to me. I am pretty even-tempered and try not to be reactionary, but I ended up flipping out anyway because he lied. How can I respect someone who lies to me and doesn't even give the people he works with the courtesy of quitting or calling off? How incredibly immature. And as lilamy said, why the hell would I want to be with someone who acts like I'm the parent and they're doing something "wrong" just because I'm away? It's ridiculous. I told him that today.
We usually go to a heart of recovery meditation meeting tonight, but I told him to go alone. He wasn't going to but I said, "ask yourself--are you making excuses? You said you wanted to get honest with yourself again. Your recovery cannot depend on what I'm doing or whether I'm going to the meeting. I already meditated today and I need some time alone. Go if you want." He went, sighing loudly as he left the house. LOL.
I am so tired of the "poor me, boo-hoo" ****. Really. The negativity coming from him puts a pall over everything.
It sucks because every single thing he's doing right now is getting on my nerves. I hate feeling like that. I am really hoping that the therapy session tomorrow is cathartic for both of us.
Thanks for your input everyone! I really appreciate it. The writing is going well and I also have a babysitting gig that will bring in some extra cash.