paige73

I've never "aired" my dirty laundry, it's not my style. So, this is the first time that I've posted about this stuff.

My husband is an alcoholic, he's been to rehab multiple times, we've suffered a bankrupcy, he's lost a great job, we have been separated, he's had a DUI, lost his DLs for a year, kids have seen us fight, police have been to the house, and he's been abusive in the past.

We've been married 17 yrs. He has progressively gotten worse. He lies, manipulates, is paranoid, selfish and not reliable.

All that being said, why am I still with him? Why can't I find the strength to move on?

dessy

Im in same situation and dont know why im still here either. I have started looking for rental house but leaving our home paying mortgage and rent is scarying me. Hugs know how u feel

Refiner

Sry you're in this situation, Paige but you've come to the right place to learn. Can you support yourself financially?

Florence

It takes time. Waking up is a long process too, and you're so beaten down by the disease it's difficult to take on the challenge of starting over.

Thank you for reaching out to us on this board. This is a VERY ACTIVE and lively community with LOTS of experience. Keep talking, keep sharing. You are anonymous and private here. Talking about the secret is one of the biggest steps you can take.

More will be here soon to welcome you. Keep sharing, keep reading. You are not alone.

Pia

Hi paige73- It's very hard to give up on someone you have been in love with for a long time. Check out the book Codependent no More by Melody Beattie from Amazon. There are activities that you do and you will gain insight about your feelings and how to help yourself.
Also have your tried to attend Al-Anon?

paige73

Thanks everyone. Yes, I can support myself. Funny thing is, I went to nursing school and graduated in 2007, so that I'd have something to fall back on. I just "KNEW" our life would end with him dead, in jail, running off with another woman and me with 3 kids to support.

One kid is in college and the other 2 are in HS...so, I think I could make ends meet on my own. It's just difficult to make that decision.

paige73

I haven't been to Al-Anon....I'm so afraid people will think I'm crazy for still being with him and I'm embarrassed beyond belief.

HopefulinFLA

Paige one of the things I love about alanon is the opportunity to share in a non judgmental environment with people who really get it. Everyone is in the same boat. I always feel stronger and lighter when I leave a meeting.

ladyscribbler

The last thing anyone would do at an Alanon meeting is question why you stay with an alcoholic. I think it's the one place on earth you can count on NOT getting asked that question. Hugs. Stay strong and thanks for posting.

dessy

Wow im a nurse to and went back to do it when i was 30. I have 4 kids 24,20,14 and 5. After 25yrs its hard to give up on the hope. It just seems too difficult to leave but also to painful to stay. One step at a time my friend

FireSprite

Welcome to SR Paige! I think Al-Anon is the one place where you WON'T receive this kind of treatment. We know, we've BTDT, we've all had things happen that we thought could never happen in our lives. No judgement, just support. If it's something you are interested in attending, I hope you are able to make time for it.

mauihope

I have the same questions. It's hard to give up on the "dream" of what could/should be. It's a day to day thing for me and some days are better than others. There are a lot of us going through the same thing and it's nice to have a place to go to and have that support.....peace

MissFixit

HI!

It is great that you are reaching out! Keep doing it.

No one in al-anon will think you are crazy. You might surprised at how many other people are in your shoes.

lillamy

Another side of that is -- once you actually say "my husband is an alcoholic" it's like... you can't un-say it. You can't un-admit it. To yourself more than anything else. As long as you are just living with that secret, you can tell yourself that "it's not that bad" and "at least he's not [insert whatever it is he's not doing - yet].
Originally Posted by paige73 View Post
You'll be surprised at how many people at Al-Anon are still living with their As. My old home group had a handful of elderly ladies who were of a generation when women didn't have an education -- they have nothing to fall back on, no credit history, no job opportunities -- and those ladies were at the same time inspiring and frightening to me: Inspiring, because despite it all, they had found a way to live a good life with an A still in the house. Frightening, because I had thought my AXH would drink himself to death before the age of 60 -- there were women whose AHs were in their 80s and still drinking daily.

So what I'm saying is -- I really, really doubt you'd find judgment at Al-Anon. On the contrary, you will probably find people who are in situations just like yours and who were once just as terrified to go to their first meeting...

atalose

When the pain of staying becomes greater than your fear of leaving is when you will make a decision for yourselves.

You have taken a big step for you today by posting here and getting involved for YOU! (Hugs)

Hope you stick around, lots to learn and the first thing I can tell you is there are no judgment’s in al-anon. In the rooms of al-anon everyone is there because someone they love struggles with alcohol. And many of the people at my meetings have remained married to active alcoholics because their own thinking and reactions to the alcoholic have changed to become more manageable. They have remained married by learning about and most importantly ACCEPTING – they don’t CAUSE the alcoholic to drink, there is no CURE for the disease and you can’t CONTROL it or them. They have learned to detach with love form the alcoholics drinking and behaviors. They have learned the importance of creating a separate life of their own and not all so consumed and enmeshed with the alcoholic’s drinking.

You gave SR a try why not give al-anon a try. You don’t have to speak or share, just sit and listen nothing is required of you other than an hour of your time.

Glad you found us!! and welcome.

airwick

I recently left my husband after 13 yrs. It hurts. I feel like I am the one that deserted him. I am now divorced, has full custody of my son, and finally have a home with no yelling or fighting. I started drinking more because I wanted to escape. Yet I was not escaping, I was getting more trapped I have not had a drink since St. Patricks...not long, but it's a start. I only experienced light withdrawls. A little shaky at first, tired and crying a lot. Now I'm a lot better. No Shakes, not tired....just aggravated easily. But I'm getting there and my son is happy I left. He's a smart kid (12) and see's how I am adjusting and is helping We help each other. I am not saying to leave, that is your decision. Yet for me, that was the best decision I have ever made in my life. That and quieting the alcohol

paige73

Thanks for the welcome....I will definitely read on here. I may consider a meeting, it just depends. I work full time and basically live like a single parent, I take care of all the household stuff too and bills, etc...so things are always hectic and unpredictable.

eaglesa1a

Paige, I'm speaking from the other side of the fence. I have broken my promises so many times even after having several years sobriety, as I did at the end of last week. Although I've never been physically abusive, the mental abuse can stick with you even longer.He's lucky you are still there as am I with my wife. This time I'm not sure what is going to happen,but I know I have to get right again. Just know that no matter what-ANYTHING bad that has happened has come from the alcohol and not from you. I hope he will try to get help. This past week I have looked into another angle-Rational Recovery. Whatever may work I hope you find peace

SoloMio

Paige, I'm with you. I ask myself that question often--and I've been married 37 years! Don't be embarrassed! In Al-Anon there will be people just like us here on this board who have BTDT. No judgment, just sharing experience, strength and hope.

Take your time to learn more and regain your sanity. Welcome!

LoveMeNow

I stayed because I was in a FOG....

FEAR
OBLIGATION
GUILT

I had to work on my fear first. Fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of making it on my own, fear, fear, and more fear. Once I worked on my fear, the rest became so clear.

Eventually the pain of staying outweighed the fear of leaving....but first I had to find myself somewhat again. The healthier person inside my head starting taking the lead again. Thank God!!