redatlanta

I loved being single LOVED it. Always had great sex book of reg booty call when the need arose if I didn't have a boyfriend. Not answering to anyone. Doing what I want when I wanted. Ahhhh - those were the days. I didn't get married until I was 43.

Now, I do love being in a relationship. Have often been curious if I ever became single again if I would stay that way, or if I have switched teams so to speak, and would yearn for another relationship.

When RAH relapsed if circumstances had been different I doubt we would be together. He moved into my house so getting out of the relationship became complicated. If all I had to do was pack my stuff and move then I think I would have. Instead it would have been me moving out for 90 days or more with animals paying two mortgage then moving back in. I am glad now we stayed together, but I think this also plays into why people stay. Leaving can get complicated so sometimes we just persevere.

Carlotta

Thank Goodness because Lois threw her shoe at Bill but if you were to throw one of your work boots at Mrs Hammer, you could seriously hurt her

Hammer

Thanks, Red.

Question(s), then? I do not recall your/RAH details.

He was AA when you met/married?

And then relapsed?

And is now back in the Program AND working the Program?

Carlotta

In his story in the Big Book, he admits to stealing from Lois' wallet when she worked as a salesgirl (and probably was not earning much) and he was unemployable.

Hammer

Yep. Bill is a douchebag.

Those are the facts and not in dispute.

But even then, in Bill's case, as the theft is admitted to, and I guess hopefully amended per the Steps, at least that is that.

In our case -- when we were broke from covering Mrs. Hammer's Rehab, and she came back and we had to add on Therapy for her -- she was cashing the checks to get to steal our own household money, and then making false receipts. Caught her barehanded on that, and still no repentance. Just defiant resentment. Classic Dry Drunk.

It is that whole "Working the Program" and Rigorous Honesty (per Chapter 5 AA Big Book opening) that separates Recovery from Dry Drunk.

But as any avid Reader of the Big Book will note -- Bill lies about the sex and affairs -- which were the thing that haunted and made him a predator all the rest of his days in AA.

Aeryn

I'll add on to what redatlanta said - I LOVE being single - I do not miss marriage even ONE bit. Now I will be honest about my circumstances - I'm legally separated (not divorced) from my XRAH and our agreement is we are free to do whatever we want and if we want to when he has a year of sobriety we may or may not explore our relationship again...for now we are friends only. We are free to see others and if we find a relationship in the meantime so be it that is what was meant to be.

BUT...I love the arrangement - I like that it's not traditional I love that we don't go around following some lame set of rules and I LOVE being FREE. Free to hang out what whom I want when I want. Free to pursue whatever interest I want when I want. Free to start a new business (I am starting one) free to pursue my writing whenever I want and free to have any relationship I want or not. I'm dating - currently a younger guy and it's GREAT.

I don't miss trying to live the traditional "perfect" life - guess what it's not perfect at all and most people I know spend more time trying to convince other people how "happy and great" their marriage is than it actually is...once I got to know said people I found they either were complacent in the marriage or extremely unhappy but staying to be "in a relationship" and "a happy life". OR my favorite "for the kids" - well I was one of those kids and the kids know and it affects the kids forever...I hold resentments toward my mother to this day (yeah yeah issues for me). Anyway my point being if everyone that wasn't happy got out (normies and all) I'm betting we would have a lot more happy people in the world.

Will I get married again? Will the XRAH remain sober and we rekindle? Will I stay with this hot young guy? Well I don't know but it's currently great and although I have some bad days here and there I am overall happy and happier than I was any time in the last four years of my marriage to an active A. Sure he's an RA right now but who knows what the future holds with that or with us...we will see...I'm definitely not sitting around on my hands waiting for some fantasy. I'm moving forward and what will be will be.


DO I WANT TO BE LOIS? Hell NO!!! In fact she was a very many things I strive never to be.

Mountainmanbob

understood and most are not
but
this does bring up an interesting point
when should one leave the drunk
in Lois's case long suffering did seem to pay off in the end
one reason why
I get a little hurt when some tell the drunks partner
to jump ship fast and run for your life

question
have some left before they saw the miracle happen ??

Mountainman

caution not a popular response

redatlanta

He was sober 9 years when I met him. He had not been active in AA for 4. He relapsed in 2012. Couple months. He did not return to AA he did not want to. He has the utmost respect for AA but chose a private therapist which he has maintained since then.

I'd say yes he continues to work the program. Wasn't immediate that he did that after stopping drinking but has for the past year.

Hammer

How do you figure THAT?

She got to eat every bite of Bill's Sh1t Sandwich or what?

Not too great a risk there, let me tell you.

All Good, We Be Friends.

Hammer

Understood.

All good by me.

We would not be having this conversation if that were our case.

Thanks for helping me compare notes.

================

In *our* case she has a T the last year whom she selected to bs. Good T only lasted two weeks after they discussed the underlying mental illness.

She is sandbagging the program and totally bullsh2ting her way through being T on this stuff herself.

Looks like a real train wreck coming ahead. I am looking for me and the kids in the passenger cars to be switching tracks before the crash happens.

redatlanta

Circumstances and changes in the dynamics of our lives while difficult I believe aided, or are the bases for why he did seek a "program". I was laid off my job in early 2013. We knew it was coming. Had decided to open our own business. He is retired - has rental properties in Florida and when he moved here he really had nothing to do. An idle mind is the devil's playground…...

Additionally he was diagnosed BP II in August 2012 mid-relapse. Came off the SSRI which weren't helping for 10 years (lol I have a feeling you understand). Quit drinking Oct 2012. Nov - February weren't great with dry drunk mentality and continued perpetuating stress in the marriage. Once we started working on business I think he felt that he had some value and I started seeing changes then. He decided to get a therapist in April because I had had it. In July my father got seriously ill. At that point I needed all the support I could get and he gave it to me.

I think with all that going on I stopped focusing on his issues totally 100%. That made it better too. Been a tough year all the way around except inside my home.

His therapist is a MF. I say that with all due respect. A neuropsychiatrist who understands all his meds and issues (diabetic too). A godsend.

Hawkeye13

You sound pretty unhappy Hammer.

What does "switching tracks before the crash" mean in non-geek speak?

I don't think anyone could have worked harder to work it out than you, but it does take two.

RevivingOphelia

We have a finite time on this earth. I can't think of anything sadder, damaging, and potentially dangerous, than waiting for a "miracle" -- for things to change -- when one is in an unbearable situation and with someone who treats them horribly.

If someone is physically or emotionally abusive (often the case with addicts/alcoholics) would a counsellor/therapist advise them to WAIT and HOPE that their pattern will change? Um, no, b/c it's a completely unhealthy way to live.

People owe themselves (and their children if applicable) a good life; those who have addiction and/or are abusive, need to sort out their issues alone.

LoveMeNow

. I really needed this today....right now!!

Mountainmanbob

although not a fan of Bill W
your post caused me to do a little more studying up on the matter
my thoughts regarding sobriety are that once sober
there are still many old ideas that the recovered one must let go of
I didn't truly realize what a slimball Bill was

************************************************** *************

Bill W.'s Disturbing Behavior

Additionally, Bill Wilson struggled with depression throughout all his recovery that was so severe at times that he would hold his head in his hands and weep, he wasn't able to respond to questions and he couldn't get out of bed. Sometimes it was accompanied by heart palpitations, a stomachache and feeling sick all over. His wife, Lois, often referred to him as "almost a hypochondriac" and he sometimes experienced hysteria and breathing problems that he felt he couldn't control.

Bill's behavior indicated that he also had a very active sex addiction that completely ruled his life and often threatened to destroy everything he had worked for. Bill Wilson's sex life is not well known or talked about because people of AA "shrouded it in secrecy." It was intentionally kept out of official AA literature and archives because it would have a negative impact on the AA movement.

choublak

The drunks from the movie I saw (I think it was My Name is Bill W) would rob them though.

DesertEyes

Okay folks, it' like this. The purpose of SoberRecovery is to share personal Experience, Strength and Hope so that other may pick and choose what they like.

This is not a gossip website. Talking about people long dead is not in our charter. If you want to gossip, go to our "Cafe" forum. If you want to ask for experience, start a new thread.

This thread is now closed.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery