I am . . . . Not Lois.
 

Been having fun lately with the start of local Saturday Alanoon meeting.

When we go around the room with the Introductions and everyone says, "Hi, I am . . . . "

Last week it was, "I am Sam I Am." (yunno from Doctor Suess, Green Eggs and Ham)

About half the room starts to say, "Hi Sam" . . . and then stops and says -- No, your name is . . ."

This week it was, "I am Happy, Joyous and Free."

Yeah, annoying jerk. Folks love or hate me. No middle ground. :)

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But here is what I am thinking. About Lois Wilson (Bill W's long devoted and suffering wife).

Any of the Hard Core, Long Term Alanannies or Alanoners on here understand her?

And why she would put up with the DECADES of Bill W's Dry Drunk Douchebaggery?

I really do not think I am inclined to.

I am . . . . Not Lois.

I think the world was a very different place back then. Before women's rights and equal opportunities. Marriage was a woman's job/financial means/identity/purpose/social acceptance. I was born after ERA stuff, so I do not know what it was like for those women, but it sounds horrible. Marriage as duty and all that. Yuck.

I think she wanted to maintain her marriage and he was very dominant over her. Not to mention the "charm" that many A's have.

I remember in one of the movies about Bill and Lois, after Bill had found recovery he would bring random drunks into their house, but this was before AA existed.

Why do women (and some men) put up with days, months, or decades of abuse or addiction or both?

I'll posit some reasons as to why women, from Lois to women today, remain with jerks:

Women, by and large, are STILL raised to think it's their duty to remain the devoted wife/mother. Some do not have the emotional strength to leave. Some do not have the financial means to leave. Some are too scared to face the world alone. Others do not want to give up any vestige of privilege (financial/social) that they may be experiencing by staying with their spouse. Some feel safer in the mirage of a relationship than no relationship at all and use elaborate methods of denial and rationalizations to justify their choice to stay.

They'd rather have a douchebag of a man than no man b/c a woman is taught from a young age that her value is somehow tied to being with one. Some women choose to remain in a shell of a marriage rather than find the strength and face the prospect of being on their own because they don't know HOW they are going to forge ahead with an independent life. Lois probably had even less opportunities to create a new life without Bill. Child/Spousal support laws were not the way they are today. Employment opportunities were also limited for women.

I think it's awesome you don't equate yourself with Lois.

But do you all understand that is was Lois who actually had the real job and paid the real bills? The house they finally wound up with was a pity gift from someone else.

Yeah.

That A "charm" thing I hear of from time-to-time.

My A must have been missing class that day or something.

I guess the AA Gossip Girls stop by our house from time-to-time.

Even when I am not here, I wind hearing about from the kids because it starts with, "Mom was saying (telling lies) ______________ about you to so and so . . . . "

I guess I am still around because of the kids. So that is a duty thing. They asked me to hold things together . . . so. For a long while I was also in the "my little buddy (Mrs. Hammer) is hurt and needs help" mode. But not so much any much any more.


Do you follow that as far as the money and Bill and Lois, it was pretty much the other way around?

She went to work and he was basically a bum?


And I think A's who actually work the program are pretty Awesome, too.

Good for YOU.

Nope, didn't know that. That was rare for back then. I guess she didn't want to break up the family unit or be without him, no matter how useless he was? Thanks for the info!

Thanks for the kudos on my sobriety. I don't work THE program. I work my own kinda recovery! ;)

Good luck with your situation and have a great day :)

Classic Codie/Enabler move - fear of what will happen to THEM if you leave.

May also be a little "better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't" mentality as well.

Some women only feel good about themselves when they are part of a couple. Super codependence. Some women define their identity through a man. It is a gender thing that fortunately is being evolved out socially. The most important thing for them is to be in a marriage. That is the only way they can accept themselves. They are very afraid to be alone ultimately.

To be single (like myself) there is A LOT of self confidence I must have to get along in the world...and I am even in a relationship right now. Single women are about as welcome as lepers in most social situations where I live in the south. Most women cannot handle that.

I guess I do not figure I would be alone too long.

Am not really inclined to be, and do not really want to be.

Like guys on work sites say about jobs . . . Was looking for one when I found this one. (meaning they can get another next week -- fairly effective way to blow-off Drama Based management.)

I was looking for a wife when Mrs. Hammer showed up and "applied" for the job. I know that sounds like a bad joke, but really exactly what happened.

In some of the groups I travel with there are a couple of long-term single women, and most everyone seems good with that. But we is nerds. Some folks seem to freak over the single guys, thinking about it.

Not that it matters one way or another to me...but I agree lois lived in another time and place. I dont really know much about Lois and Bills relationship. But maybe Lois didnt like boys so she really didnt care so much about Bill except that she maybe just needed a "husband". Just devils advocate since your poseing a thought provoking question. You cant speculate about what/why makes someone choose what they do to sometimes just survive. So we can only do what we need for us ourselves to survive in our own unique situations I guess?

You have self confidence. Me too. You know your relative value and believe that someone else might/will like you find you attractive. Not all women/people think like that. It is sort of a one shot deal with them...several divorced women I know are like that. Don't know why.

Think was how things worked for the Roosevelts, huh?

(FDR and Eleanor, that is).

Eleanor Roosevelt - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

All those "sister wives" dont so much mind shareing either! Just shows to go ya...there is some body for everybody! And we choose our destiny in some ways.

Actually thats HOW AA started... The first meetings were in their home. Wives waited in the cars until lois started having them in the kitchen for coffee. At least thats how I remember the movie I saw years ago.

Hammer, if you were in my meeting I would be cross talking and cutting up.

I've been thinking why I stay.
1. Fear of failure. Coming to grips with spirituality/sin of divorce.
2. Fear I still love him though this feeling is transient (damn my heart)
3. Realization I'd just pick another emotionally mucked up partner (devil u know)
4. Family unit - lack of family in area to help/support so single mom is SOLO
5. Comfort in routine - divide of work/cost of living by a dedicated partner
6. Fear of being alone - though I feel this way in relationship
7. This man is my best friend and in some ways he does know me better than anyone
8. Fear of making a final decision
9. Fear of abandonment - mine and his
10. I promised time - I've made it to Step 4 in 11 mo so I try to focus on me and not RAH

so let's compare notes.

Well, we never really were married, and at this point she is lying to her work place that she is a divorced single mother. Yunno, the struggle and burden. :lmao This of course, is the same Local Rehab where I do the Alanon Family program.

That "fear" is fading fast. See, the way things are suppose to work is "To Love and Be Loved." Users do not love anyone but themselves and that/whom they are using. And even that is doubtful in this case.

Probably, Absolutely, Not.

Far more concerned about the Drama / Trauma she would/will inflict on the kids.

I would not know about that. In general, she supports as little as she can, takes all she can, and does the least she can. No dedication at all. Unless it is on some major destructive tear.

She used to be my Little Buddy. But once a Borderline has been given all there is, then they try to take all there may be. She in the negative numbers, already.

I have thought that in the past, but her brain has been so whacked since Rehab, some days I think she may not even know where/who she is.

I do not tend to operate in fear. Has made part of the 4th Step hard.

That is what borderlines operate upon.

Yep. Doing my Steps. Part of what has me thinking

Hi hammer, I'm not familiar with the Bill and Lois story but would like to be. Is it a movie? Let me know if you would, please and I will check it out! I don't want to be a Lois either! :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lois_Wilson_(activist)

Lois' Story

Lois Wilson - The Lois Wilson Story When Love is Not Enough by William Borchert

Lois Wilson - How Lois Wilson Coped With Her Husbands Addiction