Thinking

Inside your own head belongs to you. Private conversations whether online or in real life belong to you and the person you are talking to. You are entitled to privacy.

More than that you are entitled to the security of knowing that no one can misuse your accounts in any way (particularly an illegal one). Never share your password with anyone no matter how close they are to you. YOU are legally responsible for what happens through your online accounts.

Next time he picks a fight about what you said in a private conversation, remember that YOU are the one who should be angry for the invasion of your privacy. Don't justify the contents of your private conversations to him because they are YOURS and PRIVATE.

Thlayli

I'd wondered about neglect charges as well. I think his leaving him like that may also be a controlling technique...I'll stay home more often if I'm afraid I can't trust him with DS (who, complicating things, is actually my bonus son. DH has primary custody and birth mom is a more obvious mess than my DH...sigh)

Thlayli

Private conversations. The other thing about reading peoples' private conversations is that you don't know what other conversations IRL or texting or whatever have been about. Sometimes not knowing the backstory can make messages seem to be what they're not. All of this reminded me of part of the story in one of the Chronicles of Narnia. I'll post it here if anyone is interested:
From C.S. Lewis’
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
(Lucy is looking through a book of spells to help save invisible dwarves from an evil sorcerer)
A little later she came to a spell which would let you know what your friends thought about you. Now Lucy had wanted very badly to try the other spell, the one that made you beautiful beyond the lot of mortals. So she felt that to make up for not having said it, she really would say this one. And all in a hurry, for fear her mind would change, she said the words (nothing will induce me to tell you what they were). Then she waited for something to happen.
As nothing happened she began looking at the pictures. And all at once she saw the very last thing she expected – a picture of a third-class carriage in a train, with two schoolgirls sitting in it. She knew them at once. They were Marjorie Preston and Anne Featherstone. Only now it was much more than a picture. It was alive. She could see the telegraph posts flicking past outside the window. Then gradually (like when the radio is “coming on”) she could hear what they were saying.
Shall I see anything of you this term?” said Anne, “or are you still going to be all taken up with Lucy Pevensie.”
“Don’t know what you mean by taken up,” said Marjorie.
“Oh yes you do,” said Anne. “You were crazy about her last term.”
“No, I wasn’t,” said Marjorie. “I’ve got more sense than that. Not a bad little kid in her way. But I was getting pretty tired of her before the end of term.”
“Well, you jolly well won’t have the chance any other term!” shouted Lucy. “Two-faced little beast.” But the sound of her own voice at once reminded her that she was talking to a picture and that the real Marjorie was far away in another world.
A few paragraphs later it is revealed that Aslan has been in the room with her and he addresses her.
“Child,” he said, “I think you have been eavesdropping.”
“Eavesdropping?”
“You listened to what your two schoolfellows were saying about you.”
“Oh that? I never thought that was eavesdropping, Aslan. Wasn’t it magic?”
“Spying on people by magic is the same as spying on them in any other way. And you have misjudged your friend. She is weak, but she loves you. She was afraid of the other girl and said what she does not mean.”
“I don’t think I’d ever be able to forget what I heard her say.”
“No, you won’t.”

Thlayli

And...is it bad form to hog my own thread?

I just got a shot of adrenaline because my DH just messaged me on FB. He's offended (I think) that what I posted last night might have something to do with him. I was looking at positive quotes on Pinterest because I was feeling down.

I put up two things:
1)"It's just a bad day. Not a bad life"
2) 1 Universe, 9 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and I had the privilege to meet you. And then I wrote this when I posted it: Yes, you! And you, and you...I often think I am very blessed because I've somehow managed to make so many wonderful friends and meet such interesting people. Hugs!

So he PMd me:

DH: Nice 'pinterests', so what are you trying to say?
.
Me: Just what they look like. One, I think can be looked at as very Buddhist "this too shall pass" and the other is a counting my blessings-type post. I was feeling down last night and decided to look up inspirational quotes. Those struck me so I posted them.
You're included in the people who have been a blessing to me I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now.

DH:whatever.

Me:It's hard for me too...but I'm looking hard for the good things that are there even if the clouds are covering

He's not talking now...but he hasn't really spoken to me for the past 3 days anyway so :P

ladyscribbler

Roller derby! You are a total bada$$! Honestly though, anyone who leaves a young child unsupervised so he can go drinking is not truly concerned for anyone's safety. This is all about control- the spying, the silent treatment, the drama over the passwords. Stick to your guns and don't let his nonsense get you down.

hopeful4

This.....

Please protect son. I keep thinking what if that poor child woke up to being home alone. My own child would be in sheer panic if that would happen.

Take care!

Florence

This is controlling behavior. It's not okay. Do not give him your passwords to anything, not your Facebook, your cell phone, your ATM card, or your SSN. He doesn't need them for anything other than to control you.

Leaving your child to go drink is also NOT acceptable behavior.

I agree with your sister. You're trying to make sense of craziness. I did this for a long time myself, and coming to understand what that meant was a trip in itself. What the subtext is is that you are living in craziness. You're in the circus with him. But you can get off the rollercoaster, hand the monkey back to the trainer, and go find a more peaceful and predictable way of life if you want to.

One of my favorite "detachment" sayings on SR is "Not my monkey, not my circus." You know how freeing it was to see my STBXAH descend into yet another alcoholic crisis and I didn't have to save him or manage the outcome to save myself? Not my monkey, girl.

Plus, nobody really wants to be a carnie.

KateL

I wasn't even friends with my ex on facebook when we were together, never mind give him my passwords. Alcoholic or not, no one should demand to be privvy to our conversations with people. It' like reading someone's diary or opening their post. Big NO NO! xxx

Thlayli

LOL! "not my monkey"

I think that's my new catch phrase!

Recovering2

Your AH is trying to protect his disease. It's common for alcoholic homes to operate on 3 unhealthy rules: "Don't talk", "Don't feel", and "Don't trust". As long as everyone cooperates with this, the A can remain in denial about how bad the addiction is. You broke Rule #1, so he's going to focus on that. The denial won't allow him to focus on the fact that he left a child alone. He's not interested in your need for support, he needs you to stay quiet.

Boundaries. Boundaries are for you. You are an adult. He is not your warden. Passwords are created for a reason. You have a right to your privacy. If you give him passwords, you have opened up a new can of worms. His disease will progress, it always does, and you will have no control over what happens with anything you've given him access to. Wait until he's high on Ambien and beer, and feels like sharing his opinions on your FB page. Oh Lordy.

When my RABF was still active in his disease, I "unfriended" him on FB. It was best for my own sanity and health to not see his page, and for him to not see my page. FB "friends" is not a requirement for a relationship, so I didn't give it any power.

I would change my FB password now, and consider taking him off your friend list. He'll likely get upset, that's okay. The A can have their reactions, we don't have to react to them however. Also, make sure when you are done on the computer to go into "history" and delete. Boundaries.

Thlayli

BTW - my other codie dilemma in this situation is that my husband is the primary custodian of this boy (my step-son) and he is by FAR the less screwed up parent. :/

He is part of a nursery rhyme I remember:
When he is good, he is very, very good
But when he is bad he is horrid

Part of what keeps us hooked I guess.

Thinking

If you need to get out of this relationship but don't because of your step-son then there are ways to keep him protected. You could go for custody yourself. You could take to social services where you live about alternative care for him. You could see if there is a grandparent/aunt/uncle that would take custody.

Document everything with details and dates. One day you might need it to rescue this little boy.

SeriousKarma

I've lived in both worlds. The one where I kept my mouth shut, and this one, where I don't. I like this world a whole lot better.

lillamy

You can't win with an addict. And I agree with Florence that his behavior is controlling.
What is he doing checking what you post on Pinterest? (What man has a Pinterest account anyway? I thought they checked when you sign up that you're female? )

My ex would do the same with FB -- if I posted something, he would go Spanish Inquisition on me about what it really meant. And when I liked someone's page (an author, a politician, a music group) he would ask me if I wanted to sleep with them. And my explanations were never good enough.

It's just control. Another way to make you feel insecure about yourself. Another way to isolate you.

RollTide

I haven't read all of the responses but what comes to mind that reminds me of my relationship with an alcoholic is this:

If you are on the defense then you can't be on the offense. If the subject is about your password then it is not about the bigger issue of him leaving your child unattended and his alcoholism.

My ex made a huge deal out of the fact that I had been married before (which had been discussed and had not been a problem before he and I were married.) I had not even thought about my ex in two decades but he became the major topic of discussion. When we were discussing that we were not discussing his latest alcoholic escapades. I now see it for what it was. I thank God for the day that I finally had enough.

ladyscribbler

Exactly. My ex also made a huge deal about me being divorced and having a son from that marriage, but somehow it was not an issue while we were dating. Only when we lived together and his drinking became a problem. It's all just noise to distract from the real problem. Remember that what we defend against we make real. Alcoholics are masters at blame shifting and denial.
I am similarly thankful for the day I finally had enough.

Chelsea1029

I love this, have to remember it...when I can not respond to the craziness it's so much better.

choublak

Wait what...he's stalking you on pinterest?

Thlayli

I found the quotes on Pinterest and posted them to Facebook.

choublak

Either way...who has time for that?