Thlayli

This isn't an alcohol question exactly. I haven't been on the boards regularly for a couple of years. DH has a long history of alcohol and drug problems. We've been together for about 6 years. He tends to have about 6 months sobriety between benders. He doesn't want help and just wants to stop on his own. He enjoys Buddhist readings and seems to benefit from them when he's consistent in his studies.

Anyway...the other night while I was out (I do theatre and was in a show) he decided to go to sleep and took an ambian but stayed up to read. I didn't show up when he expected me so he decided to wander down to the corner bar for a beer. He had been sober since October. When I came home just before midnight he was also just stumbling in. I was angry because he'd left our 5-year-old home alone while he was down the street.

Last night I accidentally left my Facebook open. He got on it and started to read my messages. He was furious when he saw that I'd been talking to my sister about the incident. I wasn't name-calling or calling him horrible. I was talking to her about MY feelings about it. He contends that I shouldn't be talking to anyone about him and asked how I'd like it if he talked to his family about our problems. I'd love for him to talk to them, or my family, or anyone. He has no one to confide in but me. Am I wrong for talking about this? I confide mostly in my sister but also in one or two other friends. They don't dislike him...just the choices he's making. He thinks they judge him.

On a related note: do you share passwords with your spouse? Mine wants my passwords because he doesn't trust me. Part of me doesn't mind but then there are out-of-the blue blow-ups when I accidentally leave my page open about messages he's read that are just none of his business.

lillamy

Classic alcoholic: I should be able to behave however I want but YOU are ruining our marriage by telling people the truth.

No. Not acceptable.
And no. Him not trusting you is HIS problem.

And a guy who leaves his kid alone to go get a beer shouldn't even have the right to vote. Let alone the right to tell YOU how to do anything.

Wisconsin

My personal opinion is that healthy, mature adults have a reasonable expectation of privacy in their relationships. I do believe that if there has been a major betrayal in a relationship (like infidelity), that total transparency becomes warranted, at least for awhile, in order to rebuild trust and work on repairing the relationship (if that's what both people want). But no...talking to your sister about your feelings regarding his behavior is in no way, shape, or form a betrayal of him. He is pissed that you exposed his ridiculous asshattery to someone, and has convinced himself (with the help of his disease) that he is now "entitled" to monitor your accounts.

I would tell him no way on the whole password thing.

Thlayli

Thank you, Lillami. Your words made me tear up but I needed them. It seems obvious when I read it. Why is it so hard to see and so easy to doubt myself?

My sister often tells me that I am trying to make sense out of nonsense and that is what muddles me.

Chelsea1029

Lullaby this helped me too. I have to keep reminding myself. Thlayli - your sister is right. I have to remember that too!
I did tell my AH - I only tell the truth, if you don't want people to know something you probably shouldn't be doing it.

ladyscribbler

Other responses are right on. He's being unreasonable and trying to distract and deflect from his own unacceptable behavior.
OT- I just had to say I love your sock monkies. My 5 yo son has a whole collection.

Pelican

I am married to a normie now (might have 6 beers a year, not in the same night). He knows the password to my computer.
He doesn't have a password on his computer.

He doesn't read my email, social media messages, and I don't read his. We don't read each others cell phone activity.

I guess you might call that trust, openness, honesty. But I think it has more to do with trusting myself enough to know I am OK and I will be okay no matter what he chooses to do.

I wouldn't share anything with an alcoholic that blames me for his having to go get drunk and leave a young child home alone. He was mad at you for not being home at a certain time, so he punished you and neglected a child with alcohol, wow!

I don't buy his ambian story. B.S.
He got stumbling drunk on alcohol.

I took ambian a few times on the advice of my doctor after my mother's death. Stopped because I hated it. But I couldn't take ambian (a sleep aid) and stay up to read! The only thing I could read was the back of my eyelids after taking Ambian.

trust your instincts, something is off with his request for access to your private communication

deeker

His behavior was wrong but I don't think posting it on an open forum like facebook was a good idea either. More people than you and your sister saw it right? Couldn't you text her?

Thlayli

I private messaged her using Facebook. I wouldn't post about him like that on my wall.

deeker

Ohh sorry, Then he was violating your privacy. If He doesn't want to feel bad
about how others think about him he needs to stop doing things that make him
look bad. lol

Just my opinion. He's lucky he made it home on ambien.

Thlayli

I used to take Ambian. I remember taking it when I read the last Harry Potter book. I'd stay up to read - and apparently did something bc my bookmark would be moved ahead several chapters. I just didn't remember any of what I'd read.

He likes to chew the pill when he takes it cause he likes the feeling :-/ it's a bad pill for an addict. He takes it regularly and will stay up for an hour or two after. No good having a conversation with him though...he won't remember.

deeker

Yah I was a mess on them. I would take 1, 2 and then after awhile I couldn't sleep for a whole week. And the weirdest thing happened. I'd be sitting like a zombie in my room and everything smelled really sour. EVERYTHING. My sheets, pillows, food, hand lotion. Like a crazy person I just started throwing things out in my house and it was all because of the ambien. I had a real weird reaction.My husband thought I was crazy, I was. Nothing really smelled it was all me.

Spinner-007

Your guy is not sober. The only thing he wants is control of his comfort, and getting into your private messages, etc, is one way to do it.

Sorry, no go on the share password thing. It's one place you can send and receive info, vent, etc and not feel like you have to guard yourself.

On a similar note:
my AW knows my handle on this site and periodically reads what I put out here. She then tries to ridicule me about it. Some of the things she says about us are truly amazing.

I somewhate feel guarded right now because she knows but I'm just not caring too much about it anymore.

So, no. I wouldn't do it.

lillamy

Babe, your post made me tear up. And see, this is why I keep coming back, four years after I left AXH. Because I see what you say, and it takes me straight back. I had a similar argument with my AXH regarding a password he demanded. I refused and he didn't speak to me for a week. Somehow, that was one thing I managed to hold on to when I had given everything else up. But I was NOT going to let him cut the last internet tie I had to support. Somewhere, I had that survival instinct deep down.

You know the other reason I'm still here? I can relate and remember -- but I can also see that it is possible to come out from under the thumb of a dysfunctional relationship. I can see where I was, I can see where I am now, and it gives me great peace to know that I have left the alcoholic marriage behind me, and I am getting healthier every day.

I wanted to tell you that, so that you know that it is a possibility, and it can happen, if you want it badly enough.

DoubleBarrel

He left a five year old all alone?

That's neglect. He's totally irresponsible. Guy near me just went to jail for that.

And the way he's taking ambien is to get high, not as medication.

Major red flags here.

BoxinRotz

Had a woman a few years ago leave her 3 yr old twins for what she said was 10 minutes. The house burnt to the ground and killed them. She was charged for their deaths as she should have been. You don't leave young children home alone!!!

I don't give my husband my passwords! I don't give my PW to ANYBODY!

Stung

My jaw dropped at the thought of leaving a 5 year old home alone to go to a bar. Holy crap. I agree that it's neglect. It's not like he ran to the store or a neighbor's house for a few minutes.

My husband is an alcoholic and I have access to all of his electronic passwords and financial accounts and he has been doing a whole slew of transparency related stuff with me. But that's because he's told me a LOT of lies and he's working on building trust during his very new found sobriety. He doesn't have access to my stuff but could if he wanted it. If he was still drinking I would say "hell no!!" if he asked for my passwords, not because there would be anything to hide but because I don't want someone who is out of control having access to my personal/private communication.

And for what it's worth, I told a LOT of people about how bad my husband's behavior was when he was actively drinking, it's not gossip or smack-talking, it's reaching out for support. I agree with the other posters that if he doesn't want you telling people about his douchiness then he needs to stop acting like a douche. I'm glad that you have a sister that you can confide in.

ladyscribbler

He sounds really self-centered and unreasonable like my ax. He used to read my private journals- that no one saw but me- and rage if he saw I'd written anything about him. Even in my most private thoughts I wasn't supposed to question his behavior. I was very isolated. I'm glad you have family and sr for support. Keep reaching out.

Thlayli

Thanks guys. I need to be on here more and pick up CNM again I think. When things are good I tend to slide away.

It's so...funny. He thinks I shouldn't have to talk to anyone about my stressors because he doesn't. I just want to look at him and say (a la Dr. Phil) "So how's that workin' for ya?" Seems like he desperately needs to talk to someone to keep all that sh*t from festering inside him.

I don't know that it's conscious but my sister also mentioned that he can't stand to see me happy b/c he's so miserable. So he tries to isolate me. He doesn't approve of what I do on-line or my outside activities (theatre - gone too much if I'm in a show and roller derby - too dangerous).

Thanks about the monkeys ladyscribbler. They were my addiction a few years ago. I'll see if I can find a pic. There were a few months at one point that I could NOT pass up a cute pair of socks. My own dip into addiction is with crafting. I will do it obsessively to the point of repetitive injury. Ridiculous.

wanttobehealthy

My xAH left our kids alone to go get alcohol several years ago... He left them when they were napping, went to the liquor store and then returned home and was drunk when I got back from work.

I reported it to Child Services and they told me that had I not reported it and the kids had reported to someone else that theyd been left home alone, I would have been EQUALLY responsible in their neglect as him.

It scared me to learn that and has stayed in my mind.

That's worrysome that your AH is leaving a 5 yr old home alone to go get drunk. And the ambien story as others have said, just doesn't add up.

Your AH is the one who has a severe problem with honesty and he is projecting his dishonesty onto you.

It's abusive for him to insist you not tell others about his behavior and that you share your passwords with him. That's controlling and not okay.