All of my brother's tentacles
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 3
All of my brother's tentacles
I am new here. Thank you for this site. I am glad I have found it.
I have a 54 year old brother who has lived his entire adult life addicted to alcohol and prescription meds (opiates and benzos primarily), and it is dumbfounding to me when I step back and realize how far the "tentacles" of his addiction have permeated and are destroying the lives of my small family.
He has lived off an on with my 79 year old mother, who is in very poor health herself, all of his adult life. He has been through long-term in-patient treatment four times, he has been locked up for DWI's, homeless (for very brief periods-mom always rescues him) and he had damaged his body so badly I am sure he does some impaired cognitive ability as a result.
For the last ten months, he has been living in a small house on the other side of town. Mom is a classic enabler. He gets disability (which astounds me-he may be that sick now-but he wasn't when he started receiving the checks over a decade ago) and my mother is his "payee". Of course the money never lasts beyond the first week of any given month, there is always some invented dramatic crisis that comes along of which my brother claims to be a helpless victim (someone robbed him, he got very ill, his money card was hacked, the list is endless) and of course mom always bails him out. It is bleeding her dry. And whatever the crisis-of-the-month is, it always brings with it a considerable amount of overwhelming worry for my mother-not just about the money, but because of the nature of his invented victimizations.
I was somewhat prepared to deal with all the challenges that come along with helping an aging parent, and I want to be a good daughter and do right by my mom at this point in her life. She does need help, and she deserves the support and assistance of loving children. (I have a sister who lives on the other side of the country and rarely comes home.) But this layer of enabling and co-dependency is really tough to navigate through. I don't want to abandon my mom at this frail stage and leave her even riper for his picking (I have no direct contact with my brother anymore because of his addiction), but I think I will have to. That is where I am struggling.
Mom has ALWAYS enabled my brother.....even when she dd have the mental clarity and physical fortitude to stand up to him. She has ALWAYS believed, or appeared to believe, his lies and manipulations. She has never really held him accountable for his crazy behavior, despite the devastating consequences it brought to him, her and everyone else who loves them. There have been periods of time when I stopped being a part of her life too because I couldn't stand by and watch all of the craziness unfold while she did nothing. I have been angry, disgusted, confused, felt abandoned myself, and have resented being put in this position over and over again.
I just don't know where to draw the line now. I have encouraged her over and over again to remove herself as his "payee" so she doesn't have to deal with that entanglement. Of course she says she will, but won't do it when the time comes. I have demonstrated to her time again and again that he is lying to her.
The most recent drama was him telling her he was going to have a liver biopsy (he does have Hep-C) and was undergoing interferon treatment for Hep-C, which of course, if true, would make him very, very ill. He said docs were concerned about liver cancer, and that he may be terminally ill. The reality was that he had to have the standard "testing" done that any 54 year old should do (colonoscopy, blood draws, etc). Other than the already diagnosed diabetes, high blood pressure and Hep-C, the tests were all fine. But during the process, he manipulated her into allowing him to come stay at her house to be "taken care of" during the two weeks he had these routine tests scheduled. What he really wants is to permanently move back in with her so he can have the luxury of cablevision, prepared meals, a maid, and the use of her car (he has no license-has wrecked her car once and reported it was stolen-another lie I exposed to her). Feigning dire illness was just a ploy that did get him one step closer. How cruel is that? Let your mother believe you may be dying with a tragic, fatal illness, instead of the addiction which is really killing you (sometimes I hate him so much). Meanwhile his water gets shut off (another story), so how can he possibly return home now? (Give him a couple gallons of water and send him home-that's what I say). Let him figure out how to solve the problem (another reason to remove herself as his payee).
It goes on and on, and I am sure my story is just a variation of the same one.
I did tell mom yesterday that while I love her, and I want to support and be here for her, if she continues to do what she has always done, I WILL have to walk away from her life too. I can't enable the enabler, which is what I think I may be doing. I told her that this isn't fair, it is killing me to watch him destroy her, that this is taking a huge toll on me (which it is), my husband and my children, and I will have to protect myself and my family from being sucked in to all this dysfunction anymore. I really don't think things will change. There have been numerous times over the last twenty years that we have had the "mom, you are part of the problem" discussion. She understands, and every now and then she has actually done the right thing the and let him face the consequences of his self destructive behavior. But it is always short lived, and the patterns return.
While I have walked away from his life (at least directly), I haven't ever walked out of hers. Is that the right thing to do if she continues? She has some dementia, COPD, high blood pressure, a very high stroke risk, and many other physical issues. I am very scared she will stroke out during one of the crazy events my brother brings to her, or that he will hurt her (he is capable), the riff-raff he brings around will hurt her, or any number of things of which she is very vulnerbale. I had hoped when he moved out ten months ago we could work on some changes, but it only moved the problem several miles away. Nothing really changed.
This is something I wake up with, go to sleep with, worry about all the time. It is affecting my job, my quality of life, and possibly my health.
What should I do?
Thank you for taking the time!
I have a 54 year old brother who has lived his entire adult life addicted to alcohol and prescription meds (opiates and benzos primarily), and it is dumbfounding to me when I step back and realize how far the "tentacles" of his addiction have permeated and are destroying the lives of my small family.
He has lived off an on with my 79 year old mother, who is in very poor health herself, all of his adult life. He has been through long-term in-patient treatment four times, he has been locked up for DWI's, homeless (for very brief periods-mom always rescues him) and he had damaged his body so badly I am sure he does some impaired cognitive ability as a result.
For the last ten months, he has been living in a small house on the other side of town. Mom is a classic enabler. He gets disability (which astounds me-he may be that sick now-but he wasn't when he started receiving the checks over a decade ago) and my mother is his "payee". Of course the money never lasts beyond the first week of any given month, there is always some invented dramatic crisis that comes along of which my brother claims to be a helpless victim (someone robbed him, he got very ill, his money card was hacked, the list is endless) and of course mom always bails him out. It is bleeding her dry. And whatever the crisis-of-the-month is, it always brings with it a considerable amount of overwhelming worry for my mother-not just about the money, but because of the nature of his invented victimizations.
I was somewhat prepared to deal with all the challenges that come along with helping an aging parent, and I want to be a good daughter and do right by my mom at this point in her life. She does need help, and she deserves the support and assistance of loving children. (I have a sister who lives on the other side of the country and rarely comes home.) But this layer of enabling and co-dependency is really tough to navigate through. I don't want to abandon my mom at this frail stage and leave her even riper for his picking (I have no direct contact with my brother anymore because of his addiction), but I think I will have to. That is where I am struggling.
Mom has ALWAYS enabled my brother.....even when she dd have the mental clarity and physical fortitude to stand up to him. She has ALWAYS believed, or appeared to believe, his lies and manipulations. She has never really held him accountable for his crazy behavior, despite the devastating consequences it brought to him, her and everyone else who loves them. There have been periods of time when I stopped being a part of her life too because I couldn't stand by and watch all of the craziness unfold while she did nothing. I have been angry, disgusted, confused, felt abandoned myself, and have resented being put in this position over and over again.
I just don't know where to draw the line now. I have encouraged her over and over again to remove herself as his "payee" so she doesn't have to deal with that entanglement. Of course she says she will, but won't do it when the time comes. I have demonstrated to her time again and again that he is lying to her.
The most recent drama was him telling her he was going to have a liver biopsy (he does have Hep-C) and was undergoing interferon treatment for Hep-C, which of course, if true, would make him very, very ill. He said docs were concerned about liver cancer, and that he may be terminally ill. The reality was that he had to have the standard "testing" done that any 54 year old should do (colonoscopy, blood draws, etc). Other than the already diagnosed diabetes, high blood pressure and Hep-C, the tests were all fine. But during the process, he manipulated her into allowing him to come stay at her house to be "taken care of" during the two weeks he had these routine tests scheduled. What he really wants is to permanently move back in with her so he can have the luxury of cablevision, prepared meals, a maid, and the use of her car (he has no license-has wrecked her car once and reported it was stolen-another lie I exposed to her). Feigning dire illness was just a ploy that did get him one step closer. How cruel is that? Let your mother believe you may be dying with a tragic, fatal illness, instead of the addiction which is really killing you (sometimes I hate him so much). Meanwhile his water gets shut off (another story), so how can he possibly return home now? (Give him a couple gallons of water and send him home-that's what I say). Let him figure out how to solve the problem (another reason to remove herself as his payee).
It goes on and on, and I am sure my story is just a variation of the same one.
I did tell mom yesterday that while I love her, and I want to support and be here for her, if she continues to do what she has always done, I WILL have to walk away from her life too. I can't enable the enabler, which is what I think I may be doing. I told her that this isn't fair, it is killing me to watch him destroy her, that this is taking a huge toll on me (which it is), my husband and my children, and I will have to protect myself and my family from being sucked in to all this dysfunction anymore. I really don't think things will change. There have been numerous times over the last twenty years that we have had the "mom, you are part of the problem" discussion. She understands, and every now and then she has actually done the right thing the and let him face the consequences of his self destructive behavior. But it is always short lived, and the patterns return.
While I have walked away from his life (at least directly), I haven't ever walked out of hers. Is that the right thing to do if she continues? She has some dementia, COPD, high blood pressure, a very high stroke risk, and many other physical issues. I am very scared she will stroke out during one of the crazy events my brother brings to her, or that he will hurt her (he is capable), the riff-raff he brings around will hurt her, or any number of things of which she is very vulnerbale. I had hoped when he moved out ten months ago we could work on some changes, but it only moved the problem several miles away. Nothing really changed.
This is something I wake up with, go to sleep with, worry about all the time. It is affecting my job, my quality of life, and possibly my health.
What should I do?
Thank you for taking the time!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Sounds like you need a lawyer to help you sort out some of the legal issues here.
Can the court appoint another payee for your brother?
If your mother's health is failing and will be needing additional care, are you willing and able to possible get a power of attorney on her behalf, or even guardianship?
These are thing an attorney can advise, pretty sure the attorney can help you in protecting your mom's assets. ( and peace of mind)
Can the court appoint another payee for your brother?
If your mother's health is failing and will be needing additional care, are you willing and able to possible get a power of attorney on her behalf, or even guardianship?
These are thing an attorney can advise, pretty sure the attorney can help you in protecting your mom's assets. ( and peace of mind)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 3
The SS Admin can and will appoint another payee. It's actually quite simple. Mom just won't follow through. I don't know whether taking steps to "force" anything legally is the right thing to do either. POA is an option if something happens that she CANNOT take of herself or finances, but right now, outside of the issues with my brother, she is still able to be independent. I hate to try to take that away legally, don't know if I can at this point anyway, and attorneys are expensive-I work in the legal field. But it probably would be worth knowing the options......thank you for responding.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Getting her power of attorney now while she stills clarity I strongly suggest. When her dementia gets worse you will be unable to obtain it. POA for her medical as well as finances are how you may begin that discussion with your mom. Also she needs a will and again something you can explain to her. If she doesn't have all of these things in place HER wishes or wants cannot be carried out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sorry, hit reply to quick.
At this stage she nor he are going to change. And to threaten to abandon her if she continues to ensble him, may just push her in the oposite direction and she might ask him to move in.
Getting her in order legally I think is the way to go. I know attorneys are expensive but get a consult on what she/ you may be facing is nothing is in place.
At this stage she nor he are going to change. And to threaten to abandon her if she continues to ensble him, may just push her in the oposite direction and she might ask him to move in.
Getting her in order legally I think is the way to go. I know attorneys are expensive but get a consult on what she/ you may be facing is nothing is in place.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
KLHART, glad you found your way to SR, but sorry for the situation you're in. I can't imagine the pain your brother's addictions have caused your family over the years. It has to be beyond frustrating to have shown your mother time and again exactly what it is that your brother is up to and have her continue to enable him.
I believe that atalose is right in saying that neither of them are likely to change at this point. The only person involved in this situation that you can change is yourself. There is a ton of experience, strength and hope here. I hope you can do a lot of reading here and get some support and inspiration to keep you going. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either. They're a great source of information.
The advice to check w/a lawyer seems to make sense and will at least let you know the legal ramifications of all this. Have you considered Alanon to help you with the other aspects? Many people have found it a valuable resource for in-person support. Maybe try a couple of meetings and see if you find some worth in it. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Again, welcome to SR. I wish you strength and clarity in the days ahead.
I believe that atalose is right in saying that neither of them are likely to change at this point. The only person involved in this situation that you can change is yourself. There is a ton of experience, strength and hope here. I hope you can do a lot of reading here and get some support and inspiration to keep you going. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either. They're a great source of information.
The advice to check w/a lawyer seems to make sense and will at least let you know the legal ramifications of all this. Have you considered Alanon to help you with the other aspects? Many people have found it a valuable resource for in-person support. Maybe try a couple of meetings and see if you find some worth in it. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Again, welcome to SR. I wish you strength and clarity in the days ahead.
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