Counselor recommendations Infuriating me
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Originally Posted by littlebird73 
It was strongly recommended to me to wait to see a marriage counselor until after the addiction had been addressed first. In my experience marriage counseling simply does not work well with an active alcoholic & therapists who do not specialize in addiction treatment have no clue (have been given some horrible advice in the past from therapists who did not understand addiction). Our marriage has made the most progress from my husband seeing an addiction counselor by himself while I got individual therapy simultaneously & went to Al-Anon. Two marriage counselors flat out refused to set an appointment with us until my husband had gotten help for himself & was sober first. That makes a lot of sense to me in hindsight.
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Originally Posted by Hammer
Lotta THAT out there.
For everyone that graduates at the top of the class . . . someone is at the bottom.
For everyone that graduates at the top of the class . . . someone is at the bottom.
Not a shock to hear that to be honest.
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Fwiw the counselor we see was an alcoholic according to what she stated. Her mother was also an alcoholic.
I have been seeing a counselor for nearly 3 yrs since all of this drinking bs started. My counselor is just ok. She seems a bit detached lately but didn't necessarily agree with the praising idea. My counselor has blatantly told me she doesn't like addiction counseling at all. My wife's previous counselor that she stopped seeing told her she was an alcoholic and needed to go to AA. Funny that after that session my wife stopped seeing her.
I have been seeing a counselor for nearly 3 yrs since all of this drinking bs started. My counselor is just ok. She seems a bit detached lately but didn't necessarily agree with the praising idea. My counselor has blatantly told me she doesn't like addiction counseling at all. My wife's previous counselor that she stopped seeing told her she was an alcoholic and needed to go to AA. Funny that after that session my wife stopped seeing her.
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Originally Posted by Pebbles2012
Fwiw the counselor we see was an alcoholic according to what she stated. Her mother was also an alcoholic.
I have been seeing a counselor for nearly 3 yrs since all of this drinking bs started. My counselor is just ok. She seems a bit detached lately but didn't necessarily agree with the praising idea. My counselor has blatantly told me she doesn't like addiction counseling at all. My wife's previous counselor that she stopped seeing told her she was an alcoholic and needed to go to AA. Funny that after that session my wife stopped seeing her.
I have been seeing a counselor for nearly 3 yrs since all of this drinking bs started. My counselor is just ok. She seems a bit detached lately but didn't necessarily agree with the praising idea. My counselor has blatantly told me she doesn't like addiction counseling at all. My wife's previous counselor that she stopped seeing told her she was an alcoholic and needed to go to AA. Funny that after that session my wife stopped seeing her.
Her mindset is VERY alcoholic & I'm not at all shocked to hear she's an A.
I suggest you stop seeing her ASAP. She sounds toxic & like she has a lot of work to do on her own recovery
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Just to be clear, my personal counselor and our marriage counselor are 2 different people.
Our marriage counselor is the one that was a previous addict. I will say that I have gotten the feeling in the past that I was being a little ganged up on. My wife was sitting there borderline yelling at me basically stating all the "sacrifices" she made and how I only focus on her drinking problem. My wife thinks that if she keeps a good house, makes dinner and is otherwise normal that I'm supposed to overlook drinking. That's how I heard her little outburst anyway. The marriage counselor didn't pick up on any of it. When I mentioned this to my personal counselor she stated that most people bring up the past like that to deflect the real problem. I agreed with her. My wife has used all kinds of issues to detect the problem. I don't want to have sex with her, I don't tell her when she's p#ssed her off etc. I see it as her way of blaming me. Maybe I'm wrong though.
Our marriage counselor is the one that was a previous addict. I will say that I have gotten the feeling in the past that I was being a little ganged up on. My wife was sitting there borderline yelling at me basically stating all the "sacrifices" she made and how I only focus on her drinking problem. My wife thinks that if she keeps a good house, makes dinner and is otherwise normal that I'm supposed to overlook drinking. That's how I heard her little outburst anyway. The marriage counselor didn't pick up on any of it. When I mentioned this to my personal counselor she stated that most people bring up the past like that to deflect the real problem. I agreed with her. My wife has used all kinds of issues to detect the problem. I don't want to have sex with her, I don't tell her when she's p#ssed her off etc. I see it as her way of blaming me. Maybe I'm wrong though.
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Yeah I understood they were different... and your marriage counselor sounds extremely unprofessional and like a raging alcoholic at least mentally, herself.
If your marriage counselor were recovered herself she would SEE and HEAR all these deflection tactics by your wife...
The fact that the marriage counselor validates your wifes blame shifting speaks VOLUMES about the therapists lack of sobriety herself.
I would not be returning to see her again if I were you.
It sounds abusive.
If your marriage counselor were recovered herself she would SEE and HEAR all these deflection tactics by your wife...
The fact that the marriage counselor validates your wifes blame shifting speaks VOLUMES about the therapists lack of sobriety herself.
I would not be returning to see her again if I were you.
It sounds abusive.
Originally Posted by Pebbles2012
Just to be clear, my personal counselor and our marriage counselor are 2 different people.
Our marriage counselor is the one that was a previous addict. I will say that I have gotten the feeling in the past that I was being a little ganged up on. My wife was sitting there borderline yelling at me basically stating all the "sacrifices" she made and how I only focus on her drinking problem. My wife thinks that if she keeps a good house, makes dinner and is otherwise normal that I'm supposed to overlook drinking. That's how I heard her little outburst anyway. The marriage counselor didn't pick up on any of it. When I mentioned this to my personal counselor she stated that most people bring up the past like that to deflect the real problem. I agreed with her. My wife has used all kinds of issues to detect the problem. I don't want to have sex with her, I don't tell her when she's p#ssed her off etc. I see it as her way of blaming me. Maybe I'm wrong though.
Our marriage counselor is the one that was a previous addict. I will say that I have gotten the feeling in the past that I was being a little ganged up on. My wife was sitting there borderline yelling at me basically stating all the "sacrifices" she made and how I only focus on her drinking problem. My wife thinks that if she keeps a good house, makes dinner and is otherwise normal that I'm supposed to overlook drinking. That's how I heard her little outburst anyway. The marriage counselor didn't pick up on any of it. When I mentioned this to my personal counselor she stated that most people bring up the past like that to deflect the real problem. I agreed with her. My wife has used all kinds of issues to detect the problem. I don't want to have sex with her, I don't tell her when she's p#ssed her off etc. I see it as her way of blaming me. Maybe I'm wrong though.
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
If she "was" an alcoholic & is giving you the kind of enabling BS advice she is & minimizing the dishonesty & I act of the drinkng then it's pretty glaringly clear to this outsider that the therapist isn't sober at least not mentally.
Not to defend the counselor but I dont think she has been told of all the horrible things that drinking has caused my wife and I. But then again does it really matter that much. Drinking too much is rarely a good thing and we are in counseling because we arent happy.
The marriage counselor has said we need somewhere to start to regain trust but I dont see my trust growing due to these minor drinking episodes. Ive asked my wife the day after I knew she had drank something, if she was ok, and she has said any number of things but hasnt admitted any wrong doing.
One other thing that is disturbing to me is that I have yet to hear my wife tell me that she is committed to not drinking anymore and working this out.
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If the counselor was an alcoholic herself (sounds like mentally she still is) and knows about addiction and hears what you're saying and listens to your wife's minimizing/projecting/deflecting that should tell her all she needs to know.
Your wife is an A. She is NOT going to be honest and the counselor ought to grasp that.
In what you write I, not a therapist, can see through your wife's deflections.... So a trained therapist ought to be able to as well.
She sounds like she is doing more harm than good and providing your wife more opportunity to deflect and minimize and blame shift than she already creates on her own.
Your wife is an A. She is NOT going to be honest and the counselor ought to grasp that.
In what you write I, not a therapist, can see through your wife's deflections.... So a trained therapist ought to be able to as well.
She sounds like she is doing more harm than good and providing your wife more opportunity to deflect and minimize and blame shift than she already creates on her own.
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I have only read the last page of this thread, but I think there is something to keep in mind here.
Marriage counseling by definition is for the sake of the marriage. I think many people go to marriage counseling for validation that their partner is the problem. But, when you hire someone to counsel you, with the goal being to repair the marriage, they often see their job as a sort of diplomatic, compromise facilitator. After all, that's what you've hired them for. And, I believe, this is why it is generally a bad idea to try and work on the marriage through marriage counseling until each partner has worked through their own issues separately.
L
Marriage counseling by definition is for the sake of the marriage. I think many people go to marriage counseling for validation that their partner is the problem. But, when you hire someone to counsel you, with the goal being to repair the marriage, they often see their job as a sort of diplomatic, compromise facilitator. After all, that's what you've hired them for. And, I believe, this is why it is generally a bad idea to try and work on the marriage through marriage counseling until each partner has worked through their own issues separately.
L
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I wanted to post a bit of an update on this. This past weekend the AW had a breakdown, which thankfully didn't include alcohol. Anyway, our counselor was contacted. This event changed my view of the counselor. She gave me an email address to contact her with if I ever needed to talk.... and talk I did. I gave her the complete background of the last 10 years of my wife's drinking. Her attitude totally changed and she even said how good of an act we are. Sad really. She told me that she was unaware of all the yrs of drinking and that she only thought it was for the past few yrs only. She also said that she doesn't like working with addicts due to their lying and manipulating. She also told me she doesn't blame me for wanting to leave.
So, now the AW is supposed to be going to Caron treatment center. She said it's not rehab. It's a workshop. Meanwhile I get home yesterday and I can tell that she's had something to drink. I do think that our next counseling session I will be mentioning that I need some time alone for a while. This isn't a marriage or a friendship anymore.
So, now the AW is supposed to be going to Caron treatment center. She said it's not rehab. It's a workshop. Meanwhile I get home yesterday and I can tell that she's had something to drink. I do think that our next counseling session I will be mentioning that I need some time alone for a while. This isn't a marriage or a friendship anymore.
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Originally Posted by cleaninLI
I guess my opinion on this doesn't count for much because my husband isn't an A, but I really don't understand what the problem is for thanking your spouse for doing something....even if its something he's suppose to do? I thank my husband all the time and he thanks me...I thank my kids, I thank the mail carrier for delivering the mail....that's his job right? I thank the waitress for bringing me my food....she's getting paid for that right? I thank the cashier for bagging up my purchase. I thank the lady at the drive thru for my coffee.
When did thanking someone for something become treating someone like a child? I don't get it?
When did thanking someone for something become treating someone like a child? I don't get it?
One of the biggest reasons people drink is because of low self-esteem. Validating good behavior by saying things like, "I really enjoy spending time with you when you're not drinking," is a positive thing, imo. I know I feel good when I am thanked or praised. It doesn't have to be constant but I do think it's an important part of supporting someone in recovery. I think that thanking someone for something is different than praise.
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Originally Posted by Pebbles2012
I wanted to post a bit of an update on this. This past weekend the AW had a breakdown, which thankfully didn't include alcohol. Anyway, our counselor was contacted. This event changed my view of the counselor. She gave me an email address to contact her with if I ever needed to talk.... and talk I did. I gave her the complete background of the last 10 years of my wife's drinking. Her attitude totally changed and she even said how good of an act we are. Sad really. She told me that she was unaware of all the yrs of drinking and that she only thought it was for the past few yrs only. She also said that she doesn't like working with addicts due to their lying and manipulating. She also told me she doesn't blame me for wanting to leave.
So, now the AW is supposed to be going to Caron treatment center. She said it's not rehab. It's a workshop. Meanwhile I get home yesterday and I can tell that she's had something to drink. I do think that our next counseling session I will be mentioning that I need some time alone for a while. This isn't a marriage or a friendship anymore.
So, now the AW is supposed to be going to Caron treatment center. She said it's not rehab. It's a workshop. Meanwhile I get home yesterday and I can tell that she's had something to drink. I do think that our next counseling session I will be mentioning that I need some time alone for a while. This isn't a marriage or a friendship anymore.
I hope you are able to take some time for yourself and start to heal.
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Originally Posted by Pebbles2012
I wanted to post a bit of an update on this. This past weekend the AW had a breakdown, which thankfully didn't include alcohol. Anyway, our counselor was contacted. This event changed my view of the counselor. She gave me an email address to contact her with if I ever needed to talk.... and talk I did. I gave her the complete background of the last 10 years of my wife's drinking. Her attitude totally changed and she even said how good of an act we are. Sad really. She told me that she was unaware of all the yrs of drinking and that she only thought it was for the past few yrs only. She also said that she doesn't like working with addicts due to their lying and manipulating. She also told me she doesn't blame me for wanting to leave.
So, now the AW is supposed to be going to Caron treatment center. She said it's not rehab. It's a workshop. Meanwhile I get home yesterday and I can tell that she's had something to drink. I do think that our next counseling session I will be mentioning that I need some time alone for a while. This isn't a marriage or a friendship anymore.
So, now the AW is supposed to be going to Caron treatment center. She said it's not rehab. It's a workshop. Meanwhile I get home yesterday and I can tell that she's had something to drink. I do think that our next counseling session I will be mentioning that I need some time alone for a while. This isn't a marriage or a friendship anymore.
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i read the first post of this thread from pebbles.
haven't read through the rest of the posts yet. but i wanted to respond without being influenced.
pebbles, i once thanked my XAH for not hitting me as hard as he did the last time he hit me. he said it was because he loved me so much that he lightened his hand.
i also praised him for moderation drinking. proved to be useless and quite the disaster.
NOTHING i did at that time could have improved our marriage in ANY way except to save myself, go to al-anon and self-preserve.
alcoholism is a seductive lover with specious reasoning that will exhibit the most cunning and clever allure that NOTHING can outwit it, out seduce it, out think it, out maneuver it.
i stopped banging my head against the brick wall trying to prove that i could outsmart my husbands alcoholism.....his loving mistress that could make him feel better than anything else ever had.
never again will i praise someone for doing the right thing. it is expected.
haven't read through the rest of the posts yet. but i wanted to respond without being influenced.
pebbles, i once thanked my XAH for not hitting me as hard as he did the last time he hit me. he said it was because he loved me so much that he lightened his hand.
i also praised him for moderation drinking. proved to be useless and quite the disaster.
NOTHING i did at that time could have improved our marriage in ANY way except to save myself, go to al-anon and self-preserve.
alcoholism is a seductive lover with specious reasoning that will exhibit the most cunning and clever allure that NOTHING can outwit it, out seduce it, out think it, out maneuver it.
i stopped banging my head against the brick wall trying to prove that i could outsmart my husbands alcoholism.....his loving mistress that could make him feel better than anything else ever had.
never again will i praise someone for doing the right thing. it is expected.
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