Booo

I simply say thank you as I would to anyone else. I dont make a big deal out of it. I remember that those pre sobriety "weeks" at most, I used to say "God, I love it when you are not drinking"
well, that didn't work.
him hitting bottom---that worked.
i still say thank you, I still tell him he is wonderful to be with now that he is not drinking at all.
But I am not so sure that I could ever have said I was happy if he was only drinking half of what he usually did.
Best of luck to you!

Katchie

I probably can't give you the soundest advice, but I can sympathize. I'm seeing a therapist that I'm unsure I will stay with. She's very sweet, but I'm not sure what she's really doing for me except be an ear..I can get that from a couple of friends and save my $$. I understand your anger with the recommendation; I would be mad too. I don't want to treat my husband as another child in the house and giving praise for good behavior would feel like I'm parenting him. I can be encouraging in other ways. I hope your anger goes away real soon and you find some clarity. I hate being angry all the time and it flat makes me feel sick...hugs

AuntieSoso

My husband isn't an alcoholic so it doesn't apply in that regard, but I did want to address the thanking issue that people seem to have.

Somehow I am not understanding why thanking someone is so wrong and is appealing to them like a child. I thank my husband many, many, many times during the day - I thank him for feeding the dogs (even though it is "his" chore), I thank him for making the bed, I thank him for doing the dishes, I thank him for starting a fire, I thank him for working so hard, I thank him for whatever. Isn't there a forum on this thread about gratitude? Wouldn't it be helpful in our lives if we could find gratitude toward someone for doing something positive, even if it is something they are "supposed" to do? My husband thanks me as well, for doing shopping, making dinner, doing my horse chores, cleaning the house, gardening, whatever. Sure, those things are "my" things to do, but he thanks me anyway, because he appreciates my efforts.

KateL

Yes, I always think it's not just the amount or regularity of the drink that is an issue but the change and affect it has on a person. xxx

Hammer

Then let the T work with your WIFE, on addiction. Big Book says A's work on A's. When those geniuses get THEIR A issues cleaned up, then maybe they can talk to you.

Meanwhile on YOU (the important stuff, right?)

You have some Really Good self-awareness.

Sorry I do not recall -- you working Alanon? I mean really working it?

This is pretty much start into 4th Step material you have here, just above . . . knowing your resentments, and all, I mean.

Gotta tell you, if things for you are anything like for me . . . Alanon, Work the Program, and Life starts making a WHOLE Lot more sense.

FireSprite

I can only speak for me, but with my RAH for a long time it wasn't just a simple matter of, Hey, thanks for x, y, z. In fact, I rarely got to the point of being able to acknowledge his actions because he'd beat me to the punch.... "I did the dishes,.... did ya see..... I got the dishes done.... wow, wonder who did the dishes??!!" In reality he would have left the larger pots & pans & only washed as much as would fit in the drain at that moment (rather than drying, putting away & continuing until the chore was completed), will have left the sink messy with bits of food, dirty sponges etc - all told, it would have been way easier to handle the chore myself. So thanking him - utterly disingenuous... if I point out the half-arsed way he did things resulting in more work for ME, then I'm ungrateful, he never does anything right, I'm never happy & on & on. (so glad we're past this these days, ugh)

Even outside of that - if he had managed to do the chore fully, unprompted then of course I'd be thankful but just like *I* wouldn't expect to be thanked for doing my part for the family in that way, I don't expect to have to stop & applaud his every effort. To me this is entirely different than gratitude... it's just called doing your part in a family unit. I don't thank DD every single time she handles her chores unprompted; no one thanks me for every load of laundry, every clean bathroom... why would he be different? Sure, it IS nice to be thanked every now & then... but none of us should need a constant stream of obvious appreciation in order to do the stuff we should already be doing. To me, that has to come from the inside as well - pride in a job well done, pride in knowing you aren't relying on other's approval, etc.

This is not to say that I don't appreciate things getting done, or that I don't show gratitude for things on a regular basis - when he changed his schedule to fix the brakes on my van, gathered a couple of friends to help my mom move some furniture, etc.... big thank you's all around.

Stung

In regards to gratitude for doing what you're supposed to be doing anyway…when my husband starts thanking me for NOT driving our car and children into the ocean, then I'll start thanking him for not drinking. In my opinion, thanking my husband for not drinking is like me thanking him for wiping his own butt. If he doesn't wipe his butt or maintain his sobriety, HE is going to be the one who is suffering from making poor choices.

Also, I think maintaining sobriety and chores can't even be had in the same conversation. Saying thank you for taking the trash out or working hard, sure, whatever, I don't thank my husband for those things (although I do thank him on the rare occasion that he does something extra, not because it's motherly but because I want him to know that I noticed because I like when he notices when I do something extra for our family too) but I won't fault anyone else who does. If chores were even in the same realm as maintaining sobriety, then this forum wouldn't exist. My husband needs to thank God, his therapist and his home AA group every day for his sobriety, he does not need me thanking him. I actually think it would be condescending.

m1k3

In recovery terms this is known as magical thinking. It blinds you to reality and keeps you trapped.

Your marriage is what it is, right now. It may or may not get better and I am willing to bet if you look back on the "good" times they weren't as good as you remember them. They were simply a lot better than it is now.

Also, the person who put the most into a relationship has the most to loose.

Your friend,

theuncertainty

The only reason it was brought up is because it was my brilliant idea, when in the think of the cr-p storm with AXH, that, hey, if thanking him incessantly for doing what he was supposed to do, what he had agreed to do, will work with X then maybe it'll work with Y. I was simply pointing out that I was not told by a therapist to try it with AXH in regards to the days he drank less and therefore didn't pass out on the couch before dinnertime.

And to be clear, if I was around and saw him doing the work, I would say thanks, any way. So it wasn't that I NEVER told him thank you, because I did. What he wanted was more akin to me thanking him for every.little.thing.he.managed.to.do.during.the.day even if I didn't notice it the minute.I.walked.in.the.door.

In any case, noticing that AXH wasn't passed out on the couch for the 2nd day straight and telling him thank you for cutting down simply earned me a rant about him not drinking *that* much anyway. Which was usually an excuse to then drink harder, because I'd given him another excuse to go with.

Stung

Sorry, theuncertainty, I wasn't trying to be judgey or talk down to anyone. In the thick of it, I was doing crazy stuff and trying to think of any which way I could to make my husband feel good and trying to make him happy so he wouldn't be so mean (i.e.: drunk.) But I've only known about my husband's alcoholism for a short time since he was drinking in secret and once I knew he was an alcoholic it became a HUGE power struggle for us. I just thought I was a crappy wife and my husband was miserable because of me for a long time. Come to find, he was hiding alcohol all over the place to hide it from me, whenever I would catch on he would just adapt. Once I went to clean out his car for him (me trying to make him happy) and he was so pissed that I was being controlling and insinuating that he was messy, quack, quack, quack. What he was really upset about is that he had alcohol hidden in his car and he was afraid that I was going to find it. There is nothing we can do to make them stop drinking. We can't thank them into sobriety, we can't do enough kind acts to get them to be sober, we can't bribe them.

copperducky

AH and I have been married 25 years...I'm thankful everyday that is a good day. When I have something above and beyond the usual chores and I mention it ...sometimes he "helps" me out and does it before I get home. Granted, sometimes it is not entirely done to MY satisfaction, but it is done and he did it without me there. So that means he thought of me and helping me and wanted to get something done for me.
I come home and see it done and give him a gentle "hey thanks lover for doing that for me". To tell you the truth...it makes me feel better and obviously makes him feel like he made even a little accomplishment. And in the end, we have a nicer evening. Might be a small consolation..but it seems to me the baby steps count too.

theuncertainty

The cleaning the car story, yep, I'd often get ranted at for NOT cleaning *this* any more. Well, the last time I tried, I got screamed at for trying to clean it (because of his hidden bottles). I thought I was the worst wife ever, because I NEVER did anything right.

That's exactly what I tried to do. (Much clearer than my posts. Thanks) if I was nicer, more appreciative, he'd feel better about himself and life in general and so wouldn't drink or wouldn't drink as much, and therefore would be happier/nicer. It didn't work with AXH.

hopeful4

I am in this camp.

Now, I am not above saying Thank You when someone helps out, etc, but like Stung, it has to be something extra. No one told me thank you for cleaning the toilet last night, but I sure did it. I did not tell him Thank You for taking out the trash today either. Now, last summer when we worked together and made a flower bed along that house that I really wanted and he helped with, I said Thank You. It was all nice and good and definitely has NOTHING to do with his recovery or mine.

You will never catch me praising my AH like a good little boy if he does not drink. It is his responsibility.

Just my take on it.

EmmyG

When I did ill-advised couples counseling with my actively drinking husband 18 months ago, I told the therapist how I don't like it when AH takes off for the night until all hours drinking and creating chaos for our family. She asked me, in front of him, "What if you just leave for the night when he wants to go out?" Ummmm, okay. Yeah. Whenever he has the inclination to go out drinking, even during the week when the kids and I have school and work, I have to pick up and leave because I don't know what he'll be like when he comes home at 2 AM?

hopeful4

Emmy...surely she was just trying to make a point to him?? If not, she is the one who needs more therapy LOL!

I tried couples counseling too, it lasted two sessions. There is definite wisdom in listening to the ones who told me counseling with an A or even a sometimes trying to be RA...complete waste of time, money, and energy.

Now I go for ME!

Spinner-007

Ive been told by a spouse of an alcoholic who hasn't touched a drop in over 20 years that going to marriage counceling with an unrepentant addict(my wife) is like trying to build a marriage and partnership of one.

The active addict can't be counted on to make loving, mature, rational, unselfish decisions or actions that's needed to build a successful and lasting marriage.

You will continue to build a house on quicksand with the irrational expectation that somehow it will last.

I know this first hand. What I'm going through will not last.

cleaninLI

I guess my opinion on this doesn't count for much because my husband isn't an A, but I really don't understand what the problem is for thanking your spouse for doing something....even if its something he's suppose to do? I thank my husband all the time and he thanks me...I thank my kids, I thank the mail carrier for delivering the mail....that's his job right? I thank the waitress for bringing me my food....she's getting paid for that right? I thank the cashier for bagging up my purchase. I thank the lady at the drive thru for my coffee.
When did thanking someone for something become treating someone like a child? I don't get it?

Stung

As far as chores go, I personally am one of those people who don't think the bare bones minimum deserves an award or acknowledgement. Like every kid in a class doesn't deserve an academic award, only the BEST kids do. Only the kids that go ABOVE AND BEYOND deserve an award for their performances. Same thing in sports. Same thing in my household. When someone goes above and beyond then I totally express my gratitude. Otherwise I personally don't believe in teaching my kids that they need to be thanked or acknowledged for doing what they're supposed to do anyway. Everyone contributes because it benefits our family as a whole. My husband doesn't drink because it allows him to live a fulfilling life, residually it benefits our family because we get to have a sober husband and father in our lives. He doesn't thank me for breastfeeding our children and I wouldn't expect him to, I breastfed our children because it's what I personally feel is best for them and myself not so that someone would tell me that I'm awesome because of it. I hope my kids grow up to be the best versions of themselves because it feels good to be a good person, not because someone else is watching.

I say thank you to anyone who serves me…because they're serving me. My husband taking the trash out isn't serving me, he's contributing his fair share to his family. It's like being a person who gives to charity so that they can tell their friends and family that they give to charity. You do it because it's the right thing to do whether anyone else sees you doing it or not.

Lulu39

Maybe the fact your husband is not an alcoholic is why you don't understand?

My XAH never thanked me for anything. Ever. He never did anything around the house - except when he was drunk and then he ****** it up anyway and still he wanted praise for "trying" while he drunkenly whined "but ishh not myyyy fault!".

We do have one thing in common! I too never thanked my XAH for starting a fire. He started the house on fire. In the kitchen, while drunk and "cooking" in the middle of the night when myself and the children were asleep. However, of course it was never his fault

JustAGirl1971

When I was in marital counseling with STBXAH last fall, our counselor recommended thanking each other for doing things we normally do. We started doing it and it does help. A little gratitude goes a long way. And, it makes me feel better about myself. I do it with my children and I do it with the janitors at work. Yes, they are paid to empty my trash can but I still appreciate it! (And it makes a difference, they are much more willing to go above and beyond in cleaning my space because I am appreciative than they are for the people who are unappreciative.) Thing is, I was already doing it for those people, why wasn't I doing it for my spouse, too?

I will admit that at first, it was difficult to thank my STBXAH for chores. I had so much anger and resentment over all the problems his drinking had caused in our marriage and, especially, with our children. And, though I was beginning to understand the role *I* played in that dysfunction, I still attributed 90% of our problems to him and his drinking. But, I did it anyway because she recommended it and I was willing to do almost anything to find relief. It definitely helped that my A also said thank you to me. Obviously, it didn't save our marriage (or get him to stop drinking), but it did teach us to be kinder to each other again. Kindness is a good thing, imo.

(And I should add, we didn't thank each other for every little thing, but if we sat down to a dinner he cooked, I would say thank you. Or, if he saw me putting clean sheets on the bed, he'd say thank you, etc.)

ETA: I do not think I could thank him for drinking less. For quitting and staying sober? Yes but not for drinking less.