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Seperation and New Job- Ashamed

Old 03-08-2014, 09:53 AM
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Pia
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Seperation and New Job- Ashamed

Hi Everyone- Most know I started a new job.

I was asked the normal question do you have kids, husband etc..

I told them yes and then I was deeply ashamed. Of course i'm not going to tell my new coworkers any of my personal problems but now I was thinking how do I handle the situation when I get divorced. How do I go from saying yes im married to no I got divorced.
I felt like a failure putting on a smile and answering yes I am married.

I need some feedback how to handle this?
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Old 03-08-2014, 09:57 AM
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You can say you are seperated if needed.

Really, your marital status is nobody's "official" business but if you are wanting
to share with coworkers eventually.

I wouldn't share too much about your life upfront in a new job.
You don't know who the "gossip" is in the office etc.
See if any friendships develop and decide then.

Just ask other people about their families and interests.
People love to talk about themselves and that will keep things
off of you and focused on them.

You have no reason at all to be ashamed of anything Radiant.

Congrats on the new job
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Old 03-08-2014, 10:03 AM
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Hi Hawkeye-I won't tell anyone anything even after the divorce for a long time. I'm very personal about my private life at work. I definitely do what you suggested and turn the conversation on the them. I try to avoid much talk about me. I feel like I am at a catch 22 because I wore my ring because I am around a lot of men. I even had someone tell me he figured I would be married. But now once I get divorce how do I go about the ring missing now. A gfriend of mine suggested I wear my ring and keep a pic of AH on my desk to ward off the men lol. Which I like but then I think I don't want to look at him all day.
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Old 03-08-2014, 10:36 AM
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Maybe wear the ring for now but skip the picture?

You are (technically) still married and it would keep any predatory wolves at bay while you establish yourself at the new job.

I think the picture would look much better on your rec room dart board
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Old 03-08-2014, 10:41 AM
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Ha Ha I like the dart board idea too.
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Old 03-08-2014, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post

You are (technically) still married and it would keep any predatory wolves at bay while you establish yourself at the new job.
lol
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Old 03-08-2014, 11:02 AM
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No one has ever asked about my lack of family photos in 6 mo in my new job. I think as long as u have your kids covered no one questions the partner in the wings.
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Old 03-08-2014, 01:38 PM
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I've never had a family photo up where I've worked....and you answered truthfully in that you are still married at the moment

When I got divorced, I didn't make a big deal about it and only told people if they asked after my husband, after the divorce.
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Old 03-08-2014, 02:08 PM
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you seem a bit too worried about what others think! or that others are that interested in your personal situation. or that you have to update everyone should your status change.

where are you working that you feel you have to WARD OFF men?
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Old 03-08-2014, 03:26 PM
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I might be over reacting but I work in the office and the construction men come in and out the office all day. I am the 3rd woman there so i'm being introduced to everyone and the questions keep coming over and over all day.

Name?
Kids name age ?
Married? what's your husbands name? how long have you been married? What does he do for a living?
blah blah
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Old 03-08-2014, 03:45 PM
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Who says the picture has to be of your husband? I would have no problem doing a little online research for a handsome face and putting that in a frame on my desk…it would be my little joke to myself.
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Old 03-08-2014, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by jaynie04 View Post
Who says the picture has to be of your husband? I would have no problem doing a little online research for a handsome face and putting that in a frame on my desk…it would be my little joke to myself.
I like that idea
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Old 03-08-2014, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
I've never had a family photo up where I've worked....
Me neither. I keep my work and personal life separate. Always have. I have never been comfortable sharing home issues with co-workers or discussing my problems with them.

You don't owe these people any kind of explanation and you don't have to share anything with them.

It's none of their business at the end of the day and it's better to have a sense of mystery about yourself anyways! .
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Old 03-08-2014, 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by jaynie04 View Post
Who says the picture has to be of your husband? I would have no problem doing a little online research for a handsome face and putting that in a frame on my desk…it would be my little joke to myself.
Funny and tempting, but it's kind of crazy how many lies I've been telling for far too long to "protect" myself and keep the peace. My husband finally re-found his honesty in rehab and AA. I've been seriously working on that too.

It sounds like the men are trying to be friendly and don't know what else to bring up. I get a lot of questions from people I know but haven't seen in a long time that I don't know how to deal with either. I currently don't have a job and don't know what to say when they ask what I've been doing. "Trying to get through one day at a time" doesn't seem like the proper response.
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Old 03-08-2014, 06:50 PM
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I separated from my husband while on maternity leave from work. I returned to work a few months ago. I've told some coworkers who I feel close to, but other than that it hasn't even come up. I do notice that if I'm referring to XAH, that I am using past tense (ie. "We used to ..." "We had..." etc) but no one has blinked an eye at it and asked me to clarify. As time goes on, and I find myself accepting my situation as it is, I also find that my comfort level in telling people I'm separated has greatly increased. As time goes on, I expect it will feel just as natural to say "I'm single" as it once did to say "I'm married".
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Old 03-08-2014, 07:25 PM
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I suppose I'm lucky in one way; I've worked for the same boss for over 20 years, and we have a pretty good relationship. When my AW fell and broke her ankle, while drunk, I was just honest about what happened. Maybe that was a mistake, but nobody really pressed, and I had a feeling that it would be a recurring problem which might require me to come in late, or miss a day here and there.

I'm not sure what I would have done had it been a new job. I probably would have been a little less forthcoming.

Anyway, good luck with your new job, and maybe you'll feel more comfortable later on with sharing more details...or not. I think it's totally up to you, and what you feel comfortable with.
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Old 03-09-2014, 03:16 AM
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I also got a new job shortly after separating. It's awkward for sure. I tried to keep my business my own, but right away I was dealing with the hiring paperwork that required that I give out information on my spouse in case of accidental death. It wasn't an option to not put him on the paperwork without getting his signature on it. Given that I wasn't even speaking to him, I wasn't about to ask him to sign something like that. The fact that our not-really-messy divorce took two years to accomplish is a testament to how slowly he has been turning around paperwork.

The next thing that happened was that his lawyer claimed she needed to contact my boss to verify my employment. So, I got to tell my boss and warn him. He was very supportive, but it went against my instincts to separate my work and personal business.

Even worse than these smaller annoyances has been the process of changing my name. My employer's policy is that everyone's email address is their legal name. It doesn't matter that I didn't want to go by that name anymore. So, now that I've finally divorced, and finally legally changed my name, after nearly two years of everyone knowing my old last name... Yup, everyone in the entire department gets an update that my name has changed as well as my email address (causing countless confusion in the process). In response to that notification, I receive many supportive emails congratulating me. They have no idea how appropriate that is because they think I just got married. Definitely, awkward.

Sometimes, I still struggle with the unfairness of it all. But, mostly, I try to realize that this is temporary awkwardness. It will pass, and I will be confident in saying my true name again to anybody needing to know it, and I won't require any complex explanations of anything to make sense of it. It's a transition, which I believe is not always graceful, but you will find yourself on the other side someday, and let out a sigh of relief.

Peace,
Fathom
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Old 03-09-2014, 08:00 AM
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Thank you everyone. I got some ideas on how to handle it.

What a learning process everything is being with someone who is unable to make healthy decisions and the after effects.
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Old 03-09-2014, 08:48 AM
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Where do you live? Divorce is so common among my coworkers and really among everyone I know that no one bats an eye when it happens. I work in a place with about 30 people and one is in the fighting-about-alimony stage and another just filed for divorce. We are very supportive when it happens even we know the ex socially.

I can see not wanting to discuss it when you are just starting a new job and there is no reason you have to. If you're asked you can say you're married, because you are. By the time your divorce is final you might feel more at ease talking about it.

Divorce is a wrenching thing to go through even when you are the one who wanted it. I was in that place about 15 years ago. Horrible. But it gets better.
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Old 03-09-2014, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Radiant View Post

I need some feedback how to handle this?
these are things in life that many have gone through and understand
from here on out remember you need not share much more

the best workers it seems are the ones who
stay away from discussing personal matters on the job
keep their noses clean and work hard

this is what in short time gains much respect from co-workers and supervisors

Mountainman
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