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Old 02-20-2014, 05:34 PM
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Still learning lessons

As many of you know, the moronic judge in my divorce disregarded my input and my lawyers saying that having xAH come HERE to my house to get our children for school in the morning was a bad idea...

Said in her ruling that the petitioner (me) was not being cooperative and that my suggestion of meeting at the police station or somewhere public was disruptive to the girls and that as a well respected coach and teacher (him) she trusted that he and I could be civil and exchange the girls etc... She totally gave me an attitude frankly and it was BS but I have lived with it since Fall bc I am not a judge and I had no choice but to go with it.

So I made the best of it and acted with safety being in the forefront of my mind and for months and months I held firm to my telling him he had to wait in the car and NOT come to the house itself...

Over the last month I loosened those boundaries and said that it was okay for him to come up to the door and we were even able to exchange some info that way and it was largely okay... I let my guard down... STUPIDLY. I thought he was able to behave sanely and I forgot that he is and always will be an abuser and he reminded me the hard way of this lesson yesterday.

Yesterday he showed up in a rage, tried to barge in... Thank god I leave the house locked all the time. He stood on the porch screaming and yelling about his having been served with charges of being in contempt, that I am crazy and out to get him etc... I texted him to go to the car and that once he did I would send the girls out and that he could not be in the house itself anymore...

Instead, he stood on the porch steps for 40 min texting me that I was refusing to send the girls out and was in contempt myself and that I was making him late... When it got to the point that I was about to be late to work and I assumed he was going to be calm and just take the girls and go, I unlocked the door to send the girls out and he blew up, came barging in swinging and yelling, hit me repeatedly etc... Girls witnessed it all and were and are traumatized.

I called the police immediately and he took off and went to work.

They arrested him at work-- he is a teacher and will probably lose his job as he should-- and he was charged with 3 separate counts of assault and there is a no contact order that will remain in place indefinitely at least until his arraignment at the end of March. My lawyer filed for a permanent restraining order today and a temporary one was granted for 30 days so he will have no contact with me for that time frame. Whether he will be able to have some kind of supervised visiting with the girls during the next month remains to be seen.

So, lesson here is that no matter how calm or tame an A seems to be acting NEVER EVER let your guard down...

And as bad as this was this is the first time I haven't waffled about how to react. I stood up for myself immediately, was calm when the police came, was matter of fact and I showed my daughters that no man will EVER puts his hands on me and walk away without consequences.

I wont make the mistake again of ever letting him close enough to do something like that and I am pretty sure the idiot court system in this state might want to rethink forcing an ex spouse to have her abusive ex come to her house daily...
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Old 02-20-2014, 05:47 PM
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Wow. I am so glad you're okay. You should be very proud of yourself for handling it the way you did. Your poor kids. I hope they're not too traumatized. I can't imagine acting that way in front of any children, let alone my own. What a crazy a-hole.

Sending much love and hugs your way.
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Old 02-20-2014, 06:10 PM
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I am so glad you are Ok and now safe..how terrifying for you and your girls. I'm so sorry that happened to you but grateful there is evidence now and a restraining order in place. Big hugs!
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Old 02-20-2014, 06:47 PM
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Wow, what a terrible experience for you and the kids. I'm glad everyone is ok. You responded the right way and set a great example for your kids. I am not sure if your kids are in therapy but witnessing DV between parents is very traumatic. It may help to have some specific DV counseling for them if they are old enough. I work in this field and we recommend it to all our families whose kids witness DV. You are so strong and deserve a big hug right now!
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:23 PM
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Oh yes Unsureoffutre... they are in therapy... Have been for some time.... And I have a lot of guilt tonight for letting my guard down for a bit and not continuing to insist that he just stay in his damn car. The poor kids have been subjected to too much and the last 6 months have been peaceful (relatively) and I hate that I made them have to witness this...

It's really challenging when the legal system and the courts professing to put the kids best interest first, judge and criticize parents like me for trying to have firm limits... I guess I started to second guess whether I was being too harsh on XAH by insisting he stay in his car...

Even the court appointed "co parenting counselor" we have had to see together has given me a hard time for having such inflexible boundaries over certain issues with him.

I hate that this happened yesterday but I can tell you that not one of these people who've given me a hard time up to this point are EVER going to have a word to say about my limit setting anymore...

Time that the "experts" start to trust ME and not the other way around.
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:24 PM
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So sorry you and your daughters had to go through this. Glad you stayed strong for them, and for yourself. Sounds like he's got a lot of (well-deserved) pain coming his way.
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:32 PM
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One good thing that might come from this is that your daughters now know that it is not okay for ANY man to hurt them, ever, and if one does, then you take action and the abuser gets in trouble. They saw their mom defend herself and that is a good thing.

If they or their friends or future kids are ever in that type of situation, they have seen how to handle it and it is okay to call the police.
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:37 PM
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Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that this happened! Makes me furious with the justice system... It frustrates me to no end that people think that a certain profession means a respectful member of society. I hope you are ok, please take care x
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:37 PM
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I only communicate with my ex in writing. I send children out the door and don't make a big deal over the goodbyes - more like "oh, hey, Dad's here. Have fun! See you soon" and I have completely given up on co-parenting.

The best indication of future behavior is past behavior and bullies just don't change, no matter how much I want to believe they can.

I am glad you are safe. From now on - if there is a now on - I would have the girls sitting on the step waiting so that you can be safe in the house. I am so sorry that this happened to you.
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:38 PM
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A year ago, your posts reflected a high-stress state of disintegration within you. Your thought process was paralyzed, your self-esteem crippled, your outlook bleak. You held on, through terribly harsh and unfair circumstances.

You began get your sea legs. First, it was glimpses that your perspective wasn't insane or warped, that you might be right about things. Then, mother bear fumes arose, your kids were going to get into safer circumstances, you were going to see to that. And then, you began to make changes, and hold your ground, and wait it out.

A year later, I see focus, a centered-ness in your posts, a distinct clarity blooming. I feel more strength each time you post an update, no matter the crazy circumstances.

And now I feel a seismic shift. HE is disintegrating. HIS reality is finally crumbling. Reality is closing in on him, finally coming out to the light of day. The charade is just about over.

Good. For. You.

For hanging in there, until this day finally dawned.

Good. For. You.

From a reader's perspective, this last post of yours feels like this may be a watershed in your narrative, a turning of the tide.

Sending much encouragement!

CLMI
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:15 PM
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I hope that you and your girls are OK tonight! I'm glad to hear that the facade your husband has built is crumbling...

Please be careful!
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:21 PM
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Wow. That is horrible. So sorry your family had to go through that. Bless you and your family!
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:30 PM
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Originally Posted by catlovermi View Post
A year ago, your posts reflected a high-stress state of disintegration within you. Your thought process was paralyzed, your self-esteem crippled, your outlook bleak. You held on, through terribly harsh and unfair circumstances.

You began get your sea legs. First, it was glimpses that your perspective wasn't insane or warped, that you might be right about things. Then, mother bear fumes arose, your kids were going to get into safer circumstances, you were going to see to that. And then, you began to make changes, and hold your ground, and wait it out.

A year later, I see focus, a centered-ness in your posts, a distinct clarity blooming. I feel more strength each time you post an update, no matter the crazy circumstances.

And now I feel a seismic shift. HE is disintegrating. HIS reality is finally crumbling. Reality is closing in on him, finally coming out to the light of day. The charade is just about over.

Good. For. You.

For hanging in there, until this day finally dawned.

Good. For. You.

From a reader's perspective, this last post of yours feels like this may be a watershed in your narrative, a turning of the tide.

Sending much encouragement!

CLMI
I can totally see this in myself and remember it in my older posts too... A good friend has reached out and asked over the past day how I am hanging in (bc I told her what happened) and you know what? Im sore, I have a black eye and physically look pretty rough, but emotionally I am ok... He isn't going to hurt me emotionally or physically anymore and Im not going to waste energy being upset bc of his nonsense...

And I am not blaming myself for his attack BUT I should have known better than to let him on the porch or even in the house in the last month bc as Stella said, the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior...

People told me that his true colors would shine through eventually and this fall while my life fell apart I didn't believe that at all... But it looks like it's true after all.

I thought when this day came I would be happy or feel vindicated but I feel very little toward or about him. He's going to have to live with the consequences of his choices- whatever they may be- and whatever they are aren't my concern.

I care about my kids and how they were and are impacted and about myself--and right now I feel like the best gift I am giving my kids, despite being in dire straits financially and having nothing materialistic to offer them, is the gift of showing them that crappy treatment isn't tolerated and that even when crappy stuff happens you get up and go on and don't let the crap behavior of others define you...

I guess that's what is different-- his behavior and his choices aren't my problem anymore-- yesterday for a short time they were but I handed that responsibility over to the court/police and Im grateful for the break from any interaction with him whatsoever so that the girls and I can just have peace....
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Old 02-20-2014, 09:32 PM
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I cried when I read your post. Both because I could feel your fear and because your kids had to witness that and also because, my friend, the worst is OVER.

It is.

As Barb Dwyer said. Right now, you are safe. Right now your kids are safe. Right now your house is safe.

And you sound strong and determined in the midst of it all. And you will grizzly mama your way through court hearings and testimonies and protect those girls and yourself and do not allow anyone to try to convince you to let your guard down or back down. A bully will only back down to a bigger bully so make sure you have one of those on your side.

So my guess is he will stand criminal trial first, and after that, when he gets convicted (not if) you can file for full custody and supervised visitations. A crime of domestic violence against one family member especially in front of the children is a serious matter that should make the court question whether the kids are safe with him without supervision.

Ask you lawyer if you can request another judge for your custody hearing. In my state, you are allowed to do that once - you have no influence over who you get instead, but frankly, a floater turd would be better than the bird brain who thought it a good idea for him to have visitation with the kids in your home.

I am angry and sad on your behalf. Furious at that gddamn judge. But I am also relieved because this horrid frightening thing you went through might just have opened the door to freedom for you and your girls. Lots of love and hugs.
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Old 02-20-2014, 11:03 PM
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Goodness. I'm so proud of you for keeping your head on straight and staying so focused and I want to give you a big hug. I'm so sorry he treated you that way and I'm so sorry that your girls ever had to witness any man, especially their dad, hit their mother. I hope he feels all of the consequences of his behavior and then some. What an awful human being he is.
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Old 02-21-2014, 06:15 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Im sore, I have a black eye and physically look pretty rough, but emotionally I am ok... He isn't going to hurt me emotionally or physically anymore and Im not going to waste energy being upset bc of his nonsense...
I'm sorry you had to experience this and that your children had to witness it. What a horrible, painful experience for all of you I really pray that, as lillamy said, that he's convicted and you are granted full custody (and him supervised visits only with his children!)

I just want to say: You are awesome, WTBH! What a great attitude you have Hugs.
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Old 02-21-2014, 06:29 AM
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I might have cried a little bit reading this. I'm so sorry that he has done and continues to do this to you, yet glad that he will finally suffer tangible consequences for his actions against you and the girls. Whatever else he might be, he's a terribly troubled man.

You're like a phoenix, girl. You keep rising from the ashes.
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Old 02-21-2014, 06:56 AM
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I think Florence hit the nail on the head: you are a phoenix!

So sorry this happened and that the legal system couldn't see the inevitable consequences.

Now your daughters have no doubt as to who their father is, and while that may be painful, it is the truth and it will keep them from romanticizing him. In the long run, that may clarify their thinking and let them be able to see people for who they are, not who we want them to be.

Be safe, be happy. My thoughts are with you,

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Old 02-21-2014, 07:34 AM
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Don't let your guard down, a man like this will only be enraged even more. Be careful Wttbh and do whatever you have to to protect you and your girls!
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Old 02-21-2014, 08:10 AM
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I am so so sorry. I hope you take good care of you and your kids today!

That being said...BRAVO!! I agree, you demonstrated to your children that abuse is abuse and it should be handled by the police. When will the courts listen? It goes to show...once again....our gut instinct is always right. You knew this was a bad idea, and they would not listen. We hear it on SR over and over and over. It is so scary.

Breathe. Be kind to yourself. Be glad that you have handed him over to whom he belongs...the police.

Tight Hugs.
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