Still learning lessons
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
One more thing. This:
No.
Your ex made them have to witness that.
You didn't.
And the silver lining to what happened is that while it must have been incredibly traumatic for them, they now have an opportunity to make up their own minds about their father. I know you've been very good at not badmouthing him to them, at letting them build their own relationship with him independent of what he's done to you.
He has shown his true colors and he has shown his true ugly colors to them. It is tragic, it's horrid, it's ugly. But now they know. And as painful as it is, they have the truth and they will get help in therapy to know how to handle that truth.
And none of it is your fault.
None of it.
The poor kids have been subjected to too much and the last 6 months have been peaceful (relatively) and I hate that I made them have to witness this...
Your ex made them have to witness that.
You didn't.
And the silver lining to what happened is that while it must have been incredibly traumatic for them, they now have an opportunity to make up their own minds about their father. I know you've been very good at not badmouthing him to them, at letting them build their own relationship with him independent of what he's done to you.
He has shown his true colors and he has shown his true ugly colors to them. It is tragic, it's horrid, it's ugly. But now they know. And as painful as it is, they have the truth and they will get help in therapy to know how to handle that truth.
And none of it is your fault.
None of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by lillamy 
I cried when I read your post. Both because I could feel your fear and because your kids had to witness that and also because, my friend, the worst is OVER.
It is.
It is.
It may very well provide a turning point for your kids too - this isn't subtle like so many of his other manipulations & abuses... this time he gave them something much more tangible to "fix" & it may very well be what helps them heal the whole ball of wax inside. At the same time, you showed them such a beautiful example by protecting yourself & them - they will ALWAYS remember that as The Day That Mom Broke The Cycle.
(((BUG HUGS))) your way today!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm sorry for your pain both physical and the emotional trauma for your daughters too.
If he has escalated to this point, he might ignore a restraining order, please watch your back, he is probably out of jail or appeared before a judge. If he lost his job over this, it could make him more reckless.
...I forget if your divorce is final, is there any way you will now be able to move where you wanted?
If he has escalated to this point, he might ignore a restraining order, please watch your back, he is probably out of jail or appeared before a judge. If he lost his job over this, it could make him more reckless.
...I forget if your divorce is final, is there any way you will now be able to move where you wanted?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 57
I am a new member, I have an AS living at home 21. When reading what happened to you reminded me of my divorce in n'94. Same thing happened. Back and forth to court. Mediation, Psch eval. I could NOT get sole custody. He drove the kids' w/out a license, w/out insurance. He drove them w/intoxicated. Way to much stuff, and I shouldn't be thinking of that, cuz it was 20 yrs ago. But I feel for children that witness this crazy stuff, and I think a lot has to do with my now adult sons having addictions.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 57
Good for you for standing up. I am so happy the "system" is taking you seriously now. My county court system never did. I paid thousands of dollars, to finally get sole custody, and they still had to have the same visitation. Ugly stuff.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Now I am the one crying (been going on a lot lately) bc your posts are all so helpful...
But I feel like a fraud for you all thinking I am so strong... I am not. Not at all.
I haven't been sleeping the past few nights, I am scared of him retaliating, I am scared of his anger for being held accountable, I am upset at how upset my kids are and his F'ing family has been calling me telling me how worried they are for him and frankly trying to pressure me to amend bail so he can see his kids...
Oh and the best part is that my lawyer who I owe thousands to bc I have NO money left, has now said she isn't a criminal lawyer and won't be involved in helping tie his arrest to the divorce (which is not final STILL).
So I feel like I am on my own left to deal with this and don't know which way is up anymore and what's right to do...
Ugh.
Im feeling like Im unraveling.
I haven't told my own family what happened bc they are not at all supportive so I feel like I am keeping up appearances and its exhausting...
I am afraid of letting my friends know what happened bc I feel like I might be blamed.
Even the police told me that they were giving him the option to turn himself in vs arrest him at work bc they wanted to "preserve his dignity". Really???? Telling me that is appropriate on what planet?????
But I feel like a fraud for you all thinking I am so strong... I am not. Not at all.
I haven't been sleeping the past few nights, I am scared of him retaliating, I am scared of his anger for being held accountable, I am upset at how upset my kids are and his F'ing family has been calling me telling me how worried they are for him and frankly trying to pressure me to amend bail so he can see his kids...
Oh and the best part is that my lawyer who I owe thousands to bc I have NO money left, has now said she isn't a criminal lawyer and won't be involved in helping tie his arrest to the divorce (which is not final STILL).
So I feel like I am on my own left to deal with this and don't know which way is up anymore and what's right to do...
Ugh.
Im feeling like Im unraveling.
I haven't told my own family what happened bc they are not at all supportive so I feel like I am keeping up appearances and its exhausting...
I am afraid of letting my friends know what happened bc I feel like I might be blamed.
Even the police told me that they were giving him the option to turn himself in vs arrest him at work bc they wanted to "preserve his dignity". Really???? Telling me that is appropriate on what planet?????
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
I feel like I'm going crazy just reading your posts. I can only imagine...well, no, I cannot imagine how you are feeling. This has been a nightmare from the very start! Everything is backward!
I'm so glad you were able to get a TRO, and if your attorney won't help you make it permanent, would the Domestic Violence center be able to help with that? There must be something or some way for you to get relief! This whole thing is just mind boggling!
I'm so, SO sorry you are still dealing with this nightmare. ((((HUGS))))
I'm so glad you were able to get a TRO, and if your attorney won't help you make it permanent, would the Domestic Violence center be able to help with that? There must be something or some way for you to get relief! This whole thing is just mind boggling!
I'm so, SO sorry you are still dealing with this nightmare. ((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
Now I am the one crying (been going on a lot lately) bc your posts are all so helpful...
But I feel like a fraud for you all thinking I am so strong... I am not. Not at all.
I haven't been sleeping the past few nights, I am scared of him retaliating, I am scared of his anger for being held accountable, I am upset at how upset my kids are and his F'ing family has been calling me telling me how worried they are for him and frankly trying to pressure me to amend bail so he can see his kids...
Oh and the best part is that my lawyer who I owe thousands to bc I have NO money left, has now said she isn't a criminal lawyer and won't be involved in helping tie his arrest to the divorce (which is not final STILL).
So I feel like I am on my own left to deal with this and don't know which way is up anymore and what's right to do...
Ugh.
Im feeling like Im unraveling.
I haven't told my own family what happened bc they are not at all supportive so I feel like I am keeping up appearances and its exhausting...
I am afraid of letting my friends know what happened bc I feel like I might be blamed.
Even the police told me that they were giving him the option to turn himself in vs arrest him at work bc they wanted to "preserve his dignity". Really???? Telling me that is appropriate on what planet?????
But I feel like a fraud for you all thinking I am so strong... I am not. Not at all.
I haven't been sleeping the past few nights, I am scared of him retaliating, I am scared of his anger for being held accountable, I am upset at how upset my kids are and his F'ing family has been calling me telling me how worried they are for him and frankly trying to pressure me to amend bail so he can see his kids...
Oh and the best part is that my lawyer who I owe thousands to bc I have NO money left, has now said she isn't a criminal lawyer and won't be involved in helping tie his arrest to the divorce (which is not final STILL).
So I feel like I am on my own left to deal with this and don't know which way is up anymore and what's right to do...
Ugh.
Im feeling like Im unraveling.
I haven't told my own family what happened bc they are not at all supportive so I feel like I am keeping up appearances and its exhausting...
I am afraid of letting my friends know what happened bc I feel like I might be blamed.
Even the police told me that they were giving him the option to turn himself in vs arrest him at work bc they wanted to "preserve his dignity". Really???? Telling me that is appropriate on what planet?????
I would not back off charges to appease his family. He created this mess, not you. You are between a rock and a hard place and I am sorry. It must be horrible.
Do you have any type of protection in your home. Not trying to start a debate about this, but anything a baseball bat, mace, etc...? Do you have the number of a neighbor or emergency BIG strong contact who could help if something happens again?
What do the domestic violence people say?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
It's OK to be human, and have valid fears.
Remember, courage is not the absence of fears, but rather enduring them and moving forward DESPITE them.
In the moment that mattered, after he beat you up, you had clarity and did the right thing. Of course somebody violating your space and violently injuring your person in front of your children is upsetting. You are understandably post-traumatic right now; this is not surprising but to be expected.
I hope you can get some face to face support in a domestic violence support group.
I am so sad that you have to endure these soul-crushing circumstances and fears.
Sending gentle support hugs and a virtual soft furry quiet room where you can go to rest.
CLMI
Remember, courage is not the absence of fears, but rather enduring them and moving forward DESPITE them.
In the moment that mattered, after he beat you up, you had clarity and did the right thing. Of course somebody violating your space and violently injuring your person in front of your children is upsetting. You are understandably post-traumatic right now; this is not surprising but to be expected.
I hope you can get some face to face support in a domestic violence support group.
I am so sad that you have to endure these soul-crushing circumstances and fears.
Sending gentle support hugs and a virtual soft furry quiet room where you can go to rest.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Washington
Posts: 54
Thank you for being so honest! I, too, am going through a similar situation. My AH, hopefully soon XAH, is not happy with the boundaries I've set---I will not allow him at the house either---and so I am the bad person. I, too, am trying to protect my children and myself. I am afraid of him, his threats, his anger, his blackouts. He continues to try every tactic to get over here to the house and I am trying to stay firm. They can be so nice when they want something, but YES I have to remember how he has behaved in the past and stay diligent. Your post is helping. So sorry that so many of us have to go through those events. Thank goodness you are ok. A little battered but the soul is staying strong. Keep it up and look forward.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hmmm...when I went to an attorney, before I even hired him, he went and printed off charges my husband had in case he had to tie that and use it in the divorce. It does not sound like you have a very good attorney. This is major for your children, he is a threat to their safety.
I am so sorry. Tight Hugs. Don't hide this from people, no one can blame you, you did nothing wrong.
God Bless!
I am so sorry. Tight Hugs. Don't hide this from people, no one can blame you, you did nothing wrong.
God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Oh and the best part is that my lawyer who I owe thousands to bc I have NO money left, has now said she isn't a criminal lawyer and won't be involved in helping tie his arrest to the divorce (which is not final STILL).
Don't worry about the lawyer bills, just put something ($50?) on it every paycheck or start putting it on a credit card. Get another card. OR talk to your lawyer about how you're short on funds but you *will* pay this off. They usually just want their billings.
I haven't told my own family what happened bc they are not at all supportive so I feel like I am keeping up appearances and its exhausting...
I am afraid of letting my friends know what happened bc I feel like I might be blamed.
I am afraid of letting my friends know what happened bc I feel like I might be blamed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I feel like a fraud for you all thinking I am so strong... I am not. Not at all.
You are strong.
Not many people go through what you have gone through with their fighting spirit intact.
Crying is great -- it releases tensions and, some say, rids the body of toxins. I've noticed it takes more energy to hold emotions inside than to let them out.
I haven't been sleeping the past few nights, I am scared of him retaliating, I am scared of his anger for being held accountable, I am upset at how upset my kids are and his F'ing family has been calling me telling me how worried they are for him and frankly trying to pressure me to amend bail so he can see his kids...
Chin up. You can do this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
He successfully (with his defender of cop killers lawyer) managed to amend the no contact to be able to see the girls so I have to exchange them at the Police station at a set time a few days a week for him to see them...
I talked to close friends and all were supportive... I was just in a panic and feeling scared to tell people what had happened and it was dumb of me to worry.
I have a realtor coming tomorrow to talk to her about listing the house bc I do not want to live here anymore... In fact I want to move somewhere even if I have to stay local for now, where he won't have my address.
My lawyer was great this fall (when I had tons of funds for her) and she SUCKS now and is doing absolutely nothing bc money makes the world go round... So, I guess I better hope that the DV folks can help w a permanent RO bc she's doing nothing to help me...
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support...
I talked to close friends and all were supportive... I was just in a panic and feeling scared to tell people what had happened and it was dumb of me to worry.
I have a realtor coming tomorrow to talk to her about listing the house bc I do not want to live here anymore... In fact I want to move somewhere even if I have to stay local for now, where he won't have my address.
My lawyer was great this fall (when I had tons of funds for her) and she SUCKS now and is doing absolutely nothing bc money makes the world go round... So, I guess I better hope that the DV folks can help w a permanent RO bc she's doing nothing to help me...
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Do whatever you have to do. Exchanging the girls at the police station is better than him coming to your home. Even something as vile as he is wouldn't attack you at the police station. I too hope the DV folks can do for you what your attorney can't or won't.
I wish I knew what to say to make this better for you. As I said before, this thing has been totally bizarre from the get-go. I wish I could give you a huge HUG!
I wish I knew what to say to make this better for you. As I said before, this thing has been totally bizarre from the get-go. I wish I could give you a huge HUG!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: idaho
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
As many of you know, the moronic judge in my divorce disregarded my input and my lawyers saying that having xAH come HERE to my house to get our children for school in the morning was a bad idea...
Said in her ruling that the petitioner (me) was not being cooperative and that my suggestion of meeting at the police station or somewhere public was disruptive to the girls and that as a well respected coach and teacher (him) she trusted that he and I could be civil and exchange the girls etc... She totally gave me an attitude frankly and it was BS but I have lived with it since Fall bc I am not a judge and I had no choice but to go with it.
So I made the best of it and acted with safety being in the forefront of my mind and for months and months I held firm to my telling him he had to wait in the car and NOT come to the house itself...
Over the last month I loosened those boundaries and said that it was okay for him to come up to the door and we were even able to exchange some info that way and it was largely okay... I let my guard down... STUPIDLY. I thought he was able to behave sanely and I forgot that he is and always will be an abuser and he reminded me the hard way of this lesson yesterday.
Yesterday he showed up in a rage, tried to barge in... Thank god I leave the house locked all the time. He stood on the porch screaming and yelling about his having been served with charges of being in contempt, that I am crazy and out to get him etc... I texted him to go to the car and that once he did I would send the girls out and that he could not be in the house itself anymore...
Instead, he stood on the porch steps for 40 min texting me that I was refusing to send the girls out and was in contempt myself and that I was making him late... When it got to the point that I was about to be late to work and I assumed he was going to be calm and just take the girls and go, I unlocked the door to send the girls out and he blew up, came barging in swinging and yelling, hit me repeatedly etc... Girls witnessed it all and were and are traumatized.
I called the police immediately and he took off and went to work.
They arrested him at work-- he is a teacher and will probably lose his job as he should-- and he was charged with 3 separate counts of assault and there is a no contact order that will remain in place indefinitely at least until his arraignment at the end of March. My lawyer filed for a permanent restraining order today and a temporary one was granted for 30 days so he will have no contact with me for that time frame. Whether he will be able to have some kind of supervised visiting with the girls during the next month remains to be seen.
So, lesson here is that no matter how calm or tame an A seems to be acting NEVER EVER let your guard down...
And as bad as this was this is the first time I haven't waffled about how to react. I stood up for myself immediately, was calm when the police came, was matter of fact and I showed my daughters that no man will EVER puts his hands on me and walk away without consequences.
I wont make the mistake again of ever letting him close enough to do something like that and I am pretty sure the idiot court system in this state might want to rethink forcing an ex spouse to have her abusive ex come to her house daily...
Said in her ruling that the petitioner (me) was not being cooperative and that my suggestion of meeting at the police station or somewhere public was disruptive to the girls and that as a well respected coach and teacher (him) she trusted that he and I could be civil and exchange the girls etc... She totally gave me an attitude frankly and it was BS but I have lived with it since Fall bc I am not a judge and I had no choice but to go with it.
So I made the best of it and acted with safety being in the forefront of my mind and for months and months I held firm to my telling him he had to wait in the car and NOT come to the house itself...
Over the last month I loosened those boundaries and said that it was okay for him to come up to the door and we were even able to exchange some info that way and it was largely okay... I let my guard down... STUPIDLY. I thought he was able to behave sanely and I forgot that he is and always will be an abuser and he reminded me the hard way of this lesson yesterday.
Yesterday he showed up in a rage, tried to barge in... Thank god I leave the house locked all the time. He stood on the porch screaming and yelling about his having been served with charges of being in contempt, that I am crazy and out to get him etc... I texted him to go to the car and that once he did I would send the girls out and that he could not be in the house itself anymore...
Instead, he stood on the porch steps for 40 min texting me that I was refusing to send the girls out and was in contempt myself and that I was making him late... When it got to the point that I was about to be late to work and I assumed he was going to be calm and just take the girls and go, I unlocked the door to send the girls out and he blew up, came barging in swinging and yelling, hit me repeatedly etc... Girls witnessed it all and were and are traumatized.
I called the police immediately and he took off and went to work.
They arrested him at work-- he is a teacher and will probably lose his job as he should-- and he was charged with 3 separate counts of assault and there is a no contact order that will remain in place indefinitely at least until his arraignment at the end of March. My lawyer filed for a permanent restraining order today and a temporary one was granted for 30 days so he will have no contact with me for that time frame. Whether he will be able to have some kind of supervised visiting with the girls during the next month remains to be seen.
So, lesson here is that no matter how calm or tame an A seems to be acting NEVER EVER let your guard down...
And as bad as this was this is the first time I haven't waffled about how to react. I stood up for myself immediately, was calm when the police came, was matter of fact and I showed my daughters that no man will EVER puts his hands on me and walk away without consequences.
I wont make the mistake again of ever letting him close enough to do something like that and I am pretty sure the idiot court system in this state might want to rethink forcing an ex spouse to have her abusive ex come to her house daily...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
He successfully (with his defender of cop killers lawyer) managed to amend the no contact to be able to see the girls so I have to exchange them at the Police station at a set time a few days a week for him to see them...
I talked to close friends and all were supportive... I was just in a panic and feeling scared to tell people what had happened and it was dumb of me to worry.
I have a realtor coming tomorrow to talk to her about listing the house bc I do not want to live here anymore... In fact I want to move somewhere even if I have to stay local for now, where he won't have my address.
My lawyer was great this fall (when I had tons of funds for her) and she SUCKS now and is doing absolutely nothing bc money makes the world go round... So, I guess I better hope that the DV folks can help w a permanent RO bc she's doing nothing to help me...
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support...
I talked to close friends and all were supportive... I was just in a panic and feeling scared to tell people what had happened and it was dumb of me to worry.
I have a realtor coming tomorrow to talk to her about listing the house bc I do not want to live here anymore... In fact I want to move somewhere even if I have to stay local for now, where he won't have my address.
My lawyer was great this fall (when I had tons of funds for her) and she SUCKS now and is doing absolutely nothing bc money makes the world go round... So, I guess I better hope that the DV folks can help w a permanent RO bc she's doing nothing to help me...
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
This guy isn't just an alcoholic - he has a personality disorder. Most likely he's a narcissist - the fact he still has so many people eating out of his hand when he is a dangerous bully would support that theory.
I've been following your story since it first began here. I have no idea how you've survived it all so far & how you & the kids are still sane. But you are. And now something has changed, & for once his abuse has worked in your favour, & hopefully the worst is finally behind you.
I wish for peace & serenity to finally find you & your brave girls.
I've been following your story since it first began here. I have no idea how you've survived it all so far & how you & the kids are still sane. But you are. And now something has changed, & for once his abuse has worked in your favour, & hopefully the worst is finally behind you.
I wish for peace & serenity to finally find you & your brave girls.
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