Pamel

Hi Woodman,

I am so sorry for you (and your son) in this situation...

My experience (as the alcoholic here): the 3rd time (in rehab) did it for me, at least so far. It was worth going to the same place because by the time I got there for #3 the staff was pretty well "onto" me, and somehow, pounded some sense into my head.

These were all 14 day experiences, the first, paid for completely by my insurance, the 2nd by my bf (he is 74 and I am 68) and the 3rd, also paid for by him, but when I got out I insisted that I pay for it. To my surprise, the rehab made a no-interest payment plan, and I have been very careful to make those payments. (I am no longer working "per se" but have freelance to supplement SS.)

I think it would be good for your wife to have to have a job when she gets out, and for you both to be upfront with the rehab as to making payment arrangements. She would need to go to a halfway house, I think, for the first 3 months.

I guess I believe you should help her out this one more time (for the 90 days) and make it VERY CLEAR that this is it. (That is the relationship the bf and I have.) If I drink, we are done (maybe something I should have had the guts to do long ago, but he has been awfully good to me and we are trying to make the relationship work).

The rehab itself can help in this effort; mine was pretty aware of my do-or-die situation and directed a lot of counseling at that.

So, in short, my take would be that she go back to one of the same rehabs (where they know her) for a 90-day stint, that you go together to see what kind of payment plans can be worked out (that SHE can handle with a job), and you make it clear that a sober-living house for 3+ months afterward is an absolute.

readerbaby71

I agree. Let your wife figure this one out on her own. Rehab's expensive and the cost of education is astronomical these days. I'd rather put the money toward my kids' school too.

Sweets03

I'm going to private message you.

Hammer

"Scientifically Speaking" ( )

Has bailing and paying been producing a desired result?

If not, I would propose you cease.

My experience is that investing in this crap, brings you more of this crap.

I would propose you stop.

And pray for MIL. Her problem, now.

mattmathews

The idea that you didn't cause it, you can't cure her and you can't control her must have been drummed into you hundreds of times by now...but do you believe it? In your gut?

She looks at you thru a haze and says "help me."
You want to help, you think you should help.

At some point in time (and I think you're there), it's not about her, it's about you. You described it as handing her the keys and pointing her to a cliff. The reality is she's already got the keys (and she's always had the keys). She's already headed toward the cliff...and you're tied to the bumper with your heels dug in, pulling furiously. Somehow, I think you know that you're not powerful enough to win that battle. But you can untie that rope anytime you want to. If you don't untie it, you're in real danger of going down with her.

When she looks at you and says "help me," you need to believe that you can't, that you're not helping. She needs to help herself. We can give the alcoholic support and encouragement, but they have do the work. She's been to rehab 3 times...she has the tools. She knows what she needs to do.

Your kids need you. Kids often grow up more angry at the sober parent than at the alcoholic. They know the alcoholic is sick...but you're supposed to be the strong one. The sane one. What are you doing for yourself? What's keeping you sane in this situation?

allforcnm

I think its true that many people have an internal locus of control; and psychotherapy, and CBT approaches work well because the focus is back on their own abilities, and self reliance. If she has never tried it, then she doesnt have those tools. They can also be learned with a therapist if she had the motivation to see one on a regular basis. I also think some people have a more external locus of control and groups like AA fill that need. In either one you can have religion and spirituality as the primary source of strength.

Its true we just never know what will work, and we do all have limits. Its a decision only you can make.

Regarding Hazelton as it was mentioned by another poster. If your looking for 12 step, they actually have spent the last couple of years incorporating evidence based approaches into their treatment; so I agree its a good choice. I recently posted this article, written by the medical director of Hazelton and how they perceive addiction.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-lies.html

iwanthappiness

I have mixed feelings on this. My AH has been to 4 different 30 day costly treatment centers within the last 3 years and chose the last 2 of them on his own. Obviously, none of them worked as he quickly relapsed after everyone of them.

We recently relocated to an area that has better medical care and his MD referred him to a psychiatrist. He was diagnosed with bi-polar type II. His psych MD also believes that he has been self medicating for a long time now. None of the rehab facilities or previous psych evaluations revealed any psych disorder.

Now he is on medications to "level his brain out." He recently had a terrible relapse (hence the separation) and was able to pull himself out of this ON HIS OWN (did admit himself to a 3 day detox). I honestly thought he would not make it through. It was the hardest decision in my life not to save him. He was living in his car for 4 days straight in freezing temperatures. Would not eat, change his clothes, etc. Every time he called, I hung up. Believe me, this took a ton of strength because I have ALWAYS saved him in the past......called ambulances (3 times), took him the ER several times, etc. At one point, he registered a 0.4 when I drove him to the ER.

My dad, who is a recovering A, states that most of his recovering addicted friends from Vietnam War who were seriously addicted to many different drugs and alcohol state that "hitting bottom" is the only reason they are still alive today. No fancy rehabs, only detoxes.

This is just my opinion......from my own personal experience.

It was also recently discovered that my AH was sexually molested as a child. He kept this hidden throughout all of his rehab stents. This has finally surfaced and he is able to begin the healing process......I hope.

Seren

Hello Woodman,

I know this must be a heart-wrenching time for you--trying to decide whether or not to pay for another stint in rehab when others have not brought about any change in your wife's behavior whatsoever.

I don't think any of us are truly qualified to advise you how to proceed. Although I doubt that your wife would agree to go, the Salvation Army's Adult Rehabilitation program does have an excellent reputation and is absolutely free.

If you wife goes through a hospital detox again, you can contact the social worker at the hospital. Frequently the social workers have a vast store of information about local facilities as well as any that offer 'scholarships' for families in need.

Whatever you decide, we will support you. You, and your wife, are in my prayers.

iwanthappiness

I currently have a friend going through the salvation armys treatment program. He also has been to several other rehab programs in the past. From what I've heard through his family, he really likes it and feels as though the "team" truly cares about his recovery.

Jazzman

Hello Woodman, your posts hit home for me because I was once where you are now. I threw in the towel after the second failed rehab, second totaled car, etc.. By the time a third stint in rehab was on the table I decided a better investment would be in my own peace and my childrens future with no more chaos.

Good luck to you sir, my heart goes out to you.