Ex Fiancé - Recovering Alcoholic and on Depatoke

Old 02-09-2014, 08:12 PM
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Ex Fiancé - Recovering Alcoholic and on Depatoke

Hello,

My ex fiancé and father of my child. Is currently on Depatoke for his moods. I think he has been sober 4 months now but this past month he has been pushing me away. He was in a 6 month program with Kaiser but stop going after 3 months. Right now he tells me that he never loved me and claims he was going through the motions with me. Most likely in a week or so he will want to work on things again. At this point I have been keeping my distance from him and keeping my conversations with him only about our son. Is his behavior common in early sobriety?? Should I also be concern about the medication he is on (Depatoke 3 x 250mg twice a day )??
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Old 02-09-2014, 11:22 PM
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Hey there,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. While my XAF did not take that medication, he did tell me that he never loved me. He told me that what we had was out of convenience and that it wasn't anything real (even though we were together for seven long-distance years). Then, later, he would tell me he loves me again. It really hurt my feelings and screwed with my head. So, I wanted to chime in here because I remember how horrible I would feel whenever he would say that. How do you feel when he says that to you? I know that our situations are different, but I'm really sorry he said that to you. As difficult as it may be, try not to emotionally respond to it. Granted, I still do. But it is a calm response that I keep to myself and I am able to quickly think myself out of my pain by remembering his chaotic style of thinking - it has nothing to do with me (or you)!

Hang in there
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Old 02-10-2014, 04:33 AM
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Hello Beyourself,

I use to be very emotional and cry every day. All the mean things he said to me definitely messed with my head. I felt like I was going into an deep depression at one point.

I snapped out of being emotional and crying in front of him. I just walk away from the situation. The next day I do tell him he wasn't right saying hurtful things to me. But by then he has nothing to say. The past 4 months have definitely been a roller coaster.
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Old 02-10-2014, 07:06 AM
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I think that's about the most hurtful thing a person can say to someone that they supposedly love.
"I never loved you and I was going through the motions".

Ok. Truth is out then, huh?
It seems to me we have to take this at face value. If he finds that acceptable to say to you, in your shoes I would walk away and let go.
I don't know about that drug or any side effects.
But I do know that when someone says what he said, it is time to walk away until that person discovers that treating someone they actually do love like that is beyond unacceptable, it is the lowest thing to say.
With consequences and realizing they have destroyed love and trust, perhaps they will stop treating someone they do love (to whatever degree) like dirt.
Otherwise, if they were speaking the truth on any level, there is nothing to be lost from walking away from him.
I think it was as hurtful a thing to say as there can be.
So where in you is it unacceptable to be hurt to that degree?
You would never say that to someone you love, right?
Newly sober, back to drinking, or even possibly affected by this drug, unacceptable is still unacceptable.
What he said leaves no room for a relationship does it?
So until if ever he decides he doesn't want to hurt people he loves to such horrible extreme, he deserves to be on his own.
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Old 02-10-2014, 07:51 AM
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Hello Blueskies,

I have told him I am walking away from him now. I couldn't take the emotional abuse anymore. What I have learned is that he was like this with all his ex girlfriends. But with me we have a child. Seems like he is only upset with me and is pushing me away. Like i was his toxin, he argues with me easily. Keep in mind I don't even like drinking and more of a home body. He claims to be feeling great when I'm not around. So I just keep my distance now since I need to be healthy for my son.

We haven't live together in 4 months and I'm in the process of getting all my things out of his place. Next step will be child support...
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Old 02-10-2014, 08:10 AM
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Well, if he was like this with others, then this is how he treats people as a rule. You're not the exception even with sharing a child. Sad but true, this is who he currently is, and waiting for him to become somebody else is wasting your life away, not fair to you at all. He may never change and continue to treat women like that forever.

He feels great when you aren't around, huh?
Boy, this guy really knows how to manipulate you into feeling badly about yourself.
Let's say that was all honesty.
If I felt that way about someone, I would keep it to myself and not tell them, because what is the point in purposely hurting someone that way?
Abuse, yes, you have nailed it.
Ok then! He needs to be off in life where he feels "great".

He's abusive yet...the best reaction I think is to take his words as truth. Humbly. You feel great when I'm not around? Ok, then, matter settled, we will spend no more time together.

Sounds like you are doing the right physical steps...get your stuff, get the child support, yep.
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Old 02-10-2014, 12:08 PM
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Hello Blueskies,

Yes I am trying to move forward now and heal from my broken heart. It is hard at times since I have to see him every day due to my son. But everyday it gets a little easier.

I just wonder why he is soo cold and heartless? But I just guess he has some other personal issues he needs to deal with. I was supporting him and didnt want to just walk away from him. But I know he needs to help himself.
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Old 02-10-2014, 01:57 PM
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Is he Bi-Polar?
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Old 02-10-2014, 02:06 PM
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Hello Redatlanta,

He has never told me he was. But I think he is.
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Old 02-14-2014, 06:12 PM
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Wondering why he is being given Depakote - just sayin most of the time its for Bi Polar.
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Old 02-14-2014, 07:11 PM
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Redatlanta,
I think he truly is.
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Old 02-14-2014, 07:47 PM
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Well sobriety and bi polar are two separate issues commonly found together. Not unusual for a BP to self medicate with alcohol or other drugs.

I can't say that you would often find this behavior in the newly sober. Certainly they can be stand offish, and prickish at times.

What I can tell you is the behavior sounds very much like BP. I think you should be concerned about whether or not he is properly medicated, it doesn't sound like it. What you can do about it is another story - there isn't much - just like you can't make someone stop drinking.

BP is very controllable though it can take a while to find the right combos of drugs. Depakote is a really old medication used for BP. There are way better options now a days.
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Old 02-15-2014, 05:14 AM
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Christinastar,

How did you find XFs depakote? Did he tell u, were they out or did u go snooping? You don't have to answer this, just look at your behavior.

Nonetheless, it does make a little more sense that XF might have dual diagnosis with some of his cruel and almost baiting treatment that you have described. There are some book recommendations and mental health sections here on SR that might help you see you are not crazy and part of BPD is this sudden jerking between love and dismissal. I think due to abandonment issues. But understanding a piece of his problem doesn't mean you can fix him.

My concern here is u have a son with an A/BPD so you can't entirely go no contact. Previous advice to get your stuff and your car remain good steps. Start truly treating this relationship as an X. Take his lead in the matter. He is going to keep moving on and rubbing your nose in it for sure.

Sometimes I am stronger when I act as a mother. Do this for your son so you can set up a Normie haven for him now while he is still small.
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Old 02-15-2014, 05:35 AM
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Whoops I apologize you think bipolar and I thought borderline personality.

Sorry!
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Old 02-15-2014, 06:15 AM
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Hello Codejob,

He told me he was on the medication just for his mood swings. He never told me he was bi polar.
He has the medication on the kitchen table. My main concern is how he treats me and how he is with my son. He lives alone.
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