Alone in the spare room again with emergency rations, Drunk husband downstairs.
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
And that, my friend, is all you need to know.
You don't need to have him diagnosed by 20 international specialists as an .
I think I need to work on myself/my boundaries and see where that leaves me.
Financially I cant leave & emotionally I do not want to....but I do need to change, that I do know. Me.
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Originally Posted by deafhound
Yes...Pamel: re quacking: I guess we all do it to some extent. I know I do sometimes....
Well, as kind of evidence husband is/was quacking...
Husband has now appeared in tears saying the dog has really hurt his feelings and he doesn't understand why she would bite him...he's really hurt...feels really rejected...blah,blah
all part of the great rollercoaster ride of living with a drunk.
Well, as kind of evidence husband is/was quacking...
Husband has now appeared in tears saying the dog has really hurt his feelings and he doesn't understand why she would bite him...he's really hurt...feels really rejected...blah,blah
all part of the great rollercoaster ride of living with a drunk.
Wow really the dog?
Congratulations Doctor deafhound
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Thankyou radiant.
Yes the dog. It progressed to a 15 minute monologue - all to the dog - about how hurt he was, how he would never hurt the dog's feelings, how he was just a bit pissed...ended with the dog licking his nose and tears in his eyes.
A first class performance.
What did he say to me? That I have to clean up the blood he got on the curtain and that he is not going to do it becuase it is my dog and my responsibility.
Then he kissed the dog goodnight and asked if I would be sleeping with him.
Pffft.
Yes the dog. It progressed to a 15 minute monologue - all to the dog - about how hurt he was, how he would never hurt the dog's feelings, how he was just a bit pissed...ended with the dog licking his nose and tears in his eyes.
A first class performance.
What did he say to me? That I have to clean up the blood he got on the curtain and that he is not going to do it becuase it is my dog and my responsibility.
Then he kissed the dog goodnight and asked if I would be sleeping with him.
Pffft.
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Originally Posted by deafhound
Thankyou radiant.
Yes the dog. It progressed to a 15 minute monologue - all to the dog - about how hurt he was, how he would never hurt the dog's feelings, how he was just a bit pissed...ended with the dog licking his nose and tears in his eyes.
A first class performance.
What did he say to me? That I have to clean up the blood he got on the curtain and that he is not going to do it becuase it is my dog and my responsibility.
Then he kissed the dog goodnight and asked if I would be sleeping with him.
Pffft.
Yes the dog. It progressed to a 15 minute monologue - all to the dog - about how hurt he was, how he would never hurt the dog's feelings, how he was just a bit pissed...ended with the dog licking his nose and tears in his eyes.
A first class performance.
What did he say to me? That I have to clean up the blood he got on the curtain and that he is not going to do it becuase it is my dog and my responsibility.
Then he kissed the dog goodnight and asked if I would be sleeping with him.
Pffft.
Wow i'm sorry you and the poor doggie are going through this.
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On cleaning up blood- he ought to be the one to do it, but probably won't, since he has decided it is your responsibility. So if you want to salvage the curtains, try hydrogen peroxide. I cleaned up insane amounts of blood when I was with my ex (he was an extremely accident-prone drunk). Hydrogen peroxide did the trick every time, just don't let the stain set.
Yeah, mine also used to take things the animals did really personally too. To the point where he would actually try to fight with them (like verbal arguments, with animals). Total crazymaking. Sorry you're here, but you're in the right place. Welcome.
Yeah, mine also used to take things the animals did really personally too. To the point where he would actually try to fight with them (like verbal arguments, with animals). Total crazymaking. Sorry you're here, but you're in the right place. Welcome.
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radiant: your post b4 editing made me laugh 
lady scibbler: Thanks for tip - yes I will have to do it or it wont get done at all. I had forgotton about not letting blood set.
Arguments with the animals - yeah. we keep fish too...am waiting for the day he starts on them
thanks to everyone. It has been one of those days, but it could be worse.
I posting here has made the world of difference to how I feel.
You know it took a bit of courage to write that first post, I feel llike a bit of an idiot tbh.
But I am glad I did write it.
And thanks to all the replies - it meant a lot, it has helped me laugh a bit at the crazy stuff rather than just feel depressed and alone.
So I am going to go to sleep now in my nice peaceful spare room. He will feel like crap tomorrow, but that is not my problem. Best wishes to anyone who reads this.
lady scibbler: Thanks for tip - yes I will have to do it or it wont get done at all. I had forgotton about not letting blood set.
Arguments with the animals - yeah. we keep fish too...am waiting for the day he starts on them
thanks to everyone. It has been one of those days, but it could be worse.
I posting here has made the world of difference to how I feel.
You know it took a bit of courage to write that first post, I feel llike a bit of an idiot tbh.
But I am glad I did write it.
And thanks to all the replies - it meant a lot, it has helped me laugh a bit at the crazy stuff rather than just feel depressed and alone.
So I am going to go to sleep now in my nice peaceful spare room. He will feel like crap tomorrow, but that is not my problem. Best wishes to anyone who reads this.
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First of all. Congratulations!
Secondly he can't take this from you even though he is trying. That is why he's getting drunk.
Don't give him any power over you by thinking he can take it from you,he can't, it's your achievement.
Take care of YOU.
Secondly he can't take this from you even though he is trying. That is why he's getting drunk.
Don't give him any power over you by thinking he can take it from you,he can't, it's your achievement.
Take care of YOU.
Originally Posted by deafhound
Hello.
I'm new, but have been reading threads for a while. I don't know if my husband (of 10yrs) is an alcoholic. I do know that I cant cope being with him when he gets drunk and I don't know what to do about that. Recently I have suffered panic attacks and I get extremely anxious if there is a prospect of him getting drunk, particularly if his adult RAS is present. I don't know what to do with this feeling, or how to respond.
Right now I am avoiding - I am sitting in the spare room with a stash of food and water. As crazy as this sounds I am counting myself lucky in that I was able to get to the kitchen and get myself some dinner without it leading to a fight (My husband cooks...If I go and get my own dinner he often (when drunk) implies I am only doing it to 'nag')
I just cannot handle drunken behaviour. It is like trying to communicate with a random personality generator - you never know what way it will go. Talking to a drunk is so intense but so meaningless at the same time.
So here I am, an adult woman, hiding in the spare room. wtf?!
yesterday was one of the most significant days of my life...I gained my PhD. When I woke up this morning I said to my husband "I feel that I have achieved something that can never be taken away from me."
Well, come early afternoon I had a sleep (been a hard week!). Seems that someone kidnapped my kind and happy husband whilst I was gone and replaced him with a druken idiot.
I said to him straight (well a bit tearfully TBH..I wish I could stay calmer) "I cant be around you like this. I cant control what you do, and I dont want to have to sleep in the spare room, but this upsets me too much and that is basically how it is"
It's Ok he said. I wont be getting drinking more. I'll make dinner and we can watch a movie.
Yeah right..5 hours later and half the drinks cabinet must be gone.
And that achievement I said can't be taken away from me?
I certainly feel he's doing a b****y good job of trying.
(and yes I know it's not his job to praise me (!), but...Why today?!)
I'm sorry for ranting. It is a jumble, I know. I have been reading some of the stickies/threads. i just wish I could sort out my anxiety...it is like I dont know where my crazy becomes his crazy anymore, if that makes sense?
I just am so grateful to have read all the posts here and feel like I am not alone.
I'm new, but have been reading threads for a while. I don't know if my husband (of 10yrs) is an alcoholic. I do know that I cant cope being with him when he gets drunk and I don't know what to do about that. Recently I have suffered panic attacks and I get extremely anxious if there is a prospect of him getting drunk, particularly if his adult RAS is present. I don't know what to do with this feeling, or how to respond.
Right now I am avoiding - I am sitting in the spare room with a stash of food and water. As crazy as this sounds I am counting myself lucky in that I was able to get to the kitchen and get myself some dinner without it leading to a fight (My husband cooks...If I go and get my own dinner he often (when drunk) implies I am only doing it to 'nag')
I just cannot handle drunken behaviour. It is like trying to communicate with a random personality generator - you never know what way it will go. Talking to a drunk is so intense but so meaningless at the same time.
So here I am, an adult woman, hiding in the spare room. wtf?!
yesterday was one of the most significant days of my life...I gained my PhD. When I woke up this morning I said to my husband "I feel that I have achieved something that can never be taken away from me."
Well, come early afternoon I had a sleep (been a hard week!). Seems that someone kidnapped my kind and happy husband whilst I was gone and replaced him with a druken idiot.
I said to him straight (well a bit tearfully TBH..I wish I could stay calmer) "I cant be around you like this. I cant control what you do, and I dont want to have to sleep in the spare room, but this upsets me too much and that is basically how it is"
It's Ok he said. I wont be getting drinking more. I'll make dinner and we can watch a movie.
Yeah right..5 hours later and half the drinks cabinet must be gone.
And that achievement I said can't be taken away from me?
I certainly feel he's doing a b****y good job of trying.
(and yes I know it's not his job to praise me (!), but...Why today?!)
I'm sorry for ranting. It is a jumble, I know. I have been reading some of the stickies/threads. i just wish I could sort out my anxiety...it is like I dont know where my crazy becomes his crazy anymore, if that makes sense?
I just am so grateful to have read all the posts here and feel like I am not alone.
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Hello again.
Firstly, thankyou Earthworm.
I thought I would update.
I got up this morning to find him sitting on sofa looking sorry for himself.
Convo went something along the lines of...
AH "I feel really bad and the dog bit me."
Me: "Well, of course you feel bad & the dog bit you because you went into her basket when U were drunk."
AH: " You dont care."
Me: " You know yesterday I said I have achieved something noone can take away...well, it feels to me like you were doing a damn good job of trying. I feel like someone kidnapped my husband and replaced him with a drunken idiot."
AH: "This isn't about you."
Me: "You're right. This isn't about me. I didn't make you drink."
AH: "You don't care."
Me: "No, you are right I don't care. It isn't my problem. It isn't about me.
AH: "So what do you want me to do? You know you are going a good way to get yourself evicted. The dog bit me."
AH: "It isn't about me. I am not picking up the pieces for you, today. You feel like crap because you got drunk. You can go back to bed and have a long hard think about that."
It is really interesting that I didn't engage with the 'i will evict you' threat, whereas once I would have latched onto that and basically proved the point he tries to make that I am making it all about me. So many games I don't want to play anymore....am learning as I go.
edit to say: It is really, really hard to engage in this type of convo in a way that doesn't justify the AH's claim that I am making it all about me....I guess that is a pretty common theme in this type of situation? Hard!
Firstly, thankyou Earthworm.
I thought I would update.
I got up this morning to find him sitting on sofa looking sorry for himself.
Convo went something along the lines of...
AH "I feel really bad and the dog bit me."
Me: "Well, of course you feel bad & the dog bit you because you went into her basket when U were drunk."
AH: " You dont care."
Me: " You know yesterday I said I have achieved something noone can take away...well, it feels to me like you were doing a damn good job of trying. I feel like someone kidnapped my husband and replaced him with a drunken idiot."
AH: "This isn't about you."
Me: "You're right. This isn't about me. I didn't make you drink."
AH: "You don't care."
Me: "No, you are right I don't care. It isn't my problem. It isn't about me.
AH: "So what do you want me to do? You know you are going a good way to get yourself evicted. The dog bit me."
AH: "It isn't about me. I am not picking up the pieces for you, today. You feel like crap because you got drunk. You can go back to bed and have a long hard think about that."
It is really interesting that I didn't engage with the 'i will evict you' threat, whereas once I would have latched onto that and basically proved the point he tries to make that I am making it all about me. So many games I don't want to play anymore....am learning as I go.
edit to say: It is really, really hard to engage in this type of convo in a way that doesn't justify the AH's claim that I am making it all about me....I guess that is a pretty common theme in this type of situation? Hard!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
deafhound, please keep an eye on your dog--who knows when or if your AH will decide to make good on his threat of killing her? It would be so awful if anything happened to your hound friend. And please don't underestimate your A and what he might be capable of if he truly feels threatened (and he may indeed feel threatened by the changes he sees in you). Hurting you thru your dog might make sense to him when he's drunk....
Take care of yourself and that little terrier friend!
Take care of yourself and that little terrier friend!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Congratulations Dr Deafhound! I am currently working on my doctorate, so I can appreciate how hard you worked to reach that milestone!!!
A couple of years back, when my RABF was still very active in his disease, I trained for an IM triathlon. 2.6mi swim, 112mi bike, 26.2mi run. Not easy. I trained really really hard for over a year. It was made harder by the addiction in my house. I got blamed all the time for his drinking. I was spending too much time training, not home enough, not focused on us etc etc. It was all just guilt and blame shifting. He told friends he was proud of me. When I was home, he was drunk and ignoring me, so wtf??? I was determined to not let him derail me, and he didn't. The race was out of state, and I told him he wasn't coming. About 2 weeks before the race, he tells me he's really proud of me and wants to come. Promises to stay sober. So I give in. I completed my race, and felt like you did. No one can ever take this away from me. He comes up to me at the finish line, and almost knocks me over when he hugs me. He is a drunk disaster. He actually did manage to steal that finish line moment from me. Ugh. That was it. When we got home, I started packing.
Don't feel any guilt for whatever it took to get your doctorate. The A will use whatever they can to make us feel guilty. Then they don't have to take any responsibility. Find an AlAnon group near you, and start to work on your recovery. You deserve a better life than hiding in a room with your dog.
FWIW, my cat was scared of my BF when he was drinking. If he entered a room she ran out. Animals have a sense when things aren't right. So protect your dog, your AH may act out when drunk and not be aware of what he's doing. Don't let that dog become collateral damage.
A couple of years back, when my RABF was still very active in his disease, I trained for an IM triathlon. 2.6mi swim, 112mi bike, 26.2mi run. Not easy. I trained really really hard for over a year. It was made harder by the addiction in my house. I got blamed all the time for his drinking. I was spending too much time training, not home enough, not focused on us etc etc. It was all just guilt and blame shifting. He told friends he was proud of me. When I was home, he was drunk and ignoring me, so wtf??? I was determined to not let him derail me, and he didn't. The race was out of state, and I told him he wasn't coming. About 2 weeks before the race, he tells me he's really proud of me and wants to come. Promises to stay sober. So I give in. I completed my race, and felt like you did. No one can ever take this away from me. He comes up to me at the finish line, and almost knocks me over when he hugs me. He is a drunk disaster. He actually did manage to steal that finish line moment from me. Ugh. That was it. When we got home, I started packing.
Don't feel any guilt for whatever it took to get your doctorate. The A will use whatever they can to make us feel guilty. Then they don't have to take any responsibility. Find an AlAnon group near you, and start to work on your recovery. You deserve a better life than hiding in a room with your dog.
FWIW, my cat was scared of my BF when he was drinking. If he entered a room she ran out. Animals have a sense when things aren't right. So protect your dog, your AH may act out when drunk and not be aware of what he's doing. Don't let that dog become collateral damage.
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Congrats on the PhD what an accomplishment!
I'm sorry that this happened on this day. Yet, it is the way it is with a drunk. It would seem that at least there could be one day, one request, one something that would be meaningful enough to them that they wouldn't ruin something important.
And…….that's the crux of alcoholism. Every day is the SAME DAY. Every day is a repeat - wake up from stupor, and spend the entire day focused on booze. Therefore, every day is the same for you as well - wake up, clean up, listen to b******t, wonder if he will get drunk, he does, drama ensues, he passes out, you go to bed, rinse and repeat.
Its insanity.
Good thing you don't have a Rottweiler or Pitbull or he might be missing a hand today. That your tiny jack Russell was hiding scared is very sad - even more sad that the A threatened to kill him. I hope you will protect that little one he is no match for a raging alcoholic, and neither are you. Safety first my dear - when people show you who they are believe them.
I'm sorry that this happened on this day. Yet, it is the way it is with a drunk. It would seem that at least there could be one day, one request, one something that would be meaningful enough to them that they wouldn't ruin something important.
And…….that's the crux of alcoholism. Every day is the SAME DAY. Every day is a repeat - wake up from stupor, and spend the entire day focused on booze. Therefore, every day is the same for you as well - wake up, clean up, listen to b******t, wonder if he will get drunk, he does, drama ensues, he passes out, you go to bed, rinse and repeat.
Its insanity.
Good thing you don't have a Rottweiler or Pitbull or he might be missing a hand today. That your tiny jack Russell was hiding scared is very sad - even more sad that the A threatened to kill him. I hope you will protect that little one he is no match for a raging alcoholic, and neither are you. Safety first my dear - when people show you who they are believe them.
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