Ohnoess

One of my oldest friends is an alcoholic and an addict. Very long story short, she has historically had many enablers in her life (including a stepfather that was giving her rent and an allowance.... this woman is 34 years old) and plenty of others who have cut her off completely. I don't give her money, I dont let her come to my house anymore, but I do answer her calls because I know that if she really does hit her bottom I will be the one she calls. I've known many addicts in my life, I've been one myself, and I've cut plenty of people out but I can't abandon this girl for some reason. She rarely calls me, I think she is embarrassed.
A year and a half ago she called me, hysterical and scared and begged for help. Her sister paid for a very expensive inpatient program and because my friends entire family (other than the one sister, who was nine months pregnant at the time and couldn't drive) refused to take her I picked her up, let her sleep on the couch, and drove her to rehab the next day.
Now she is drinking again, and says she is not on drugs (meth) but as a former tweaker I call B.S. on that I can spot one a mile away. She called me again, begging and crying, from another state, for me to help her get home and into some kind of inpatient detox.
I don't know how to help her. I have small children, a family, and I'm in a good place but I still struggle with depression(this is why I got into uppers in the first place) and have to work hard to stay happy and balanced. I'm also a few weeks away from opening a restaurant. My plate is full. She can't come to my house I don't trust her. I'm getting calls and texts saying "it's really bad I'm scared"... She is screaming for help. The free inpatient stuff here has a long waiting list, I have no clue how to bring her home. What can I do? I told her to go to the hospital but I know she won't go alone. She is in a strange city and has run out of friends there. This sucks. I can't rescue her again.

Ohnoess

We got into this stuff together as teenagers. She was always more scared to experiment, I was the one who always said yes to everything. I feel guilt and obligation, even though that was a very long time ago.

Hammer

First place most Alanon stuff starts is with the 3 C's.

Sounds like that is pretty much where you are at.

So First Thing:

YOU Cannot or Did Not: Cause, Cure, or Control -- ANYONE's Alcoholism or Addiction.

Yeah, I know that is a Big Thing to Get -- at least at first -- YOU just Cannot and Did Not.

Mull that over a bit, and we will move forward.

Ohnoess

Yeah but I didn't help. I never had a problem with opiates (thank god.. shudders) but I'm still pissed at the guy who gave me heroin for the first time. That dude is still in my circle of friends and every time I hear his name I think... I was seventeen years old you ******* what were you thinking?!

Ohnoess

Helping someone into rehab is not enabling. Right? Even if it's over and over again? I see these emotional emergency calls as manipulation but she is not asking me to help her to continue this, she wants to stop.

Hopeworks

My XA was one of the worst alcoholics on the planet...really. I was sure he was going to die and I rescued him across state lines more times than I can count (he was a binger/runner too). Finally I turned him over to his HP and 2 years later he got sober on his own...now he is invested and it wasn't handed to him.

He could of died...but he didn't. She may die and she may live but you can't control that but her HP CAN...and her HP knows her heart, her true intentions and who or what she needs to recover.

Obviously your commitment is to those who you are entrusted ... your family and your new venture so God is ruling YOU out! (Be comforted as there are over a billion other people on the planet that he can put in the right place at the right time).

That being said if you share the city I can make some inquiries for you through some networks I have and see if I can find a place to refer her.

The local AA office is the first phone call she should be making... and the miracle can be set in motion with the first baby step. So far she is crying and asking for YOU to rescue her and give her a warm bed, food and comfort...but what ACTIONS has she taken? What has she done other than place a phone call 911?

Florence

Just breathe. Let her walk into a hospital, shelter, or rehab on her own. They are all over the nation. She has to pick herself up off the ground and make some decision about her life. It seems like she's leaning towards recovery but hasn't made concrete steps.

You can just stand there and do nothing.

Seren

The Salvation Army has rehab programs in most cities which are free and have an excellent reputation. Perhaps suggest this to your friend.

If it were me and I had all on my plate right now that you describe, I would not sacrifice or endanger that by going and 'rescuing' her--an adult woman who is completely capable of handling this on her own. Please let her try...

Ohnoess

Ok thanks that is actually exactly what i needed to hear. Still

Lyssy

Exactly what I was going to suggest

Seren

We have had to give my stepson the 'gift of NO' on several occasions. I know how much it hurts to watch someone you love self-destruct in a way that seems so totally unnecessary. I had grandparents and step-grandparents who were alcoholic, and aunt, cousin, and second cousins who are alcoholics, my sister is a recovering alcoholic and powder cocaine addict, and my stepson is an alcoholic, crack addict, and poly-substance abuser.

I think it's great if you can continue to encourage her to seek treatment, but I hope you believe that you, your family, your plans, and your peace and joy are just as important.

Don't hesitate to come here and vent as often as you need! We really do get it...

Insaneshame

My bet is the reason that you can't seem to "let go" is because you maybe feel like you helped her get started. Been there, done that!! As a former skitzer, I know EXACTLY how you feel. There is no way to trust someone who is still using. You know that if you bring her to your home, there is a high chance she will steal from you and your family, so she can get her high! Life of a user, right? As hard as it may be for you, she's gonna have to face her circumstance by herself. How else does one begin to figure it out, if there's always someone there saving them? I only say this because that's what happened to me. When everyone quit on me, left me, quit helping me, and flat out refused to even talk to me, that's when I started the process of sobering. Good luck!!

Recovering2

If she's not able to get home, she can get to an AA meeting right where she's at. They're everywhere, numerous days, usually numerous times in a day. And they're free. Salvation Army is another avenue. Not every person who struggles with addiction is able to pack up and go home when they want sobriety, so they find ways to get sober right where they're at. There is no point in risking your own sobriety, or your family's peace, by stepping in and rescuing. The past is the past. The decisions she makes now are hers.

Ohnoess

She needs medical detox. Can she find that at the salvation army? Her mom died from liver failure at the age of 40. This is ******.

Ohnoess

I dont have a lot of people that i love....

Seren

If she presents herself at the emergency room, she can be detoxed there, I believe. That is advice we received about my stepson. The social worker at the hospital was helpful in finding a rehab facility for my stepson on the one occasion he actually wanted that kind of help.

Ohnoess

Well I told her to go to ER, she said ill end up there anyways, I said well why don't you just go now and ask for help before you start having a seizure or something. I told her that I don't have the resources to bring her home. She tested me back "ok..." and then stopped communication. I guess she's mad, there is nothing I can do about that. I may have been the last person on her list to call, I don't know what's going to happen. Our other mutual friend that has rescued her in the past told her she couldn't help and that getting involved was a threat to her own sobriety. I feel like crap. I know you guys are right but this blows.

Seren

Yeah....it does. I'm sorry for the pain, but active alcoholics are far more resourceful than we sometimes believe.

If she goes to the ER, then she will be taken care of by professionals--she will be exactly where she needs to be. I will pray that your friend is there even as I type this.

Lyssy

Be gentle with yourself. Remember the three C's.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

IMO your friend is looking for an enabler. You have given her valid suggestions (SA, ER) and she is not wanting either.

Seren

How long have you been planning and working toward opening your restaurant, Ohnoess? What sort of theme?