Wife in alcohol recovery, had affair, marriage a mess
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello thisisntfun, Welcome to SR....
I'm so sorry to hear about your wife's affair. Sadly, I know exactly how you feel. My ex-husband cheated on me, and it is the worst, most intimate form of betrayal.
I can't advise you whether or not you should leave or stay. My ex and I had been married for quite some time, and I was willing to work at making our marriage better. He, however, would make counseling appointments and then not show up or would cancel them and not tell me....he is now my ex.
Unfortunately, when you throw the life-long maintenance of addiction into the mix....well, I can only begin to imagine how you must be feeling.
Please take good care of yourself right now, and allow yourself the time to get the help that YOU need to make the right decisions for yourself and for your children.
I'm so sorry to hear about your wife's affair. Sadly, I know exactly how you feel. My ex-husband cheated on me, and it is the worst, most intimate form of betrayal.
I can't advise you whether or not you should leave or stay. My ex and I had been married for quite some time, and I was willing to work at making our marriage better. He, however, would make counseling appointments and then not show up or would cancel them and not tell me....he is now my ex.
Unfortunately, when you throw the life-long maintenance of addiction into the mix....well, I can only begin to imagine how you must be feeling.
Please take good care of yourself right now, and allow yourself the time to get the help that YOU need to make the right decisions for yourself and for your children.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am so sorry that this occurred to you.
I don't know if affairs and alcohol go hand in hand except to say that they both made me feel crazy.
They both had me wondering what was wrong with me.
In my case my loved one was perfectly content to not take responsibility for either of them.
They both hurt, and have taken me a long time to get a handle of them.
I found healing in surprising places. Al-Anon, especially learning detachment and boundaries helped me to heal from both. I also in addition to marriage counseling found that I needed my own individual counseling.....just for me.
I know this is hard. What kind of support do you have for you?
I don't know if affairs and alcohol go hand in hand except to say that they both made me feel crazy.
They both had me wondering what was wrong with me.
In my case my loved one was perfectly content to not take responsibility for either of them.
They both hurt, and have taken me a long time to get a handle of them.
I found healing in surprising places. Al-Anon, especially learning detachment and boundaries helped me to heal from both. I also in addition to marriage counseling found that I needed my own individual counseling.....just for me.
I know this is hard. What kind of support do you have for you?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 79
Thisisntfun,
I am so sorry for the situation that has brought you here and I can only speak from my own experience with my recent-RXABF. He is 10 months into his recovery now and during that time he has put me on a pedestal and broke my heart.
At the beginning of his recovery, he was so grateful for me standing by him for nearly 5yrs of chaos then he moved out, saying he couldn't be in a relationship then a few weeks later he loved me all over again.........and so on. Ten months on and we have been separated for a month (over a dog, believe it or not!) but I am just starting to feel better and the more time that passes, the more I know that I don't want to be in such a non-secure relationship. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who had a great bond with him but his 'back & forward' ways isn't good for her or me.
I know every relationship isn't the same but when I first came to SR, during the first break-up in the recovery process, the majority of people told me that relationship break-ups in recovery are not uncommon. I wish I had stayed away that first time but I didn't and I am now grieving all over again but for the last time.
People change in recovery, both the A and non-A. You can't change her but you can change YOU! Take some time to figure out what is best for you and your children. It sounds like she may be taking you for granted in thinking you will stay with her and put up with her behaviour, no matter what. Who knows, she may change her ways if you do walk away from the relationship and she may get serious about her recovery.
I hope things work out for you and your kids, whatever your decision. Take care of yourself and your children, it's them that need you to love & protect them and to do what's best for them.
Keep coming back, it will get easier.
(((Big Hugs)))
I am so sorry for the situation that has brought you here and I can only speak from my own experience with my recent-RXABF. He is 10 months into his recovery now and during that time he has put me on a pedestal and broke my heart.
At the beginning of his recovery, he was so grateful for me standing by him for nearly 5yrs of chaos then he moved out, saying he couldn't be in a relationship then a few weeks later he loved me all over again.........and so on. Ten months on and we have been separated for a month (over a dog, believe it or not!) but I am just starting to feel better and the more time that passes, the more I know that I don't want to be in such a non-secure relationship. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who had a great bond with him but his 'back & forward' ways isn't good for her or me.
I know every relationship isn't the same but when I first came to SR, during the first break-up in the recovery process, the majority of people told me that relationship break-ups in recovery are not uncommon. I wish I had stayed away that first time but I didn't and I am now grieving all over again but for the last time.
People change in recovery, both the A and non-A. You can't change her but you can change YOU! Take some time to figure out what is best for you and your children. It sounds like she may be taking you for granted in thinking you will stay with her and put up with her behaviour, no matter what. Who knows, she may change her ways if you do walk away from the relationship and she may get serious about her recovery.
I hope things work out for you and your kids, whatever your decision. Take care of yourself and your children, it's them that need you to love & protect them and to do what's best for them.
Keep coming back, it will get easier.
(((Big Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
This isn't fun,
You are not alone. A lot of us here have been through what you are going through. My AH when to rehab at the end of August and met a woman there. We hadn't even been having issues other than his drinking so I was floored. I also found the texts and confronted him. He admitted to it, said he wanted a divorce, changed his mind, said he broke it off, kept emailing her, a month later got drunk and went to see her, I guess he pissed her off because he hasn't seen her and I haven't found any evidence, but it was the start of a slippery slope to separation.
He's been out of the house for three weeks and I'm taking it day by day. Some days I'm great alone, other days I'm lonely. I know it takes time. Be gentle with yourself.
You are not alone. A lot of us here have been through what you are going through. My AH when to rehab at the end of August and met a woman there. We hadn't even been having issues other than his drinking so I was floored. I also found the texts and confronted him. He admitted to it, said he wanted a divorce, changed his mind, said he broke it off, kept emailing her, a month later got drunk and went to see her, I guess he pissed her off because he hasn't seen her and I haven't found any evidence, but it was the start of a slippery slope to separation.
He's been out of the house for three weeks and I'm taking it day by day. Some days I'm great alone, other days I'm lonely. I know it takes time. Be gentle with yourself.
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