Wife in alcohol recovery, had affair, marriage a mess
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 2
my wife a recovering alcoholic had an affair
I am looking for any help, advise, anything. My wife completed a 30 day inpatient rehab for alcohol. Our relationship was a mess when she went in, and very strained while she was there. While she was there, she began an affair. I found out a month after she came home when I found texts on her phone from him. They had been sexting since she came home. Very graphic texts and nude pictures were exchanged. They talked about what they would do if they met up. He broke it off. I confronted her and she lied, finally admitting it when I showed her the texts. We were going to marriage counseling while this was going on. I stayed in counseling and a month later found out she was still texting him, but deleting the texts. She shows no interest in our marriage. Our marriage was rough before the alcoholism and worse during it. She drank for 2 years+. I struggle to get over the fact that she did this, but also understand. She acts like it was no big deal, it was the disease that made her do it. She wants nothing to do with me at all, until I say I'm done, then she accuses me of abandoning her, which makes me feel awful. This has been exhausting, and I really can't take it any more. I don't have the disease so I don't know what she is thinking. She has been clean and sober for over 4 months, I know still early, but still has no interest in us, and is meaner than a wet hen most of the time. Every time she leaves the house I wonder what she is really doing. Trust is gone. Thinking of separation... any advise?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 54
Sorry - that sounds like a very painful situation for you. I'm sure your counselor can offer better advice than anyone here, but I'm happy to hear she has four months. Do you have children? Stay strong, and good luck,
Brian
Brian
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 608
I agree with Squizz.. it doesn't seem like that relationship is going anywhere. Sometimes it's better to bite the bullet and move onwards... but of course you're the one who has to decide. Good luck, regardless!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
You might want to start this thread in the Friends and Families Forum.
There are a lot of people there with similar problems.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are a lot of people there with similar problems.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
One word- RUN!! Seriously! I don;t mean to be cavalier about the marriage, but I think you will find from other posters that things are not likely to get better. There are folks on this site with far more experience with an alcoholic partner than I (approx 4 years for me- 6 detoxes and 3 rehabs- all failures), but one thing that has been unbelievable to me was how alcoholism took my previously kind, intelligent, caring and honest to a fault wife, and transformed her into a selfish, lying, deceitful, verbally abusive and self-destructive individual. Reading your post, sounds like your wife has issues with you and your relationship, possibly even predating the heavy drinking? In any event, the disease is bad enough alone- having infidelity or the risk of on top of this does not bode well. I would be very concerned for my young children and not want them exposed to this behavior. Trust your instincts on this one, and may peace and happiness be in your future.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
My opinion is that you cannot have a relationship, especially a marriage, without trust. However, only you can decide whether to leave the marriage, but if you do, I hope you will take your children with you and fight for custody.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
She acts like it was no big deal, it was the disease that made her do it
She wants nothing to do with me at all, until I say I'm done, then she accuses me of abandoning her
It sounds like she's learned the language of recovery without the heart of it.
You're right -- four months is not a long time of sobriety. The A I used to be married to was still an incredible self-pitying victim after three months. I don't think he made it to four.
I don't think infidelity always has to mean the end of a relationship.
HOWEVER -- I would have a very hard time finding motivation to continue working on a relationship with a person who
1) cheats on me
2) cheats on me while in counseling to save our marriage
3) acts as if she's not responsible for cheating on me
4) blames me when I say you may not want to stay with me.
That's not the kind of relationship I want in my life. Kids or no kids. How about you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the disease did not MAKE her cheat....you know that. and it IS a big deal, big huge fat deal. some would even call it a DEALBREAKER. it's pretty abhorrent behavior for anyone in a committed relationship, and her alternately blase/mean Jekyll/Hyde attitude, along with the lies and the continued sexting makes me wonder just what kind of a MOTHER she is being to her own children?
think hard about the separation. look at her actions instead of listening to her words. she's a fine one to bring up abandonment, since she set that precedent when she spiraled into her addiction and then in rehab took up with somebody else. abandonment already left the building.
think hard about the separation. look at her actions instead of listening to her words. she's a fine one to bring up abandonment, since she set that precedent when she spiraled into her addiction and then in rehab took up with somebody else. abandonment already left the building.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
This sounds like a really tough situation to be in. Hugs to you. 
You don't have to make any decisions right away. You can spend some time thinking about it and figuring out how you feel and what you want to do about it.
Alcohol can influence people's decisions when they are drinking, but presumably she was sober when she was in rehab starting things up with this other guy. That's not the 'disease'. That is just her- sober and still messing around. She seems unwilling to take any responsibility for her actions which makes me think she's not likely to change them.
Reading through lots of other threads here may be beneficial to you. There is lots of experience about dealing with alcoholics and a lot can be learned from reading about what others have been through.
Make sure you're taking care of yourself and your well-being. It can be easy to neglect ourselves when we get wrapped up in what others are doing.
You don't have to make any decisions right away. You can spend some time thinking about it and figuring out how you feel and what you want to do about it.
Alcohol can influence people's decisions when they are drinking, but presumably she was sober when she was in rehab starting things up with this other guy. That's not the 'disease'. That is just her- sober and still messing around. She seems unwilling to take any responsibility for her actions which makes me think she's not likely to change them.
Reading through lots of other threads here may be beneficial to you. There is lots of experience about dealing with alcoholics and a lot can be learned from reading about what others have been through.
Make sure you're taking care of yourself and your well-being. It can be easy to neglect ourselves when we get wrapped up in what others are doing.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
And with that build up, relapse is not too unlikely ahead.
Did not see anything about YOU, Alanon or much of what is good for YOU.
Yunno, that is what this board is about, right? *US* getting us better. Especially when there are kids involved . . . like you . . . and me. WE have to be way on top of things.
A couple of things or concepts you may want to start with:
On The Beam / Off The Beam. That is sort of a Checklist. You can tell REAL quick whether you (or even those around, such as your AW) are Running Things right, and Working the Program, by just going down the list.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-off-beam.html
When you see an A who is Not Drinking, but running down the Off The Beam side of things, that usually leads to a condition called Dry Drunk.
More on that here on this link, but overall, the Stuff you are dealing with sounds Really OFF THE BEAM
What Is A Dry Drunk? | Addiction Recovery Basics
The goal of this is NOT to get you into her stuff. Just to confirm that her Crap Stinks. THAT is not what real recovery sounds like -- at ALL.
I concur with most of the rest, here. Start packing the parachutes and checking the exits. Does not mean you have jump this instant. Meanwhile, start Alanon and start learning what you are dealing with.
First few months back from Rehab do tend to be crazy, but if this does not pull up, this could be the rest of your life. If things do go South -- Better to get out when the kids are little and let her crash, rather than everyone going down together.
Did not see anything about YOU, Alanon or much of what is good for YOU.
Yunno, that is what this board is about, right? *US* getting us better. Especially when there are kids involved . . . like you . . . and me. WE have to be way on top of things.
A couple of things or concepts you may want to start with:
On The Beam / Off The Beam. That is sort of a Checklist. You can tell REAL quick whether you (or even those around, such as your AW) are Running Things right, and Working the Program, by just going down the list.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-off-beam.html
When you see an A who is Not Drinking, but running down the Off The Beam side of things, that usually leads to a condition called Dry Drunk.
More on that here on this link, but overall, the Stuff you are dealing with sounds Really OFF THE BEAM
What Is A Dry Drunk? | Addiction Recovery Basics
The goal of this is NOT to get you into her stuff. Just to confirm that her Crap Stinks. THAT is not what real recovery sounds like -- at ALL.
I concur with most of the rest, here. Start packing the parachutes and checking the exits. Does not mean you have jump this instant. Meanwhile, start Alanon and start learning what you are dealing with.
First few months back from Rehab do tend to be crazy, but if this does not pull up, this could be the rest of your life. If things do go South -- Better to get out when the kids are little and let her crash, rather than everyone going down together.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Alanon meetings for you and RUN!
Originally Posted by thisisntfun 
I am looking for any help, advise, anything. My wife completed a 30 day inpatient rehab for alcohol. Our relationship was a mess when she went in, and very strained while she was there. While she was there, she began an affair. I found out a month after she came home when I found texts on her phone from him. They had been sexting since she came home. Very graphic texts and nude pictures were exchanged. They talked about what they would do if they met up. He broke it off. I confronted her and she lied, finally admitting it when I showed her the texts. At first she said there was no physical contact but then admitted they kissed while in rehab and spent time together, but swears no sex and that she hasn't seen him. We were going to marriage counseling while this was going on. I stayed in counseling and a month later found out she was still texting him, but deleting the texts. She lied about it until I showed her the phone records. She shows no interest in our marriage. Our marriage was rough before the alcoholism and worse during it. She drank for 2 years+, heavy. I struggle to get over the fact that she did this, but also understand. She acts like it was no big deal, it was the disease that made her do it, which make me furious. She wants nothing to do with me at all, until I say I'm done, then she accuses me of abandoning her, which makes me feel awful. This has been exhausting, and I really can't take it any more. I don't have the disease so I don't know what she is thinking. She has been clean and sober for over 4 months, I know still early, but still has no interest in us, and is meaner than a wet hen most of the time. Every time she leaves the house I wonder what she is really doing. Trust is gone. Thinking of separation, I have small children... any advise?
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
I agree with what others have posted, but would add:
Consult an attorney and do not tell your wife. You need to find out what the situation is likely to be with custody in your state given your wife's history of rehab and behavior.
A lawyer can tell you what sort of information to be compiling and how to protect yourself and your children.
Please think strategically so you can keep your options open!
Consult an attorney and do not tell your wife. You need to find out what the situation is likely to be with custody in your state given your wife's history of rehab and behavior.
A lawyer can tell you what sort of information to be compiling and how to protect yourself and your children.
Please think strategically so you can keep your options open!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Any chance you can have HER move out? Doesn't sound like she's interested in the relationship so maybe better to just not have her around. Be sure to look out for the kids. They will be affected by her behavior even if it doesn't seem to be affecting them. 
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I think affairs are different than drinking, and have to be approached differently and using different tactics to solve the problem. I think you have to put her back against the wall and ask her what she was trying to achieve by attending marriage therapy and also having an affair behind your back concurrently. Mentally duck tape her to a chair, and insist she answer these questions.
What is she currently getting out of the marriage?
You want to ask yourself that before asking her. She's not telling herself she loves you, so what is she telling herself?
You have small children so you do need to try to break through her wall before giving up on the marriage. A real strong and forceful attempt to break through that wall.
If she refuses, that's an answer too.
I'm sorry to read about your situation. Now you have to stop being her doormat, you deserve better.
What is she currently getting out of the marriage?
You want to ask yourself that before asking her. She's not telling herself she loves you, so what is she telling herself?
You have small children so you do need to try to break through her wall before giving up on the marriage. A real strong and forceful attempt to break through that wall.
If she refuses, that's an answer too.
I'm sorry to read about your situation. Now you have to stop being her doormat, you deserve better.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thisisn't fun---have you consulted with an attorney? With young children, there is much to consider--from a legal standpoint. Please be smart enough to see more than one--as you may get differing information from each one.
At least knowing your legal rights would make you feel better--regardless of what you actually do.
attorney...counselor.....SR.....and alanon......keep posting!
dandylion
At least knowing your legal rights would make you feel better--regardless of what you actually do.
attorney...counselor.....SR.....and alanon......keep posting!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
As someone who has recently found out about my husbands affairs (which i would have sworn to you a month and a day ago would be a deal breaker) We are still together, in therapy, he is sober and he is doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING it takes to fix his side of US. Not only that our therapist has said that he MUST. He has been 100 percent committed to not only fixing what was broken but helping to fix my shattered heart too. Had he been caviler about ANY of it, I DO think that would be a deal breaker.
I can tell you it hurts one way or another, I am sure--staying or leaving. Cheating is not as black and white as you might think, but the ONE thing that is clear to me--the ONE thing-- the cheating partner HAS to be committed to the process. I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I completely understand your devastation.
I can tell you it hurts one way or another, I am sure--staying or leaving. Cheating is not as black and white as you might think, but the ONE thing that is clear to me--the ONE thing-- the cheating partner HAS to be committed to the process. I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I completely understand your devastation.
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