Separation - You're Doing It Wrong
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Separation - You're Doing It Wrong
When I met with my counselor last she said that I needed to schedule times to speak with AH rather than texting with him and having phone conversations just whenever one of us felt compelled to reach out to one another. I should only be speaking with him 2 - 3 times a week rather than daily. …okay, I get it because the thought of removing him from my life on a daily basis does make me sad.
The hard part: telling AH. I KNEW that he would over react and take offense. And he did. He told me that it sounded like I was preparing to divorce him. NO! I need to not be co-dependent anymore and reducing contact and actually separating while we're separated is a good way to achieve that. Ditto for him but I don't care about that. My kids need at least one healthy parent and it's going to be me.
Today is day one where we're not supposed to really have contact…it's freaking difficult!!! I'm realizing that I use AH to not feel lonely because being a SAHM on the weekends when you don't have a husband is lonely. I've been trying to keep myself busy today but I need a game plan for next weekend. Thankfully our weekdays are busy with play dates, errands and my ongoing schedule of what we regularly do during the day.
Being separated is still good, I really like the peace around here, but I still want a happy and healthy husband for family time on the weekends. When is someone going to start a 1-800-Rent-A-Husband company?!
The hard part: telling AH. I KNEW that he would over react and take offense. And he did. He told me that it sounded like I was preparing to divorce him. NO! I need to not be co-dependent anymore and reducing contact and actually separating while we're separated is a good way to achieve that. Ditto for him but I don't care about that. My kids need at least one healthy parent and it's going to be me.
Today is day one where we're not supposed to really have contact…it's freaking difficult!!! I'm realizing that I use AH to not feel lonely because being a SAHM on the weekends when you don't have a husband is lonely. I've been trying to keep myself busy today but I need a game plan for next weekend. Thankfully our weekdays are busy with play dates, errands and my ongoing schedule of what we regularly do during the day.
Being separated is still good, I really like the peace around here, but I still want a happy and healthy husband for family time on the weekends. When is someone going to start a 1-800-Rent-A-Husband company?!
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that's actually a really healthy approach in ongoing NOT separated relationships! distance, autonomy, INdependence. I've ranted a bit before that I personally do not believe relationship STUFF should be conducted via text or email. and that we do not need to be in constant contact with our other.
it's a big change, so cut yourself some slack. have other activities, projects lined up to give you other positive things to do when you get that urge to grab the phone. the usually leads to an extremely clean house and the most perfectly rolled socks ever! your AH is going to have his own reaction and response. that's ok, cuz it's HIS.....he'll figure it out.
really glad you have a counselor and are open to her suggestions. you've made a lot of progress and are growing daily!
it's a big change, so cut yourself some slack. have other activities, projects lined up to give you other positive things to do when you get that urge to grab the phone. the usually leads to an extremely clean house and the most perfectly rolled socks ever! your AH is going to have his own reaction and response. that's ok, cuz it's HIS.....he'll figure it out.
really glad you have a counselor and are open to her suggestions. you've made a lot of progress and are growing daily!
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the usually leads to an extremely clean house and the most perfectly rolled socks ever!
CaptainZing - We're already physically separated. He lives in an apartment in a town that's 2 hours away from us. And he relapsed last Wednesday night after a little more than a month of sobriety. That was his first attempt and first relapse. I don't want him back right now and he's not welcome back for at least another 6 months, but I was still leaning on him for companionship, although not physical it was still companionship.
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Stung, my husband and I really leaned on each other for companionship during the first 6 months we were separated. In retrospect, however, I wish I'd kept the contact more minimal because it was confusing for us both and it made it harder for me to detach. I think your counselor is giving you some good advice.
It's so lonely at times. I miss being married. But I sure don't miss being lonely WHILE married.
It's so lonely at times. I miss being married. But I sure don't miss being lonely WHILE married.
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When is someone going to start a 1-800-Rent-A-Husband company?!
I read in china they have this lol.
Did a fun Valentine's Day craft with my toddler this morning
This is a precious time your little one and you will remember. They grow up fast
I read in china they have this lol.
Did a fun Valentine's Day craft with my toddler this morning
This is a precious time your little one and you will remember. They grow up fast
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Apparently I need to move to China. 
I think I want to start a small business to take up my idle time. I've been thinking about doing that or beginning the process of applying to law schools. I think a small business would be more satisfying.
Although I do think it would be satisfying to become an attorney and then start a non-profit for spouses of alcoholics.
I think I want to start a small business to take up my idle time. I've been thinking about doing that or beginning the process of applying to law schools. I think a small business would be more satisfying.
Although I do think it would be satisfying to become an attorney and then start a non-profit for spouses of alcoholics.
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Stung, if you're thinking about starting a small business why not go with the Weekend- Rent- A- Husband thing? If you want to make it gobal I'd happily rent from the UK division ....Not that I have anything against American men, just that the postage can be quite high and I always get caught for customs charges if I buy stuff from the US ;-)
( you have my sympathy. I also struggle with the texting for companionship thing. Single parenting at the weekends is hard, particularly in the winter. Summer wasn't anywhere so lonely because people are out and about and life seems slightly less nuclear family focussed. Roll on summer
)
( you have my sympathy. I also struggle with the texting for companionship thing. Single parenting at the weekends is hard, particularly in the winter. Summer wasn't anywhere so lonely because people are out and about and life seems slightly less nuclear family focussed. Roll on summer
)
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Originally Posted by Stung 
Apparently I need to move to China.
I think I want to start a small business to take up my idle time. I've been thinking about doing that or beginning the process of applying to law schools. I think a small business would be more satisfying.
Although I do think it would be satisfying to become an attorney and then start a non-profit for spouses of alcoholics.
I think I want to start a small business to take up my idle time. I've been thinking about doing that or beginning the process of applying to law schools. I think a small business would be more satisfying.
Although I do think it would be satisfying to become an attorney and then start a non-profit for spouses of alcoholics.
You do already sort of know you are going to wind up in Alanon, or CR, etc.?
Not pressing the matter -- you figure things out on your own, fast enough.
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Long-term single parent here. I have done the small business thing on the side (I work a regular day job too), including eBay and Etsy, and think it's a great way to spend time and feel creative and earn some extra money. My sister built up a massive business at home over ten years selling antiques online, and she makes more than I do at my corporate job. She was a stay at home mom.
Instead of texting my ex, I text my friends, noodle around on Facebook, and take full advantage of social media. Twitter is pretty great -- I've easily met three dozen new young, smart, professional people from my area via Twitter and getting together for regular dinners together for fun. Through them, I've met another couple dozen people that I see around town and at parties and professional functions. I tweet under a pseudonym, but the people who know me know me.
When it's warm out, I go out with my kids more or less constantly. We bike as a group of three to the library, or to the store, or just noodling around the neighborhood. Doing this, I've gotten close with a handful of neighbors and we are known around the neighborhood. People always stop to say hi and chitchat.
All this to say that it doesn't have to be isolated. There's no reason to turn to him to heal your hurts. And sometimes, when I get a case of the lonelies and can't find anything to ill that hole, I just go to bed. Usually a good night of sleep gives me some perspective.
Instead of texting my ex, I text my friends, noodle around on Facebook, and take full advantage of social media. Twitter is pretty great -- I've easily met three dozen new young, smart, professional people from my area via Twitter and getting together for regular dinners together for fun. Through them, I've met another couple dozen people that I see around town and at parties and professional functions. I tweet under a pseudonym, but the people who know me know me.
When it's warm out, I go out with my kids more or less constantly. We bike as a group of three to the library, or to the store, or just noodling around the neighborhood. Doing this, I've gotten close with a handful of neighbors and we are known around the neighborhood. People always stop to say hi and chitchat.
All this to say that it doesn't have to be isolated. There's no reason to turn to him to heal your hurts. And sometimes, when I get a case of the lonelies and can't find anything to ill that hole, I just go to bed. Usually a good night of sleep gives me some perspective.
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Oh, I also wanted to say that it took me awhile to build up these contacts after splitting with my ex. I was so up his butt and into his problems that there was no time to face my issues, fulfill my needs, or manage my life. While I was worrying over him, my happiness (and my credit rating) languished.
Once I made up my mind, my old therapist told me that the best way to a new Florence was to tear the old one down completely, and to clear the debris of my crazy FOO, my crazy marriage, and my crazy self, so that the new Florence could thrive in the sunlight. I thought of it that way, too. I had to do the emotional work to make this happen, and by the time I hit my bottom I was so low there was no choice but to do it. I was going to stay with him -- until I wasn't. There was a lot of debris to take care of.
Other folks push Al-Anon, but I never went. I did intense individual counseling which got me through the real split from my STBXAH and clear out the big debris from my early life. It made room for the next layer of cleaning, which I did largely on my own, after having the time and headspace to figure out what else I needed to work on (a lot). I find myself -- almost 33, divorcing, two kids, two babydaddies, two jobs -- extremely happy and fulfilled in my life. I have a lot of great friends who are kind and responsible people, I have made whatever peace I can with my family, I left a crazyass marriage on my own, I'm financially independent, I'm active, creative, I'm l earning and growing, and I go to bed tired every night. This is absolutely not what I was planning for myself -- old Florence would die with embarrassment for having failed at marriage and wifehood -- but I don't mind it at all.
Once I made up my mind, my old therapist told me that the best way to a new Florence was to tear the old one down completely, and to clear the debris of my crazy FOO, my crazy marriage, and my crazy self, so that the new Florence could thrive in the sunlight. I thought of it that way, too. I had to do the emotional work to make this happen, and by the time I hit my bottom I was so low there was no choice but to do it. I was going to stay with him -- until I wasn't. There was a lot of debris to take care of.
Other folks push Al-Anon, but I never went. I did intense individual counseling which got me through the real split from my STBXAH and clear out the big debris from my early life. It made room for the next layer of cleaning, which I did largely on my own, after having the time and headspace to figure out what else I needed to work on (a lot). I find myself -- almost 33, divorcing, two kids, two babydaddies, two jobs -- extremely happy and fulfilled in my life. I have a lot of great friends who are kind and responsible people, I have made whatever peace I can with my family, I left a crazyass marriage on my own, I'm financially independent, I'm active, creative, I'm l earning and growing, and I go to bed tired every night. This is absolutely not what I was planning for myself -- old Florence would die with embarrassment for having failed at marriage and wifehood -- but I don't mind it at all.
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LOL Ms. Jojo!! So…what qualities do you want in your weekend husband and how much are you willing to pay? I would have to find men who are very normal (read: educated and NOT CREEPY), do what their asked to do without having to be walked through it, not annoying, good drivers and can do basic household stuff. Like change air filters, take the car to have the oil changed, easy stuff but stuff no one really wants to do. Then I would have to pay them through to nose to have to put up with women bossing them around all day but not putting out. hahaha
Hammer, no way. The liability in that line of work, especially with the mixed bag that probably goes to alanon meetings (all walks of life, I'd imagine - ya know, fat kids, skinny kids, kids that climb on rocks) would make it difficult to maintain good quality. You'd have to figure out a way to pay good people to work for you for very little money and you'd have to make parents RSVP for services and if they no-showed there would have to be some kind of penalty but how can you enforce a penalty when the actual service that they're there for is alanon… that sounds like too tall of an order for me. And dealing with parents who want to hold everyone under the sun responsible EXCEPT for their own kids would drive me bananas.
Florence, you sound like you have your shiz figured out and I'm jealous. I know that to get from where I am to where you are not only takes work, faith and dedication, but it also takes time and patience and most importantly the ability to make decisions and stick to them. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do because I'm waiting to see what AH is going to do… and that sounds so lame when I type it out.
The logical part of my brain tells me that I should just start living my life as if we're going to divorce i.e.: go be financially independent and let it be publicly known that my marriage is kaput. The rest of my brain thinks that I really enjoy staying home with my children and enjoying this time while they're babies and hell, financially everything is just as it was before so why not ride this out until it's not. Truthfully, I was mostly doing everything on my own during the week anyway so what has really changed is that I sleep alone and that I have no one to boss around on weekends.
I almost feel like I need to give myself an arbitrary end date (6 more months - baby girl will have hit all of the really exciting "firsts" by her 1st birthday) and then I need to start acting, living, thinking like a single mother. But baby steps first. We talked on the phone last night and it was not pleasant for either of us. Funny how a little separation does NOT make the heart grow fonder when one person is an alcoholic. So right now I'm practicing "don't just do something, stand there," and making my game plan.
Hammer, no way. The liability in that line of work, especially with the mixed bag that probably goes to alanon meetings (all walks of life, I'd imagine - ya know, fat kids, skinny kids, kids that climb on rocks) would make it difficult to maintain good quality. You'd have to figure out a way to pay good people to work for you for very little money and you'd have to make parents RSVP for services and if they no-showed there would have to be some kind of penalty but how can you enforce a penalty when the actual service that they're there for is alanon… that sounds like too tall of an order for me. And dealing with parents who want to hold everyone under the sun responsible EXCEPT for their own kids would drive me bananas.
Florence, you sound like you have your shiz figured out and I'm jealous. I know that to get from where I am to where you are not only takes work, faith and dedication, but it also takes time and patience and most importantly the ability to make decisions and stick to them. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do because I'm waiting to see what AH is going to do… and that sounds so lame when I type it out.
The logical part of my brain tells me that I should just start living my life as if we're going to divorce i.e.: go be financially independent and let it be publicly known that my marriage is kaput. The rest of my brain thinks that I really enjoy staying home with my children and enjoying this time while they're babies and hell, financially everything is just as it was before so why not ride this out until it's not. Truthfully, I was mostly doing everything on my own during the week anyway so what has really changed is that I sleep alone and that I have no one to boss around on weekends.
I almost feel like I need to give myself an arbitrary end date (6 more months - baby girl will have hit all of the really exciting "firsts" by her 1st birthday) and then I need to start acting, living, thinking like a single mother. But baby steps first. We talked on the phone last night and it was not pleasant for either of us. Funny how a little separation does NOT make the heart grow fonder when one person is an alcoholic. So right now I'm practicing "don't just do something, stand there," and making my game plan.
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Florence, you sound like you have your shiz figured out
I almost feel like I need to give myself an arbitrary end date (6 more months - baby girl will have hit all of the really exciting "firsts" by her 1st birthday) and then I need to start acting, living, thinking like a single mother.
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Originally Posted by Stung
So right now I'm practicing "don't just do something, stand there," and making my game plan.
Also, trust me, announcing your marriage is kaput really sucks! But, there's also no reason why your separation has to be a secret. Tell who you want.
I think you're doing GREAT
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Originally Posted by Stung
LOL Ms. Jojo!! So…what qualities do you want in your weekend husband and how much are you willing to pay? I would have to find men who are very normal (read: educated and NOT CREEPY), do what their asked to do without having to be walked through it, not annoying, good drivers and can do basic household stuff. Like change air filters, take the car to have the oil changed, easy stuff but stuff no one really wants to do. Then I would have to pay them through to nose to have to put up with women bossing them around all day but not putting out.
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turn up on a Saturday morning with newspapers and coffee in bed for me and then, without requiring attention or nagging, occupy my daughters for an hour
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Originally Posted by Stung
LOL Ms. Jojo!! So…what qualities do you want in your weekend husband and how much are you willing to pay? I would have to find men who are very normal (read: educated and NOT CREEPY), do what their asked to do without having to be walked through it, not annoying, good drivers and can do basic household stuff. Like change air filters, take the car to have the oil changed, easy stuff but stuff no one really wants to do. Then I would have to pay them through to nose to have to put up with women bossing them around all day but not putting out. hahaha
I will especially enjoy just writing him a check when it's all over, and not having to pay for his services by having sex with a half-drunk man who kinda stinks like beer. Thanks.
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Originally Posted by Stung
Now you're talking!!! I think my actual husband only did that maybe twice for me before he was a full on alcoholic. I would pay big bucks for someone else to come to my home every Saturday, Starbucks in hand and watch my girls for a couple of hours while I relaxed. Ahhh...
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits
Do you have a "Ranch Model" rent-a-weekend-husband available? This is kind of the heavy duty model. That is, he has all the features of the "Suburban" model but has country property capabilities. Besides basic gardening, I need somebody who can fix horse fences, run and service the tractor and mowers, oh and maybe troubleshoot some well issues for me.
I will especially enjoy just writing him a check when it's all over, and not having to pay for his services by having sex with a half-drunk man who kinda stinks like beer. Thanks.
I will especially enjoy just writing him a check when it's all over, and not having to pay for his services by having sex with a half-drunk man who kinda stinks like beer. Thanks.
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