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Confused by Spouse

Old 01-26-2014, 11:35 AM
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Confused by Spouse

Six months ago I decided that I'd had enough. Enough of drinking myself into blackouts, waking up with vomit in my mouth, hiding empty bottles, being inappropriate with other women and not hiding it (mostly because I was in a black out stage).. just enough. So I understand my wife not 'trusting' my decision but it's been 6 months and I've gotten close to zero support from her. Aside from the occasional "I wish I had your willpower" or "I could never do what you're doing".. there has been no support. She still drinks every weekend, still says I quit because I did something she doesn't know about, and makes comments that I can't comprehend (I never said I wanted to be with a 'sober' person). I know she's saying / doing these things from a place of hurt but I don't know how to process them. I don't know what to do when she does / says these things. It isn't causing me to fall off the wagon, in fact, it just strengthens me but, I would like to learn some coping mechanisms. Sorry for the rant.. just needed to get it out of my head.
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Old 01-26-2014, 11:46 AM
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Hello phoenix, welcome to this side of the boards!

Congratulations on your six months! That is quite an accomplishment

I realize that 6 months seems like it should be enough time for things to work themselves out with your wife, but I wonder how long you were drinking before deciding to quit? I hope that you would at least allow your wife the grace of patience while she sorts out her own feelings and learns to deal with the new you.
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Old 01-26-2014, 11:52 AM
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Hi Seren,

Thanks so much for your response. I've been drinking since college... I am not pressuring my wife to do or say anything but I hoped that she would at least feign support. It saddens me to see her continue to drink the same as when I was drinking with her. Guess I'm scared for her.

Originally Posted by Seren View Post
Hello phoenix, welcome to this side of the boards!

Congratulations on your six months! That is quite an accomplishment

I realize that 6 months seems like it should be enough time for things to work themselves out with your wife, but I wonder how long you were drinking before deciding to quit? I hope that you would at least allow your wife the grace of patience while she sorts out her own feelings and learns to deal with the new you.
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Old 01-26-2014, 11:56 AM
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There is a sticky thread at the top of this forum that really helped me when I first arrived at SR....maybe it will help you, too. Here is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I understand your concern if you think your wife is drinking alcoholically. Unfortunately, just as it was with you, the decision to live life differently is entirely up to her. One of the harshest realities when dealing with a loved one who drinks is that there is so very little influence we can have.

Perhaps reassure her that there is not judgment of her on your part. Ultimately, though, the decision to not drink lies with her.
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Old 01-26-2014, 11:58 AM
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Thank you again. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I will look at the sticky :o)

Originally Posted by Seren View Post
There is a sticky thread at the top of this forum that really helped me when I first arrived at SR....maybe it will help you, too. Here is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I understand your concern if you think your wife is drinking alcoholically. Unfortunately, just as it was with you, the decision to live life differently is entirely up to her. One of the harshest realities when dealing with a loved one who drinks is that there is so very little influence we can have.

Perhaps reassure her that there is not judgment of her on your part. Ultimately, though, the decision to not drink lies with her.
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Old 01-26-2014, 12:28 PM
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it could be that your level of intake and resultant actions made a nice cover for her own drinking....and now as the sole remaining drinker she has some internal conflict going on. she may simply like to drink, or be stubbornly hanging on to the drinking out of spite.

as you said, you drank a long time and did a lot of less that admirable stuff. who didn't right??? really your best course is to stay sober, no matter what. and all else will sort itself out eventually. give your wife the gift of time...time to figure her own stuff out, if she is going to, and time to see you stay sober on a consistent basis - be where you say you are going to be, call when you are supposed to call, come home each day and give her a hug.
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Old 01-26-2014, 06:32 PM
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hey, good for you on your 6 months of sobriety, I wish you continued recovery.

In answer to your concern, I have not been with an active alcoholic in over two years, and while I am embracing my life free of addiction, I still struggle with some of the dirt.

I am asking you this with respect and dignity, but where do you think all the unacceptable goes??? Chances are she is still carrying around a whole bunch of your ugly addiction.

Sorry to say, but, Your unacceptable just doesn't absorb into the woodwork.

And only she can decide if she can trust and go forward again.
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Old 01-26-2014, 07:00 PM
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p.s. and as far as her continued drinking, that is up to you to decide how to proceed.

IMHO, if you are serious about your sobriety, thinking her drinking is not the most healthy thing for you.

guess u both have some decisions to make

Peace.
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Old 01-26-2014, 07:10 PM
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Thanks for sharing.
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Old 01-26-2014, 10:15 PM
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It sounds like your wife might have lost control of her drinking. Her comments certainly sound like alcoholic declarations to me.

You are at risk of becoming more focused on her behaviors than on your sobriety. Your sobriety will save your life and you know that.

I am not an addict, but I have a history of codependency and I know what it is to become obsessed with someone's moods and behaviors and to feel lonely in a relationship in which alcohol is the constant theme. But my codependency was not nearly as life-threatening as yours could be.

For your own good and to honor your own life, I would attend as many 12 Step meetings as possible every week. This is a dangerous time for you. And if you don't have a sponsor, I suggest you get one and really work the Steps. The friendship and the support will do wonders.
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