breakup fail, help
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
I only communicate with myXABH by text message for similar reasons. Texts are verifiable and admissable in a court of law. I also agree she has borderline personality disorder. A very good friend of mine was married to one and is now a shell of a man. He thought he could help her. He was wrong.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
If you break up with her in person, there's very little upside for you. It is a major opportunity for her to manipulate you and to create drama. Don't go for it. The idea of the "decent" thing to do doesn't apply here.
I add another vote for breaking up via text, and then blocking her number and going no contact.
I add another vote for breaking up via text, and then blocking her number and going no contact.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
Blake - this is just plain abuse & you don't owe ANYONE who is ABUSING you a SINGLE thing. She is capable of changing her life if she wants to, but you do NOT have to stand by and sacrifice yourself in hopes that she reaches that point. ((((HUGS))))
As for the letters to her mom or uncle, honestly I am super paranoid about 'legal documents', and being on here has made me more hyper aware about the possibility of her blacking out and saying I did something. The added wrinkle is she still gets her mail at her mom's house, and I don't know the uncle's address - only his cell.
Everything I've ever read on here has turned true. It has gotten progressively worse. She has said I saved her life and her drinking is the best it's been her whole life. In my head I'm now thinking it's time to save _my_ life.
With your help I don't feel so obligated to create some 'humane' environment to have this talk with her. I've tried everything to give her warning shots, and even to work on our communication, and she has made so many overtures to fix things, but never followed through.
I will not have a problem with no contact. I had to do it with my last girlfriend, who tried to slit her wrists when I broke up with her in person, and then tried to stab me with shards of glass. So I guess I've been picturing a repeat of that. Thanks for listening and for your wisdom.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by Danae
If you break up with her in person, there's very little upside for you. It is a major opportunity for her to manipulate you and to create drama. Don't go for it. The idea of the "decent" thing to do doesn't apply here.
I add another vote for breaking up via text, and then blocking her number and going no contact.
I add another vote for breaking up via text, and then blocking her number and going no contact.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Blake,
I am so sorry for the reason you are back posting, but very glad you chose to turn here for support.
You gf's behavior is so volatile and scary, I don't blame you for worrying about her, and YOU! With my xABF, who also had neurological and character issues, I worried about his well being, sanity, and the possibility of suicide. BUT. I had to face the fact that I am not a professional mental health expert, and outside of calling 911, or asking for a well-check, it was not appropriate, or safe, for me to try to help.
I haven't seen him in 6 months, and I am finally starting to emerge from the drama into something more like a normal existence.
A drowning person really will drag you down with them. The truly noble thing to do is turn her care over to her family, and help YOURSELF heal and move on.
I know it's hard. I really do. Please stay with us, and we will help each other through.
Take care
SQ
I am so sorry for the reason you are back posting, but very glad you chose to turn here for support.
You gf's behavior is so volatile and scary, I don't blame you for worrying about her, and YOU! With my xABF, who also had neurological and character issues, I worried about his well being, sanity, and the possibility of suicide. BUT. I had to face the fact that I am not a professional mental health expert, and outside of calling 911, or asking for a well-check, it was not appropriate, or safe, for me to try to help.
I haven't seen him in 6 months, and I am finally starting to emerge from the drama into something more like a normal existence.
A drowning person really will drag you down with them. The truly noble thing to do is turn her care over to her family, and help YOURSELF heal and move on.
I know it's hard. I really do. Please stay with us, and we will help each other through.
Take care
SQ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Hey Spiderqueen - I'm so glad to hear you're doing better. I think I have a hard time asking for help, so it erupts into a long post that's been months in the making. I'm glad I asked for help. 50 mins with my therapist once a week can only do so much. And I'm actually surprised she hasn't floated the idea of not doing it in person.
Sadly I too have realized I'm not a professional, and am powerless here. My girlfriend actually will sometimes say she's a professional, the handful of times I've ever said 'do you really need another drink?' She'll say she's a professional and knows 'all the ins and outs' because she treats patients at an inpatient drug/alcohol rehab facility. I guess you can't make this stuff up.
And a text/quack just now: 'i need to lay off the booze'
Sadly I too have realized I'm not a professional, and am powerless here. My girlfriend actually will sometimes say she's a professional, the handful of times I've ever said 'do you really need another drink?' She'll say she's a professional and knows 'all the ins and outs' because she treats patients at an inpatient drug/alcohol rehab facility. I guess you can't make this stuff up.
And a text/quack just now: 'i need to lay off the booze'
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
The relationship has turned violent. For that reason, I think breaking it off by phone is appropriate. But be prepared. If she isn't drunk when you call, she will be shortly after your call. Your phone is probably going to ring constantly and you'll probably get a barrage of text messages. Good luck, I know this is going to be tough for you. But once you say it, don't go back on your word, it will just reinforce to her that she can still drink and keep your relationship going.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
So, glad to hear you are not doing this in person.
Again, text would be best and if you don't want the barrage of incoming Leana mentioned, block immediately after.
She may just come over to your house drunk as well besides texts and calls.
I would be clear in the text to state that because of her attacking you physically,
she may not come to your house or contact you. That way, it shows in the record
she has a history of physical abuse.
Is your house secure? Does she have a key? Also, be prepared to call the cops if needed.
Reverse gender discrimination is nothing to take lightly here--you are the one more likely to get arrested if she says you assulted her even
if she is the one doing it.
I know I sound paranoid, but I actually had a crazy drunk X climb up on the roof to come in a second floor window
to "have it out" when I kicked his drunking cheating a$$ out. I don't doubt others have versions of this to share too. . .
If this is the second problematic GF you've had, you may have a problem with your "picker" and codependence yourself. Have you been thinking / working on this with your therapist? Otherwise, the cycle may happen again. . .
Good luck with this
Again, text would be best and if you don't want the barrage of incoming Leana mentioned, block immediately after.
She may just come over to your house drunk as well besides texts and calls.
I would be clear in the text to state that because of her attacking you physically,
she may not come to your house or contact you. That way, it shows in the record
she has a history of physical abuse.
Is your house secure? Does she have a key? Also, be prepared to call the cops if needed.
Reverse gender discrimination is nothing to take lightly here--you are the one more likely to get arrested if she says you assulted her even
if she is the one doing it.
I know I sound paranoid, but I actually had a crazy drunk X climb up on the roof to come in a second floor window
to "have it out" when I kicked his drunking cheating a$$ out. I don't doubt others have versions of this to share too. . .
If this is the second problematic GF you've had, you may have a problem with your "picker" and codependence yourself. Have you been thinking / working on this with your therapist? Otherwise, the cycle may happen again. . .
Good luck with this
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by blake1989
I will not have a problem with no contact. I had to do it with my last girlfriend, who tried to slit her wrists when I broke up with her in person, and then tried to stab me with shards of glass. So I guess I've been picturing a repeat of that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I do not think there is any need to send A letter to her family.
This is not something that has transpired overnight, certainly they are well aware of her issues.
Going forward, I can only suggest if she contacts you and threatens suicide or bodily harm, notify the police, and allow the trained professionals to attend to her.
This is not something that has transpired overnight, certainly they are well aware of her issues.
Going forward, I can only suggest if she contacts you and threatens suicide or bodily harm, notify the police, and allow the trained professionals to attend to her.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Blake, my friend, it is times like these where guys like you (and me) just need to say f.it.all. and do what we do best. Run off like scared little girls and . . . .
[wait for it]
[wait for it]
[wait for it]
[wait for it]
Join the French Foreign Legion.
Yep. Just the sensible thing to do.
The Survival Rate is higher than dealing with Crazy Wimmen, and the Risk of Injury is lower, as well.
If this Comic Book Cover is to be believed -- and dunno about you -- but I tend to believe Comic Book Covers . . . it looks like the wimmen we will find are hawt and grateful, too.
Want to see if we can sign up on a Buddy Plan?
[wait for it]
[wait for it]
[wait for it]
[wait for it]
Join the French Foreign Legion.
Yep. Just the sensible thing to do.
The Survival Rate is higher than dealing with Crazy Wimmen, and the Risk of Injury is lower, as well.
If this Comic Book Cover is to be believed -- and dunno about you -- but I tend to believe Comic Book Covers . . . it looks like the wimmen we will find are hawt and grateful, too.
Want to see if we can sign up on a Buddy Plan?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
If you are legally worried than I would say just cut all ties and move on. I am sure her family is well aware of the mess she is in.
Good Luck Blake! You will feel so much better when you have moved on.
Good Luck Blake! You will feel so much better when you have moved on.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Your picking two women, back-to-back, with similar dysfunctions says something about you, Blake. Break up and start figuring out why it is you keep getting into these kinds of relationships that give you so much grief.
Unfortunately guys like Blake (and guys like me) seem to roll this way.
My current one "saved" me from one who would hit me.
So merely being screamed at is quite an improvement.
I can (sort of) laugh about that now, but geeeezzzz.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Thanks Hawkeye and everyone else. Hammer you actually made me laugh - rare thing recently, but it does make total sense. Let's get the paperwork going lol. I have been working on my codependence with my therapist and have said many times to her maybe my picker became bad in recent years? She said I just wasn't looking for red flags and my gf misrepresented herself and was on her best behavior at first. Same with the last one - never saw a glimmer of that behavior till the day we broke up. I've had beautiful relationships before this that just didn't work out, nothing crazy happened - just ended. Still, picker needs major improvements.
The keys - she has one to my place, and I have one to hers. But she doesn't have one to the deadbolt or the front electronic entry. I live in a big apartment building with front security, but have already arranged to change the locks for a fee any time I notify them. She lives about 2 hrs away in traffic (bad traffic here), so that is one thing. We've been attached at the hip for a year despite the traffic hassles.
The irony is one of the christmas presents she gave me was a knife and some mace because she worries about my safety constantly in the city.
I have never called 911 for anything. I suppose even in the off chance she threatens to harm herself, if she is several counties away and I call 911, they will route my call to the local department (which she has had dealings with).
I value all the insights and wisdom you've given me so much here.
The keys - she has one to my place, and I have one to hers. But she doesn't have one to the deadbolt or the front electronic entry. I live in a big apartment building with front security, but have already arranged to change the locks for a fee any time I notify them. She lives about 2 hrs away in traffic (bad traffic here), so that is one thing. We've been attached at the hip for a year despite the traffic hassles.
The irony is one of the christmas presents she gave me was a knife and some mace because she worries about my safety constantly in the city.
I have never called 911 for anything. I suppose even in the off chance she threatens to harm herself, if she is several counties away and I call 911, they will route my call to the local department (which she has had dealings with).
I value all the insights and wisdom you've given me so much here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by Hammer
Join the French Foreign Legion.
Yep. Just the sensible thing to do.
The Survival Rate is higher than dealing with Crazy Wimmen, and the Risk of Injury is lower, as well.
Glad you got a laugh, too, Blake.In all seriousness, some of us have a thing for the drama, the adrenalin rush, the intensity of relationships with unstable, unpredictable people. Problem is, we can't sustain it. The damn thing just bleeds out after a while, and our Special Save The World skills stop working.
Lately, I am thinking of skydiving to fill the void.
(I did actually go white water rafting for the first time recently, and the thrill was weirdly... familiar......)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Blake, good luck to you, and good judgment for getting yourself out of this unhealthy situation.
I would tend to err on the side of caution and not send anything in writing to anyone except perhaps a brief text along with a brief e-mail saying little more than that you have to break this off. Something more lengthy may just provoke her to want to justify herself more. I share your fear of writing being used in legal proceedings, and only put in writing what I know I could handle if it were revealed and used against me. Comes from living with a crazy family for many years.
ShootingStar1
I would tend to err on the side of caution and not send anything in writing to anyone except perhaps a brief text along with a brief e-mail saying little more than that you have to break this off. Something more lengthy may just provoke her to want to justify herself more. I share your fear of writing being used in legal proceedings, and only put in writing what I know I could handle if it were revealed and used against me. Comes from living with a crazy family for many years.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Blake, I read "The Gift Of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker, and he described your christmas (and mine, btw!)--he called it loan-sharking. The abuser does something really nice, but it fills you with confusion and dread and guilt--because you know it's not a freely given gift. It violates agreements, boundaries, or it's too over-the-top, or extravagant. And the dread comes from knowing there's a repayment plan you'll never be able to meet--and if you don't pay up in constant gratitude and submission--boom.
Enjoy single life. If her parents know her, then they'll know why you broke up with her--or they'll reach out to you for an explanation.
Enjoy single life. If her parents know her, then they'll know why you broke up with her--or they'll reach out to you for an explanation.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Does she have a key to your house? Get your locks changed, change your phone number if you have to AFTER you have texted the break-up to her.
Normally I'm not an advocate of breaking up by texting or e-mail or phone but in this case probably the best idea.
Document the violence in case you need to get a restraining order.
Normally I'm not an advocate of breaking up by texting or e-mail or phone but in this case probably the best idea.
Document the violence in case you need to get a restraining order.
Originally Posted by blake1989
Just need to get this out. Sorry it's long - I haven't been here for a while and am in so much pain. I showed up on this board months ago in this confused state, but where I was coming from initially was "I just know you guys can help me fix this." I'm far past that naive idea now and have been for a while.
The juxtaposition of two consecutive days with my alcoholic gf did me in emotionally, physically, in every which way, and illustrated the confusing chaos of this relationship, why I stayed. I just wish my breakup 'attempt' didn't backfire, or rather that I didn't cave under the pressure/fear. It still was a big step for me.
2 days before I was to go home to my parents for the holidays, my gf and I had agreed to have our own Christmas night. For weeks she had said she didn't believe in gifts and all that. But we finally agreed to do 1 gift each. So I got her one, not too expensive, nothing crazy, just something for the home I knew she really likes. I love her so much that it was hard not to go crazy with the gifts but I did what we talked about.
I arrived to find her up since 6 am, cooking me a full-on Christmas dinner. She doesn't normally cook, and we normally cook together (during the good times). She had gotten all these recipes off the internet. It was so touching. Her entire apartment was decorated with lights, wreaths, candles, and her mom had helped her prepare it for our night together. There was a little Christmas tree and close to two dozen gifts under it. It was beautiful and touching. I assumed her family must be coming over to have Christmas with her since there were so many presents, but they were all for me. I had adhered to our 'agreement' and got just one. One after one, I opened my gifts and felt like crying. She doesn't have the best memory for details. Yet she had listened to me the past year and collected even the tiniest things I mentioned I liked. A cd I mentioned only once, an expensive dvd set, stuff for my apartment, little things, clothes. She listened closely. It was hundreds of dollars worth of gifts. I was touched yet confused, and embarrassed. Her last gift was a card/love note and a substantial gift card to the place we had our first date, so we could go again.
The next day she came to stay with me because her plan had been to take me to the airport the morning after that - she didn't want me paying to park at the airport. We went out to dinner but all she got was two martinis. Extra large, strong ones. Beyond saying 'do you really need another?', I didn't try to stop her because i know it's no use. Somehow before I knew it she started blacking out and got belligerent with the nice guy (the owner) who had served us. She complained to management that someone threw up in the bathroom, so they went to each table checking on people. But she forgot her complaint and thought they were accusing her of doing it (which I know she didn't). I quickly paid our bill. But on the way out, she pulled off her coat and threw it on the floor and started trying to hit our server while I held her back. She was kicking her legs in the air at him and screaming at the staff while everyone watched. She hit me with her purse repeatedly and the guy helped me get her to the door and told me we can't come back there. This was only a block away from my apartment, but it took me 30 mins to get her home. She beat her purse on walls and bike racks, and lay down in the road crying, and tried to run back to the restaurant and confront the staff again. I basically held her up and walked her back, while she intermittently swatted at me and yelled 'f*** you' at me and passing cars, who knows what else. I debated calling the cops but didn't know if I'd miss my flight because of it.
When I got her to my place, she was in tears and asked me where we were and who I was, and why I brought her there. She yelled 'f you' at me over and over and said she never wanted to see me again. I told her not to hit me with her purse and that's when she hit me in my nose. Not a punch, no damage, but it hurt. She doesn't know she did it yet because I have only told her some details. I propped her up on my couch and left her alone.
The next day I woke up for the airport and she had forgotten she was going to drive me. She cried and said 'you're going to leave me' and I couldn't get her to stop crying, so I made a decision that I'm going home and forgetting about all this for a week. And I did.
I resolved to end it, but when I went to tell her everything, before I could get into it, she said "are you breaking up with me?" The look in her eyes scared me and I caved. I told her what was bothering me and she apologized over and over as usual. The apologies mean very little anymore.
So I've tried once. I tried to do it in person but now I wonder if by phone is ok. She has been treating me with more disregard after that conversation. I wanted to be a stand up guy and do it in person. As much as she's hurt me, I can't just not treat her with dignity, so the phone is hard to imagine. But honestly I'm scared of her actions. Last night I thought she was going to hit me and I drove home because she randomly started beating the dinner table - it was frightening. My therapist agrees the only time to have a breakup talk is when there's no drinking going on. But I'm starting to wonder if a phone conversation is the way to go. I just can't go on like this. Thank you for reading, if you got through it.
The juxtaposition of two consecutive days with my alcoholic gf did me in emotionally, physically, in every which way, and illustrated the confusing chaos of this relationship, why I stayed. I just wish my breakup 'attempt' didn't backfire, or rather that I didn't cave under the pressure/fear. It still was a big step for me.
2 days before I was to go home to my parents for the holidays, my gf and I had agreed to have our own Christmas night. For weeks she had said she didn't believe in gifts and all that. But we finally agreed to do 1 gift each. So I got her one, not too expensive, nothing crazy, just something for the home I knew she really likes. I love her so much that it was hard not to go crazy with the gifts but I did what we talked about.
I arrived to find her up since 6 am, cooking me a full-on Christmas dinner. She doesn't normally cook, and we normally cook together (during the good times). She had gotten all these recipes off the internet. It was so touching. Her entire apartment was decorated with lights, wreaths, candles, and her mom had helped her prepare it for our night together. There was a little Christmas tree and close to two dozen gifts under it. It was beautiful and touching. I assumed her family must be coming over to have Christmas with her since there were so many presents, but they were all for me. I had adhered to our 'agreement' and got just one. One after one, I opened my gifts and felt like crying. She doesn't have the best memory for details. Yet she had listened to me the past year and collected even the tiniest things I mentioned I liked. A cd I mentioned only once, an expensive dvd set, stuff for my apartment, little things, clothes. She listened closely. It was hundreds of dollars worth of gifts. I was touched yet confused, and embarrassed. Her last gift was a card/love note and a substantial gift card to the place we had our first date, so we could go again.
The next day she came to stay with me because her plan had been to take me to the airport the morning after that - she didn't want me paying to park at the airport. We went out to dinner but all she got was two martinis. Extra large, strong ones. Beyond saying 'do you really need another?', I didn't try to stop her because i know it's no use. Somehow before I knew it she started blacking out and got belligerent with the nice guy (the owner) who had served us. She complained to management that someone threw up in the bathroom, so they went to each table checking on people. But she forgot her complaint and thought they were accusing her of doing it (which I know she didn't). I quickly paid our bill. But on the way out, she pulled off her coat and threw it on the floor and started trying to hit our server while I held her back. She was kicking her legs in the air at him and screaming at the staff while everyone watched. She hit me with her purse repeatedly and the guy helped me get her to the door and told me we can't come back there. This was only a block away from my apartment, but it took me 30 mins to get her home. She beat her purse on walls and bike racks, and lay down in the road crying, and tried to run back to the restaurant and confront the staff again. I basically held her up and walked her back, while she intermittently swatted at me and yelled 'f*** you' at me and passing cars, who knows what else. I debated calling the cops but didn't know if I'd miss my flight because of it.
When I got her to my place, she was in tears and asked me where we were and who I was, and why I brought her there. She yelled 'f you' at me over and over and said she never wanted to see me again. I told her not to hit me with her purse and that's when she hit me in my nose. Not a punch, no damage, but it hurt. She doesn't know she did it yet because I have only told her some details. I propped her up on my couch and left her alone.
The next day I woke up for the airport and she had forgotten she was going to drive me. She cried and said 'you're going to leave me' and I couldn't get her to stop crying, so I made a decision that I'm going home and forgetting about all this for a week. And I did.
I resolved to end it, but when I went to tell her everything, before I could get into it, she said "are you breaking up with me?" The look in her eyes scared me and I caved. I told her what was bothering me and she apologized over and over as usual. The apologies mean very little anymore.
So I've tried once. I tried to do it in person but now I wonder if by phone is ok. She has been treating me with more disregard after that conversation. I wanted to be a stand up guy and do it in person. As much as she's hurt me, I can't just not treat her with dignity, so the phone is hard to imagine. But honestly I'm scared of her actions. Last night I thought she was going to hit me and I drove home because she randomly started beating the dinner table - it was frightening. My therapist agrees the only time to have a breakup talk is when there's no drinking going on. But I'm starting to wonder if a phone conversation is the way to go. I just can't go on like this. Thank you for reading, if you got through it.
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