breakup fail, help
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breakup fail, help
Just need to get this out. Sorry it's long - I haven't been here for a while and am in so much pain. I showed up on this board months ago in this confused state, but where I was coming from initially was "I just know you guys can help me fix this." I'm far past that naive idea now and have been for a while.
The juxtaposition of two consecutive days with my alcoholic gf did me in emotionally, physically, in every which way, and illustrated the confusing chaos of this relationship, why I stayed. I just wish my breakup 'attempt' didn't backfire, or rather that I didn't cave under the pressure/fear. It still was a big step for me.
2 days before I was to go home to my parents for the holidays, my gf and I had agreed to have our own Christmas night. For weeks she had said she didn't believe in gifts and all that. But we finally agreed to do 1 gift each. So I got her one, not too expensive, nothing crazy, just something for the home I knew she really likes. I love her so much that it was hard not to go crazy with the gifts but I did what we talked about.
I arrived to find her up since 6 am, cooking me a full-on Christmas dinner. She doesn't normally cook, and we normally cook together (during the good times). She had gotten all these recipes off the internet. It was so touching. Her entire apartment was decorated with lights, wreaths, candles, and her mom had helped her prepare it for our night together. There was a little Christmas tree and close to two dozen gifts under it. It was beautiful and touching. I assumed her family must be coming over to have Christmas with her since there were so many presents, but they were all for me. I had adhered to our 'agreement' and got just one. One after one, I opened my gifts and felt like crying. She doesn't have the best memory for details. Yet she had listened to me the past year and collected even the tiniest things I mentioned I liked. A cd I mentioned only once, an expensive dvd set, stuff for my apartment, little things, clothes. She listened closely. It was hundreds of dollars worth of gifts. I was touched yet confused, and embarrassed. Her last gift was a card/love note and a substantial gift card to the place we had our first date, so we could go again.
The next day she came to stay with me because her plan had been to take me to the airport the morning after that - she didn't want me paying to park at the airport. We went out to dinner but all she got was two martinis. Extra large, strong ones. Beyond saying 'do you really need another?', I didn't try to stop her because i know it's no use. Somehow before I knew it she started blacking out and got belligerent with the nice guy (the owner) who had served us. She complained to management that someone threw up in the bathroom, so they went to each table checking on people. But she forgot her complaint and thought they were accusing her of doing it (which I know she didn't). I quickly paid our bill. But on the way out, she pulled off her coat and threw it on the floor and started trying to hit our server while I held her back. She was kicking her legs in the air at him and screaming at the staff while everyone watched. She hit me with her purse repeatedly and the guy helped me get her to the door and told me we can't come back there. This was only a block away from my apartment, but it took me 30 mins to get her home. She beat her purse on walls and bike racks, and lay down in the road crying, and tried to run back to the restaurant and confront the staff again. I basically held her up and walked her back, while she intermittently swatted at me and yelled 'f*** you' at me and passing cars, who knows what else. I debated calling the cops but didn't know if I'd miss my flight because of it.
When I got her to my place, she was in tears and asked me where we were and who I was, and why I brought her there. She yelled 'f you' at me over and over and said she never wanted to see me again. I told her not to hit me with her purse and that's when she hit me in my nose. Not a punch, no damage, but it hurt. She doesn't know she did it yet because I have only told her some details. I propped her up on my couch and left her alone.
The next day I woke up for the airport and she had forgotten she was going to drive me. She cried and said 'you're going to leave me' and I couldn't get her to stop crying, so I made a decision that I'm going home and forgetting about all this for a week. And I did.
I resolved to end it, but when I went to tell her everything, before I could get into it, she said "are you breaking up with me?" The look in her eyes scared me and I caved. I told her what was bothering me and she apologized over and over as usual. The apologies mean very little anymore.
So I've tried once. I tried to do it in person but now I wonder if by phone is ok. She has been treating me with more disregard after that conversation. I wanted to be a stand up guy and do it in person. As much as she's hurt me, I can't just not treat her with dignity, so the phone is hard to imagine. But honestly I'm scared of her actions. Last night I thought she was going to hit me and I drove home because she randomly started beating the dinner table - it was frightening. My therapist agrees the only time to have a breakup talk is when there's no drinking going on. But I'm starting to wonder if a phone conversation is the way to go. I just can't go on like this. Thank you for reading, if you got through it.
The juxtaposition of two consecutive days with my alcoholic gf did me in emotionally, physically, in every which way, and illustrated the confusing chaos of this relationship, why I stayed. I just wish my breakup 'attempt' didn't backfire, or rather that I didn't cave under the pressure/fear. It still was a big step for me.
2 days before I was to go home to my parents for the holidays, my gf and I had agreed to have our own Christmas night. For weeks she had said she didn't believe in gifts and all that. But we finally agreed to do 1 gift each. So I got her one, not too expensive, nothing crazy, just something for the home I knew she really likes. I love her so much that it was hard not to go crazy with the gifts but I did what we talked about.
I arrived to find her up since 6 am, cooking me a full-on Christmas dinner. She doesn't normally cook, and we normally cook together (during the good times). She had gotten all these recipes off the internet. It was so touching. Her entire apartment was decorated with lights, wreaths, candles, and her mom had helped her prepare it for our night together. There was a little Christmas tree and close to two dozen gifts under it. It was beautiful and touching. I assumed her family must be coming over to have Christmas with her since there were so many presents, but they were all for me. I had adhered to our 'agreement' and got just one. One after one, I opened my gifts and felt like crying. She doesn't have the best memory for details. Yet she had listened to me the past year and collected even the tiniest things I mentioned I liked. A cd I mentioned only once, an expensive dvd set, stuff for my apartment, little things, clothes. She listened closely. It was hundreds of dollars worth of gifts. I was touched yet confused, and embarrassed. Her last gift was a card/love note and a substantial gift card to the place we had our first date, so we could go again.
The next day she came to stay with me because her plan had been to take me to the airport the morning after that - she didn't want me paying to park at the airport. We went out to dinner but all she got was two martinis. Extra large, strong ones. Beyond saying 'do you really need another?', I didn't try to stop her because i know it's no use. Somehow before I knew it she started blacking out and got belligerent with the nice guy (the owner) who had served us. She complained to management that someone threw up in the bathroom, so they went to each table checking on people. But she forgot her complaint and thought they were accusing her of doing it (which I know she didn't). I quickly paid our bill. But on the way out, she pulled off her coat and threw it on the floor and started trying to hit our server while I held her back. She was kicking her legs in the air at him and screaming at the staff while everyone watched. She hit me with her purse repeatedly and the guy helped me get her to the door and told me we can't come back there. This was only a block away from my apartment, but it took me 30 mins to get her home. She beat her purse on walls and bike racks, and lay down in the road crying, and tried to run back to the restaurant and confront the staff again. I basically held her up and walked her back, while she intermittently swatted at me and yelled 'f*** you' at me and passing cars, who knows what else. I debated calling the cops but didn't know if I'd miss my flight because of it.
When I got her to my place, she was in tears and asked me where we were and who I was, and why I brought her there. She yelled 'f you' at me over and over and said she never wanted to see me again. I told her not to hit me with her purse and that's when she hit me in my nose. Not a punch, no damage, but it hurt. She doesn't know she did it yet because I have only told her some details. I propped her up on my couch and left her alone.
The next day I woke up for the airport and she had forgotten she was going to drive me. She cried and said 'you're going to leave me' and I couldn't get her to stop crying, so I made a decision that I'm going home and forgetting about all this for a week. And I did.
I resolved to end it, but when I went to tell her everything, before I could get into it, she said "are you breaking up with me?" The look in her eyes scared me and I caved. I told her what was bothering me and she apologized over and over as usual. The apologies mean very little anymore.
So I've tried once. I tried to do it in person but now I wonder if by phone is ok. She has been treating me with more disregard after that conversation. I wanted to be a stand up guy and do it in person. As much as she's hurt me, I can't just not treat her with dignity, so the phone is hard to imagine. But honestly I'm scared of her actions. Last night I thought she was going to hit me and I drove home because she randomly started beating the dinner table - it was frightening. My therapist agrees the only time to have a breakup talk is when there's no drinking going on. But I'm starting to wonder if a phone conversation is the way to go. I just can't go on like this. Thank you for reading, if you got through it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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You have the right to leave any relationship at any time for any reason. You don't actually owe her any explanations. "This isn't working for me" is a complete statement.
I forget -- her parents know what's going on with her, right? She has her own place, right? What are you afraid of?
If I were you I would text her, facts only, about what happened that night, say "I am breaking up with you" and tell her you are blocking her number and email. Then do exactly that. There is no love lost here. She is out of control and is ABUSING you and manipulating your emotions. You are not required to hang on to someone who is HITTING YOU because you have break-up-dignity-standards that you think you owe somebody somewhere. This is an extraordinary situation where the usual rules and expectations don't apply. She has crossed so many lines and boundaries just in this one anecdote. She is hitting you in public and scaring you. Text her, leave a VM, send an email, go no contact, and be done.
I forget -- her parents know what's going on with her, right? She has her own place, right? What are you afraid of?
If I were you I would text her, facts only, about what happened that night, say "I am breaking up with you" and tell her you are blocking her number and email. Then do exactly that. There is no love lost here. She is out of control and is ABUSING you and manipulating your emotions. You are not required to hang on to someone who is HITTING YOU because you have break-up-dignity-standards that you think you owe somebody somewhere. This is an extraordinary situation where the usual rules and expectations don't apply. She has crossed so many lines and boundaries just in this one anecdote. She is hitting you in public and scaring you. Text her, leave a VM, send an email, go no contact, and be done.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I'm sorry, Blake. It's difficult but you know what you have to do and if it's easier for you via phone, there is nothing wrong with breaking up with her that way. You have treated her with kindness and respect and should not feel guilty about taking care of yourself. She has proven that she is a violent, mean drunk. What if next time she picks up a knife and stabs you? You are not responsible for her or her happiness. At this point it's a matter of your safety and sanity.
Sending you big ((HUGS)).
Sending you big ((HUGS)).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Thanks Florence. That was so powerful to read. I have been so scared of how to do it because of her history of suicide attempts (10+ yrs ago).
I suppose I don't know what the parents know about currently. They have dealt with her for years, and she lived at home until last summer for 4 years, but they don't know anything about this stuff that happens that I post about. Their impression is marriage is coming and we are two peas in a pod. She has to talk to her mom at least once a day, and is over at her mom's nearly everyday. But yes, they know her extensive history. And yes, she has her own place.
Thank you so much for your powerful response. It's a real reality check.
I suppose I don't know what the parents know about currently. They have dealt with her for years, and she lived at home until last summer for 4 years, but they don't know anything about this stuff that happens that I post about. Their impression is marriage is coming and we are two peas in a pod. She has to talk to her mom at least once a day, and is over at her mom's nearly everyday. But yes, they know her extensive history. And yes, she has her own place.
Thank you so much for your powerful response. It's a real reality check.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I am so sorry. I think you should be honest and tell her that you wanted to tell her in person but her actions are scary and it would not be a good outcome. I am sorry Blake. It sounds like she has very serious addiction and mental problems. It is up to her to decide she wants help and to get it.
Remember the 3 C's...You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.
You can do this, be strong.
Remember the 3 C's...You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.
You can do this, be strong.
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Thanks reader and hopeful. You guys are giving me so much strength. I thought it would be so wrong to do it over the phone, but I have worried about her picking up a knife once or twice. Makes so much sense to hear your perspectives.
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Blake - this is just plain abuse & you don't owe ANYONE who is ABUSING you a SINGLE thing. She is capable of changing her life if she wants to, but you do NOT have to stand by and sacrifice yourself in hopes that she reaches that point. ((((HUGS))))
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That was so powerful to read. I have been so scared of how to do it because of her history of suicide attempts (10+ yrs ago).
I suppose I don't know what the parents know about currently. They have dealt with her for years, and she lived at home until last summer for 4 years, but they don't know anything about this stuff that happens that I post about. Their impression is marriage is coming and we are two peas in a pod. She has to talk to her mom at least once a day, and is over at her mom's nearly everyday. But yes, they know her extensive history. And yes, she has her own place.
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Florence...I think it is absolutely correct for you to have notified your inlaws. I like the term "giving him back."
Blake, maybe a letter to her parents is in order. Sometimes it takes someone else's words to wake us up. I know I am treading a thin line here, but she does sound like she is a danger to herself so it would be good to notify them.
From there...leave it be. You truly cannot be held hostage by this woman out of fear she may hurt herself or drink herself to death. She has to want to be well. That also goes for mental illness. I have been reading a book about Bipolar. I realize that those who want to try to help themselves even if they are mentally ill can definitely do so. She has to take charge of her own life, you cannot do it for her. You cannot will it, wish it, or make it happen.
Set yourself free!
Blake, maybe a letter to her parents is in order. Sometimes it takes someone else's words to wake us up. I know I am treading a thin line here, but she does sound like she is a danger to herself so it would be good to notify them.
From there...leave it be. You truly cannot be held hostage by this woman out of fear she may hurt herself or drink herself to death. She has to want to be well. That also goes for mental illness. I have been reading a book about Bipolar. I realize that those who want to try to help themselves even if they are mentally ill can definitely do so. She has to take charge of her own life, you cannot do it for her. You cannot will it, wish it, or make it happen.
Set yourself free!
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The parents thing I thought about, but I don't have a relationship with them like that really - I don't know. I see them once every 2 months maybe. This is her situation - her real father has been out of the picture for nearly 20 years. He beat her, her mom, her grandfather beat her, and sadly, her cousin molested her for years. She has a step father who is retired. He sits around all day and knows/cares very little about much besides the news on tv. Her mom is super-high anxiety and enables my gf in her patterns. My girlfriend uses her apartment as an outpost - she is almost never there if I'm not there. She sleeps at her mom/stepdad's most other nights unless she wants to drink in her apartment.
However, her uncle has always liked me and I get along with him. My girlfriend has always said he's the only person she's ever listened to. I have his number. I thought about contacting him. I don't know.
However, her uncle has always liked me and I get along with him. My girlfriend has always said he's the only person she's ever listened to. I have his number. I thought about contacting him. I don't know.
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I don't know that I would contact him, I would think a well placed letter to him would be better. By being in contact on the phone it gives the opportunity for relations with her family to continue. I think a letter is just a final farwell and a hey...she is not well and I thought you should know type of thing.
Living with someone like her long term would be very toxic. I am glad you are finding your way out. It is sad but necessary for your own well being.
Good Luck Blake!
Living with someone like her long term would be very toxic. I am glad you are finding your way out. It is sad but necessary for your own well being.
Good Luck Blake!
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I'm guessing her family knows what she is currently doing (drinking) how can they not. If she calls her mom everyday or is there every day, then they know.
I'm sure they are hoping for someone else (you) to marry her and watch out for her and take care of her so they do not have to. Not in a bad way like they are intentionally dumping her on you but in a ease their own stress and frustration way because with you in the picture they get a break.
I think a phone call is the way to go but you should also be prepared to go no contact after you say what you need to say. Can't be half way out and half way in.......you see what that's been doing to do you these past months.
I'm sure they are hoping for someone else (you) to marry her and watch out for her and take care of her so they do not have to. Not in a bad way like they are intentionally dumping her on you but in a ease their own stress and frustration way because with you in the picture they get a break.
I think a phone call is the way to go but you should also be prepared to go no contact after you say what you need to say. Can't be half way out and half way in.......you see what that's been doing to do you these past months.
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I have a codependent sister in law. I know she loves us and does not want our family to split. I also know she is well aware she would be the one dealing with my AH if we do split. This is her choice but she is unable to deal with her codependency is any other way.
She does things like encourage me to tolerate things I should not. Last year I was going on a girls trip with my mom, sister, my girls and their friend. All women. We were all at the ball field one night and sister in law basically told my AH (in front of my mom who paid for the trip) how much fun this place is and that he should really go with us. Of course, my mom said sure, you should come.
I knew it would be a disaster, and it was. I should have put my foot down but I did not. My sister in law knew he would not even like going there. She also knew she did not want him to be home alone for a week alone, so that was her solution.
After that I basically cut off any contact with her in dealing with my AH. My point here is that I believe the above post is right. Her family is likely to encourage you to stay with her because they know they will have to deal with her forever. That is not your problem. That is also why I encourage only a FINAL letter.
Sorry for babbling on, this post made me think about some things I have not in a while.
She does things like encourage me to tolerate things I should not. Last year I was going on a girls trip with my mom, sister, my girls and their friend. All women. We were all at the ball field one night and sister in law basically told my AH (in front of my mom who paid for the trip) how much fun this place is and that he should really go with us. Of course, my mom said sure, you should come.
I knew it would be a disaster, and it was. I should have put my foot down but I did not. My sister in law knew he would not even like going there. She also knew she did not want him to be home alone for a week alone, so that was her solution.
After that I basically cut off any contact with her in dealing with my AH. My point here is that I believe the above post is right. Her family is likely to encourage you to stay with her because they know they will have to deal with her forever. That is not your problem. That is also why I encourage only a FINAL letter.
Sorry for babbling on, this post made me think about some things I have not in a while.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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yeah.
With Full Blown Emotional Dysregulation(s). Those are a fun little trip to Disneyland, huh?
btdt. I am pretty much in -- Signed The Title, Must Be Mine -- status.
But we have kids, and the Kids are #1.
Not that I do not love her. I do. And I think you are at least pretty fond of yours.
And Yes, your would be In-Laws already know. They already know. They DO NOT want the diagnosis, and figured you drove out the driveway with her. You do ANYTHING Contrary to that and it is Not Going to Be Welcome. Would suggest you save yourself a war on two fronts. Let them be. And if you Do Not reach escape velocity, you are going to be dealing with those folks for a Very Long Lifetime ahead.
You have this, yet? It is the top of the pile on my desk.
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life: Margalis Fjelstad: 9781442220188: Amazon.com: Books
With Full Blown Emotional Dysregulation(s). Those are a fun little trip to Disneyland, huh?
btdt. I am pretty much in -- Signed The Title, Must Be Mine -- status.
But we have kids, and the Kids are #1.
Not that I do not love her. I do. And I think you are at least pretty fond of yours.
And Yes, your would be In-Laws already know. They already know. They DO NOT want the diagnosis, and figured you drove out the driveway with her. You do ANYTHING Contrary to that and it is Not Going to Be Welcome. Would suggest you save yourself a war on two fronts. Let them be. And if you Do Not reach escape velocity, you are going to be dealing with those folks for a Very Long Lifetime ahead.
You have this, yet? It is the top of the pile on my desk.
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life: Margalis Fjelstad: 9781442220188: Amazon.com: Books
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by blake1989 
So I've tried once. I tried to do it in person but now I wonder if by phone is ok. She has been treating me with more disregard after that conversation. I wanted to be a stand up guy and do it in person. As much as she's hurt me, I can't just not treat her with dignity, so the phone is hard to imagine. But honestly I'm scared of her actions. Last night I thought she was going to hit me and I drove home because she randomly started beating the dinner table - it was frightening. My therapist agrees the only time to have a breakup talk is when there's no drinking going on. But I'm starting to wonder if a phone conversation is the way to go. I just can't go on like this. Thank you for reading, if you got through it.
You seem like a really great and caring and compassionate guy, the next and sane woman will be lucky she found a guy like you!
Do no harm but take no s****. You owe it to yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
The bottom line, you are in a very unhealthy situation.
You know what I would be worried about? I would be worried that one of these times she is going to accuse YOU of domestic assault. Have no idea what is going on with her, but it is not YOUR obligation to figure it out.
She needs professional help, the best you can do, stay AWAY.
The type of behavior she is displaying is very alarming, it only takes one phone call to the police, and somebody will be going to jail, so there is a 50% chance it may be you, Is it worth it? RUN, RUN, RUN
Florence is 1000% correct, you do not owe her an explanation.
Your action of no contact will send a very clear message.
It appears to me you are trying to control an out of control situation, Please, JUST SAVE YOU!
You know what I would be worried about? I would be worried that one of these times she is going to accuse YOU of domestic assault. Have no idea what is going on with her, but it is not YOUR obligation to figure it out.
She needs professional help, the best you can do, stay AWAY.
The type of behavior she is displaying is very alarming, it only takes one phone call to the police, and somebody will be going to jail, so there is a 50% chance it may be you, Is it worth it? RUN, RUN, RUN
Florence is 1000% correct, you do not owe her an explanation.
Your action of no contact will send a very clear message.
It appears to me you are trying to control an out of control situation, Please, JUST SAVE YOU!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I agree with others. No physical contact, block her number, do not engage any of them.
I think just don't have any more contact at all, but if you must,
if you text the breakup message, you will have "evidence" in case she gets crazy and calls the cops or something drunk.
You are very wise to get out now and please, for your own sake, don't engage again.
I think just don't have any more contact at all, but if you must,
if you text the breakup message, you will have "evidence" in case she gets crazy and calls the cops or something drunk.
You are very wise to get out now and please, for your own sake, don't engage again.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 12
I really feel for you. I preempted a new relationship with a women I really cared for. She had a drinking problem, and though I never saw her become violent, I knew that her drinking would be an issue at some point.
Like you, I wanted to end things in a dignified matter. I went to her personally. It was very hard to see that same look in her eyes that you saw in your women’s eyes, but I needed to focus on my own needs at that moment, so I pushed through. You need to too.
It is never nice, or easy, but if you are nothing but caring in the way you conduct yourself, she will know this, and she will remember you as a stand up guy.
If you feel you need to do it via phone, or a kind letter, then do that. As others have suggested, this is an extraordinary situation that may require you to not be there in person. However you end this relationship, be honest, caring and respectful, and be a strong and resolved man in the way you ultimately go about it.
One more thing. I made the mistake of being around her months later. Within a few hours, we got close, with the resulting emotional turmoil. I quickly fixed the mistake, and now realize that no contact is the way forward. For you, this will be very important. It will be the quickest route to getting over the relationship, and hopefully it will represent another reason for her to ultimately seek the help she needs.
Best of luck!
Like you, I wanted to end things in a dignified matter. I went to her personally. It was very hard to see that same look in her eyes that you saw in your women’s eyes, but I needed to focus on my own needs at that moment, so I pushed through. You need to too.
It is never nice, or easy, but if you are nothing but caring in the way you conduct yourself, she will know this, and she will remember you as a stand up guy.
If you feel you need to do it via phone, or a kind letter, then do that. As others have suggested, this is an extraordinary situation that may require you to not be there in person. However you end this relationship, be honest, caring and respectful, and be a strong and resolved man in the way you ultimately go about it.
One more thing. I made the mistake of being around her months later. Within a few hours, we got close, with the resulting emotional turmoil. I quickly fixed the mistake, and now realize that no contact is the way forward. For you, this will be very important. It will be the quickest route to getting over the relationship, and hopefully it will represent another reason for her to ultimately seek the help she needs.
Best of luck!
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