Aegius1

Hi All,

I have come here in hopes of finding some answers and hoping you all can offer me advice.

I suspect my GF of being a closet alcoholic. I'm nearly 100% sure of it. She often eats red onions to perhaps mask any smell. She always seems to have these dental breath mints ready at hand. Although her parents have never said anything to me, she admits that whenever we visit them, her mother rummages through her belongings. At times she seems very distant and looking guilty yet claims it's 'nothing'. I often hear closets banging shut despite her having nothing but dresses and shoes in there (my thinking here is that she doesn't need to go into that closet so much at 5pm when we're not going out). Quite a few times she just seems to have this drunken behavior...dilated pupils, slurred speech, lazy eyes

I love her very much, but I don't know how to proceed with trying to get her to come clean. Any thoughts?

AdoubtR2

Here I am welcoming you, Aegius1, and I'm in reality a newbee, as well. I may have posted once or twice here in the last year. I don't return to this site often enough but, as my own relationship deteriorates, I realize more and more the NEED to come here for peace, direction, and motivation.

I had to reply to your post because I have lived with an AW since 2001 and <trust me when I say this> it only gets worse and worse.
You'll find oodles of advice, here- suggesting you separate yourself, IF if at all possible.

IMO, one should trust their instincts and, if they're not legally bound to the suspect, they should GET OUT NOW, immediately and permanently!

End-of-discussion...life's too short to be encumbered by the throws (deceit, drama, expenses, etc) of someone else's substance abuse.

My own procrastination to leave has been financially motivated. I just retired and my current income is insufficient to be self-sustaining. But, I'm here to "man up" and figure out a way OUT of my own hell and, at my age, I have additional obstacles to overcome.

You can easily rummage through her stuff when she isn't home but, it may be hidden elsewhere. Some are very adept at hiding there addictions until "Dr. Jekell turns into Mr. Hyde."

You should love YOURSELF, first and foremost! You can't help someone who isn't interested in helping themselves.

Good luck. Perhaps we can help each other make it through this "dark place". I see light off in the distance and I'm going there, too.

Aegius1

Thanks for your reply AdoubtR2 - You should also know that I have 3 children, of which 2 have a terminal disease and I am divorced. So your advice about letting her go might be what it takes because Lord knows I've got my plate full already!

Seren

Hello Aegius1, welcome to SR!

Have you tried talking to her about your concerns yet? The behavior you describe certainly suggests she is using something.....

You can talk to her about your concerns, but I would not expect her to admit anything or immediately go for help. The denial on both sides of this disease is pretty strong. So what if she IS drinking and WON'T admit it or seek help?

Aegius1

That's what I'm not sure of. I suppose she'll either have to admit it to me, I could tell her I suspect it/catch her in the act. But what I'm not sure of, is if she continues to deny it and won't open up. What else can I trust her with then?

hopeful4

Hello and welcome.

It does sound as though you have a full plate and I am so sorry to hear two of your children have a terminal illness. How awful for you.

I think if you start looking at her actions you will find out quite quickly. I am going to look at this from a different point of view. Your children do not need this type of behavior around them. Alcohol is progressive and it will get worse. Do you really want to expose yourself and your kids to that sort of behavior?

In the mean time I encourage you to seek help with meetings and/or counseling to help you work out whatever you discover. Time tells alot of things. Do not listen to what she says, look at her actions over a long period of time and that will tell you alot about what is going on.

Good Luck and God Bless! You will find great support here at SR!

lillamy

Sweet friend, you have enough pain in your life without having to invite the pain of an addict. I also have three children, one of them with a chronic illness. That's way different, and way less heartbreaking, than what you live with.

I know that handling children, especially sick children, when you're divorced is hard. Because you can never really let them go. Even when they are with the other parent they are always in your heart. You're always "on" and you're always responsible and you never really get to relax.

So having a partner, a lover, a significant other who can help you let go of the role of parenting a sick child for a few minutes or hours, reminding you that you are not just a parent but also your own person... that is so incredibly helpful, strengthening. Having someone who helps prop you up during your bad days and loves you when you can't take anymore.

An addict will not be able to provide you with the love and support you need.
An addict -- to put it bluntly -- is another person with a disease that will zap your strength. With the difference that with an addict girlfriend, you have no responsibility to care for them.

I think you know what you need to know already -- it sounds like from your post. It's OK. You don't have to prove anything or have a reason. You can choose the people you let into your life and if you're not 100% sure this girl is a person who contributes to your joy in life, that's really all you need to know to let her go.

BlueSkies1

First I would confirm.
Yeah it's wrong to snoop, but you need to know you are not touched in the head, right? Smiling here.
So do the snoop, once. Not a habit forming snoop, just a confirmation snoop.
Go dig in the closets and if there is alcohol in any of them, then you know she has a problem.
Normal people do not hide alcohol in their house. It is in a kitchen cabinet, not inside a pair of tall boots.

BlueSkies1

One more thought...those signs you point out could be other things.

1) Neurological problem

2) Pills. I had a neighbor that I found out had a problem with oxycoton. Very similar to your description.

3) Some other drug of choice.

TotallyOut

My AB is a closet alcoholic. He will hide alcohol in the rafters, in a crawl space, in Christmas stuff in the basement, inside ski boots, in his daughters dresser, anywhere you can imagine. I found all these when I cleaned the house because he went to detox and rehab.

TotallyOut

I really feel for you. I'm still there. I still look in these places when I surmise he has been drinking.

KissMyTiara

Agreed. You just suspect. It could be something else. Find out for sure. Ask her.

DoubleBarrel

Snooping around looking for booze is certainly co dependent behavior.

The dilated pupils, etc sound like pills. If she drank I think you'd smell it?

Given your situation, run.

AdoubtR2

Since I have returned to this site after a number of months, today I read the few threads that I started, before I disappeared. Someone who replied to one of my threads wrote,"I think you need to examine yourself (me), first. What are you doing snooping?"
Well, it wasn't a habit.
When a significant other is suspected of not being honest...no...being downright deceitful, is it the mindset of the majority, here, that I (or in this case, you, Aegius1) shouldn't confirm suspicions, one way or the other?
When I snooped, I confirmed...never did it again. didn't have to. My suspicions were confirmed.
Deceit is simply a part of the addictive person. That's a "given."

I know that you aren't here for sympathy but, whoa! I'm really sorry about your children's prognosis. Just lost a nephew who just turned sixteen...totally sucked. What a heartbreak!

I agree with the others that having the additional drama (that clings to an addict) around is not a good idea at all- for you or your children. Having said that, I can only begin to imagine the needs that you must have for someone that is supportive.
I don't have all of the answers but, this thing I do know- you, especially, don't need the one you say you love in your earlier post. You do need someone but, not he, IMHO.

Aegius1

Thanks for the advice all!

honeypig

Aegius1, I would agree with those who say to confirm what the issue is. Constant, repetitive snooping, bottle-counting, and that sort of behavior IS codependent, as someone else mentioned, but a one-time reality check is something else. My A is a very, very secretive drinker and I never once smelled alcohol on him, as his alcohol was blackberry brandy but he made sure to always have a bottle of some kind of sweet juice-type drink on hand and/or fruity gum in his mouth, so if I did smell anything, it was easily excused away. It took me years to realize what was going on, and even then, once things came to light, I believed he was in recovery when in reality he was STILL drinking b/c it was just so very difficult for me to tell--he titrated his drinking very carefully and it was only apparent every once in a great while. I believed what he told me b/c I simply had no way of proving that it was false, that my misgivings were in fact right on.

Once you have this piece of information, you have the first of the "Three A's" of Alanon--Awareness, Acceptance and then Action.

Please do take care of yourself--I think you'd benefit from the support of Alanon meetings and would strongly suggest you check into that, especially with all you have going on in your life in addition to the possible addiction/alcoholism problems.

Wishing you all the strength and courage you'll need to get thru this.

choublak

Red onions? That's a new one.