My world crashed two months ago today ...
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Originally Posted by kdjom 
We have two kids - almost 13 and 10. My kids are so used to me being the primary parent that they have not been struggling with daddy being gone. My older one says little, which is not unusual for her, but my younger one occasionally talks about missing him and can hardly wait for him to come home. As far as they know he is on a course. That is how we explained it when it was happening ... my therapist feels with some of the issues my youngest is displaying - school issues (before this happened), academic struggles, anxiety (storms, etc) - that it best not to burden them with the specifics right now.
He has been diagnosed with PTSD and has anxiety. I don't know if the depression is still part of the diagnosis or not - it is likely part of it all, but I don't know.
I don't know if they'd be better off with him being elsewhere while he gets his life together. I don't know where he'd go. We can't afford a second household and I can't imagine him living with his parents. His mother is feeling so sorry for him and I know she'd drive him absolutely batty to be living there. As much as it could be an option, even I know that would be a bad situation to put him into. I don't know where else he'd go. We do have a fourth bedroom in our house if sharing the bed is too much of an issue.
I believe that we will eventually sell the house we are living in. It feels like nothing good has ever come of this place since we moved here. It has been four years now. So once he is home and settle, moving is going to be a consideration by next year. I feel like we need a fresh start and to relieve some of our financial burdens.
I guess time will only tell how things are going to work out. Staying strong is becoming harder and I feel like I am crumbling a bit more day by day. Maybe I'm just having a pity party today - I don't know. I just want to wake up from this nightmare, but sadly it is my life.
He has been diagnosed with PTSD and has anxiety. I don't know if the depression is still part of the diagnosis or not - it is likely part of it all, but I don't know.
I don't know if they'd be better off with him being elsewhere while he gets his life together. I don't know where he'd go. We can't afford a second household and I can't imagine him living with his parents. His mother is feeling so sorry for him and I know she'd drive him absolutely batty to be living there. As much as it could be an option, even I know that would be a bad situation to put him into. I don't know where else he'd go. We do have a fourth bedroom in our house if sharing the bed is too much of an issue.
I believe that we will eventually sell the house we are living in. It feels like nothing good has ever come of this place since we moved here. It has been four years now. So once he is home and settle, moving is going to be a consideration by next year. I feel like we need a fresh start and to relieve some of our financial burdens.
I guess time will only tell how things are going to work out. Staying strong is becoming harder and I feel like I am crumbling a bit more day by day. Maybe I'm just having a pity party today - I don't know. I just want to wake up from this nightmare, but sadly it is my life.
Thanks for the information. I realize my suggestions were presumptuous not knowing any of the details.
You have so much going on, and so much to absorb, I'm sure it is overwhelming. Just wanted to send encouragement. Keep posting and reading here. I hope that will be helpful to you.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
There can be no relationship without honesty. Stop texting and all contact with the other man. Then, run to Alanon and get a sponsor, commit to going to as many meetings as possible (it doesn't matter if you like it or not). You are powerless over husband and whether he drinks again or not, but at least start dealing with your own problems. Good luck. Love isn't a feeling -- when we say "love" we frequently mean "need" -- but an action we take. Right now your actions are working against any possible relationship with your husband.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I want to mention this. My sister is a sgt for highway patrol and her husband is police also. If she or her husband would be caught having any sort of improper relationship with another employees spouse that would be misconduct and they would either be fired or they would have severe consequences. Especially him being a sgt and I assume your husband's superior. It could quite easily ruin his career.
Now, while those are his choices (shame on him, he does know better I am sure), do you want to be a person who is involved with this? Do you want your husband who has PTSD and an alcohol problem to be involved in that aspect of this thing? I would assume not.
I am not trying to offend you, simply throwing out there that law enforcement are held to a different standard, especially someone who has worked up to being a sgt. That could also be why he is pushing you away (wisely).
Again, I think he should be ashamed of himself for engaging in an improper relationship with you even via text or talking. However, that part cannot be changed. I just wanted to toss out another side of this coin.
Good Luck!
Now, while those are his choices (shame on him, he does know better I am sure), do you want to be a person who is involved with this? Do you want your husband who has PTSD and an alcohol problem to be involved in that aspect of this thing? I would assume not.
I am not trying to offend you, simply throwing out there that law enforcement are held to a different standard, especially someone who has worked up to being a sgt. That could also be why he is pushing you away (wisely).
Again, I think he should be ashamed of himself for engaging in an improper relationship with you even via text or talking. However, that part cannot be changed. I just wanted to toss out another side of this coin.
Good Luck!
I agree that he shouldn't have done what he did, but I also think I shouldn't have let it happen either. It started out innocently enough and then he started gradually saying more and more. I'd never engaged in that kind of talk before - even with my husband. He liked me long before I ever said I liked him ... that is what I find so confusing. He pursued me but as soon as it was possible to be together he backed right off. Whether he was scared off or realized that what he was doing was completely inappropriate I don't know that I'll ever really know. We've completely stopped any texting that is inappropriate in nature. We have texted, but it is more about our lives outside of what happened than anything else. So, so strange I know
I had my pity party today ... hoping tomorrow is a better day. I have three more weeks with hubby gone and I am feeling like that is a very long ways away. I am tired of being the only one here and everything being on my shoulders - even though it was like that before. I just feel so screwed up. I'm off work as I can't even think about working right now ... I see my therapist on Thursday and this isn't something I've ever brought up. So it will be time to come clean and discuss what happened. I've analyzed it until I've driven myself batty ... I need to stop that but it is my nature to try and find out a reason for everything that happens.
Thanks for pointing a few things out to me ... I think I need a wee bit of a kick in the pants to stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop thinking that Sgt will ever be anything more than a platonic friend. Another stupid side of me says his relationship won't last and you never know a few years down the road ... now isn't that dumb? I-yi-yi ... I am an educated professional woman, but feel like I am some silly teenager obsessed with a guy you just can't really ever have :o
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I commend you again for your honesty and for accepting your part in this. Give it time. When my AH went to rehab I was a hot mess for about the first week or so. Then I started getting back on a schedule and my worry was so much less, I gained some peace.
I hope you work on you during this time. Hugs!
I hope you work on you during this time. Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
KD - Take a deep breath, I am sure you could use one right now.
It is not unusual when we are vulnerable and have unmet emotional needs for people to make mistakes and have an affair and you had an emotional affair. It is also very easy to idealize someone when you don't have real life issues to deal with together. Hopefully this sgt just cared quite a bit and wasn't aware that an emotional affair was blooming but frankly I find it very easy to understand your development of inappropriate feelings for him but it is very hard to give him much of a pass here. His subordinate is struggling and he helps his comrade's family out - perfectly fine and admirable but you keep your hands off your friend's wife and whereas you have been going through intense emotional upheaval he has a fiance and it sounds like he is NOT going through intense turmoil.
If you step back and look at him in that context and pretend it was another man's wife he got too close to I think you would find him less appealing?
In any case, you would not want to leave your husband this way and you would not want to explain to your children how this happened. If you set Sgt aside and make an honest, sincere effort to recover your marriage and it doesn't work and you wind up divorced and THEN start to see someone else then you will be able to say you tried. I would really worry that the damage you might do to your own self-respect will be severe if you pursue Sgt. You are very understandably vulnerable and a ball of emotion right now and we don't think clearly when we are that way - we want to escape the chaos whether that means a bottle or an idealized view of a 'replacement' for a spouse who is a source of turmoil. Escapes turn out badly in either case usually. Might be a great time to see a counselor, I'm betting there is a good EAP through his work?
It is not unusual when we are vulnerable and have unmet emotional needs for people to make mistakes and have an affair and you had an emotional affair. It is also very easy to idealize someone when you don't have real life issues to deal with together. Hopefully this sgt just cared quite a bit and wasn't aware that an emotional affair was blooming but frankly I find it very easy to understand your development of inappropriate feelings for him but it is very hard to give him much of a pass here. His subordinate is struggling and he helps his comrade's family out - perfectly fine and admirable but you keep your hands off your friend's wife and whereas you have been going through intense emotional upheaval he has a fiance and it sounds like he is NOT going through intense turmoil.
If you step back and look at him in that context and pretend it was another man's wife he got too close to I think you would find him less appealing?
In any case, you would not want to leave your husband this way and you would not want to explain to your children how this happened. If you set Sgt aside and make an honest, sincere effort to recover your marriage and it doesn't work and you wind up divorced and THEN start to see someone else then you will be able to say you tried. I would really worry that the damage you might do to your own self-respect will be severe if you pursue Sgt. You are very understandably vulnerable and a ball of emotion right now and we don't think clearly when we are that way - we want to escape the chaos whether that means a bottle or an idealized view of a 'replacement' for a spouse who is a source of turmoil. Escapes turn out badly in either case usually. Might be a great time to see a counselor, I'm betting there is a good EAP through his work?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
KDJ. At this moment we (my AH and I) are rebuilding our life after an affair, which consisted of mostly e-mails on his part but some contact in person. I have to tell you the communications hurt me much more than the actual act.
I am going to urge you to read a book I am reading now (at the direction of our therapist) and I have said that people should read this BEFORE an affair. IT's called "AFter The Affair" HARD reading, but before you make any decisions...give it a hard read. I do understand how awful you must feel. My AH felt like crap and that is one of the reasons he had an affair. I have been aware of it for just short of two weeks now.. He decided to choose me and choose us, however this book may help you decide which way to go before you do anything rash. Even if you think it's over.
I am going to urge you to read a book I am reading now (at the direction of our therapist) and I have said that people should read this BEFORE an affair. IT's called "AFter The Affair" HARD reading, but before you make any decisions...give it a hard read. I do understand how awful you must feel. My AH felt like crap and that is one of the reasons he had an affair. I have been aware of it for just short of two weeks now.. He decided to choose me and choose us, however this book may help you decide which way to go before you do anything rash. Even if you think it's over.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
There can be no relationship without honesty. Stop texting and all contact with the other man. Then, run to Alanon and get a sponsor, commit to going to as many meetings as possible (it doesn't matter if you like it or not). You are powerless over husband and whether he drinks again or not, but at least start dealing with your own problems. Good luck. Love isn't a feeling -- when we say "love" we frequently mean "need" -- but an action we take. Right now your actions are working against any possible relationship with your husband.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I commend you again for your honesty and for accepting your part in this. Give it time. When my AH went to rehab I was a hot mess for about the first week or so. Then I started getting back on a schedule and my worry was so much less, I gained some peace.
I hope you work on you during this time. Hugs!
I hope you work on you during this time. Hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by PohsFriend
It is not unusual when we are vulnerable and have unmet emotional needs for people to make mistakes and have an affair and you had an emotional affair. It is also very easy to idealize someone when you don't have real life issues to deal with together. Hopefully this sgt just cared quite a bit and wasn't aware that an emotional affair was blooming but frankly I find it very easy to understand your development of inappropriate feelings for him but it is very hard to give him much of a pass here. His subordinate is struggling and he helps his comrade's family out - perfectly fine and admirable but you keep your hands off your friend's wife and whereas you have been going through intense emotional upheaval he has a fiance and it sounds like he is NOT going through intense turmoil.
If you step back and look at him in that context and pretend it was another man's wife he got too close to I think you would find him less appealing?
In any case, you would not want to leave your husband this way and you would not want to explain to your children how this happened. If you set Sgt aside and make an honest, sincere effort to recover your marriage and it doesn't work and you wind up divorced and THEN start to see someone else then you will be able to say you tried. I would really worry that the damage you might do to your own self-respect will be severe if you pursue Sgt. You are very understandably vulnerable and a ball of emotion right now and we don't think clearly when we are that way - we want to escape the chaos whether that means a bottle or an idealized view of a 'replacement' for a spouse who is a source of turmoil. Escapes turn out badly in either case usually. Might be a great time to see a counselor, I'm betting there is a good EAP through his work?
If you step back and look at him in that context and pretend it was another man's wife he got too close to I think you would find him less appealing?
In any case, you would not want to leave your husband this way and you would not want to explain to your children how this happened. If you set Sgt aside and make an honest, sincere effort to recover your marriage and it doesn't work and you wind up divorced and THEN start to see someone else then you will be able to say you tried. I would really worry that the damage you might do to your own self-respect will be severe if you pursue Sgt. You are very understandably vulnerable and a ball of emotion right now and we don't think clearly when we are that way - we want to escape the chaos whether that means a bottle or an idealized view of a 'replacement' for a spouse who is a source of turmoil. Escapes turn out badly in either case usually. Might be a great time to see a counselor, I'm betting there is a good EAP through his work?
I am going to make an honest, sincere effort to recover my marriage. If it doesn't work then at least we tried. I know I don't need another relationship right now, whether I was with hubby or not. It just felt like comfort and was something I felt I needed at that time. It wasn't reality but it sure felt good at the time. I was devastated when he pulled back, but he was very honest with me about what he was feeling and such. It hurt - still hurts a bit - but it was for the best for me and for my family. If it had progressed it wouldn't have been a good thing.
And I am seeing a therapist through EAP ... I see her again on Thursday. I hadn't brought up this issue with the Sgt. I need to talk with her about it now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by Booo
KDJ. At this moment we (my AH and I) are rebuilding our life after an affair, which consisted of mostly e-mails on his part but some contact in person. I have to tell you the communications hurt me much more than the actual act.
I am going to urge you to read a book I am reading now (at the direction of our therapist) and I have said that people should read this BEFORE an affair. IT's called "AFter The Affair" HARD reading, but before you make any decisions...give it a hard read. I do understand how awful you must feel. My AH felt like crap and that is one of the reasons he had an affair. I have been aware of it for just short of two weeks now.. He decided to choose me and choose us, however this book may help you decide which way to go before you do anything rash. Even if you think it's over.
I am going to urge you to read a book I am reading now (at the direction of our therapist) and I have said that people should read this BEFORE an affair. IT's called "AFter The Affair" HARD reading, but before you make any decisions...give it a hard read. I do understand how awful you must feel. My AH felt like crap and that is one of the reasons he had an affair. I have been aware of it for just short of two weeks now.. He decided to choose me and choose us, however this book may help you decide which way to go before you do anything rash. Even if you think it's over.
I really believed that their relationship wasn't as healthy as he now purports it to be (and deep in my heart I still don't think it is as good as he says). I don't believe you reach out like that and say all of the things that were said - it was highly intimate and affectionate - if things are so great. I think of his gf and like I told him, I can't imagine she'd see this as only flirting - it was an emotional affair or cheating per say. It was something we couldn't share with anyone else, so obviously it wasn't right. In some ways I'd like for her to know, but that would also blow my end wide open too. I believe as women, we would be hurt by the texting and the words - I think we read way more into words than men do.
I will look into that book. I don't see myself ever heading that way again though ... my eyes have been opened since doing this
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
The problem is you have not spent this six weeks on you. You spent it just moving to another unhealthy relationship and going back and forth with that. Now the end is near of him getting out so that is an entire different anxiety. I don't say this in meanness, just saying that you won't find peace until you put the focus on what you need out of life that you can fulfill for yourself, not from a man.
Gentle hugs.
Gentle hugs.
Originally Posted by kdjom
My husband has been gone to rehab for almost six weeks now ... I don't know if I am getting more emotional as the end is nearing or if it was the ending of the texting with his sgt. I am just so confused. I know time helps so I'm trying to be patient
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
We have had things pretty twisted along the way, too.
When I was talking (way too much) with Mrs. Hammer's mother, one of the Alananny's pointed out to me . . . "If you were talking to your sponsor, you would not be talking to [Mrs. Hammer's] Mother." True dat. Real truth was at that point I did not even have a sponsor.
So how about you? If you had an Alanon sponsor and were talking with HER . . . would you likely be or have been talking so much to the Sgt?
But I understand it is VERY hard being in a relationship with someone with a Mental Illness.
And to look across the fence and see Men (or Women) who do not have those problems . . . and imagine How Much Better, If, If, If . . .
There are about 4 women in my local Alanon. Well, there are a whole lot more -- but 4 with the "contact" eye thing going on. They have figured out that even though I am a little crazy in Alanon, I am a fairly nice guy, and worship what is best for the kids, first. And am pretty much everything they wish(ed) their Husband would be. I understand -- I see "Good Wife" (sort of my fantasy daydreams) when I am out sometimes, too.
And there is this vibe connection sort of thing, when they see me doing the "other side" of exactly what they are going through, it makes a "longing" both ways.
You understand I do not really want to f them, I just want someone that I can Love and can Love me back?
Even had one who was going to be my Steps Sponsor -- for about 6 days. OMIGOD. Her sponsor stepped in and put the Kabosh on that. Thank you, God. Wound up in a Dead Serious Men's Step Program this week, instead. Better than anything I could have thought to ask for. Again, Thank you, God.
And for ALL of *us* what I guess we need to understand -- Mentally Ill folks cannot really fully Love or be Loved.
As far as PTSD and recovery . . . . your guy can make it back. Really. (been there, done that, I truly know of what I speak in that regard) The Alcohol makes it a much bigger mess. He will have to clean that up. BUT, the path out of Alcohol can be the same path out of the PTSD.
We can do more details on that if you want -- but for now, YOU work on YOU.
Get serious with Alanon. Get a Real (Woman) sponsor. And quit talking with D-head Sgt.
When I was talking (way too much) with Mrs. Hammer's mother, one of the Alananny's pointed out to me . . . "If you were talking to your sponsor, you would not be talking to [Mrs. Hammer's] Mother." True dat. Real truth was at that point I did not even have a sponsor.
So how about you? If you had an Alanon sponsor and were talking with HER . . . would you likely be or have been talking so much to the Sgt?
But I understand it is VERY hard being in a relationship with someone with a Mental Illness.
And to look across the fence and see Men (or Women) who do not have those problems . . . and imagine How Much Better, If, If, If . . .
There are about 4 women in my local Alanon. Well, there are a whole lot more -- but 4 with the "contact" eye thing going on. They have figured out that even though I am a little crazy in Alanon, I am a fairly nice guy, and worship what is best for the kids, first. And am pretty much everything they wish(ed) their Husband would be. I understand -- I see "Good Wife" (sort of my fantasy daydreams) when I am out sometimes, too.
And there is this vibe connection sort of thing, when they see me doing the "other side" of exactly what they are going through, it makes a "longing" both ways.
You understand I do not really want to f them, I just want someone that I can Love and can Love me back?
Even had one who was going to be my Steps Sponsor -- for about 6 days. OMIGOD. Her sponsor stepped in and put the Kabosh on that. Thank you, God. Wound up in a Dead Serious Men's Step Program this week, instead. Better than anything I could have thought to ask for. Again, Thank you, God.
And for ALL of *us* what I guess we need to understand -- Mentally Ill folks cannot really fully Love or be Loved.
As far as PTSD and recovery . . . . your guy can make it back. Really. (been there, done that, I truly know of what I speak in that regard) The Alcohol makes it a much bigger mess. He will have to clean that up. BUT, the path out of Alcohol can be the same path out of the PTSD.
We can do more details on that if you want -- but for now, YOU work on YOU.
Get serious with Alanon. Get a Real (Woman) sponsor. And quit talking with D-head Sgt.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by hopeful4
The problem is you have not spent this six weeks on you. You spent it just moving to another unhealthy relationship and going back and forth with that. Now the end is near of him getting out so that is an entire different anxiety. I don't say this in meanness, just saying that you won't find peace until you put the focus on what you need out of life that you can fulfill for yourself, not from a man.
Gentle hugs.
Gentle hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
If your husband is far enough along to be working on a discharge plan, then he can take care of any work related issues with his Sgt. Step back, and stop talking to this Sgt. Let your husband take care of whatever needs to be taken care of. That's part of the journey for him at this point. Learn to take care of himself in recovery. Don't step in and take care of things for him. Instead, focus on YOUR recovery.
FWIW, I have never heard of a guy who's pursuing another woman (emotionally or physically) admit that there is really nothing wrong with their current relationship. "My girlfriend/wife is a good person, and we're doing fine. I just have an itch for some variety. So how about it?" That conversation NEVER happens. So don't believe everything this Sgt says about his current situation, there's a good chance his partner has NO idea there's trouble in paradise.
Stop contact with the Sgt, let your husband handle his own issues. Find an AlAnon group and start your own healing. I wish you the best.
FWIW, I have never heard of a guy who's pursuing another woman (emotionally or physically) admit that there is really nothing wrong with their current relationship. "My girlfriend/wife is a good person, and we're doing fine. I just have an itch for some variety. So how about it?" That conversation NEVER happens. So don't believe everything this Sgt says about his current situation, there's a good chance his partner has NO idea there's trouble in paradise.
Stop contact with the Sgt, let your husband handle his own issues. Find an AlAnon group and start your own healing. I wish you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by Hammer
So how about you? If you had an Alanon sponsor and were talking with HER . . . would you likely be or have been talking so much to the Sgt?
But I understand it is VERY hard being in a relationship with someone with a Mental Illness.
And to look across the fence and see Men (or Women) who do not have those problems . . . and imagine How Much Better, If, If, If . . .
And for ALL of *us* what I guess we need to understand -- Mentally Ill folks cannot really fully Love or be Loved.
As far as PTSD and recovery . . . . your guy can make it back. Really. (been there, done that, I truly know of what I speak in that regard) The Alcohol makes it a much bigger mess. He will have to clean that up. BUT, the path out of Alcohol can be the same path out of the PTSD.
We can do more details on that if you want -- but for now, YOU work on YOU.
Get serious with Alanon. Get a Real (Woman) sponsor. And quit talking with D-head Sgt.
But I understand it is VERY hard being in a relationship with someone with a Mental Illness.
And to look across the fence and see Men (or Women) who do not have those problems . . . and imagine How Much Better, If, If, If . . .
And for ALL of *us* what I guess we need to understand -- Mentally Ill folks cannot really fully Love or be Loved.
As far as PTSD and recovery . . . . your guy can make it back. Really. (been there, done that, I truly know of what I speak in that regard) The Alcohol makes it a much bigger mess. He will have to clean that up. BUT, the path out of Alcohol can be the same path out of the PTSD.
We can do more details on that if you want -- but for now, YOU work on YOU.
Get serious with Alanon. Get a Real (Woman) sponsor. And quit talking with D-head Sgt.
I didn't know that Alanon had sponsors ... I don't know that I wouldn't have been talking to the Sgt if I had one. I had a therapist and didn't share (granted that the texting hadn't progressed as far as it ended up progressing to at that appointment, but I didn't tell her at my appointment last week right before he put the brakes on either). In my head I had justified it all. So I don't know if I would have ... at that point I had myself convinced I was just walking away from my husband so didn't need to worry about anything else. I was being stupid.His sgt is a good guy (ya ya, I know). Of course there is an appeal there - he was all the things my hubby wasn't - strong, understanding, not f'ed up, straight shooter, good listener, etc, etc .... and I did imagine how much better it could be, whether delusional or not it just felt so very right.
I am glad my husband has a diagnosis of PTSD. It explains a lot in the past few years. You are right that they aren't capable of fully loving or being loved and I struggle with this. Will he ever if he is fully healthy? I haven't seen a fully healthy husband in so long I don't know that I would recognize him if it happened and would I still be in love with that person? I have changed a lot since we married. In the past there has been alcohol and one suicide attempt I knew of (two others came out that I had no idea about and both involved his gun). Is it awful to say that at times throughout this I had thought it would have been easier if one of those attempts had been successful? Grieving for a loss seems like it would have been easier than to have to buck up and walk through all of this other crap I've been walking through. And that makes me feel absolutely terrible for even thinking that.
You have walked the PTSD path? He says he has learned so much about the PTSD since he went to rehab. He is in therapy sessions with other uniformed personnel and he says their stories could be his stories. They are going to set him up with officers from our city who have been through PT and they will be support for him upon his return. He will likely go to some sort of office/desk job upon his return to work - no more shift work or out on the road for now. After 25 years maybe it is time to take a job that eases that stress for him. A day job will also help him to manage his diabetes better - something he also neglected the past few years.
I am working on me. I took up running this past fall. Timing couldn't have been more perfect. I have lost 30 lbs since starting - most came off after this all came to a head. I want to continue running as it is a huge stress release for me. I go to my therapist again on Thursday. I am going to look at the Alanon schedule as we do have two or three meeting times in our city. As for sgt ... haven't texted since Sunday night
Working on it ...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by Recovering2
FWIW, I have never heard of a guy who's pursuing another woman (emotionally or physically) admit that there is really nothing wrong with their current relationship. "My girlfriend/wife is a good person, and we're doing fine. I just have an itch for some variety. So how about it?" That conversation NEVER happens. So don't believe everything this Sgt says about his current situation, there's a good chance his partner has NO idea there's trouble in paradise.
Sgt has had many past relationships ... three marriages, two kids, and various other gf's. I dont' know all of his past, but I know some just from previous things I'd heard. So silly of me to think I would be the different one ... but I so wanted to believe it to be true. This is why I don't feel his current rel'shp is as wonderful as he now says it is, but whether it is or not I can't worry about that. I have to focus on my own stuff now, not his
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by kdjom
Sgt has had many past relationships ... three marriages, two kids, and various other gf's. I dont' know all of his past, but I know some just from previous things I'd heard.
Good for you.
--------------------
As far as the PTSD stuff. Sure. Mine was mostly from childhood stuff, added with some Army time. But even recent Army Medical Studies have found most of the military PTSD is highly correlated to childhood abuse problems.
The same mental/emotional states that help in surviving the childhood stuff get triggered by some later issues and the whole world collapses. (btw, those studies were VERY Unpopular and died a Political Death -- but a lot of folks in the industry are well aware of this).
Can give you a LOT more info if you want. Maybe we should do a PTSD thread in the Mental Health section? This is like 12th Step Work to me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
no one who cheats has a wonderful relationship. there might be wonderful or desirable aspects, but even if the deficits are just with the cheater, the relationship isn't so great.
the man lies, why do you think he would tell you the truth?
i learned the lesson about liars, the hard way.
the man lies, why do you think he would tell you the truth?
i learned the lesson about liars, the hard way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by MissFixit
no one who cheats has a wonderful relationship. there might be wonderful or desirable aspects, but even if the deficits are just with the cheater, the relationship isn't so great.
the man lies, why do you think he would tell you the truth?
i learned the lesson about liars, the hard way.
the man lies, why do you think he would tell you the truth?
i learned the lesson about liars, the hard way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by Hammer
Can give you a LOT more info if you want. Maybe we should do a PTSD thread in the Mental Health section? This is like 12th Step Work to me.
And yes ... avoided a five car pile up - just barely. Sometimes the heart leads us places our heads know we shouldn't be going. <3
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
