My world crashed two months ago today ...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
Posts: 108
Im gona apologize in advance because your story cuts me. I wasn't going to reply, then decided I would attempt to in all honesty and try not to be a total b***h.
I'm sorry but what YOU are doing is wrong. You are not a victim of circumstances, you are a cheater. Sugar coat that with whatever you like but that is the truth.
You were all good with leaving your husband when there was another relationship to distract you, then the min that falls apart you want to save your marriage? Your husband was ready and willing to accept the end of your relationship, you were ready, until the man you were having an affair with decided he wanted out. You want to be honest and tell him about it, I think you'd be best doing that while he's in the hands of people who can help him. Tell him you refuse to cut all ties with the man you cheated on him with and see if he has a desire to be with you? To allow him to spend the next few weeks planning his discharge to come back to the home he shares with you under false pretenses is beyond screwed up. He's already under enough pressure to want to end his life, I don't recommend handing him a grenade. Maybe it's something you can talk to his therapist in private about. He may recommend you come in the office to do it with him/her, or recommend you never tell? Either way the guilt can consume you, I do recommend you at least be honest with your therapist.
I could go on in detail about how ****** up this Sgt. is but it's a two way street-
I'm glad your husband is getting help and I hope things continue to get better for him. With or without you.
Good luck
I'm sorry but what YOU are doing is wrong. You are not a victim of circumstances, you are a cheater. Sugar coat that with whatever you like but that is the truth.
You were all good with leaving your husband when there was another relationship to distract you, then the min that falls apart you want to save your marriage? Your husband was ready and willing to accept the end of your relationship, you were ready, until the man you were having an affair with decided he wanted out. You want to be honest and tell him about it, I think you'd be best doing that while he's in the hands of people who can help him. Tell him you refuse to cut all ties with the man you cheated on him with and see if he has a desire to be with you? To allow him to spend the next few weeks planning his discharge to come back to the home he shares with you under false pretenses is beyond screwed up. He's already under enough pressure to want to end his life, I don't recommend handing him a grenade. Maybe it's something you can talk to his therapist in private about. He may recommend you come in the office to do it with him/her, or recommend you never tell? Either way the guilt can consume you, I do recommend you at least be honest with your therapist.
I could go on in detail about how ****** up this Sgt. is but it's a two way street-
I'm glad your husband is getting help and I hope things continue to get better for him. With or without you.
Good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by patientlywaitin 
Im gona apologize in advance because your story cuts me. I wasn't going to reply, then decided I would attempt to in all honesty and try not to be a total b***h.
I'm sorry but what YOU are doing is wrong. You are not a victim of circumstances, you are a cheater. Sugar coat that with whatever you like but that is the truth.
You were all good with leaving your husband when there was another relationship to distract you, then the min that falls apart you want to save your marriage? Your husband was ready and willing to accept the end of your relationship, you were ready, until the man you were having an affair with decided he wanted out. You want to be honest and tell him about it, I think you'd be best doing that while he's in the hands of people who can help him. Tell him you refuse to cut all ties with the man you cheated on him with and see if he has a desire to be with you? To allow him to spend the next few weeks planning his discharge to come back to the home he shares with you under false pretenses is beyond screwed up. He's already under enough pressure to want to end his life, I don't recommend handing him a grenade. Maybe it's something you can talk to his therapist in private about. He may recommend you come in the office to do it with him/her, or recommend you never tell? Either way the guilt can consume you, I do recommend you at least be honest with your therapist.
I could go on in detail about how ****** up this Sgt. is but it's a two way street-
I'm glad your husband is getting help and I hope things continue to get better for him. With or without you.
Good luck
I'm sorry but what YOU are doing is wrong. You are not a victim of circumstances, you are a cheater. Sugar coat that with whatever you like but that is the truth.
You were all good with leaving your husband when there was another relationship to distract you, then the min that falls apart you want to save your marriage? Your husband was ready and willing to accept the end of your relationship, you were ready, until the man you were having an affair with decided he wanted out. You want to be honest and tell him about it, I think you'd be best doing that while he's in the hands of people who can help him. Tell him you refuse to cut all ties with the man you cheated on him with and see if he has a desire to be with you? To allow him to spend the next few weeks planning his discharge to come back to the home he shares with you under false pretenses is beyond screwed up. He's already under enough pressure to want to end his life, I don't recommend handing him a grenade. Maybe it's something you can talk to his therapist in private about. He may recommend you come in the office to do it with him/her, or recommend you never tell? Either way the guilt can consume you, I do recommend you at least be honest with your therapist.
I could go on in detail about how ****** up this Sgt. is but it's a two way street-
I'm glad your husband is getting help and I hope things continue to get better for him. With or without you.
Good luck
I will definitely be honest with my therapist as I need some direction on what to do here. I am so very confused and I feel guilty as hell. I don't know if I tell my husband if that is relieving my guilt to create more pain for him that he just doesn't need. I just don't know.
I do respect your opinion. Sometimes we need to be told in no uncertain terms someone else's perspective. If it was me, before all of this happened, I would have felt exactly like you. How in the hell I find myself in this situation baffles me.
Thanks again ... I hope things work out for all of us. Only time will tell
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Ohhhh boy. I feel you hold part of this too. Sgt sounds like the guys at my husband's job which include Capt's, LT's, Sgt's and CO's. They all be double dippin someone's wife/gf while the OT is getting tended too. We call that *sh!tting where you eat*.
Your husband, although no angel, is in a very fragile state at the moment trying to figure his life out for him and his family and you are about to drive the dude over the edge and you're not seizing contact with Sgt?!!! , you're also probably telling the sgt all the dirty details that quite frankly, are none of his damn business and you are setting your husband up for a pitfall of embarrassment if this ever gets out!
You are not special when it comes to 2-stroke Sgt. They are a dime a dozen. You are another notch in his belt. His at home gf is just for looks. He's not happy, not with her, but with himself. You think he can make your life good? He's got issues you don't want any parts off. #1... he can't be honest or failthful! #2 He's got many failed relationships due most definately to an organ under his belt. #3 He knows you're in a horrible position that he can exploit at your husband's expense.
You and Sgt have caused enough damage to NOT GET RID OF THIS PANTY WASTE ASAP! He is not helping you or being a shoulder to cry on. Shoulders don't entail seducing the panties/boxers off the other person. It's just wrong!
Your husband, although no angel, is in a very fragile state at the moment trying to figure his life out for him and his family and you are about to drive the dude over the edge and you're not seizing contact with Sgt?!!! , you're also probably telling the sgt all the dirty details that quite frankly, are none of his damn business and you are setting your husband up for a pitfall of embarrassment if this ever gets out!
You are not special when it comes to 2-stroke Sgt. They are a dime a dozen. You are another notch in his belt. His at home gf is just for looks. He's not happy, not with her, but with himself. You think he can make your life good? He's got issues you don't want any parts off. #1... he can't be honest or failthful! #2 He's got many failed relationships due most definately to an organ under his belt. #3 He knows you're in a horrible position that he can exploit at your husband's expense.
You and Sgt have caused enough damage to NOT GET RID OF THIS PANTY WASTE ASAP! He is not helping you or being a shoulder to cry on. Shoulders don't entail seducing the panties/boxers off the other person. It's just wrong!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Well I have read everything here and taken everyone's opinions and thoughts and really had a hard look at the situation. I also met with my therapist on Thursday. She was awesome. Helped me immensely to talk to her about this whole situation. Her take on the situation is that this (an emotional affair is what she called it) happened for a reason. Whether it was for me to see what I have been missing for many, many years in my life - and what I do need - or for something else that we may not know yet. She actually commended the sgt for stepping back himself and realizing that by continuing with what was happening would possibly lead to a physical affair or would lead to much more damage to everyone involved. She felt that his original intention was honourable - he was trying to comfort me and help me through this and that it did take a turn towards something that wasn't appropriate for either of us.
At this moment I don't know that my marriage is fixable. The whole situation has blown so many things into the open that I am finding it very hard to believe him that he has changed - despite doing well in his treatment and rehab. I truly want to believe him, but I am so scared to. He is going to return home. I am setting up our fourth bedroom for him and this will be an opportunity to give it a try.
My therapist's suggestion was for me and sgt to discuss the fact that my husband and I are going to give this a try for a couple of months and see what happens and to not have contact during that time. Sgt isn't going anywhere and if my marriage isn't going to work, then we could have contact once again if the feelings were still there, as she has a feeling maybe his relationship isn't as good as it should be either or else he never would have crossed those boundaries with me. I haven't talked about this yet with sgt as we haven't had a lot of communication the last few days, which is good. The important thing being that we not have contact once we have that discussion. I do have to admit that will be hard and she did say I will grieve for a bit, but in the long run it will be for the best.
If my marriage does work out, then this will be something I will likely feel the need to discuss with my husband in marriage counselling. Until we know that, this isn't the time for him to be burdened with my transgression.
Thanks for everyone's thoughts - even the tough ones. Sometimes we need a little wake up call to see it from a different perspective. I feel like my life has gone up and down for the past two months and I'm exhausted. Its like a nightmare I can't wake up from. Oh ... and the other thing I am going to do is go to an Alanon meeting - hopefully tomorrow night, but if not at the beginning of the week. I need some insight into my enabling hubby throughout our marriage ... there has been a lot more drinking than I ever, ever realized. So I need to learn how to not be an enabler and to set boundaries for myself and expectations of what I want in my marriage. The physical side of our marriage has been pretty dead in the water since we went through fertility treatments years back ... that is a long time to go without any intimacy or affection. I need that in my life ... so a lot has to change, but first hubby has to focus on getting himself better.
thanks again
At this moment I don't know that my marriage is fixable. The whole situation has blown so many things into the open that I am finding it very hard to believe him that he has changed - despite doing well in his treatment and rehab. I truly want to believe him, but I am so scared to. He is going to return home. I am setting up our fourth bedroom for him and this will be an opportunity to give it a try.
My therapist's suggestion was for me and sgt to discuss the fact that my husband and I are going to give this a try for a couple of months and see what happens and to not have contact during that time. Sgt isn't going anywhere and if my marriage isn't going to work, then we could have contact once again if the feelings were still there, as she has a feeling maybe his relationship isn't as good as it should be either or else he never would have crossed those boundaries with me. I haven't talked about this yet with sgt as we haven't had a lot of communication the last few days, which is good. The important thing being that we not have contact once we have that discussion. I do have to admit that will be hard and she did say I will grieve for a bit, but in the long run it will be for the best.
If my marriage does work out, then this will be something I will likely feel the need to discuss with my husband in marriage counselling. Until we know that, this isn't the time for him to be burdened with my transgression.
Thanks for everyone's thoughts - even the tough ones. Sometimes we need a little wake up call to see it from a different perspective. I feel like my life has gone up and down for the past two months and I'm exhausted. Its like a nightmare I can't wake up from. Oh ... and the other thing I am going to do is go to an Alanon meeting - hopefully tomorrow night, but if not at the beginning of the week. I need some insight into my enabling hubby throughout our marriage ... there has been a lot more drinking than I ever, ever realized. So I need to learn how to not be an enabler and to set boundaries for myself and expectations of what I want in my marriage. The physical side of our marriage has been pretty dead in the water since we went through fertility treatments years back ... that is a long time to go without any intimacy or affection. I need that in my life ... so a lot has to change, but first hubby has to focus on getting himself better.
thanks again
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 317
Ay, yi, yi
I do completely understand how you fell into an emotional affair. I have had one myself.
I also had one that did turn into a relationship after my divorce and then a marriage. I will tell you something: it is not Happily Ever After.
Because this is the first man to show an interest in you as a woman, as opposed to wifey, mommy, roommate, housekeeper, in a while, everything that has been dormant for so long in you - passion, desire, longing for love - just ignites a long lost feeling - that joy of being desired/pursued/appreciated - and that's hard to say goodbye to when you haven't had it in so long. It's disappointing and you feel like an idiot but you try to console yourself and tell yourself why you're not such an idiot and maybe it was real and maybe he is a good guy.
Have a good cry. Delete all his texts. I mean all. Change your cell phone number. Give your hubby whatever reason you need to for the change - say you were getting unwanted calls.
Whatever direction your life my take with your hubby, this sergeant is NOT good news, and I am frankly appalled that your therapist would suggest that "maybe" there could be a relationship in the future if such and such happened. Sgt crossed the line. And he knows it. You were vulnerable and needed someone to lean on. He shouldn't be that person.
I support your decision to go to Alanon and to get marriage counseling. I wish the very best for you and your hubby. You've both been through a lot. You have two children. You never know, with time and love and work, things could be better than they were. Good luck!
I do completely understand how you fell into an emotional affair. I have had one myself.
I also had one that did turn into a relationship after my divorce and then a marriage. I will tell you something: it is not Happily Ever After.
Because this is the first man to show an interest in you as a woman, as opposed to wifey, mommy, roommate, housekeeper, in a while, everything that has been dormant for so long in you - passion, desire, longing for love - just ignites a long lost feeling - that joy of being desired/pursued/appreciated - and that's hard to say goodbye to when you haven't had it in so long. It's disappointing and you feel like an idiot but you try to console yourself and tell yourself why you're not such an idiot and maybe it was real and maybe he is a good guy.
Have a good cry. Delete all his texts. I mean all. Change your cell phone number. Give your hubby whatever reason you need to for the change - say you were getting unwanted calls.
Whatever direction your life my take with your hubby, this sergeant is NOT good news, and I am frankly appalled that your therapist would suggest that "maybe" there could be a relationship in the future if such and such happened. Sgt crossed the line. And he knows it. You were vulnerable and needed someone to lean on. He shouldn't be that person.
I support your decision to go to Alanon and to get marriage counseling. I wish the very best for you and your hubby. You've both been through a lot. You have two children. You never know, with time and love and work, things could be better than they were. Good luck!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
I'm sorry you're going through this 
I only wanted to comment on one thing: Al-anon. My AH & I are getting divorced. My initial thought was that separation would be best but separation was not an option for him (his boundary), and staying in the same house was not an option for me, so divorce it is. Anyway, I am still in al-anon despite the divorce. Al-anon isn't to support the alcoholic, or learn how to live with the alcoholic, or even about the alcoholic (though it can help you with all of that.) Al-anon is about me. Making me the best, healthiest me that I can be no matter whether I'm with the alcoholic, someone else, or alone.
I only wanted to comment on one thing: Al-anon. My AH & I are getting divorced. My initial thought was that separation would be best but separation was not an option for him (his boundary), and staying in the same house was not an option for me, so divorce it is. Anyway, I am still in al-anon despite the divorce. Al-anon isn't to support the alcoholic, or learn how to live with the alcoholic, or even about the alcoholic (though it can help you with all of that.) Al-anon is about me. Making me the best, healthiest me that I can be no matter whether I'm with the alcoholic, someone else, or alone.
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