kdjom

Hi This is my first post (and it is long! sorry). I have been reading here for just over a month but finally decided to register today. I am having a very emotional morning. It seems like some days I feel like I am doing better but then there are days all I do is cry and feel very, very sad.

Two months ago my AH called in sick to work (he's a police officer) and he left the house before I came home from work myself. There were a few work issues that had gradually been building and I knew they were creating some stress, but man I had no idea what really had been going on. Anyways I got a call from AH's sgt around 10pm saying he'd received some really disturbing texts and he was worried that he was going to do something to himself. Long story short, AH had taken all of his meds with him (meds for depression) and had bought a case of beer and he drove about two hours away with the intent of ending his life. He sat and drank most of the beer saving some for when he'd swallow his pills. His sgt tracked his phone and eventually they were able to get a general location and another detachment intercepted his vehicle as he was looking for an isolated place to go and end it. The reason he went so far away is because he didn't want his guys on his own shift to find him.

He was charged with a DUI - which at first I was upset with as I felt it was mental health - but now I see that as a huge reality check for him and it really made him hit rock bottom.

My AH had been drinking again for a few months before this all came to a head. I had no clue. Not one and for that I feel terrible. I feel stupid that I didn't see it. I did feel like he was sliding down the depressive road again (we'd had an issue about two years prior with him having an attempted suicide after a fellow officer committed suicide at work). So I knew he was struggling, but I never ever thought alcohol was involved or that he was as bad off as he really was.

Anyways ... he entered an outpatient program at our local hospital and attended that for about three weeks and also went to AA meetings on a very regular basis. At that point he was accepted into rehab and has been gone since the first week in December. Since going to rehab he was diagnosed as having PTSD and that has been the main focus in his intensive treatment, along with the alcoholism. He has just over three weeks to go in treatment.

Initially when he went I was relieved. I did start seeing a therapist myself and have been for a couple of appointments so far. AH's sgt has been a huge support for me too ... although that crossed some boundaries last month via texts (I will explain that more in a moment). So for all of December I had convinced myself that I was done and that I just felt that the marriage wasn't something I wanted to save. We have been living like roommates for a really, really long time. I wasn't happy before this happened and I think this kind of really blew this into the open for me. We have two children and I have been the main parent for a long time. I have done everything at home, done everything for the children and taken care of almost every single thing going on in our lives. It was exhausting, but I did it rather than start a fight or be told I was a nag, etc.

Anyways ... back to the sgt .... we were texting regularly talking about AH and everything. AH had been sending texts galore to him and to other shift members and they were very combative and very erratic. He was talking crazy and some felt he was about to do something to himself. His sgt talked with him frequently and AH would say he was just having a bad moment and things were going to be ok. It came to a head when his sgt finally had enough and they were going to have a meeting with the inspector. This was what set AH off that day. So his sgt and I were texting and eventually our texts became very personal and quite intimate. It was like a side of me awoke that hadn't been awake for a long time. We never did meet or have any physical contact. This texting went on for about a month ... until finally after me wanting to meet with him and his avoiding having this happen I asked him why the change. He was very honest with me and just felt that I was very confused and that he didn't think what we were doing was good for either of us. He is not married, but he is in a relationship living with his gf. The whole thing was devastating to me ... I cried for two days straight. After crying I started to see that what he did was for the best. The last thing I need right now is to have a relationship, whether we were both available or not, which obviously neither of us are. I feel so stupid for doing what I did and I feel guilty. I was ready to throw my AH and my marriage away over texts The sgt and I still text, but it is not in anyway like it was before. We talked through this and I continue to want to be in touch with him. Deep in my heart I think if he said he'd changed his mind and really did want me still that I would cave to that. He won't be doing that though - but sometimes I just wish he would (silly eh?). I can't tell AH about this as it would devastate him ... but on the other hand I feel so guilty and feel like he should know. I hadn't told my therapist about this ... so when I see her on Thursday this will be something I need to discuss.

Last week AH called as he needs to create his discharge plans and he felt that I had shown him that I was no longer in love with him and that it may be best for us to separate. This hit me like a ton of bricks (this conversation happened before his sgt ended our texting relationship). Of course I turned to sgt for comfort and I think this is finally what helped him to figure out things were not going well for either of us by continuing as we were. So anyways it made me realize that I do still love my AH. I don't know that the spark is there anymore, but I want to work on that part and at least try. He finally called me at the end of the week and we talked for real for the first time since this all happened. He sounds so good and I so want to believe that things will work out, but I am SO scared. I swore the last time I'd be gone if it ever happened again. How do I know it won't happen again? How will I ever learn to let my guard down and not suspect that he is back drinking? We are going to go to marriage counselling once he is back home and after he has put other supports into place.

So that is my huge novel ... I'm sure it is somewhat scattered or that I've left some things out. I just feel like I need to talk with someone as I feel so very alone. I haven't seen hubby since he went to rehab and I miss having him here - even though he really wasn't here in any other way than just being a physical being in the house. I need a hug and I need a shoulder to cry on.

Kayla50

I'm so sorry. That is a lot to deal with. I feel alone right now too. It's really hard. How are you doing right now?

Hammer

Lotta Drama.

Where to start?

Hubby in AA? You in Alanon?

That is a good place to start.

kdjom

AH is going to AA while down at rehab. He gets his two month sobriety pin tonight.

I have not gone to Alanon ... was going to and then felt I was going to just walk so didn't. I am just not sure right now if I will go or not.

Right now ... I am having one of those days. Just laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself. I usually would have been on the treadmill by now for a run ... I have lost 30 lbs since all of this started. I'm tired. I need a break.

Kayla50

Our stories are different but we are having the same day. I've been laying in bed and will go back there soon. Crying. Have lost too much weight and can't bring myself to eat. May not have a job tomorrow.

Hammer

Well that answered that.

Yeah, you are a mess, too. Sorry, do not mean that as any kind of put down. Just sort of restating what you are saying yourself so you can know it is true.

Anyway -- Alanon helps *us* clean up the messes of *us.* Whether we Stay, or Go, or just Dunno. You get you cleaned up and life can and will make a LOT more sense.

kdjom

Yes - I feel like I'm a mess. I thought after two months I'd be back up and feeling better and back to work. I'm not. I just can't get myself out of this rut.

There are so many things I should be doing here at home but can't bring myself to do much other than be on the computer

I am going to have to rethink the Alanon thing. Maybe I should give it a try.

Florence

So maybe this is true:

Or maybe this is a guy that didn't respect his personal or professional boundaries, who took advantage of you in a difficult time and then dumped you when he realized what following this fantasy through to a logical end would mean and the personal and professional wreckage it would cause.

On one level good for him for dropping this before causing too much wreckage in your life? On another level, shame on him. It was his job to protect your AH and to keep you in the loop. His transgression was a violation of YOUR trust.

We try not to give advice here, but if I were to give you some food for thought *cough*, I'd tell you it's okay to be mad at him for twisting you up in knots during a life-and-death crisis. Be mad. Be real mad. Then draw a line in the sand and stop texting him for anything other than PROFESSIONAL reasons. And don't kid yourself -- your husband should be able to handle this stuff now. Not you.

I agree this is something you should talk about with your therapist. Please also consider Al-Anon if there are meetings in your area. Learn, read and share here. There is a lot of widsom.

Hammer

A rut is a good place, sometimes. Laying there, in the ditch -- if facing upwards -- sort of lets you know what direction to go.

The Alananny Angels (what I call the older, wiser, women at Alanon) tell me:

"Everything is Right Where It Should Be, Right Now."

So far, I have found them to be flawlessly correct.

They say to give at least 6 meetings a try. My experience is that if you do that you may find yourself sort of "hooked" on getting better. And that is not a bad thing.

Makes you (ok, us, me, etc.) better no matter what the A does or does not do.

Danae

Hi,

That all sounds incredibly hard.

A few things to think about:

1) You have children--how is this affecting them? Will they be better off if their father (who seems to have mental health issues in addition to alcoholism) gets his life together (or doesn't) elsewhere?

2) What about if he lives somewhere else for the next year, and works his program/AA/whatever, and at the end of that time you can re-evaluate?

Since you didn't cause his problems, and can't cure them--his working his recovery (if he does) elsewhere may make it easier for you to concentrate on yourself and your kids. This isn't selfish, just sensible.

One of the things about Al-Anon seems to be that it supports you and helps you find your way through this confusion. People find it helpful whether they decide to stay or leave. You might too.

As for the texting with the sgt this sounds like something to stay far away from. Maybe look for support someplace else? Again Al-anon might be good for this.

kdjom

Oh boy ... this hit a nerve with me. I just had a very good hard sobbing cry . As much as I have thought this I also don't want to be the "damsel in distress". Yes I was vulnerable, but I also pursued this equally. I am married and this goes against all I have ever believed in - until this point. I wanted to feel loved and desired - badly. This side of my relationship with my husband has been dead for far too long. Can that come back? I don't know. I am only 40 .... I can't live without this side of my life anymore. I let being a mom define me completely and put all other on the backburner - it isn't just hubby who let that part slide.

I still want contact with sgt. Early on we had talked about how you can love someone but not be in love with them. I had asked him if he was still madly in love with his gf (they've been living together a year) and he said "things have changed" and I asked what had changed and he said "everything". I took that to mean that it was similar for them ... I should know better as sgt has a reputation in his younger days, but I thought maybe it was different. I feel like a silly schoolgirl who let herself get carried away with something that I shouldn't have even got involved in.

As for sharing this with my husband I am not sure what good that would do. Is it just to relieve my guilty feelings? He is friends with his sgt. That is who hubby turns to every so often. It is all just a mess

hopeful4

Hello and welcome to SR. This is a good place to find support.

I am sorry you and your husband have had to go through this. I think it is great that they recognize his PTSD and are treating that as well as his drinking as drinking is a way to self medicate. I think that if a person would treat the true issues with an alcoholic maybe there would not be so many alcoholics. So he has a dual diagnosis facility and that is great.

I am wondering this, and I am not trying to offend you. It seems as though you are bouncing back and forth between these men. Once the "other man" so to speak thought it was not a good idea to be together it seems as though that made it click you wanted to be with your AH. Is it truly that or do you just feel as though you need a man? Are you afraid to be alone?? You don't have to answer these questions, I think it is more something to look at for yourself.

You will never know he won't drink again. He may, he may not. Who really ever knows? In honesty, he does not know either, I am sure. The main thing is he gets treatment he so needs and so are you. that is great. That's about all you can do.

I hope you keep posting and find the support you need here. It's a great place.

kdjom

We have two kids - almost 13 and 10. My kids are so used to me being the primary parent that they have not been struggling with daddy being gone. My older one says little, which is not unusual for her, but my younger one occasionally talks about missing him and can hardly wait for him to come home. As far as they know he is on a course. That is how we explained it when it was happening ... my therapist feels with some of the issues my youngest is displaying - school issues (before this happened), academic struggles, anxiety (storms, etc) - that it best not to burden them with the specifics right now.

He has been diagnosed with PTSD and has anxiety. I don't know if the depression is still part of the diagnosis or not - it is likely part of it all, but I don't know.

I don't know if they'd be better off with him being elsewhere while he gets his life together. I don't know where he'd go. We can't afford a second household and I can't imagine him living with his parents. His mother is feeling so sorry for him and I know she'd drive him absolutely batty to be living there. As much as it could be an option, even I know that would be a bad situation to put him into. I don't know where else he'd go. We do have a fourth bedroom in our house if sharing the bed is too much of an issue.

I believe that we will eventually sell the house we are living in. It feels like nothing good has ever come of this place since we moved here. It has been four years now. So once he is home and settle, moving is going to be a consideration by next year. I feel like we need a fresh start and to relieve some of our financial burdens.

I guess time will only tell how things are going to work out. Staying strong is becoming harder and I feel like I am crumbling a bit more day by day. Maybe I'm just having a pity party today - I don't know. I just want to wake up from this nightmare, but sadly it is my life.

SparkleKitty

I went through very similar circumstances in the aftermath of my divorce from my first husband (not an A). Everything about it was tempting, felt good, felt safe, and I was completely at a loss on how to resist it. My best friend physically restrained me from answering the phone one night while I was living with her. I will be grateful to her for the rest of my life for that.

It was only by breaking all contact with my escapist crush that I was able to focus on my own issues and begin to heal. I wish I could give you a step by step playbook of how I did it but ten years after the fact all I remember is that it hurt terribly and took every ounce of willpower I had combined with the support of my therapist and good friends, and that I cried at lot. I mean, a lot. And every single day it hurt a little less. And a little less. Unless I broke my own No Contact rule -- then the pain resurged and became harder to deal with. I was Addicted to this man and the feelings that came with him -- being loved, wanted. It was only through distance and separation that I recognized that those feelings had only really existed for a short while. Once I gave in to him and became enmeshed, he backed away. I kept going back, hoping for the same high I'd gotten the first time. It never came. He only wanted me when he thought he couldn't have me.

My only recourse was to go cold turkey and start trying to figure out why I needed so much more from other people than they are ever capable of giving. After five years of therapy, three years completely on my own, and a brief relationship with an alcoholic later...I finally understood that there WAS someone capable of giving me all I needed. There was in fact only one person. Me.

I am eternally grateful for the happy turn my life has taken, but I never forget what it took to get here, nor that I earned it by consciously rejecting that which I knew was not good for me, no matter how good it felt.

Sending you strength, patience with yourself, and peace.

kdjom

I never, ever in my life thought I'd be the kind of woman that needed a man. Hubby and I have been together for almost 20 years, married almost 17. I don't have a lot of experience in life with a lot of relationships and I've never felt like I'd ever be one who needed a man. Maybe right now I do. Right now I feel like I need some comfort ... male comfort? I don't know. I don't think I'm afraid to be alone as I have been alone in some sense for a long time. I do know that I want to feel desired and wanted ... and that sounds like it is all about the sex part, but it isn't just that that I feel I need.

I don't know if it clicked because he backed off. I do know that I was completely numb about my husband for a long time. I felt nothing - no anger, no sadness, nothing ... I was empty. So I tend to think I just switched my emotions about him to 'off' and didn't want to even think about them. This fantasy of being with Sgt ended and maybe it opened my eyes up. I really don't know. I do love my RAH (guess I should have an R in there since he is two months into recovery?) ... I don't feel like that spark is there, but maybe a new man will return and things will be different? I feel like I owe our marriage and our family the chance to try at least.

FireSprite

((((HUGS)))) I can feel your anxiety in your posts. I think this statement that you made above speaks volumes & is a GREAT place to start rebuilding. You have to be coming from a whole, healthy place as much as possible for yourself & kids before the wants & needs of *any* man, AH or other, so that you can build successful relationships. Without this step - you find yourself ping-ponging back & forth because you can't really define yourself or what makes you happy.

Think of it like having a solid foundation before building your house. The storm has already come along & torn the house down to the foundation. If you take this time to repair as much as you can & then choose how/what you want to rebuild you are more likely to find happiness at the end of this journey, IMO.

Welcome to SR - I hope you stick around, as you can see - there is a lot of wonderful support here!

hopeful4

I can definitely understand that and appreciate your honesty. You know what, this is no marathon. There is no one but us to own up to. No rush. It is baby steps. If you feel that you owe your marriage another chance than that is what you should do.

My marriage has went through hell and back. Although I am 99.9% sure we will separate, it has went on for a long time, for the same reason. I wanted to make sure and give it every single chance and I do not regret doing so. This way I KNOW. I will live the rest of my own life knowing I did every single thing I could have done to salvage my marriage.

Thank you for sharing your story.






I don't know if it clicked because he backed off. I do know that I was completely numb about my husband for a long time. I felt nothing - no anger, no sadness, nothing ... I was empty. So I tend to think I just switched my emotions about him to 'off' and didn't want to even think about them. This fantasy of being with Sgt ended and maybe it opened my eyes up. I really don't know. I do love my RAH (guess I should have an R in there since he is two months into recovery?) ... I don't feel like that spark is there, but maybe a new man will return and things will be different? I feel like I owe our marriage and our family the chance to try at least.[/QUOTE]

AnvilheadII

the thing with the sgt HAS to stop....assuming your H is going to return to his duties as a police officer and have to work with this man AND that you are both in other PRIMARY relationships, it.has.to.stop.

undoubtedly as the spouse of a drinker our needs/wants get overlooked or drowned out. that is understandable. and we can let that reawakening be a signal TO US to get up and get back to living LIFE, or we can set a course for disaster. i know what it's like to feel like you are: somebody's wife, somebody's mom, somebody's employee....and you've somehow become a shuttle bus driver and laundry magician. we can all easily become human DOINGS rather than human BEINGS.

now is YOUR time to reclaim you. please do give alanon a try. do consider a therapist or counselor so you can talk out YOUR stuff. we all need some help sometimes.

BrokenDrum

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I think the best thing you can do right now is to allow yourself to cry, cry, cry. Your body needs a release from all the stress you've been through. From my experience, daily cries turned into every other day cries, turned into weekly cries. I still have moments when I get sad and get teary eyed, but you can't just get over it. It's okay to allow yourself to hurt and release the pain from what you've been through.

Don't beat yourself up about the texting either. However, I do believe you should limit (maybe stop) your texts with the sargent. You don't need the reminder of what you are missing in your life right now. I was in the same situation with my ex. We were like roommates, and when things hit the fan, I found myself flirting with men (and I don't consider myself a flirt.) I just wanted to feel like I could be attractive again. I developed a crush on an engaged man and just ended up feeling worse. I hope you have some good girlfriends and family who can help you get through this.

Once the emotions start to subside, then start asking yourself the questions you need to ask about your marriage and your future.

hopeful4

I want to mention this. My sister is a sgt for highway patrol and her husband is police also. If she or her husband would be caught having any sort of improper relationship with another employees spouse that would be misconduct and they would either be fired or they would have severe consequences. Especially him being a sgt and I assume your husband's superior. It could quite easily ruin his career.

Now, while those are his choices (shame on him, he does know better I am sure), do you want to be a person who is involved with this? Do you want your husband who has PTSD and an alcohol problem to be involved in that aspect of this thing? I would assume not.

I am not trying to offend you, simply throwing out there that law enforcement are held to a different standard, especially someone who has worked up to being a sgt. That could also be why he is pushing you away (wisely).

Again, I think he should be ashamed of himself for engaging in an improper relationship with you even via text or talking. However, that part cannot be changed. I just wanted to toss out another side of this coin.

Good Luck!