Curious
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 17
Curious
My daughter, almost 30 and her daughter who is 6, live with us. My daughter is an alcoholic. She just got her second DUI a few weeks ago while attempting to shop for her daughter for Christmas (sad I know). My daughter has a degree and works full time (she has always been a hard worker) but has no money to move out (bills, etc). I want to kick her out of my house but I have my granddaughter to think about. She has no father involved and my husband and I as well as my other daughter, are the stability. She is also very attached to her mother, as when she is not drinking she is a stellar parent.
My husband is not in the best of health and I work nights to support our household. Taking custody of our granddaughter is a possibility, but I would like to see our daughter self sufficient. I also don't really want to raise another child at my age. My husband who is the salt of the earth, I don't think he could take on the responsibility.
I do not give her money for anything by the way.
Questions:
1. Should I kick her out and take her daughter (she has nowhere to go). I need to know the difference between enabling and helping her to help herself!
2. I am currently not speaking to her until I can formulate without being so angry and sad -- should I?
3. I don't know if I should give her money for a lawyer as this will ruin her life. She was not actually driving at the time but was in the car, drunk. she had pulled over because she realized she shouldn't drive.
Thanks for any advice you can give me. I am attending online AlAnon meetings but am still new at this. She has reached out to AA but not sure about the follow through.
My husband is not in the best of health and I work nights to support our household. Taking custody of our granddaughter is a possibility, but I would like to see our daughter self sufficient. I also don't really want to raise another child at my age. My husband who is the salt of the earth, I don't think he could take on the responsibility.
I do not give her money for anything by the way.
Questions:
1. Should I kick her out and take her daughter (she has nowhere to go). I need to know the difference between enabling and helping her to help herself!
2. I am currently not speaking to her until I can formulate without being so angry and sad -- should I?
3. I don't know if I should give her money for a lawyer as this will ruin her life. She was not actually driving at the time but was in the car, drunk. she had pulled over because she realized she shouldn't drive.
Thanks for any advice you can give me. I am attending online AlAnon meetings but am still new at this. She has reached out to AA but not sure about the follow through.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Let's start with the easy question, first.
3. I don't know if I should give her money for a lawyer as this will ruin her life. If giving her money will ruin her life . . . I would not think you would want to give her money. 
Yeah, I follow you mean things the other way . . . but HOW IN THE WORLD do you think letting her face Her Own Consequences will "ruin her life?"
Might just save it.
The General Principles regarding this type stuff are:
Stop Saving *Them* From Their Own Consequences.
Pain is a Good Thing and Good Motivator for most A(s).
Let her feel her pain. Let her grow up, Momma.
Originally Posted by Allie0721 
3. I don't know if I should give her money for a lawyer as this will ruin her life.
Yeah, I follow you mean things the other way . . . but HOW IN THE WORLD do you think letting her face Her Own Consequences will "ruin her life?"
Might just save it.
The General Principles regarding this type stuff are:
Stop Saving *Them* From Their Own Consequences.
Pain is a Good Thing and Good Motivator for most A(s).
Let her feel her pain. Let her grow up, Momma.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Indiana, IL
Posts: 424
All the police have to prove was that she was in control of auto even if she wasn't driving. For example, if she had her keys in her pocket. The second dui is a serious legal incident. If she works so hard why can't she hire a lawyer? You stated you do not give her money but you can still enable her in other ways. I never directly gave my son money but sure spent thousands on legal fees, car impoundments, ankle bracelet monitors, snack fund for prison, ect......
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sounds like the best thing is to leave your daughter to face her own consequences. As for "taking her daughter", if you are serious about that, you might want to consult a lawyer and see what the legal procedure would be for obtaining custody of your granddaughter. If you kick your daughter out, she has a legal right to take her own child with her. Even if she has "nowhere to go", she will find a place, but she may very well take your granddaughter with her, and there will not be anything you can do.
As far as the whole silent treatment thing, you will not be able to sustain it, because people like us (codependents) ALWAYS have to put in our 2 cents, and your daughter, being an alcoholic, will find a way to goad you into talking to her. You do not have to discuss anything substantial, but it's not going to kill you to say good morning to her. You're in this dilemma because you love her. You can tell her that you love her, but not her choices.
You don't have to do anything right this minute. But if you're on tenterhooks waiting for the magic advice that will fix everything, here it is- look up a schedule of Alanon meetings in your area and attend some. There are a couple of women in my group who are in almost your exact situation, and Alanon is helping them to cope. Take care and best wishes for you and your family.
As far as the whole silent treatment thing, you will not be able to sustain it, because people like us (codependents) ALWAYS have to put in our 2 cents, and your daughter, being an alcoholic, will find a way to goad you into talking to her. You do not have to discuss anything substantial, but it's not going to kill you to say good morning to her. You're in this dilemma because you love her. You can tell her that you love her, but not her choices.
You don't have to do anything right this minute. But if you're on tenterhooks waiting for the magic advice that will fix everything, here it is- look up a schedule of Alanon meetings in your area and attend some. There are a couple of women in my group who are in almost your exact situation, and Alanon is helping them to cope. Take care and best wishes for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 144
By age 30 it's time to search deeper than drinking your pants off. Besides it wastes cash for a potential college fund for the child and a home of her own. I would speak to her even though it will be difficult, She must know you love her but may be lacking some respect towards it. I'm sorry to hear of your challenges Allie thank you for sharing and reaching out
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 262
I am grateful to read this post. I am an alcoholic that moved home after my second DUI. I am 35 and I have a college degree and work full time. I pay all of my own bills and have a car but I moved to my parents house after a really bad divorce. I don't have any children and I do everything I can to keep our house looking great and tidy, but there is that dark lingering cloud of my drinking, anxiety and depression. My mother understands (but is sad and wants me to get help) and my dad hates me. I am so sorry for you situation. I just don't know that kicking her out would be a good thing? It is sooooo hard having this disease. Everyday I think of how I should tackle this.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
Posts: 108
I'm not a very good enabler but my mom is to my brother who isn't a bad person, just makes bad decisions. She helps him out financially when he can't pay a bill because he spent all his money on legal fee's, needs gas, a new cell phone and pays for him to come crash 8hrs away when he's in trouble (what he claims is trying to do the right thing)
He moved with my AF after their divorce and she feels guilty for allowing him to stay with my AF who provided.. well not much of anything but destructive behaviors. I've spent years telling her to let my bro fall. Let him sit in jail, let him go without a phone. See he can find $ to buy booze, drugs and smokes so if he wanted to have the others he'd make them a priority. I did! She tells me it's not that easy, it's her son... A mothers love bla bla bla. I love my brother to, I quit trying to help him, his pockets are bottomless! This has gone on for yrs. my mother worries herself to death, is broke most weeks and has nothing but her love to show for it. I have children to, young and impressionable like your grandchild. I wouldn't want them to learn how to enable from me.
Paying her way will only allow her to continue to make bad decisions and know that you will be there to clean up her mess while teaching her daughter that this behavior is ok. There's a good movie I watched the other day about an alcoholic, her addict daughter and a brilliant little girl. When I remember the name I'll share it with you, it may hit closer to home.
He moved with my AF after their divorce and she feels guilty for allowing him to stay with my AF who provided.. well not much of anything but destructive behaviors. I've spent years telling her to let my bro fall. Let him sit in jail, let him go without a phone. See he can find $ to buy booze, drugs and smokes so if he wanted to have the others he'd make them a priority. I did! She tells me it's not that easy, it's her son... A mothers love bla bla bla. I love my brother to, I quit trying to help him, his pockets are bottomless! This has gone on for yrs. my mother worries herself to death, is broke most weeks and has nothing but her love to show for it. I have children to, young and impressionable like your grandchild. I wouldn't want them to learn how to enable from me.
Paying her way will only allow her to continue to make bad decisions and know that you will be there to clean up her mess while teaching her daughter that this behavior is ok. There's a good movie I watched the other day about an alcoholic, her addict daughter and a brilliant little girl. When I remember the name I'll share it with you, it may hit closer to home.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Welcome to SR Allie,
You are in a tough spot and I know you are hurting and upset with your daughter and worried about your grandchild.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic... I remember when I was 6 and there were no responsible caring adults to look out for me as you are considering. I wish there had been and commend you for the willingness to consider altering your entire life to protect that little girl.
Are you and your husband happy with your daughter and grandchild in your home if she were sober and in authentic recovery? If the goal is to get her independent and moved out eventually and you absolutely do not want to raise a small child if she fails to get it together then you have to consider alternatives... keeping the baby safe is paramount.
If your daughter is not ready to break up forever with alcohol all your actions and boundaries could be a waste of time...however... her situation now does create opportunities for modifying her behavior. Forced behavior modification does not in any way guarantee that actual authentic recovery will be initiated but it is a possibility.
I am in the criminal justice system and the second DUI conviction will be very costly in terms of dollars and consequences such as a lost driver license. There will be drug and alcohol testing but usually that is just screens which are not effective with alcohols short half life.
If it were my daughter and my granddaughter I would set very strict boundaries and requirements to live under my roof. House arrest...work, meetings, church period. I would get a soberlink device...required blows, picture taken, gps locate and set it for 4 times a day plus randoms. If she drinks...shes out and I would go for temporary custody.
90 in 90, get a sponsor and work the steps. Get a family counselor and make sure the child is taken care of in this arena. I wish someone had done this for me.
Chances are these efforts will not result in a fairy tale ending... the stats are just not good. But the baby is the wild card... and worth every effort. My heart breaks and I am tearing up just thinking about a life with an A mom and no active dad. Oh my.
I want to get in the car and come be her aunt! LOL! I am certified CONTROL FREAK in recovery. I am codie, codie, codie. I am this way because of my own dysfunctional alcoholic home of origin.
Don't let that baby grow up to be me. And don't listen to me except to hear my heart. Find a great alcoholic therapist and work out what will work for your family and for you and your husband long term.
It may be right to curb her and not do any of the things I suggested that I might have done in your shoes... only you and your husband can determine what is right for your family together after researching, seeking professional guidance and prayer.
You and your family are in my prayers...
You are in a tough spot and I know you are hurting and upset with your daughter and worried about your grandchild.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic... I remember when I was 6 and there were no responsible caring adults to look out for me as you are considering. I wish there had been and commend you for the willingness to consider altering your entire life to protect that little girl.
Are you and your husband happy with your daughter and grandchild in your home if she were sober and in authentic recovery? If the goal is to get her independent and moved out eventually and you absolutely do not want to raise a small child if she fails to get it together then you have to consider alternatives... keeping the baby safe is paramount.
If your daughter is not ready to break up forever with alcohol all your actions and boundaries could be a waste of time...however... her situation now does create opportunities for modifying her behavior. Forced behavior modification does not in any way guarantee that actual authentic recovery will be initiated but it is a possibility.
I am in the criminal justice system and the second DUI conviction will be very costly in terms of dollars and consequences such as a lost driver license. There will be drug and alcohol testing but usually that is just screens which are not effective with alcohols short half life.
If it were my daughter and my granddaughter I would set very strict boundaries and requirements to live under my roof. House arrest...work, meetings, church period. I would get a soberlink device...required blows, picture taken, gps locate and set it for 4 times a day plus randoms. If she drinks...shes out and I would go for temporary custody.
90 in 90, get a sponsor and work the steps. Get a family counselor and make sure the child is taken care of in this arena. I wish someone had done this for me.
Chances are these efforts will not result in a fairy tale ending... the stats are just not good. But the baby is the wild card... and worth every effort. My heart breaks and I am tearing up just thinking about a life with an A mom and no active dad. Oh my.
I want to get in the car and come be her aunt! LOL! I am certified CONTROL FREAK in recovery. I am codie, codie, codie. I am this way because of my own dysfunctional alcoholic home of origin.
Don't let that baby grow up to be me. And don't listen to me except to hear my heart. Find a great alcoholic therapist and work out what will work for your family and for you and your husband long term.
It may be right to curb her and not do any of the things I suggested that I might have done in your shoes... only you and your husband can determine what is right for your family together after researching, seeking professional guidance and prayer.
You and your family are in my prayers...
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 17
Thank you ALL for your responses. You have certainly given me a lot to think about. I struggle with what to do every minute -- and it changes every minute. By reaching out on this forum I am starting to take the "dirty little secret" out of the closet. Maybe by making it "real" I can begin to heal and do the right thing for myself and those around me who choose to do the right things.
I totally agree that 30 is time to dig deeper and not drink your pants off. I don't understand addiction like I need to and I need to educate myself. I don't drink much at all, maybe once or twice a year. I don't understand the compelling force of alcohol. That's what I am doing is finally trying to learn.
To answer some of the questions - yes, she works hard but daycare and student loans as well as car payments, insurance etc. are killing her. She still can afford to by rum by the boatload though. I understand that she was legally responsible for driving, I just know that lawyers can sometimes help. I want her sober -- by throwing her in jail it punishes innocent people like her daughter and my husband. Also throws off any chance that she will be independent as she will lose her job. If she were sober, I would still want her on her own, but it is not awful living with them when she is not drinking. I want her to get help and live the life she was meant to be.
Anyway -- I am rambling. I am raw and angry and sad and a million things wrapped into one package. Thank you all for listening.
I don't know what I am going to do but thank you all for listening and your advice.
I totally agree that 30 is time to dig deeper and not drink your pants off. I don't understand addiction like I need to and I need to educate myself. I don't drink much at all, maybe once or twice a year. I don't understand the compelling force of alcohol. That's what I am doing is finally trying to learn.
To answer some of the questions - yes, she works hard but daycare and student loans as well as car payments, insurance etc. are killing her. She still can afford to by rum by the boatload though. I understand that she was legally responsible for driving, I just know that lawyers can sometimes help. I want her sober -- by throwing her in jail it punishes innocent people like her daughter and my husband. Also throws off any chance that she will be independent as she will lose her job. If she were sober, I would still want her on her own, but it is not awful living with them when she is not drinking. I want her to get help and live the life she was meant to be.
Anyway -- I am rambling. I am raw and angry and sad and a million things wrapped into one package. Thank you all for listening.
I don't know what I am going to do but thank you all for listening and your advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 17
Soberworks device! Sounds like a good idea! Off to investigate.
I also am attending online AlAnon meetings to try to work the steps. I will be attending in person as soon as I can find a meeting (we are very rural) that I can attend. I'm trying...
By the way she lived with her father (now deceased) for quite a while after she turned 18. He was an alcoholic who was quite unapologetic. She is just like he was.
I also am attending online AlAnon meetings to try to work the steps. I will be attending in person as soon as I can find a meeting (we are very rural) that I can attend. I'm trying...
By the way she lived with her father (now deceased) for quite a while after she turned 18. He was an alcoholic who was quite unapologetic. She is just like he was.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Originally Posted by Allie0721
Soberworks device! Sounds like a good idea! Off to investigate.
I also am attending online AlAnon meetings to try to work the steps. I will be attending in person as soon as I can find a meeting (we are very rural) that I can attend. I'm trying...
By the way she lived with her father (now deceased) for quite a while after she turned 18. He was an alcoholic who was quite unapologetic. She is just like he was.
I also am attending online AlAnon meetings to try to work the steps. I will be attending in person as soon as I can find a meeting (we are very rural) that I can attend. I'm trying...
By the way she lived with her father (now deceased) for quite a while after she turned 18. He was an alcoholic who was quite unapologetic. She is just like he was.
I was just like my alcoholic mom too.
I send you prayers and good wishes in this tough time.
Please keep posting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 17
I tried so hard to break the cycle with my girls. One it worked with and one it didn't. I guess I wasn't very good at it, or the pull is very strong. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes, I will hang on to each and every one. I am pretty tough, this is trying to break me but I won't let it. I have tied a knot on the end of my rope and am hanging on.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Allie , you are doing great! Google handheld breathalyzer GPS and you will pull up providers.
Another fast start is alanon speaker talks online you can download and listen at home and in the car. Google xa speakers
Another fast start is alanon speaker talks online you can download and listen at home and in the car. Google xa speakers
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Originally Posted by Allie0721
I tried so hard to break the cycle with my girls. One it worked with and one it didn't. I guess I wasn't very good at it, or the pull is very strong. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes, I will hang on to each and every one. I am pretty tough, this is trying to break me but I won't let it. I have tied a knot on the end of my rope and am hanging on.
Did they pursue the DUI charges? Any way she finds her way to rehab is worthwhile. It's a rough journey, but it is a chronic progressive disease that requires serious treatment.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
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Yes, they did and she got a plea deal from the DA. She is in the repeat offender's program and has to go to OP rehab, attend meetings and when she gets her license back in 6 months (conditional) she has to have one of those breathalyzer things on her car.
She says she is committed and is doing this on her own but I am pretty sure she is still drinking. She is smart enough to keep it out of my house though because she knows I will test her.
I did not cause this, I cannot control it and I can't cure it. This is my motto these days. I thank you all for being here and understanding what it is really like.
She says she is committed and is doing this on her own but I am pretty sure she is still drinking. She is smart enough to keep it out of my house though because she knows I will test her.
I did not cause this, I cannot control it and I can't cure it. This is my motto these days. I thank you all for being here and understanding what it is really like.
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